Paternity Issue

[elizabetheje]

I am 34 and 22 weeks pregnant. I have been unfaithful to my husband for the last 5 years with the same man. I have been unable to get pregnant until now, it is a mystery how it happened (well, I know how it happened, but why now?) Anyhow, I have attempted to leave my husband of 10 years several times, and always end up staying and regretting it. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive, controlling and an ex-alcoholic that has several emotional issues. The man I have been having the affair with wants to know for sure if the baby is his, as he would want to begin a life with me and his child. We have just sent our dna samples in today to get tested to be sure who the father is. I know for sure the dates that this man and I were together are the dates that I would have conceived. I cannot say for sure if I was with my husband around those days, more than likely this is my lover's baby.

Bottom line, I know that we were wrong to carry on an affair, but I cannot change that now, and the result is that I am going to have a baby that is most likely his.

I'm just so torn up, but as I write this and imagine possible responses, I see that this is a no-brainer. I need to be honest with my husband as had as it will be to tell him, and move out.

I want to get a place of my own first before starting a new life with this other man, I think that's wisest. I just hate the thought of starting over and being on my own with a brand new child.

Has anyone ever gone through this? Does anyone have any words of advice (not criticism thanks, I know what my mistakes are) to offer or just words of support? I appreciate any responses.

[Ali4134]

You have a good head on your shoulders. You know what you need to do, and although hard, it will make you more happy than staying where you are. You won't be alone, because your OM has said that he wants to be there. Always remember, your mistakes are not WHO you are. Just be strong and do what you know you have to.

[reboot]

What if the baby is actually your husbands? Have you discussed this possiblity with OM? Do you want out of the marriage regardless?

[elizabetheje]

If the baby is my husband's then OM and I cut ties completely, and I try to get H to go to counselling with me to work on our marraige. If this doesn't work, then I would most likely end up leaving, with or without a future with the OM.

[Cobra_X30]

I agree with Reboot. You shouldnt make any determinations until the paternity test comes back!

 

Your situation sucks. It doesnt matter who the father is, you need to leave your husband! If he really is abusive... dont put your kid through that, even if its his.

[RecordProducer]

I don't know if you love your lover and would like to live with him. I got the feeling that you're not thrilled about that option. Is this your first child?

Regarding having a baby on your own, first of all, whoever the father, he will support and probably see the child and love him. If you have the financial means to support yourself, you'll be fine. I have raised my babies with a husband (for the first two years only) and I would have prefered if he weren't around. A woman needs to be alone with her child in order to enjoy her motherhood. Men are such a distraction and a constant source of stress. If you raise your kid by yourself, you're lucky. All the children who get wild as teens are the ones who live with both parents. It's somehow always connected with spiting the father (or step-father) or because of lack of attention, which is again a result of the mother being preoccupied with her marriage, instead of the children.

 

Don't forget that in nature, females raise their young ones without the males' interference. I re-married two years ago and my current husband adores my kids and they him. But there's a lot of stress and rioting and competition... and they are barely 9 years old. They werd good while our marriage was good, but when it started going downhill they went crazy, too. Children need peace and stability. And they get it very rarely in two-parent households.

[reboot]

All the children who get wild as teens are the ones who live with both parents. It's somehow always connected with spiting the father (or step-father) or because of lack of attention, which is again a result of the mother being preoccupied with her marriage, instead of the children.

Do you have something to back this up? Seems like a mighty bold blanket statement.

 

I was raised by a single mom, I barely knew my father, I never had a step-father, and I was plenty wild. I also had friends that were raised by one parent that were plenty wild too.

[Cobra_X30]

A woman needs to be alone with her child in order to enjoy her motherhood. Men are such a distraction and a constant source of stress.

 

Don't forget that in nature, females raise their young ones without the males' interference.

 

RP, I dont think that is true at all. In fact the more engergy and time it requires to get offspring to be self suficient, the more male input is required. In fact biologically speaking thats the reason that human females have masked periods... and why sex is enjoyable.

 

It sounds like you just dont know how to handle a relationship. Thats not a knock... I'm not good at it either.

[elizabetheje]

I do agree that children can become a result of their environment and upbringing, but I have seen wild kids as a result of all different family scenarios.

I am not worried about being alone, and don't NEED this OM in my life to be happy. this is my first child, although I have a 15 yr old stepson that lives with my husband and I that will be very hard to walk away from. (one of the main reasons I have stayed for way too long).

I would prefer that my child know their father and be loved by both parents regardless of where they live or if they are together or apart.

The only thing I am not thrilled about is that I do not want to jeopardize another relationship by jumping in too quickly just because there is a child involved, it needs to be for the right reasons. I do love this OM, we have known each other for 10 years and have been intimate for the last 5 of them. He has never pushed me to leave my husband. He has always known that I would do it on my own when I was ready.

well, now just might be the time!

