finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I'm kind of new here and so I wasn't sure if I should post this under dating or breaking up? But either way I have a question. Now that I have broken up with my bf of three years and I have been with my new guy I have come to realize that the original reason I broke up with him is not the real reason why. I thought for sure I was leaving him for one thing, but after comparing I have realized the real reason why. And that reason could be summed up into one word 'CONTEMPT' I realized that he would always put me down and make me feel as if I wasn't good enough. While in the relationship I slowly started to lose myself and I could not figure out why. I was doubting myself not only in life but at work. I stopped wearing sexy clothing, I stopped doing my hair, I stopped thinking I was good enough and I couldn't figure out why until now. His friends and family always complained that since he was young he was a sore loser and thought he was better than everyone. He always had to win and if he didn't it was someone else's fault. And he always had to have the last word. I thought he was not that way with me but I have come to realize I was blind. He was worse with me! He always doubted me. If i told him something he could never take it for what it was and had to cross check what I said with 5 different people and then search it on yahoo. Only to say in the end that I was right 'but' . With him there was always a 'But'. Also he would never really apologize. It was always I'm sorry but you know how I am, or I'm sorry but you made me act that way. Little by little this really turned me off. What sucks was that he was perfect in all other things. I got roses and poems and he treated me very well. Our sex life eventually started to suffer and now I know why. Little by little that part of his personality turned me off and I just couldn't make love to man that thought he was GOD. Anyways, In the end my question is this: He wants to meet up to just talk about things. Talk about the break up and have some closure with us. Should I tell him this? I don't want him to think I'm attacking him and a HUGE part of me thinks that even if i tell him he will brush it off 'because he knows better' so I'm not sure? I just really want him to find happiness in the future and I think telling him would benefit him in his future relationships. Or should I just let it go and let him figure it out on his own?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 You can tell him if it will give you closure, but he won't listen or do anything about it. He will either defend himself against you, or he will be doing so in his head without saying anything. Be careful with this whole 'talk for closure' thing. He is probably hoping to use it as a way to manipulate you in some way - either to lure you out of your relationship, or use the 'talk' as a way to know that he can still exert control over you. Honestly, it probably would be best not to go at all given his nature - but if you feel the need to, do so. Just be on guard.
Author finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 I completey understand what your saying and your 100% right. I know if I were to tell him now, first of all he is still sore about the whole breakup and we are just being 'polite' with eachother at the moment, so anything I say right now will not really register with him. I just figured that if someone were to tell him later on in life he would brush it off, as usual. But maybe, just maybe if I were to tell him now ( even thought he would brush it off and think I was wrong like always) and someone were to confirm it later on in his life he will have an 'aha!' moment. He would know that it's just not me saying it and he will hopefully take a second look?? No?
curiousnycgirl Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 If it will make you better to tell him, by all means do so. However I would not phrase it the way you did in your post. Rather than pointing the finger at him, tell him that it was how the two of you interacted and how those interactions made you feel. Tell him that you had to take ownership and control of your feelings, which you did by breaking up. You can say that his constant doubting you made you feel small and wrong, etc. You are saying the same thing, but not being quite so accusing. And in the end it will show that you clearly were taking the power back. Overall it is clear this guy wasn't right for you. However there is probably a woman out there who would react very differentlyto his behaviours and give him a run for his money. A lid for every pot -you know?
Author finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Curious Yup! I thought the same thing. I figured he will never see it my way because he will probably meet a girl just like him and they could live happily ever after. Who knows. But atleast for me to feel better your right I have to tell him and get it off my chest. Because I can't have him thinking that i broke up with him for the original reason I gave. I need to clear it up for me. What he does with the info is his prob. But Your right again. I will say I needed to take my power back and well phrase it a bit different. Thanks for your help.
