goodgirltoronto Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Is my situation unique? Hello -- here is my situation, and I'm writing because I'm not sure if anyone has been in a similar one who could offer some advice: I met a wonderful man while in University, we dated for 2 years, I broke up with him since my parents were divorcing at the time and I couldn't commit to a long term relationship. He was devastated. 5 years ago I contacted him by email, and about 4 months ago we started realizing that we wanted to get back together again, and have talked of marriage. He is married (5 years) to a severely depressed woman who doesn't want to try to get better (anti-depressants only, no therapy), and may or may not finish her PhD, after which she intends to do nothing to support herself. He wants her to finish the degree within 2 years at which point he feels he could leave (she wouldn't be able to blame him for not completing it etc.) This friend also lives 3 provinces away but has a lot of travel flexibility in his job and could spend a lot of the year in Toronto or in his home in Quebec (4.5 hours away). My marriage has been very disillusioning from the start and emotionally abusive. We've been married for 14 years. After being married for 10 years my husband (whom I've known since hight school) told me I "had been of no value to him". We've seen a therapist quite a few times but now I just feel very bitter and apathetic, and have stopped any intimate relationship with him since the summer. He seems fine with that and thinks I'm going through a "mid-life crisis." I don't think he really believes I will leave him. Financially I have no reason to stay either, but we have 3 young children. About 3 years ago I discovered that my husband was in an inappropriate email relationship with an old girlfriend and that if our marriage didn't work out they planned on getting back together. So both my friend and I are unhappily married, want to be together, and I'm not sure how realistic I am being. He told me that he never loved anyone since I broke up with him 22 years ago, and feels that we are destined to be together. I believe him, and I feel the same. How long, though, should I wait before he tells his wife? I don't want to spend the last (God-willing) 40 years of my life with my husband who has treated me very badly, and I want to marry my old friend as soon as possible. He feels the same but wants me to wait the 2 years for his wife to finish her PhD (which he is helping her with). Is this a reasonable request? We see each other about once a month and it is absolutely wonderful. Like coming home. Am I being realistic in believing that he will leave? What about if his wife has a huge mental breakdown? Thanks for any advice you can provide. This is kind of a unique situation.
TogetherForever Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Is my situation unique? Hello -- here is my situation, and I'm writing because I'm not sure if anyone has been in a similar one who could offer some advice: I met a wonderful man while in University, we dated for 2 years, I broke up with him since my parents were divorcing at the time and I couldn't commit to a long term relationship. He was devastated. 5 years ago I contacted him by email, and about 4 months ago we started realizing that we wanted to get back together again, and have talked of marriage. He is married (5 years) to a severely depressed woman who doesn't want to try to get better (anti-depressants only, no therapy), and may or may not finish her PhD, after which she intends to do nothing to support herself. He wants her to finish the degree within 2 years at which point he feels he could leave (she wouldn't be able to blame him for not completing it etc.) This friend also lives 3 provinces away but has a lot of travel flexibility in his job and could spend a lot of the year in Toronto or in his home in Quebec (4.5 hours away). My marriage has been very disillusioning from the start and emotionally abusive. We've been married for 14 years. After being married for 10 years my husband (whom I've known since hight school) told me I "had been of no value to him". We've seen a therapist quite a few times but now I just feel very bitter and apathetic, and have stopped any intimate relationship with him since the summer. He seems fine with that and thinks I'm going through a "mid-life crisis." I don't think he really believes I will leave him. Financially I have no reason to stay either, but we have 3 young children. About 3 years ago I discovered that my husband was in an inappropriate email relationship with an old girlfriend and that if our marriage didn't work out they planned on getting back together. So both my friend and I are unhappily married, want to be together, and I'm not sure how realistic I am being. He told me that he never loved anyone since I broke up with him 22 years ago, and feels that we are destined to be together. I believe him, and I feel the same. How long, though, should I wait before he tells his wife? I don't want to spend the last (God-willing) 40 years of my life with my husband who has treated me very badly, and I want to marry my old friend as soon as possible. He feels the same but wants me to wait the 2 years for his wife to finish her PhD (which he is helping her with). Is this a reasonable request? We see each other about once a month and it is absolutely wonderful. Like coming home. Am I being realistic in believing that he will leave? What about if his wife has a huge mental breakdown? Thanks for any advice you can provide. This is kind of a unique situation. Welcome GoodGirlToronto! Why not just divorce your husband & your friend can divorce his wife then you can be with him forever. TF
