OWoman Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 There seems to be a range here of situations regarding the secrecy or openness of the A or R, given the range of different situations. I'm interested to know, from OW/OM and MM/MW: How open or secret is / was your A / R? How many people, if any, besides yourself and your A / R partner, knew about the A / R? Were / are people generally supportive, or hostile? And I'm interested to know, from BS: When you found out about the A / R, were there others that knew before you found out? What was their attitude to the A / R? Did you tell other people, or keep it quiet? Were other people supportive to you, or did they prefer to keep out of it? No particular reason for asking, just that everyone seems to come from such different places and have such different kinds of support systems to draw on...
serial muse Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 There seems to be a range here of situations regarding the secrecy or openness of the A or R, given the range of different situations. I'm interested to know, from OW/OM and MM/MW: How open or secret is / was your A / R? How many people, if any, besides yourself and your A / R partner, knew about the A / R? Were / are people generally supportive, or hostile? And I'm interested to know, from BS: When you found out about the A / R, were there others that knew before you found out? What was their attitude to the A / R? Did you tell other people, or keep it quiet? Were other people supportive to you, or did they prefer to keep out of it? No particular reason for asking, just that everyone seems to come from such different places and have such different kinds of support systems to draw on... Former BS here. Everyone in my personal circle was blindsided, including mutual friends, and no one in his family knew. He lied to everyone. As it happens, I was close to his mom, and I confided in her a few weeks after D-Day, looking for answers I suppose about him, whether this was a pattern, whatever I could get. I didn't know what she knew; I hadn't talked to her until that point. She didn't know anything, and was shocked, because I guess he had told her something very different about what was going on between us. Anyway, everyone close to me was very supportive, of course, and also kind of dumbfounded, actually. No one had seen it coming. I didn't try to keep it a secret - I couldn't have if I'd tried, and I didn't really want to anyway. I was actually really, really angry that he lied to his family about what was going on between us (obviously, with him in the innocent victim role), so although I only told his mom, I was pretty satisfied to learn that she told the rest of his family (who he'd also lied to). So she basically outed him. They were pretty upset about it all. He complained to me later that his family was giving him a hard time, like I cared. But of course he blamed me for that, since I was the one who initially spilled the beans. All part of the compartmentalizing that he enjoyed so much. Whatev.
reboot Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 No one in my wife's family knew (that admitted to it anyway), and as far as I know, none of her friends knew either (I'm not sure any of them know now actually). She wasn't exactly proud of it.
nadiaj2727 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I was OW until 2 days ago. Almost no one knew about it and that's part of why I had to break it off, I couldn't stand the double life and the lies. My sister knows about it and lives in another state. She was supportive when I wanted to be in it (before I knew all the facts) and very disapproving when I wanted out. No one else knew about our relationship. Almost no one even knows they're getting divorced -- everyone even thinks they still live together and they don't. He told me that he told his sister he's getting divorced, and his friend that is letting him stay in his out-of-town inlaws' furnished condo. That's it.
RecordProducer Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 When you found out about the A / R, were there others that knew before you found out? What was their attitude to the A / R? On the Balkans (not Baltic), a south-eastern part of Europe, usually everybody except the wife knows. If somebody tells the wife, it's some one who loves to interfere. I always knew about people's affairs, but never had the nerve to tell the wife or girlfriend. Once I told a guy "YOu have a GF and you're cheating on her!" Everybody turned against me, including my then-BF, and told me it was none of my business. I was 16 at the time and this guy was BF's friend's friend. Later I knew about my brother-in-law, my collegues, my ex-husband's friends. The way I would find out was always through them or their friends so I felt it was not kosher to betray their confidence. But most of all, I really felt so sorry for the women, I just couldn't hurt them. I know of a case, where a woman called, introduced herself by name and said: "Your daughter-in-law is sleeping with XY." It was true, but the betrayed husband's comment was "Even if she IS cheating on me, I could never leave, because of the kids." Her side was: she wasn't getting sex from her husband and everybody knew the affair was based merely on sex. So what good did it do? Curiously, they are all good friends to this day! I worked with a guy who used to constantly brag about his sex tropheys. I was good with his fiancee, but I could never tell her. He eventually left her for a much younger, wealthy girl, whom he married later. The ex-fiancee asked me if he had ever cheated on her and I said I wouldn't know. I think she didn't want to know, because she said "Oh, he didn't discuss such things with you, OK." If she really pushed it, she would have found out. After all, she knew that he was with both of them at some point and knew that I knew something that I wasn't telling her (she told me herself). So I think the betrayed partner doesn't want to know. The attitude toward affairs... My ex called the male cheaters jerks and female cheaters sluts. Nobody wants them in their house, but nobody really judges them openly. It's part of the mentality.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 We are so not in secret...And that's all I'm going to say...
imstunned Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Owoman - you know my story - my affair was a secret even to me. I never knew he was married. BUT looking back its clear some of his mates knew about me - but I dont know any more than that.
Lizzie60 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 How open or secret is / was your A / R? It is quite secret... My 2 best friends know... but I'm sure my MM wouldn't mind meeting my daughter and my son and my friends... but there is no way I would introduce him to anyone... LOL How many people, if any, besides yourself and your A / R partner, knew about the A / R? 2 (best friends) Were / are people generally supportive, or hostile? Supportive... one is married and one is on the dating scene but not dating MMs... Friendship is the most important thing in our lives, after our children... for all three of us. We are planning to grow old together...LOL
RecordProducer Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 We are so not in secret...And that's all I'm going to say... I didn't know you were in a relationship with a MM. Or are you the married one?
