Author elizabetheje Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 i have confronted him in the past, which is why the creative excuses from him. he still denies it though. messed up, huh! i guess the only person I can know for sure what is right/wrong what I have/haven't done, is me. and I'm responsible for me and my own actions, so I'm going to do the right thing. regardless of what i think he may be guilty of.
Darth Vader Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 i have confronted him in the past, which is why the creative excuses from him. he still denies it though. messed up, huh! i guess the only person I can know for sure what is right/wrong what I have/haven't done, is me. and I'm responsible for me and my own actions, so I'm going to do the right thing. regardless of what i think he may be guilty of. Ok, serious question here..... How many times have you covered up, lied, denyed, given strange excuses? See a pattern here? He may know, he may not even have a clue.....................
LakesideDream Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 ok ok I see youre point. well if you're thinking its going to be that bad, then i definately don't want to be there. And just to note, yes, there is no excuse to cheat, but I am not reponsible for his actions once I tell him. I know he will be upset, I fully expect that. But I still am concerned for my safety..... I have read this thread and held back the bile until now. The statement "There is no excuse to cheat, but I am not responsible for his actions once I tell him", is typical and absolutely incorrect. You may not be legally liable, a court would decide. You certainly would share responsibility. You've lived with this man for many years and are expert in his abilities to cope, and in his reactions to stress. You created the situation, and with that comes responsibility. Further the thread has degenerated into a "he's probably, maybe, might be, cheating thread. Another example of abandoning responsibility. You sit at the grown up table for dinner, isn't it time you began acting like one?
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Although NO decisions will be made until the results of the paternity test are known. I understand the surface reasoning, but to me nothing here addresses the real question. What does the identity of the "bio" father have to do with your ability to maintain a relationship with either man? Mr. Lucky
Author elizabetheje Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 I do appreciate your feedback, the reason I posted here origonally was to get the angles that I am missing. as I am in the heart of this whole mess, I may not be thinking too clearly, there are alot of things running through my mind, and I am having a hard time sorting it all out. For the record, and if you read back through this thread, I am taking responsibility for my actions. I am a grown up and have made mistakes, and am going to deal with the consequences. thought that was clear. Also, the reasons for bringing up suspecting my husband is guilty of the same, was not to avoid my own responsibility, but to bring another possible response from him to the table for consideration, in that he may feel relieved because of things going on on his side. I did not shift responsibility there. thought that was clear also. being reponsible for his actions after I tell him, only goes so far. As you would gather from reading my posts, I am concerned for safety, not concerned to shift blame to him and say he's now the bad guy because he's not dealing with the news very well. i think you may be jumping to a conclusion here. I fully expect him to be angry, upset, etc, but I also cannot subject myself to a potentially violent situation regardless of the fact that am pregnant or not. The purpose of this part of the conversation was to get perspective on whether or not I should tell him on neutral ground, with or without another present, etc. again, I thought that was made clear as well. Don't take one sentence and shift it's entire meaning without considering the rest of the surrounding comments. .......it sure is easy to judge, isn't it?....... Darth - I appreciate your objectivity, you are helping me consider more than just what I thought was important. thank you for helping me gain perspective in order to handle things appropriately from here on in
Author elizabetheje Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 [You sit at the grown up table for dinner, isn't it time you began acting like one? wow, were you just waiting for the right time to use that line?
Darth Vader Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I do appreciate your feedback, the reason I posted here origonally was to get the angles that I am missing. as I am in the heart of this whole mess, I may not be thinking too clearly, there are alot of things running through my mind, and I am having a hard time sorting it all out. For the record, and if you read back through this thread, I am taking responsibility for my actions. I am a grown up and have made mistakes, and am going to deal with the consequences. thought that was clear. Also, the reasons for bringing up suspecting my husband is guilty of the same, was not to avoid my own responsibility, but to bring another possible response from him to the table for consideration, in that he may feel relieved because of things going on on his side. I did not shift responsibility there. thought that was clear also. being reponsible for his actions after I tell him, only goes so far. As you would gather from reading my posts, I am concerned for safety, not concerned to shift blame to him and say he's now the bad guy because he's not dealing with the news very well. i think you may be jumping to a conclusion here. I fully expect him to be angry, upset, etc, but I also cannot subject myself to a potentially violent situation regardless of the fact that am pregnant or not. The purpose of this part of the conversation was to get perspective on whether or not I should tell him on neutral ground, with or without another present, etc. again, I thought that was made clear as well. Don't take one sentence and shift it's entire meaning without considering the rest of the surrounding comments. .......it sure is easy to judge, isn't it?....... Darth - I appreciate your objectivity, you are helping me consider more than just what I thought was important. thank you for helping me gain perspective in order to handle things appropriately from here on in No problem, however I'd watch how you use that "Don't judge me " phrase, after all, people know (I especially) that people who use that type of BULLCRAP line use it so they don't have to take responsibility for their actions, or to accept consequences of their actions. All the while coming down on people who are trying to do the right thing/s. I strike quickly with my saber on that one! (Heavy Echoing Breathing) However, I don't think that one was aimed at me! Just a warning for the future........