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Is my situation unique? No it's not. Go read more threads in this section and you'll see how similar your situation is to others. My marriage has been very disillusioning from the start and emotionally abusive. We've been married for 14 years. After being married for 10 years my husband (whom I've known since hight school) told me I "had been of no value to him". We've seen a therapist quite a few times but now I just feel very bitter and apathetic, and have stopped any intimate relationship with him since the summer. He seems fine with that and thinks I'm going through a "mid-life crisis." I don't think he really believes I will leave him. Financially I have no reason to stay either, but we have 3 young children. About 3 years ago I discovered that my husband was in an inappropriate email relationship with an old girlfriend and that if our marriage didn't work out they planned on getting back together. You need to leave your husband. Finalize a divorce and heal before pursuing anyone else, let alone a married man. Leave because your marriage sucks, not because you want to marry someone else. It's IMPOSSIBLE to jump out of a (14 year) marriage and think you can hop into another serious relationship so quickly. Plus, you have children to think about! Seems both you and your husband are miserable with eachother, so just divorce, so you can do what you both want. Why stay married to him, and him to you if you both are desiring other people? So both my friend and I are unhappily married, want to be together, and I'm not sure how realistic I am being. He told me that he never loved anyone since I broke up with him 22 years ago, and feels that we are destined to be together. I believe him, and I feel the same. How long, though, should I wait before he tells his wife? I don't want to spend the last (God-willing) 40 years of my life with my husband who has treated me very badly, and I want to marry my old friend as soon as possible. He feels the same but wants me to wait the 2 years for his wife to finish her PhD (which he is helping her with). Is this a reasonable request? We see each other about once a month and it is absolutely wonderful. Like coming home. Am I being realistic in believing that he will leave? What about if his wife has a huge mental breakdown? What the MM does with his marriage and his wife is not your problem, you have enough on your plate to get involved in his soon-to-be mess. Clean up your own situation, let him worry about his. Though, to be honest, I doubt very much he'll leave his wife...Especially since she's depressed and on medication. Do they have children? If so, there's another reason why he won't leave and upset them. Anyway, the bottomline is, you're miserable and if you don't have plans on fixing your marriage by going to counselling with your husband, end it and get divorced.
norajane Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I want to marry my old friend as soon as possible. He feels the same but wants me to wait the 2 years for his wife to finish her PhD (which he is helping her with). Is this a reasonable request? Do you think it's reasonable? Because it doesn't matter whether we think it's reasonable. To me, what sounds reasonable is that you decide whether to end your marriage regardless of what this guy does. If you want to end it, then do it. Get your divorce. Start your new life on your own with your kids. Stand on your own two feet, deal with the post-divorce emotional fall-out, and when you are healthy and whole again, you can decide what to do with your love life with a clear head. What sounds unreasonable is hinging your future on a man who is married and isn't filing for divorce any time soon. Because things could change at home for him: his wife could get her butt into therapy, they can adjust her meds, and she could be a brand-new person whom he remembers that he loves and doesn't want to divorce. Maybe the chances of that aren't big, but since he hasn't filed for divorce and won't for at least two years (provided that she even finishes her PhD, which is no guarantee!!), his chances of divorcing and marrying you are also not big.
milx Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 HI. You say your situation is unique? You'll be surprised. Mine is beyond unique. I wish you all the best and hope you will come up with a decision.
Princess112 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 No man can be fine with not having sex with their wife for so long. He is most likely cheating on you. And you are cheating on him too. Why are you two together? It is not fair for your children to remain in an abusive relationship, whether its emotional or physical. It's not good. Believe me, divorce is the best thing that can be done for both you and your children. As for your friend... I agree with whichwayisup and norajane. Please try to get yourself together before attempting to pursue another relationship. Do not rest your well-being in another person's hands. Only YOU can make that happen. Best of luck
OWoman Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 He wants her to finish the degree within 2 years at which point he feels he could leave At which point? After two years, or after she completes her PhD? Those are two very different things. If he's asking you to wait two years, you could consider that and decide if that works for you. If he's asking you to wait for her to finish her PhD, that's a different matter entirely. MM who ask OW to wait "until the children are older" are at least more reasonable - children do grow up and leave home sometime. PhDs can last a lifetime to finish. And if she's depressed, it's likely to take at least that long. If you're prepared to wait for this guy, exactly how long do you think is reasonable?
Author goodgirltoronto Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Thank you everyone who replied for the advice. It's a very confusing time of my life that I never would have anticipated and I am completely in love with my old friend, and feel like my husband and I are just friends now, so my feelings are very close to the surface. I am optimistic about the future though and am working hard at keeping a decent friendship with my husband so that we can effectively parent the children no matter what happens between he and I. But we all have a right to be happy in this short life, and if my husband found someone he was happy with I would truly be happy for him. My main concern is my friend's wife and her depression -- my friend is a very good person and may eventually stay out of obligation, moral duty. I also do not want to feel responsible for her future. It's best if we broke up with our respective spouses and that they never found out about when our relationship re-commenced until well after we were separated, so they'd be hurt less. I have to prepare myself for the possibility that this may not work out -- that my friend's wife may have a major breakdown and he'll feel obliged to stay with her -- but in the mean time want to do my best to be there for him and work towards a future together. I know without a doubt that he loves me deeply and wants to be together. Out of guilt he wants her to at least have the PhD so she can support herself financially, not stop and blame him etc. But I, too, wonder if she'll ever really get it, especially since she doesn't intend on working again (not knowing that she may have to). She is a teacher and could certainly find work in the classroom without her PhD. I'll keep my fingers crossed and my heart open. Thanks everyone -- I appreciate the advice.
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