My main concern is that for myself and my child, (due end of Feb, so have a few months to sort things out) and the romantic life would come second. If I had to choose a father figure from both my husband and the OM, I would choose the OM hands down.

 

Although NO decisions will be made until the results of the paternity test are known.

[RecordProducer]

Do you have something to back this up? Seems like a mighty bold blanket statement.

 

I was raised by a single mom, I barely knew my father, I never had a step-father, and I was plenty wild. I also had friends that were raised by one parent that were plenty wild too.

It was my personal observation, that's all. I should add that it depend son how the mother raises the child and how much time and energy she has for him. Nothing is too wild until you end up as a bum or in jail or 6 feet under.

 

RP, I dont think that is true at all. In fact the more engergy and time it requires to get offspring to be self suficient, the more male input is required. In fact biologically speaking thats the reason that human females have masked periods... and why sex is enjoyable.

 

It sounds like you just dont know how to handle a relationship. Thats not a knock... I'm not good at it either.

Sex is enjoyable, because nature wants you to screw so you get pregnant and prolong the species. Why do most men lose interst after a year or less? Because they are not meant to live in a family. Some animals raise their kids together, but in most species, it's the mother who raises them alone.

 

It has nothing to do with me not being able to handle a relationship and if you read more of my posts you would know my life story. It's not my fault that both my husbands were unstable and felt it was easier to get out than work on the relationship. If anything, I am guilty of ever giving them the chance to hurt me. Hopefully next time I'll pick the right guy.

 

My main concern is that for myself and my child, (due end of Feb, so have a few months to sort things out) and the romantic life would come second. If I had to choose a father figure from both my husband and the OM, I would choose the OM hands down.

You sound sane and realistic, so I am sure you will deal with the situation in the best way. I hope the OM is the father, so you can get away from an abusive relationship.

[Cobra_X30]

Although NO decisions will be made until the results of the paternity test are known.

 

Yes, Very good plan. Truth is its going to be alright. Tough but your going to be fine.

 

 

Sex is enjoyable, because nature wants you to screw so you get pregnant and prolong the species. Why do most men lose interst after a year or less? Because they are not meant to live in a family. Some animals raise their kids together, but in most species, it's the mother who raises them alone.

 

It has nothing to do with me not being able to handle a relationship and if you read more of my posts you would know my life story. It's not my fault that both my husbands were unstable and felt it was easier to get out than work on the relationship. If anything, I am guilty of ever giving them the chance to hurt me. Hopefully next time I'll pick the right guy.

 

We are the ONLY animal on the planet that has sex for the fun of it. Even when we do not expect to reproduce and after our ability to reproduce is gone. Trust me, I've taken whole classes that deal with reproductive strategies.

 

In a natural setting Men are absolutely essential to community survival. I suppose in todays society we arent as usefull.

 

Well, I cant make comments on your male selection process, but what I can tell you is that as wierd as this may sound... you need to make marriage a priority. If you try and build your marriage around your kids... it will fail, and neither you, your husband, nor your kids will be happy in the end. Kids need both parents. I know because I only had 1.

[elizabetheje]

do you think that it's a cop-out to move out while he is gone and leave him a letter? I am worried there will be a big blowout and we're out in the country with acres and acres surrounding us. Am I not facing the music by leaving a letter?

[Kenyth]

I don't know if you love your lover and would like to live with him. I got the feeling that you're not thrilled about that option. Is this your first child?

Regarding having a baby on your own, first of all, whoever the father, he will support and probably see the child and love him. If you have the financial means to support yourself, you'll be fine. I have raised my babies with a husband (for the first two years only) and I would have prefered if he weren't around. A woman needs to be alone with her child in order to enjoy her motherhood. Men are such a distraction and a constant source of stress. If you raise your kid by yourself, you're lucky. All the children who get wild as teens are the ones who live with both parents. It's somehow always connected with spiting the father (or step-father) or because of lack of attention, which is again a result of the mother being preoccupied with her marriage, instead of the children.

 

Don't forget that in nature, females raise their young ones without the males' interference. I re-married two years ago and my current husband adores my kids and they him. But there's a lot of stress and rioting and competition... and they are barely 9 years old. They werd good while our marriage was good, but when it started going downhill they went crazy, too. Children need peace and stability. And they get it very rarely in two-parent households.

 

As a blanket statement, research doesn't seem to support this view. Children in homes with both parents who have a stable marriage fare best (on average) in everything I've read. Unstable marriages are almost as bad as divorced.

 

There is some evidence I just read about that say's children raised by same-sex single parents fare better than those living with opposite-sex single parents. Discipline seems to be better and more productive in same-sex single parent households. Particularly for boys.

[Darth Vader]

If the baby is my husband's then OM and I cut ties completely, and I try to get H to go to counselling with me to work on our marraige. If this doesn't work, then I would most likely end up leaving, with or without a future with the OM.

 

 

You need to come clean first with your husband about what you have been doing behind his back, let him make his own choice about his own life. Don't take your husband for money and stuff for your own mistake. I hate to say it, but when he does find out, it will be worse than it has ever been.

