Should you tell someone their faults after a breakup?

[marlena]

So you're ignorant if you believe that you're intelligent, are you serious?

 

Ok, let me clarify. No, you are not ignorant if you think you are intelligent but you are ignorant if you beleive that you are more intelligent than everyone else on the planet. People who condescendingly speak down to people are not intelligent at all. Intelligence means knowing that you have so much to learn from others. Even the dim - witted have something to say.

 

Maybe that's why good ol' Socrates kept asking all those questions. He was interested in finding out how other people think and learn. Now THAT my friend is intelligence.

 

A real philosopher/thinker would attempt to find out as much about the situation before weighing-in...

 

I do not see myself as a philosopher/thinker. Do you?

 

Just because my assessment of the situation differs from yours does not mean mine is any less right or wrong than yours. I weighed - in basing my assumptions (for after all that's what we are all doing here) on the limited info the OP provided. You also made assumptions with the exact same info at your disposal. Did you wait to find out more before you pitched in your two cents? Talk about hypocrisy. It's OK for you to voice your opinion without waiting to find out more but it's not OK for me. Why do you feel entitled to do that? Sheesh!

 

 

As for the decoder - ring, it's all yours, sweetie! You need it more than I do! |Let us now if it works!

[marlena]

I thought it would be useless for FinallyHappyMe to talk to her ex, because judging by what she has written about him, her words will, in all likelihood, fall onto deaf ears. When a person a priori dismisses everything you say because he/she feels intellectually superior to you, then, you are wasting your words, time and energy. This person is not open to criticism and will do anything to defend himself often twisting and distorting what you say so as to come out on top so to speak. That to me is not a sign of intelligence but ignorance. Intelligence is about the capability to use your cognitive powers to learn and learn fast.

 

I am sure that FHM's ex in the interim they have been apart has realized why things did not work out between them and what his share of the responsibilty is. At least, I hopw he has. I hope he learned from his relationship. I think that the only reason he wants to see her is to manipulate her into doing whatever it is he is hoping for. She is already in another relationship. I wonder. Does he know this? If he does, then, it could be an ego thing. People with superiority complexes have huge egos.

 

To the OP,

 

If you think you need to see him, then do so. But like another poster said, go in caution!

[lindya]

Anyways, In the end my question is this: He wants to meet up to just talk about things. Talk about the break up and have some closure with us. Should I tell him this? I don't want him to think I'm attacking him and a HUGE part of me thinks that even if i tell him he will brush it off 'because he knows better'

 

That's probably what will happen. You broke up with him, right? If so, that puts you in a position of power. You made a decision that had a major effect on his life. If he has always, as you say, been a sore loser then he probably feels compelled to redress that balance. I'd guess that his aim, in having any meeting with you, would be all about presenting a view of the situation which meets his own ego needs and interests - and by this stage those are probably in direct opposition to yours.

 

I wouldn't have any kind of meeting with him. You know why you broke up with him, so from your perspective there is already resolution. From the sound of things you tried to address this with him when the two of you were still together and he didn't really listen - or he turned it back on you (eg "you made me do that"). I doubt his responses will be any different now that the two of you are no longer together.

[marlena]

If so, that puts you in a position of power. You made a decision that had a major effect on his life. If he has always, as you say, been a sore loser then he probably feels compelled to redress that balance.

 

Happy,

 

This is what I also think. He might be, as Lindya pointed out, trying to regain some of the power he lost when you ended things. God forbid should you have the last word!

 

 

From the sound of things you tried to address this with him when the two of you were still together and he didn't really listen - or he turned it back on you (eg "you made me do that"). I doubt his responses will be any different now that the two of you are no longer together.

 

My point exactly. That's why I think not seeing him is the way to go! These were issues that you tried to address time and time again in the past. He wasn't listening!

Why would he listen now? Rather than telling him what he did wrong, let him figure things out on his own. When he does (if he does), his self -reached realizations will have a greater impact than anything you say to him possibly could.

[Darkzen]

Ok, let me clarify. No, you are not ignorant if you think you are intelligent but you are ignorant if you beleive that you are more intelligent than everyone else on the planet. People who condescendingly speak down to people are not intelligent at all.Intelligence means knowing that you have so much to learn from others. Even the dim - witted have something to say.