Darkzen Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I'd say to tell him only if you can back it up with examples and solid reasoning. I'm like your ex, but I do listen to criticism... as long as it's well thought out and a solid argument. I'm sorry but if you feel a certain way, you should be able to verbalize it and use examples. I'm a wise-ass, blunt and sarcastic... with a bit of a superiority complex (that's based on experience). The vast majority of people I encounter are flat out stupid IMHO and it causes me to not expect much from people. Unfortunately, my personality type doesn't do well when combined with over-sensitive types (like my ex). I either had her laughing the whole time or she took the things I said to heart. For example a few months before we broke up, I had her laughing so hard and for so long that her roommate eventually knocked on her door, telling us to shut up. Yet, she'd also say that I made her feel bad with some of the things I'd say. I guess it was only ok, as long as I didn't spotlight her it seems. She didn't like getting called out on the stupid things she did. I wasn't doing it to make her feel bad, it's just my way of offering insight. I grew up around that type of thing though. You mess up and people make fun of you for it. Nor was it completely one sided, she'd crack jokes at my expense too... you didn't catch me taking it to heart though. You have to be able to laugh at yourself IMHO. I honestly think that she got tired of the imbalance. AKA, I had a lot of ammo and she had very little. It's better off in the long run, I need a girl that can challenge me mentally. Overall, I'd say that you two didn't mesh well. Then again, I don't believe that anyone can put someone else down... it's on how you take it. TBPH, nothing said should bother you unless it's based in truth. If that's the case, maybe he's just being honest to help push you to be better (that's how men learn encouragement btw). Instead of realizing this, you probably took it personally and beat yourself up.
tasha_982 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I would tell him. If it will make you feel better do it. Phrase it a little bit differntly though. Try by saying how wonderfull it is not to doubt yourself all the time, and how great it is to have someone supprortive, and then say ... that it something you and I never had. Hope it helps.
Author finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Your right you do sound like him.
Author finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 I'd say to tell him only if you can back it up with examples and solid reasoning. I'm like your ex, but I do listen to criticism... as long as it's well thought out and a solid argument. I'm sorry but if you feel a certain way, you should be able to verbalize it and use examples. I'm a wise-ass, blunt and sarcastic... with a bit of a superiority complex (that's based on experience). The vast majority of people I encounter are flat out stupid IMHO and it causes me to not expect much from people. Unfortunately, my personality type doesn't do well when combined with over-sensitive types (like my ex). I either had her laughing the whole time or she took the things I said to heart. For example a few months before we broke up, I had her laughing so hard and for so long that her roommate eventually knocked on her door, telling us to shut up. Yet, she'd also say that I made her feel bad with some of the things I'd say. I guess it was only ok, as long as I didn't spotlight her it seems. She didn't like getting called out on the stupid things she did. I wasn't doing it to make her feel bad, it's just my way of offering insight. I grew up around that type of thing though. You mess up and people make fun of you for it. Nor was it completely one sided, she'd crack jokes at my expense too... you didn't catch me taking it to heart though. You have to be able to laugh at yourself IMHO. I honestly think that she got tired of the imbalance. AKA, I had a lot of ammo and she had very little. It's better off in the long run, I need a girl that can challenge me mentally. Overall, I'd say that you two didn't mesh well. Then again, I don't believe that anyone can put someone else down... it's on how you take it. TBPH, nothing said should bother you unless it's based in truth. If that's the case, maybe he's just being honest to help push you to be better (that's how men learn encouragement btw). Instead of realizing this, you probably took it personally and beat yourself up. Its funny how you really do sound like him. He had a problem with 'ASSUMING' things without knowing all the details or not caring for them. Your already asuming I don't have a strong argument, that I need examples, and you apologized saying "im sorry but if you feel a certain way you should be able to verbalize' Sorry for what exactly? I see what your saying though and thats the problem he and I had. He was 100 % correct in his mind and I 100% correct in mine. And IF he views me as you view your ex..then there is no point in talking to him.
sao2 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I vote no. My philosophy is that lessons should be taught only if you two are still trying. If you are not still trying to be together then it does no good. He will not listen and it will just make both of you angry. Believe I learned my lesson, that is, never try and teach an ex a lesson. Let them be an ex and let them be blissfully happy. Just as you have he might find someone who is looking for someone like him.