Can'tGiveUp Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 There seems to be a range here of situations regarding the secrecy or openness of the A or R, given the range of different situations. I'm interested to know, from OW/OM and MM/MW: How open or secret is / was your A / R? How many people, if any, besides yourself and your A / R partner, knew about the A / R? Were / are people generally supportive, or hostile? We were secret...and we didn't do that well. We had been in an R when he was separated and trying to switch to being secretive was almost impossible. Those who say that these R's thrive in their secrecy, IMO are wrong. That was the worst part. There were a few people who knew, 2 who were very supportive, one who wasn't and we never discussed it again. There were a few who suspected. One said nothing other than he was glad I was happy. The other chose not to see it. The last was W, and obviously her response was not good. None of these three ever knew for sure.
lost4ever Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 we were a secret ( I told 2 of my friends) and the only thing they said was if my H found out he would kill both of us, they never met MM.... I met up with MM and one of his friends (he told friend I was a co-worker) well friend flirted with me big time (he was M) and after we all left his friend call MM (I was in the car) and asked if he would give him my number...of course MM said no, later on he ended up telling that friend...and that friend just said- I would be careful, you are in a world of hurt....I think it spooked my MM a little that he said that, and I think there was more to the convo, but he wouldn't tell me....
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I didn't know you were in a relationship with a MM. Or are you the married one? I am not the married one...
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 No more secrets... On his side - his mother knows, his father knows, his brother knows and his sister in law knows. His mum and dad have been really supportive, his mother was an other woman for 5 years before her MM (my MM father) got married. They're bliissfully married and she wants the same for her son as does his father although they both hate that their standpoint means trouble for them seeing their grandchildren. His brother has said nothing. His sister in law has caused a lot of trouble and sides with his W. My family - everyone knows. He's met them. I couldn't keep it secret from those I love and they know who I am, they know I'm in love and they've supported me through it good and bad. My Friends have been as friends should be - supportive, listening, offering empathy, looking out for me, just being there. Work colleagues all know - some are supportive, some are not. His friends - all know. Many because she told them. His best friends support him. Their couple friends side 50% either way. Her friends hate him, not surprisingly. His children know because she told them. They are really confused, loving him yet hating him at the same time. I feel a lot for their pain. All in all, it's definitely no secret, and MM has never asked it to be secret. We share our lives in public arenas.
RecordProducer Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I am not the married one...Oh, I am sorry. I am sorry for every woman who is dating a MM.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Oh, I am sorry. I am sorry for every woman who is dating a MM. It's ok...I didn't know he was married...And he's actually a good partner to me...I'm not the one I feel sorry for... I wish life was not as complicated as it is...
Mino Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 secret first year, a few friends knew second year ( and his wife ), family friends and ALL coworkers know third year.( including his wife)
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I wish life was not as complicated as it is... It's only as complicated as you make it!
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 It's only as complicated as you make it! Well, my part is not complicated...I see it pretty clearly...
milx Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Mine..... is a secret. From both partners. They don't know that I am seeing 2 people. MW and MM. I tell you, it is a secret. Srry not helping.
redplanet Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 My affair was a secret from my family and my adult children which I found difficult. My 2 closest friends knew and my therapist. One of my closest friends couldn't accept it and has nothing to do with me which is a great, great loss. One of the high prices I have paid, yet I do not regret the beautiful friendship that I still have with my xMM. The affair is over, but we are great friends.
frannie Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 How open or secret is / was your A / R? How many people, if any, besides yourself and your A / R partner, knew about the A / R? Were / are people generally supportive, or hostile? In his life: his female boss, and a close friend know. His close friend suggested he end it, because he was risking his future with his W. MM said he didn't want a future with his W. In fact that conversation was pivotal in MM's assessment of the A. Friend asked him, 'think about who you want to spend your retirement with... don't risk it'... and at that moment MM knew who he wanted to spend his life with. In my/our life: all my friends, all of our joint friends (friends we've made together as a couple), and my closest family members know. Almost everyone I've told has been supportive. The few (male) friends I told who weren't supportive, well I think I know the angle they were coming from...
overandout Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 In his life: his female boss, and a close friend know. His close friend suggested he end it, because he was risking his future with his W. MM said he didn't want a future with his W. In fact that conversation was pivotal in MM's assessment of the A. Friend asked him, 'think about who you want to spend your retirement with... don't risk it'... and at that moment MM knew who he wanted to spend his life with. In my/our life: all my friends, all of our joint friends (friends we've made together as a couple), and my closest family members know. Almost everyone I've told has been supportive. The few (male) friends I told who weren't supportive, well I think I know the angle they were coming from... Frannie, I am happy for you. When does he plan on spending his life with you--presumably that starts when he leaves? So has he now given you an indication of when he is leaving otherwise it is just words IMO. I think lots of posters have said that actions speak louder than words.
KATANYA Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 TOTALLY private on both sides....and will always stay that way as far as I'm concerned. I trust no one with that kind of information that can hurt soooo many people! Unlike some posters, I don't expect or have the inclination to be the next Mrs. MM and, unlike the problems in a M with the MM/W/OW love triangle...our relationship had two people involved in it and only two people who knew about it and that worked for us. I never needed anyone else to know in order to validate that it was a relationship and OMG I think my poor family would probably disown me for picking yet another loser (in their eyes! lol)
overandout Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 A close friend of mine knew but he told absolutely no one. I would have been too ashamed to tell my close family. They would have thrown their hands up in horror and said he's just using you as he is STILL married. AND they would have been right!
Recommended Posts