Slow down there kitten, who said that they're smarter than everyone on the planet? I sure and the hell didn't, I do believe that I'm smarter than a good portion of people though (and I have the IQ scores to back it up). Here's a good one for you, my ex graduated from UPENN with a degree in neuroscience, yet she actually paid money for a rock... just goes to show that education =/= intelligence.

 

As for speaking down to others, you do it as much as anyone I've encountered on this site. I do it also, but it's usually after the person shows me that they don't deserve to be treated as equals. I consider intelligence your ability to problem solve and how quickly you process information, wisdom is your ability to understand and apply past experience(s). So listening would fall under being wise, not how intelligent someone is IMHO.

Maybe that's why good ol' Socrates kept asking all those questions. He was interested in finding out how other people think and learn. Now THAT my friend is intelligence.

 

No, I'd call that wisdom. I continually seek answers, otherwise why would I bother talking to some of the people on this site? These same people that run away from a discussion, because they have no way to counter some of the logic I toss their way. BTW, Socrates was the master of the superiority complex... I believe that he didn't ask questions because he cared what you thought. Instead, he asked questions to test how much you really did know. You may want to go back and reread some of his teachings. Circular logic is a thing of beauty, it's a fail-safe method of pointing out who's full of sh*t.

 

I do not see myself as a philosopher/thinker. Do you?

 

I'm definitely a philosopher/thinker... it's actually one of the few things in life that I enjoy. Aside from threesomes, ruining people's lives, arguing on message boards, etc...

 

Just because my assessment of the situation differs from yours does not mean mine is any less right or wrong than yours. I weighed - in basing my assumptions (for after all that's what we are all doing here) on the limited info the OP provided. You also made assumptions with the exact same info at your disposal. Did you wait to find out more before you pitched in your two cents? Talk about hypocrisy. It's OK for you to voice your opinion without waiting to find out more but it's not OK for me. Why do you feel entitled to do that? Sheesh!

 

There's a slight difference between how we approached the situation. I wasn't attacking someone based on hearsay. I asked questions of the OP to better understand the situation and based on her responses, I was correct on a few key details. This is when I elaborated on my opinions and actually offered some advice. So yes, I did wait to find out more, before condemning someone.

 

Nor did I say that your opinion is wrong and mine is right. Merely that you're a hypocrite. Followed by a few points to back-up why I think that.

 

As for the decoder - ring, it's all yours, sweetie! You need it more than I do! |Let us now if it works!

I don't need the decoder ring anymore, I already know how to recognize others who think that their sh*t doesn't smell, as bad as everyone else's. It's an elite club, you get to sit around and scoff at all of the simpletons...

 

I thought it would be useless for FinallyHappyMe to talk to her ex, because judging by what she has written about him, her words will, in all likelihood, fall onto deaf ears. When a person a priori dismisses everything you say because he/she feels intellectually superior to you, then, you are wasting your words, time and energy. This person is not open to criticism and will do anything to defend himself often twisting and distorting what you say so as to come out on top so to speak. That to me is not a sign of intelligence but ignorance. Intelligence is about the capability to use your cognitive powers to learn and learn fast.

 

We're open to criticism, but it has to appeal to our superior intellect. "I feel" doesn't cut it. We learn from challenges, if you're not being challenged they you cannot learn. You have to challenge people if you want to teach them, but you also have to appeal to their personality.

 

I am sure that FHM's ex in the interim they have been apart has realized why things did not work out between them and what his share of the responsibilty is. At least, I hopw he has. I hope he learned from his relationship. I think that the only reason he wants to see her is to manipulate her into doing whatever it is he is hoping for. She is already in another relationship. I wonder. Does he know this? If he does, then, it could be an ego thing. People with superiority complexes have huge egos.

 

Not all people with superiority complexes have large egos. I feel superior to others based on my experiences... people usually underwhelm me. I don't think I'm better because it makes me feel good, in-fact it sickens me that people are generally as stupid as they are. Nor do I believe that I'm the biggest and baddest person around, many people are bigger and badder (hypothetically speaking, I'm not referring to actual size or attitude). I dream that people were smarter, we'd have a lot less problems in the world... even if that means I'd become average or run of the mill. Being intelligent is as much of a curse as it is a gift IMHO. I'd love to be ignorant and blissful at times.