Darkzen Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Its funny how you really do sound like him. He had a problem with 'ASSUMING' things without knowing all the details or not caring for them. Your already asuming I don't have a strong argument, that I need examples, and you apologized saying "im sorry but if you feel a certain way you should be able to verbalize' Sorry for what exactly? I see what your saying though and thats the problem he and I had. He was 100 % correct in his mind and I 100% correct in mine. And IF he views me as you view your ex..then there is no point in talking to him. I didn't assume that you don't have a strong argument, merely suggesting that you should have one laid out before confronting him. As for saying I'm sorry, it's a figure of speech... as in I don't think it's ok, if you're not able to verbalize thoughts in a coherent and logical way. As for my point, yes there can't be communication if both sides believe they know it all. Which is why, I suggested you corner him with logic and reasoning. It's the only way I take anyone seriously TBPH and he's similar to me from your description IMHO. My problem was that my ex couldn't come at me with logic and reasoning, she would talk about feelings... if I feel something, I take a deep long look at why I'm feeling that way. Not just say "I feel <insert emotion>", problems will never get solved that way. It's the basis of all problem solving.
Author finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 I didn't assume that you don't have a strong argument, merely suggesting that you should have one laid out before confronting him. As for saying I'm sorry, it's a figure of speech... as in I don't think it's ok, if you're not able to verbalize thoughts in a coherent and logical way. As for my point, yes there can't be communication if both sides believe they know it all. Which is why, I suggested you corner him with logic and reasoning. It's the only way I take anyone seriously TBPH and he's similar to me from your description IMHO. My problem was that my ex couldn't come at me with logic and reasoning, she would talk about feelings... if I feel something, I take a deep long look at why I'm feeling that way. Not just say "I feel <insert emotion>", problems will never get solved that way. It's the basis of all problem solving. Your absolutely right. I would ALWAYS tell him I just 'FEEL' it and he could never understand because I couldn't explain it. It's why we always bumped heads. But sometimes you can't explain a feeling IMHO sometimes it just is what it is. He would sit there for hours trying to analyze and understand when I just 'felt' it and because I could not come to him with the 'whys' and 'hows' he would brush me off as if I had no clue what I was talking about. To me somethings just are. You can't explain it. You learn it from experience and I just felt since he hasn't been through half of the things I have been through he could not understand what I would refer to. Just like when a person is going through something and you can see the solution because your not in it and or you've already gone through it. No matter how many times you try to explain to that person they won't understand. The only way for them to understand is to go through it and figure it out on their own. I always felt that happened with us. I was his first girlfriend and so I feel that he doesn't understand a lot of things about relationships and I couldn't be the teacher anymore because it was hurting me. I figured the best thing to do was let him go. Hoping after a couple relationships he would realize that half the stuff we would argue about are not just 'my' things. It's a relationship thing and in order to make one work you have to be open minded, patient, and willing to compromise. But you would not understand that in your first relationship. Either way I'm starting to think talking to him is not such a good idea and I'm back to hoping he will eventually just 'get it' one day.
cj1988 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 OMG, sounds JUST like my H. He is known to be a know it all, my family and best friend hate to have a lengthy conversation with me as well as his own son HATES to talk to him at all now. He is aleays right, you are always wrong and his bad behavior and choices are because of something I did to him, pushed blame like hell......I am not seeing what everyone has seen for years and ask me how I can stand living with him.....I will not for long As fas as telling him, your EX about all this do not bother, he will not care and think you do not know what you are talking about and will blow it off in his own head. Not worth the breath or energy baby !