LakesideDream Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 [You sit at the grown up table for dinner, isn't it time you began acting like one? wow, were you just waiting for the right time to use that line? Ah... no. It's what I told my kids when the got caught seriously messing up. You on the other hand have nothing to fear, no pain, no consequences, nada. You have walled off your misdeeds, and are busily redirecting critisism. Have at it. Nobody here really cares. Most every one here at LS has lived it, or lived through it. Hopefully next time you trip over the paint on the crosswalk and accidentially impale yourself on a strangers penis you will remember that actions have consequences.
LifesontheUp Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Hmmm......this puzzles me. Why? Because it took you 5 years to realise you made a mistake? 5 years?????? Not only that you tell us that your partner is unstable and you don't know how he may take this. Well sorry but you made your bed for 5 years so you gotta lie in it now. Surely getting out before your 5 year affair would have been easier. Am I right in saying that now you're having a baby your bit on the side would like to be together with you and bring the baby up if its his?.....where have you both been the last 5 years? hell thats a long time.! Sorry but if you didn't get together after that length of time I feel sorry for the baby as this seems to be a reaction to the news. Why get together just because of the baby? You'd be better off bringing up the baby on your own and getting help from a counsellor for your emotional problems regardless of who the babies father is. Sorry if I'm being blunt but both relationships are not good.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 You know reading this thread made me feel disgusted as a man and a human being she basically doesnt even realize that her family and his will be asking questions about the paternity. If the baby turns out to be the other man's they wont respect you, much less listen to you. Your family will hate you for what you've become. 5 years cheating??? and your thinking of the OM to raise the child!!! are you freaking crazy!!! That aint a marriage! that's polygamy! And in most states by definition that is a crime! You need to tell your husband the complete truth!!! I mean everything. Have all both of your families around. So that way you can the destruction this taudrey affair have on both of them! You can see how your so-called happiness is ripping others apart. Whether your husband has been cheating too is a moot point. What you have been doing is way worse! In the long run when your husband confronts the OM even he wont stay long because if you could cheat on your husband, someday you'll damn sure cheat on him. Alot of times people do not learn from mistakes. What gives you the right to just trample all over your marriage like nothing.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Well sorry but you made your bed for 5 years so you gotta lie in it now. Well, she has actually been making two beds for the last 5 years ... Mr. Lucky
Author elizabetheje Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 I agree I have made a mess. I know that, and am dealing with it. I could give you a hundred excuses and jusifications for my actions but i know they mean nothing. So I am not, and have not done that. I was not absolving responsibility, was simply trying to make decisions to resolve this situation so that the lies and deceit could end. The purpose of my post here was to get some feedback now that I am in this situation and have needed to deal with it, NOT to have you all barf on my shoes. Your attemps at trying to make me feel like a piece of garbage are feeble at best. Now is not the time to wallow in self-hatred, nor worry about my family and friends hating me. I already stated that I know what my mistakes are. I focusing on now doing what is right, and I do agree with you all that my husband needs the entire truth, which is why after I read your posts this morning I took a deep breath, and came clean to him about everything this morning. The consequences are mine to deal with, and I will.
bestadvisor Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I focusing on now doing what is right, and I do agree with you all that my husband needs the entire truth, which is why after I read your posts this morning I took a deep breath, and came clean to him about everything this morning. The consequences are mine to deal with, and I will. What was his responce? Will he forgive you if the baby turn out to be his?
Author elizabetheje Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 I don't know that yet. both of us have a lot of soul searching to do and we have left off at that agreed point. We are going to give ourselves some time to independantly think about what we want for our future. I am prepared to go it alone, and that may be the best choice for me. Don't know that yet, things are a little raw right now.
bestadvisor Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Do you think the reason that he did not get as mad as he should is because he has cheated too?
JustBreathe Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Get a paternity test just to know who fathered the baby. Leave your husband regardless as it is clear you do not love him anymore. You were wtih another man for half your marriage so it is clear you are not being fulfilled by your marriage. Your husband is having an affair also, so it is clear he is also not fulfilled. Leave your husband so that he can have a chance to find someone who CAN love him. So he can get some help for himself and make himself a decent man and perhaps he can move on to a better life. I would not want a spouse who did not love me or respect me.
RecordProducer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I think only the couple knows how they feel about each other and what made them fall in love in the first place. A marriage is a journey, a whole life for itself. Marriages fall and break and rise above the crises many times during their journeys. If you see marriage as a one-time use, it will last as much as a paper tissue. Imagine if somebody said: you're 35 and have done nothing with your life so you better end it. People may be willing to work on the marriage and fall in love with each other all over again after affairs and painful experiences. This woman might not love her husband, but we don't know that. They were both willing to go to marriage counseling, so they might still care about each other. It's very easy to break things and turn your back. It's hard to be constructive, forgiving, and put effort into preserving the relationship. Of course, both people should be willing to do that and most marriages break apart because one of them is not willing to try. People are lazy and want happiness to be served to them on a silver plate. We are taught from early childhood that "normal" is to have perfect friends, perfect grades. perfect careers, perfect marriages, perfect children. This dangerous illusion is killing the happiness - because our perfect goals are never achieved. If the husband turns out to be the father, it may very well pay to invest some effort into preserving the marriage.
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