[Darkzen]

Happy,

 

This is what I also think. He might be, as Lindya pointed out, trying to regain some of the power he lost when you ended things. God forbid should you have the last word!

 

Why is it always about power, that's a F'd up way to look at a relationship. It shouldn't be about power. It should be about closure, removing doubt and killing hope... not about who gets the last word. Just like me and my ex, I got revenge to remove the doubt and kill the hope... not because I wanted to be in charge. She made me out to be a bad guy unfairly, so I became a bad guy to make the situation fair. I don't have to wonder why or hope she changes her mind, the door has been closed. Allowing us both to move on, with clear consciouses. I know that I sleep soundly at night nowadays.

 

My point exactly. That's why I think not seeing him is the way to go! These were issues that you tried to address time and time again in the past. He wasn't listening!

Why would he listen now? Rather than telling him what he did wrong, let him figure things out on his own. When he does (if he does), his self -reached realizations will have a greater impact than anything you say to him possibly could.

He wasn't listening to what exactly, "I feel such and such"? Both of them are at fault for the situation not working out. Both of you need to stop blaming one another and start blaming yourself for the things you did wrong. No relationship is going to be successful if you cannot learn to communicate. You know conveying thoughts and/or feelings into words. At least until we master the art of telepathy and/or empathy. Not to say that he doesn't share part of the blame either.

[marlena]

Darkzen,

 

Enough hi- jacking Happy's thread!!! If you want to talk about whether there exists a correlation between good listening skills and intelligence and/or wisdom, start a new thread.

 

As for the "superiority - complex decoder ring" that you don't need anymore obviously it's like that rock your ex bought (couldn't resist)!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

[Darkzen]

Darkzen,

 

Enough hi- jacking Happy's thread!!! If you want to talk about whether there exists a correlation between good listening skills and intelligence and/or wisdom, start a new thread.

 

As for the "superiority - complex decoder ring" that you don't need anymore obviously it's like that rock your ex bought (couldn't resist)!!!!!!

I'm back on topic, see my last post.

[marlena]

Darkzen,

 

I don not think that relationships should be power trips. But there are people who do. If you happen to be involved with a person who does, then, you have to deal with this issue whether you like it or not. If you decide to stay in the relationship, then ,you automatically choose to get entrapped in these power games which is sad.

 

Relationships are seldom about balance. Sometimes there's in equal share of responsiblity. Sometimes one person is more at fault than the other.

 

I think Happy was trying to communicate in words with her EX more than he was. He just wasn't listening. Now, it's too late. She's moved on.

 

Perhaps this will teach him better communication skills.

[marlena]

Sometimes there's in equal share of responsiblity

.

 

Correction: Sometime's there isn't an equal share of responsibility.

[tinke]

i don't know what purpose it would serve to gp back and verbalize faults, whether different from the original expressed or not. you are with someone else, why focus on articulating reasons for the break-up. is he asking for more closure?

[marlena]

And of course, there's just incompatibility, plain and simple!

[ttree]

I'd say nothing, pointing out his faults is a fruitless exercise, you dont want to be with him, and you have someone else.

 

It will just make you look petty and bitter and finally it will appear to him as though you are saying, "I have someone, I'm happy, these are your flaws, you dont have someone, you will always be lonely"

 

These thoughts are best kept to yourself.

[Darkzen]

Darkzen,

 

I don not think that relationships should be power trips. But there are people who do. If you happen to be involved with a person who does, then, you have to deal with this issue whether you like it or not. If you decide to stay in the relationship, then ,you automatically choose to get entrapped in these power games which is sad.

 

Relationships are seldom about balance. Sometimes there's in equal share of responsiblity. Sometimes one person is more at fault than the other.

 

I think Happy was trying to communicate in words with her EX more than he was. He just wasn't listening. Now, it's too late. She's moved on.

 

Perhaps this will teach him better communication skills.

 

Well, I hope they both learn better communication skills. The OP even said that she can't verbalize some feelings... to me, that appears neither of them were listening. He was blinded by logic and she was blinded by emotions. Those aren't good traits to bring into future relationships IMHO.