Author finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 OMG, sounds JUST like my H. He is known to be a know it all, my family and best friend hate to have a lengthy conversation with me as well as his own son HATES to talk to him at all now. He is aleays right, you are always wrong and his bad behavior and choices are because of something I did to him, pushed blame like hell......I am not seeing what everyone has seen for years and ask me how I can stand living with him.....I will not for long As fas as telling him, your EX about all this do not bother, he will not care and think you do not know what you are talking about and will blow it off in his own head. Not worth the breath or energy baby ! YES!!! See if it was only myself who thought this way about him..But EVERYONE~~ My family told me when they first met him that he was this way but I ignored it. Saying they don't really 'know' him so they can't tell. YEAH right! His family, his friends, his schoolmates, his co-workers. They nicknamed him 'GOD' lol I'm seriously thinking it would be a waste of time. If anything I would do it to make myself feel better knowing full well it will have no affect on him. Thanks for sharing!
brothermartin Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Most reasonably intelligent people already know their faults, to some degree. Pointing them out would be like rubbing salt in a wound. It accomplishes nothing accept maybe making you feel better about your decision to leave, if you left. But, (sorry) since this guy dosent sound reasonable or intelligent, why waste your time with it?
Author finallyhappyme Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Most reasonably intelligent people already know their faults, to some degree. Pointing them out would be like rubbing salt in a wound. It accomplishes nothing accept maybe making you feel better about your decision to leave, if you left. But, (sorry) since this guy dosent sound reasonable or intelligent, why waste your time with it? That's exactly what I'm now asking myself lol ?? It just fustrates me that he will go on living clueless thinking I left him for no reason. Because thats what he thinks lol I guess I have to let it go.
Spinderella Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I really think alot of people that pass blame, do so because they feel bad about themselves and cant face it, or feel overly responsible for things so pass blame onto others. If thats the case with him, then it might be counter-productive to point it out.
Darkzen Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Your absolutely right. I would ALWAYS tell him I just 'FEEL' it and he could never understand because I couldn't explain it. It's why we always bumped heads. But sometimes you can't explain a feeling IMHO sometimes it just is what it is. He would sit there for hours trying to analyze and understand when I just 'felt' it and because I could not come to him with the 'whys' and 'hows' he would brush me off as if I had no clue what I was talking about. To me somethings just are. You can't explain it. You learn it from experience and I just felt since he hasn't been through half of the things I have been through he could not understand what I would refer to. Just like when a person is going through something and you can see the solution because your not in it and or you've already gone through it. No matter how many times you try to explain to that person they won't understand. The only way for them to understand is to go through it and figure it out on their own. I always felt that happened with us. I was his first girlfriend and so I feel that he doesn't understand a lot of things about relationships and I couldn't be the teacher anymore because it was hurting me. I figured the best thing to do was let him go. Hoping after a couple relationships he would realize that half the stuff we would argue about are not just 'my' things. It's a relationship thing and in order to make one work you have to be open minded, patient, and willing to compromise. But you would not understand that in your first relationship. Either way I'm starting to think talking to him is not such a good idea and I'm back to hoping he will eventually just 'get it' one day. So you're trying to say that we all haven't felt emotions before or feelings? I know what hate feels like, I know what love feels like, I know what apathy feels like, etc... yet I can also look inside myself and figure out why I feel these things, then explain it intelligently. I think the line of reasoning you're using is a bit of a cop-out, am I some sort of advanced being? The capability is there, it's possible to do, what holds you back? A relationship isn't supposed to be a guessing game, men aren't mind-readers. We need to know what's going on in your head, we expect you to speak up. Nothing pisses me off more than when you ask a girl if she wants something, she tells you no, then get an attitude because you didn't get it for her. As for perspective equating to understanding... I agree 110%. The problem is that in your example, we've all had a multitude of feelings... we all know what "such and such" feels like. I don't think we're that different in a basic sense TBH, although we've been conditioned in two totally different ways. This creates that huge gap between our way of thinking. Men generally have to "suck it up", this leads to a less emotional outlook. Meanwhile, women are encouraged to display emotion, this leads to a more emotional outlook. People don't "get it", until they're forced to make the effort. It might happen down the road for your ex, it may not. My question is... why does he have to change if you don't? I believe that you're both at fault in the failure of the relationship TBPH. Communication is a two way street, "I feel" isn't a good enough effort. It's something a child would say IMO. You're an adult, time to act like it. I'm not saying this to take a shot at you either, I'm trying to offer some advice. It's easy to blame others, it's hard to accept the blame yourself. I could've blamed my ex for everything, she really did a number on me over the course of 9 years... but you know what, I take full responsibility for putting myself into a bad situation... yet that doesn't absolve her of any wrong doing. Trust me, I'd love to blame her fully for everything and some people would even feel it's justified. Although, how can I grow if I did nothing wrong?
