lexi29 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 So I have no idea what to do. Ex (together 3 yrs) left me 3 weeks ago. We were in no contact for over a week (he called a week ago and told me he was thinking about me a lot lately. Well it was over a week and he called me last night (I was doing pretty good with no contact- still missed him but the dreams were stopping and I wasnt crying every day) He called last night and told me he found my picture the other night (he tried to give it back to me as he left it with my stuff but I stuck it back in the album) and couldn't stop looking at it and he missed me and wanted to see me. He said he thought he made a mistake and he that he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with his current girlfriend. He says she's not what he expected. That she's not the way she used to be. Said he had sex with her once and she wants it every night and he keeps coming up with excuses not to. He said he misses what we used to do (in bed). Said he's been watching a lot of porn when she's not around. Said she is nice and all but just not what he wants. Said she is going thru problems with her daughter's dad and buys her ex milk and food for her daughter, gives him gas money etc but at the same time is worried her ex will take her to court and get full custody? He said she isn't good with his son and that his son misses me too. He said he wanted to see me for a few hours sometime (public place) and I told him ok but make sure it is ok with her. I figured everything was fine with her (he called me when she went out to go buy him dinner) and that he was just calling to see if I still had any feelings for him as an ego booster or something. At the end of the call he said "miss you" which is what we always used to say at the end of a phone call instead of "I love you". I told him I missed him too. But I did NOT say anything about getting back with him. When I got off the phone I cried. It was a happy/sad cry if that makes sense. Happy that he misses me, that he thinks of me, that he didnt' forget about the last 3 years,, happy that his new woman didn't live up to his expectations- gee he's tired of her after only 3 weeks!! haha to her. but sad that he put me thru all this pain and anguish and threw our 3 year relationship away like garbage for someone who can't even hold his interest for 3 weeks!! I mean when you are in a brand new relationship AT LEAST the first 3-5 months is the honeymoon period where its exciting, you can't keep your hands off eachother, you constantly want to see eachother, you have so much to talk about as you are getting to know one another etc, and it seems he just picked up with her where he left off with me and it got old quickly. Well this morning I get this angry voicemail from his girlfriend at 5am!! Said why couldn't I leave him and his son alone!!! And was her yelling at me. Well found out he broke up with her this morning. Told her it was because of problems with her daughter's dad and just wasn't into her. She found out I talked to him last night but I think he told her that I called him when it was the other way around. I guess he'd told her he wanted nothing to do with me etc. and she thought I was calling him begging him back and he listened. I told her we are not back together so I wasn't the cause of the break up. She said some things that pissed me off so I told her all the hurtful things he said about her. She pissed me off because she expects me to just forget about him and his son. Act like they never existed. So SHE can be happy. Sorry but she's the back stabbing b*tch (thought she was a friend) who was talking to him while he was wtih me and started dating him two days after he left me (she was the reason he left me) and she wants me to do her a favor? I called my ex this morning and asked why his girlfriend left me threatening mesages (before I talked to her) and he told me he left her. and she thinks its about me but its not. He invited me to go trick or treating with him and his son next week. Its what I thought I wanted. But now I'm not sure. I'm scared I"ll get my hopes up adn he'll go back to her. Or that I actually will get back with him and now I can't trust him at all and I've seen he's not the person I thought he was. What should I do????
baby-boo Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 If you're strong enough, walk away from him. he seems very confused atm, and i think you need to go NC till he sorts his feelings out, otherwise it will mess you up as well.
tasha_982 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Lexi, he shouldn't get all that he wants. If he wants you back, make him cross hell and earth to get to you again. Obviously you still love him, but keep in mind that the same thing might happen again. If he does not sort out his feeling, you will be heartbroken all over again. Try being friendly kind of supportive, but if you think you wont be able to do that (meaning you would get back together right away) go NC all the way for a while. See what that does to you, and while you are at NC do some soul searching, try to figure out what it is that you want. I hope it works out for you.... Best of luck!