 

I get blinded by logic, because I don't take into account the emotional side at times. Just as my ex would get blinded by emotions, because she wouldn't take into account logic at times. A perfect example is when we broke up. She kept giving me reasons for the way she felt, but every reason was incorrect in her recollection. The details were warped to fit her feelings. She blamed me for things that I didn't do. Although, on the hand, I didn't take into account that she had these feelings (because it had no rhyme or reason to it).

 

We were both to blame, because of conflicting thought patterns. Everything must be in moderation is what I've come to realize... too much emotion is bad, just as too much logic is also. I try to let both sides of my brain weigh-in on things.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is... the OP needs to stop blaming others as an excuse, because it's not going to fix her own issues. I think ultimately, that should be her goal. Not venting on her ex, because of anger/frustration/guilt/etc... Although, confronting him might be a good learning experience for both of them. They'll both question what's said and that might bring them some self-enlightenment.

 

As for the balance of responsibility... you cannot concern yourself with what others do. It's a struggle of futility. It's better to address your own issues... this is why I believe that relationships should be about two people sharing their time. Not two people sharing their lives. Each individual needs their own life, meeting in the middle... problems arise when both individuals are living the same life. They have no escape, no individualism. This is when the other person gets put under the microscope, so to speak... magnifying everything they do.

[The Joker]

Anyways, In the end my question is this: He wants to meet up to just talk about things. Talk about the break up and have some closure with us. Should I tell him this? I don't want him to think I'm attacking him and a HUGE part of me thinks that even if i tell him he will brush it off 'because he knows better' so I'm not sure? I just really want him to find happiness in the future and I think telling him would benefit him in his future relationships. Or should I just let it go and let him figure it out on his own?

 

If you feel the pleasure you will get from the closure, will exceed that of the lingering pain that will follow the many truths that may follow then by all means inject yourself with a poison.

[alterego1234]

OP, you still hope for respect instead of contempt from him.

 

Meeting him and explaining your real reasons will not get you the respect from him you want.

 

Let it go. It is enough to respect yourself.

[birdie]

I think the other person deserves an explanation, I always give one when I break up with someone. If you spent some time with them you must like them to some extent and they deserve to know what went wrong.

 

It is often about compatibility as others mentioned before and what is right for one is not for another but people have to learn whom they can get along with and what they can change in themselves. If you keep getting the same comments from various exes then surely the penny will drop eventually?

[finallyhappyme]

Ok, let me clarify. No, you are not ignorant if you think you are intelligent but you are ignorant if you beleive that you are more intelligent than everyone else on the planet. People who condescendingly speak down to people are not intelligent at all. Intelligence means knowing that you have so much to learn from others. Even the dim - witted have something to say.

 

Maybe that's why good ol' Socrates kept asking all those questions. He was interested in finding out how other people think and learn. Now THAT my friend is intelligence.

 

 

 

I do not see myself as a philosopher/thinker. Do you?

 

Just because my assessment of the situation differs from yours does not mean mine is any less right or wrong than yours. I weighed - in basing my assumptions (for after all that's what we are all doing here) on the limited info the OP provided. You also made assumptions with the exact same info at your disposal. Did you wait to find out more before you pitched in your two cents? Talk about hypocrisy. It's OK for you to voice your opinion without waiting to find out more but it's not OK for me. Why do you feel entitled to do that? Sheesh!

 

 

As for the decoder - ring, it's all yours, sweetie! You need it more than I do! |Let us now if it works!

 

Marlena You see my point of view Exactly!! I would try over and over to explain to him that just because you are the BEST at something and you have pages and pages of references does NOT mean it gives you the green light to rub it in everyones face and does NOT give you the green light to talk down to people and 'brush off' what other people are telling you. If your REALLY the sh*T then you know it and that's it you don't have to go around trying to PROVE and state to everyone that your the Sh*t.

 

 

His talking down to me without even realizing it is what would p*ss me off. And then when I would call him out on it he didn't know what I was talking about and felt I was getting angry because he 'was right' and I was wrong. DAMMIT it's not about being right or wrong.