oppath Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I think I can sum up the reasons for your breakup: your feelings for him had changed because you weren't right for each other for a longer commitment. The reasons you identify are partially excuses, and in 6 months time, you will likely identify different reasons. The time for airing grievances has passed. You are with someone new, right?
marlena Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 You are with someone new, right? From where I see things, it sounds like you are not at all over your ex. For some odd reason (well, not really that odd), he holds some kind of morbid fascination for you. He has convinced you with his superior know it all attitude that he is indeed of a rare and superior intelligence. That in itself is cretinous. These types are at the start rather stimulating but soon any person with an ounce of grey matter in their heads tires easily with their grandiose feelings and finds them simply BORING! A quote from Socrates: One thing I know is that I know nothing!!! Why do you care? Aren't you content with your new relationship? Personally, no, I would not meet him or engage in any conversation with someone who is simply so ignorant as to think he is intelligent!
GuerreroAzteca Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I'm in a very similar situation and came to that conclusion myself without HER telling me. Although she ultimately left me, she too had many faults more so than me. Ok so i thought i was better than her. One issue. One issue is easier to fix than 5 or more which was her case. Had there been a clear solid communication link between us, had she been able to interpret her feelings into thoughts and words, my one issue would not and is no longer a problem but then there was her issues to deal with anyway. The only real path is to just move on and do it right with someone new, someone whom has the ability to communicate clearly. In your case just let it go, if he is smart he will realize it like i did.
GuerreroAzteca Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 notice the contempt in that post! LOL at least I know now! hahahah
oppath Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 It takes two people to breakup, both people have faults. Telling someone his or hers isn't really appropriate, unless you are standing up for yourself and what you feel was disrespectful or dishonest treatment, doesn't serve much purpose. Even with problems communicating, both people usually have a roll in that, not just one. Telling someone their faults is basically projecting all the problems in the relationship onto them. Often the only problem was: you just weren't right for each other for a longer relationship, yet you stayed in it!!! Then it becomes all their fault .
Darkzen Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 From where I see things, it sounds like you are not at all over your ex. For some odd reason (well, not really that odd), he holds some kind of morbid fascination for you. He has convinced you with his superior know it all attitude that he is indeed of a rare and superior intelligence. That in itself is cretinous. These types are at the start rather stimulating but soon any person with an ounce of grey matter in their heads tires easily with their grandiose feelings and finds them simply BORING! A quote from Socrates: One thing I know is that I know nothing!!! Why do you care? Aren't you content with your new relationship? Personally, no, I would not meet him or engage in any conversation with someone who is simply so ignorant as to think he is intelligent! Welcome Marlena, glad to see you weigh-in on things, in your usual hypocritical way. So when you tear others down, is it not you trying to prove your superiority complex? You curse him for feeling superior, yet in the same breath, your actions do the same thing that you're speaking out against. The Socrates quote really takes the cake though. You seem to act like you know everything. A real philosopher/thinker would attempt to find out as much about the situation before weighing-in... you just run around and impose your ideals/beliefs on anyone that differs from you. So you're ignorant if you believe that you're intelligent, are you serious? Don't you consider yourself intelligent? I'm pretty sure in other posts you've said it or eluded to it. What's amusing is that you seem to fall right into the same personality category as me and her ex. I'll send out the "superiority complex" decoder ring to you asap.
Darkzen Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I think I can sum up the reasons for your breakup: your feelings for him had changed because you weren't right for each other for a longer commitment. The reasons you identify are partially excuses, and in 6 months time, you will likely identify different reasons. The time for airing grievances has passed. You are with someone new, right? I'd have to agree with this for the most part. Although, I believe that sometimes you need to get things off your chest to feel closure. To eradicate all doubt and hope. Otherwise, yeah the real reasons for ending the relationship are rarely fully realized... because it's easier to just blame the other person.
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