[elizabetheje]

I agree, but that is why I asked about writing a letter instead of "facing the music". I am concerned that this awful news will be too much adn things will get out of hand quickly. What kind of controlled environment should I tell him in? Should I seek a counsellor and take him there and tell him in that setting?

[allina]

This is why many people favor mandatory paternity testing at birth.

[Darth Vader]

I agree, but that is why I asked about writing a letter instead of "facing the music". I am concerned that this awful news will be too much adn things will get out of hand quickly. What kind of controlled environment should I tell him in? Should I seek a counsellor and take him there and tell him in that setting?

 

 

That's a very good Idea, is he huge? Better get 3-4 guys to be there if he is. Be prepared for all HELL to break loose then, I'm sure you are preparing though, but, remember, there's NO excuse for cheating, and what ever happens, the way he feels and takes it, including reactions, you did that to him! He has every right to scream, etc. And whatever you do, don't say that "oh, I'm soooo sorry" crap, that'll only make him madder, because he'll know that if you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done it!

[MrsHellnoFire]

Yes, Very good plan. Truth is its going to be alright. Tough but your going to be fine.

 

 

 

 

We are the ONLY animal on the planet that has sex for the fun of it. Even when we do not expect to reproduce and after our ability to reproduce is gone. Trust me, I've taken whole classes that deal with reproductive strategies.

 

Only species? That's false. Only species on land yes (as far as researchers know).

 

 

Unstable marriages are almost as bad as divorced.

 

Almost as bad?

Depends on what one would characterize as being "unstable"? I don't think any form of abuse or constantly being witness to sordid and abundant arguments or battles is "stable". More time devoted to a dysfunctional marriage and little to the kids. The problem is that divorced parents likely have to work more and have less time with the kids. But I'd take a divorce over a long-term "unstable" treacherous marriage anytime.

[elizabetheje]

That's a very good Idea, is he huge? Better get 3-4 guys to be there if he is. Be prepared for all HELL to break loose then, I'm sure you are preparing though, but, remember, there's NO excuse for cheating, and what ever happens, the way he feels and takes it, including reactions, you did that to him! He has every right to scream, etc. And whatever you do, don't say that "oh, I'm soooo sorry" crap, that'll only make him madder, because he'll know that if you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done it!

 

 

ok ok I see youre point. well if you're thinking its going to be that bad, then i definately don't want to be there.

And just to note, yes, there is no excuse to cheat, but I am not reponsible for his actions once I tell him. I know he will be upset, I fully expect that. But I still am concerned for my safety.....

[Cobra_X30]

I agree, but that is why I asked about writing a letter instead of "facing the music". I am concerned that this awful news will be too much adn things will get out of hand quickly. What kind of controlled environment should I tell him in? Should I seek a counsellor and take him there and tell him in that setting?

 

Listen if your afraid that he may bust out with a shotgun... yes definitely leave a letter!!

 

In my opinion... if the baby isnt his... Telling him anything beyond the fact that you want a divorce is optional!

[Darth Vader]

ok ok I see youre point. well if you're thinking its going to be that bad, then i definately don't want to be there.

And just to note, yes, there is no excuse to cheat, but I am not reponsible for his actions once I tell him. I know he will be upset, I fully expect that. But I still am concerned for my safety.....

 

 

I never said for you to let him hurt you. His actions may include cussing you out badly, calling you every name in the book and inventing some along the way. But one way or the other he has to know. Are you thinking of just letting the counselor tell him? Oh, and I said reactions, not actions. How do you think he will react?

[elizabetheje]

if we did it with a counsellor, I would do the talking, it's my responsibility. I think he will react as any normal guy would, he'll be very upset. I agree he needs to know. I need the test results first.

On the other hand he may be relieved. I do believe he has been carrying on his own relationship with someone as well (not justifying mine...) and possibly he will feel some relief and maybe this is better for both of us.

[Darth Vader]

if we did it with a counsellor, I would do the talking, it's my responsibility. I think he will react as any normal guy would, he'll be very upset. I agree he needs to know. I need the test results first.

On the other hand he may be relieved. I do believe he has been carrying on his own relationship with someone as well (not justifying mine...) and possibly he will feel some relief and maybe this is better for both of us.

 

 

How is it that you suspect your husband of cheating, but he knows nothing of yours?

[elizabetheje]

I have discovered evidence of it, and he comes up with creative excuses. Phonecalls are lied about, and I have found valentines cards etc.

(again, I already know I'm no better).

another possibility is that he alread knows about mine, and somehow does not want to broach the subject... but why???? makes him feel better about his?

argh this is too confusing now. I should stick to the topic.

[Darth Vader]

Hmmmm, I almost willing to say.......... Well you could confront him about his affair, not in a bad way of course, tell him you know about it, and at the same time tell him what you told us about your affair and being pregnant with OM's child, maybe.