 

Love is not a who's right or wrong battle it's about listening and compromising. I grew tired of 'collecting amo' and trying so hard to play a game I never wanted to play to begin with.

 

And Yes, I guess I wanted to speak to him and tell him these things to gain the RESPECT from him that I have never felt. And what really gets me is that he will freely give that respect to people he has just met and ask their opinion when I had been telling him the same thing for months. For months I would tell him one thing and he would brush me off but a stranger will go ahead and tell him the exact same thing and he would take it and accept it and follow it.

 

Darkzen I would like to say thank you for posting. Honestly you do think very much like my ex and it's nice seeing your point of view on things because it's almost exactly I think how he would react towards me if we had this conversation. But I would like to point out that not at all did I EVER say I was not to blame for the things that went on in my relationship. You keep 'assuming' yet again, that I am not accepting blame for the breakup. Or that I am trying to PASS BLAME. The title of this post is not HOW CAN I PASS ON THE BLAME, The point of this post was: that the reason I gave for the breakup had changed and I was wondering if I should tell him he had more to do with it, because I actually took most of the blame when we split. Leaving him even MORE big headed. I do have lots of faults which I had to find out myself and through other people because he would never tell me. I made a huge effort to correct these things. I did so and changed and everyone around me noticed the difference except him. I did voice with actual reasons and intelligence for the most part, I said only 'SOMETIMES' did I say I just 'FELT' a certain way. You better believe if you asked me what I wanted I could tell you in two seconds. I don't have time to play that Dumb Blonde game. I know what I want and I know what I don't. I did voice my concerns but he would brush them off and not really listen, leaving me feeling unappreciated. Leaving him angry at me and thinking to himself 'I'm so great and I do everything for her and all she does is complain, I WILL NEVER MAKE HER HAPPY' He just didn't get it.

 

I am with someone new now and I love how with one look this person understands what I'm feeling and what I want without even using words. I don't have to sit there and find reasons, and facts, and F-ing articles to explain to him. He just knows and he trusts me, and RESPECTS ME. He just understands me. BUT, I admit I'm still not over my ex. I didn't want to really leave him, everything else was great about us but that was a huge bump I just couldn't get over so I had to man up and let him go. I knew that more months of me trying to work things out with him would be fruitless and leaving him was my only option. It's taking a while for me to fully get over it, but I'm sure I will be ok. All in life happens for a reason, at least I think so.

 

He called over the weekend but I was with my new guy and didn't pick up. No voicemail. A poster made a GREAT point though which is something I believe; Him finding out on his OWN I think will have much of a greater impact on him than if I were to tell him.

[marlena]

Him finding out on his OWN I think will have much of a greater impact on him than if I were to tell him.

 

Guilty as charged. Silence sometimes speaks louder than words. After all, you saw what all those moths/years of talking to him got you? Nowhere. A quandary. Give him time to peruse what has happened... to reach his conclusions. I am willing to bet your words carry more weight now that you are apart than they ever did when you were together. One day..perhaps.. he will see indeed that not everything has to be argued and debated til one of the opponents surrenders to the winner. A mature relationship isn't about winning and losing!

[Darkzen]

Darkzen I would like to say thank you for posting. Honestly you do think very much like my ex and it's nice seeing your point of view on things because it's almost exactly I think how he would react towards me if we had this conversation. But I would like to point out that not at all did I EVER say I was not to blame for the things that went on in my relationship. You keep 'assuming' yet again, that I am not accepting blame for the breakup. Or that I am trying to PASS BLAME. The title of this post is not HOW CAN I PASS ON THE BLAME, The point of this post was: that the reason I gave for the breakup had changed and I was wondering if I should tell him he had more to do with it, because I actually took most of the blame when we split. Leaving him even MORE big headed. I do have lots of faults which I had to find out myself and through other people because he would never tell me. I made a huge effort to correct these things. I did so and changed and everyone around me noticed the difference except him. I did voice with actual reasons and intelligence for the most part, I said only 'SOMETIMES' did I say I just 'FELT' a certain way. You better believe if you asked me what I wanted I could tell you in two seconds. I don't have time to play that Dumb Blonde game. I know what I want and I know what I don't. I did voice my concerns but he would brush them off and not really listen, leaving me feeling unappreciated. Leaving him angry at me and thinking to himself 'I'm so great and I do everything for her and all she does is complain, I WILL NEVER MAKE HER HAPPY' He just didn't get it.

 

Everyone makes assumptions, no one is omniscient. You may not be passing all of the blame, but you're definitely passing a big portion of it. His actions made you feel such and such, you couldn't deal with it and were forced to leave. That's just a generalization of course, but I bet if you remove all the details and excuses, that's pretty much the break down. You can also twist it back onto him as well. He didn't respect your feelings, because he couldn't deal with it and he pushed you away. I believe the truth is right there in the middle somewhere.

 

I listen to people if they can present a logical argument. If that's not the kind of person that you wanted to be with, good for you... I'm sure your ex had similar feelings, that you weren't the right kind of person for him either. It's hard to see because on most other levels you guys got along well. That's life though, perfection is a fool's errand. You have to figure out which battles are worth fighting and how to deal with the bad aspects of things (if you also seek the good aspects).

 

My ex and I had the same problem pretty much, we got along on most other levels fine to great. I learned to deal with her over-sensitivity, she learned to deal with my excessive logic. Everyone gets frustrated though, some just deal with it better than others. She told me that I made her feel bad about herself, yet didn't think I did it on purpose... that's not my problem TBPH, I should be dishonest with people to spare their feelings? As the old saying goes "the truth hurts". Nor did I only criticize her, I pumped her up with support when she needed it. I pointed out her good qualities just as much as I pointed out her flaws. I must not have been that bad if she stayed around for 9 years...

 

To be completely honest, I think my ex used it all as an excuse. She didn't want to leave the hometown, find a new job and/or drive to work everyday. Her best friend is her mother, the only other friends that she had live in different states (all two of them) or were my friends (which don't have anything to do with her any more). That's life though, I'm actually glad she's gone.

 

I am with someone new now and I love how with one look this person understands what I'm feeling and what I want without even using words. I don't have to sit there and find reasons, and facts, and F-ing articles to explain to him. He just knows and he trusts me, and RESPECTS ME. He just understands me. BUT, I admit I'm still not over my ex. I didn't want to really leave him, everything else was great about us but that was a huge bump I just couldn't get over so I had to man up and let him go. I knew that more months of me trying to work things out with him would be fruitless and leaving him was my only option. It's taking a while for me to fully get over it, but I'm sure I will be ok. All in life happens for a reason, at least I think so.

 

I think it's taking a while, because you're starting to realize that no one is perfect. Everything has it's pros and cons. The new guy might be a better fit, in terms of train of thought... yet might not stack up in other departments compared to your ex. You'll eventually get frustrated with this guy's flaws too IMHO. Right now you have doubt, because you know what you want, but it's a myth. You're looking for perfection and it doesn't exist (perfection in your perspective anyways). Sometimes we have to stop the dreams and find contentment.

 

He called over the weekend but I was with my new guy and didn't pick up. No voicemail. A poster made a GREAT point though which is something I believe; Him finding out on his OWN I think will have much of a greater impact on him than if I were to tell him.

 

Possibly. It all depends IMHO. If you get advice from someone that you respect, it can be just as meaningful as learning through trial and error. The question here is whether he respects you or not... I don't respect my ex, but then again she did a lot worse to me than you did to him.

 

Either way, good luck and I hope you find peace in your journey.

[finallyhappyme]

Possibly. It all depends IMHO. If you get advice from someone that you respect, it can be just as meaningful as learning through trial and error. The question here is whether he respects you or not... I don't respect my ex, but then again she did a lot worse to me than you did to him.

 

Either way, good luck and I hope you find peace in your journey.

 

 

Thank you Darkzen for your help. My ex actually just called me at work a few ins ago and told me he still wanted to talk and why was I avoiding his phone calls. He said he wanted to discuss somethings about the break up that he has just come to realize. ( The Irony ) But with your reponses Darkzan I was able to truly explain it to him in a way he understood. Or atleast I think I did, lol i will know later on. I couldn't talk at work so I poured it all in an e-mail. Would post copy but it would take about three pages.

 

I'm sorry for the pain that your ex put you through. I don't know the whole story but from what I'm picking up for your posts I feel your putting all the blame on her. Like my ex; I feel as if your saying well i am smart and I am this way and I was good for the most part but it was her over sensitivity and whatever else she did to you that eventually made the relationship not work. I didn't see you write anything about how your superiority complex 'might' have fueled her to act the way that she did making it your fault too. But I really want to thank you because I did learn a thing or tow from your point of view and for once I viewed my ex in a different light, because I was able to sort of understand where he was coming from. You did help me realize thet he is very much governed by logic as to where I am governed by emotion.

 

He has to understand something in order to feel it; whereas I have to feel something in order to understand it. I was not able to truly grasp that concept until now. And can two people who view life in such different extremes ever be happy together? I don't think they can. Can true Love overcome an obstacle like this? I'm not sure love is enough.

 

EIther way I just wanted to thank you and tell you that your posts helped me very much. I only hope you can truly look at yourself and maybe not put so much blame on your ex.

 

Anyways, after speaking to my ex on the phone and hearing him out I told him I would write it in an e-mail, and hopefully he would really read it and digest what I was saying and not brush it off. It was kind of long and he hates reading but oh well.

 

I will let you guys know how it went and if it was worth 1 hour of me typing it up lol

[finallyhappyme]

His response Genuine or not? What do you guys think? Curious.

 

"

Let me start by saying, I FINALLY understand and I am sorry for everything. You have always been good at writing what you feel and after reading the email I feel that you are right on target with most if not all the things you mentioned. I think that is why I get so angry at you sometimes and its because you can read me like your favorite book and I guess that I became mad with myself for becoming so predictable which is stupid but thats why I hated playing that "What the ****" game. You always got me right but I couldn't always get you right.

 

(Some dumb game we played where you ask a question and you have to predict your SO's answer )

 

Anyways, beyond all that, until now I didn;t realize what I was doing to you and how i was making you feel. The last thing I ever wanted to do was disrespect you. I am truly sorry for that. For the record, I didn't want to put love because love made me think of you and how I couldnt have you. I think that the superiority complex is mostly but not completely true. I have changed a lot from when i was a kid but it is definitely something I still need to work on. Im sorry for making u feel inferior and for ignoring how you felt about things. I thank you for the knowledge because now I know what I must learn and what I need to work on. I understand now why you got so needy, jealous, and kept getting mad at me for things that you never used to get mad about. Believe it or not I always understood why it was so important for me to call you before my meeting. It was just something you wanted that would make you very happy just like theres things that I want without explanation except that it would make me happy. I dont know why I couldnt remember but it would just happen and it hurt that you thought I didnt care because I really do. About the Porn, please dont take it personally because you are BEAUTIFUL babe! I know I have issues with that so please dont ever feel like you are not sexy and gorgeous because i watched porn. Thats the one area where I lack self dicipline and I hope that now thru all this that I can finally learn.

 

(Oh yeah he's addicted to porn too )

 

What I have learned or what I feel were some of the reasons on my part after being apart for a while are the little things like folding my clothes when I do laundry, making me a sandwich or just chillin with me instead of being on the computer. And Im not saying I want someone who does what i say or my own personal maid or something like that. I guess what Im saying is that I always put so much effort into taking care of you when you were sick or in trouble or w/e but I never really felt the same effort towards trying to take care of me. I dont care if you dont have nails just scratch my damn head. Just an example of what I mean. I miss my carinitos.

 

( I didnt have a computer at home so when I went to his house I would be on his computer for about an hour. In this letter is the first time he's told me this. I would have turned it off if it bothered him. As for making him a sandwhich lol he can cook kidding but he didn't tell me this either. I would have done it to make him happy )

 

Please dont take none of this as an attack Im just saying what I feel i know I dont have to worry about that with you but i say it just in case and cuz you asked me what i have realized. I guess with you I felt under scrutiny like I wasnt doing things right. I want you to know that I always thought of you as my equal and Im sorry that I didn't make you feel like it. You have opened my eyes to things about me that I didnt see before or I probably did but was to afraid to confront it. Alot of the things that were making me mad about you, you already mentioned in your email and it made perfect sense how most of those actions were a result of my actions and the state of our relationship but most of those things were what i was feeling so please dont make my mistake and ignore what i felt.

 

( I don't get that part ?? Please don tmake my mistake and ignore what i felt? Huh? If anyone can help me there?? )

 

When you think of me please remember the first year and our last summer because like you I also know how absolutely magical we can be when we are together. Its in our eyes when we look at each other and in our hearts thru our lips when we kiss. They say time heals all so hopefully it applies here as well so that in time we may both learn and heal so that our heart may once again become whole and beat as one. I love you (My name removed for obvious reasons) and no girl could ever replace you.

 

I love You!!

 

( Insert his name here ) "

 

 

yeah so that was it. But let me tell you he has never told me I was right so many times in one paragraph. I'm on a mini-cloud right now. Feels kinda good. Gave him a sh*tload of FACTS and REFERENCES so that he could not flip it on me.

 

Thanks for all your help on LS. This e-mail could have been written very differently had you guys not helped with your input.

 

Thanks again.

[socialight]

yes, absolutely, lay it all out there. If the person doesn't know what they did that was wrong/ bothered you how can they ever get better? it's the best favour you can ever do.

[Darkzen]

I'm sorry for the pain that your ex put you through. I don't know the whole story but from what I'm picking up for your posts I feel your putting all the blame on her. Like my ex; I feel as if your saying well i am smart and I am this way and I was good for the most part but it was her over sensitivity and whatever else she did to you that eventually made the relationship not work. I didn't see you write anything about how your superiority complex 'might' have fueled her to act the way that she did making it your fault too. But I really want to thank you because I did learn a thing or tow from your point of view and for once I viewed my ex in a different light, because I was able to sort of understand where he was coming from. You did help me realize thet he is very much governed by logic as to where I am governed by emotion.

 

I blame my ex for her actions fully, in that regard I have no blame. In terms of the relationship/communication, I take my fair share of the blame without question. So yes, in a way she is receiving more of the blame. I never broke her trust, I never deceived her, I never disrespected her and I never treated her badly (with the intent to). I did make her feel bad at times, but that was a lack of communication on both our parts. I treated her like a bastard when we finally broke up, because of her actions. If the actions weren't part of the equation, I'd have walked away amiably. She disrespected me one too many times and became an enemy in my eyes.

 

So I guess that I'm putting all the blame on her, for the things she did and my bitterness is showing through. Although, as far as the failure of the relationship, I do understand and accept my responsibility for it. I am bitter that I put myself out there for her, time and time again, only to be continually hurt. My bitterness/resentment in turn caused problems in the relationship. I saw her in a negative light and sometimes it got the better of me (especially when I got frustrated). I could argue the "chicken and the egg" concept and make it out to all stem from her... but I should have just gotten out earlier. I was a sucker and for that I take full blame, that doesn't absolve her of the crimes she committed unto me though.

 

As for the e-mail that he wrote you, I'd have to see what you wrote, to form an educated opinion. Because he doesn't seem to have any counter-points, so maybe you cornered him with irrefutable logic... or he could be playing nice, in an attempt to manipulate you.

[finallyhappyme]

I could argue the "chicken and the egg" concept and make it out to all stem from her... but I should have just gotten out earlier. I was a sucker and for that I take full blame, that doesn't absolve her of the crimes she committed unto me though.

 

With this I can completely understand. I am to blame as well in the same way I guess because I always knew what was going on, I knew I didn't like it and I sort of kept waiting around for it to change knowing full well it probably wouldn't. I was a sucker and should have left earlier as well.

 

As for the e-mail that he wrote you, I'd have to see what you wrote, to form an educated opinion. Because he doesn't seem to have any counter-points, so maybe you cornered him with irrefutable logic... or he could be playing nice, in an attempt to manipulate you.

 

It sounds wayyyy too nice actually lol nah But I really did go over EVERYTHING in the e-mail, pretty much leaving nothing for him to argue over except the things I 'didn't know about that he mentioned.

 

Oh Darkzen.. I really do wish you the best of luck and hope that you can shed the bitterness and just learn from it. Just shake it off, keep the lesson, and start brand new again Honestly in the end I think it's about forgiveness.