Author lexi29 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 He wants to see me tonight. Just to talk- meet somewhere in public not his place. His son is at his mom's this weekend so he's not in the mix. There is NO chance of us having sex so thats not an issue either. I really want to see him but not sure-in fact its probably a very BAD idea. He just broke up with the girl he left me for this morning. I don't know what their situation is but she is very upset with me. Thinks I'm the reason he left her. (he called me and told me he missed me) I want to make him work at getting me back (if thats what I decide I want) but i"m kind of curious just to see him. Maybe I'll meet up with him and there will be NO feelings there or I'll look at him like eww I don't want him anymore. Is it a horrible idea to see him once this weekend?
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Yikes!! Be careful what you wish for huh? If you definately want to see him maybe just push the mtg. a little bit. Maybe next week? He is rushing back to you after HE left. Not ok. He has some work to do and if he cares, he will do it. And he will understand that you might need a little time.. or a slower pace. I know I would probably want to run right out and see him but if you can be strong. Take the weekend to think about what YOU want. Hang in there!!
norajane Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 So, basically, he was into her until they had sex, and then he found out sex with her wasn't that great, so he dumped her AFTER he talked to you and found out whether you'd give him an opening to come back to your bed. I'm sorry...to me, it sounds like he's just going where the sex is good. I'm sure he does miss you, but he's been an ass to both you and her, and that does not speak so well of his character. Remember how he dumped you? Do you really want to get involved with a guy who can dump you so easily? You really want to be his back-up now?
Author lexi29 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 So, basically, he was into her until they had sex, and then he found out sex with her wasn't that great, so he dumped her AFTER he talked to you and found out whether you'd give him an opening to come back to your bed. You may be right but actually they had sex along time ago (she was his ex from when he was 15-had sex then and I think they got together for a very short time when he was 18 as well) so he'd already been with her. We've been broken up for 3 weeks almost 4, and he's been dating her about 3 weeks. so I'm sure they had sex before the last few days. And I didn't invite him back. I just told him I missed him because it;s the truth. So he knew what he was getting into with her. I think it was a case of the grass is always greener on the other side and he thought for some reason that life would be so much better with her (it wasn't that bad with me) and she didn't live up to his expectations. They have a lot in common (more than him and I) as they both have kids and she is going thru a custody situation that is very similiar to what he went thru about five years ago. Plus she was willing to spend more time with him than I used to. And he COULD do the exact same thing to me- I mean he's been spending all this time with her and hasn't had any contact wtih me, so maybe I"M now the "other side" where the grass is greener because he hasn't seen me and has to put up with HER every day and obviously he isn't feeling her. I mean what guy actually turns down sex? And I know he was tellign me the truth because when his girlfriend called me this morning she thought I was the one who called him and that I begged him or something to come back to me (NOT AT ALL!!) and she didn't believe that he would actually even want to speak to me. she kept saying hurtful things so I lashed out at her and told her well he's not even interested in sleeping with you! and told her how he said she kept trying to interest him every night and he's been giving her excuses and turning her down. She got really quiet and started crying and then started yelling at me some more but she didn't deny it and if it weren't true I know the first thing a woman would do is rub it in my face and tell me sorry, but we have sex every night so he's lying to you about that. But she started crying so I think I hit a nerve. I used to feel sorry for her but she's the one who pretended to be my friend so she could get closer to him then she thinks the 2nd he starts dating her I'm supposed to pretend him and his son fell off the face of the earth and never speak to him again and she expects him to get rid of all reminders of me and both him and his son to just banish me from their lives. And she expected me to listen to her about never speaking to him. she expected if he called me (which she swore up adn down he wouldnt') that I'm supposed to hang up on him. Ok sure its ok for her to step in and agree to date him after he just left me and she sees nothing wrong with this (fine, she doesn't owe me anything and he is at fault here too) BUT she expects me to back off (and not have any contact with his son) as a favor to HER. I dont' even know why I"m getting mad about this- but her whole attitude this morning was infuriating!! they are broken up now so it doesnt' matter. But yes, I know I have to be very cautious with him and consider if I want to go thru this again.
tasha_982 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Lexi I'm kind of wondering if you really want to go through this again... Go back to your earlier posts... think how hurt you were, and KNOW you are giving him a chance to the same thing all over again... "so maybe I"M now the other side" ... this is not a maybe; this is a fact, and as soon as you are back with him someone else will be on the other side and then what? Lexi my honest advice, an advice I would give to my sister, is don't go out with him now, tell him you will think about it, and then let him boil a bit. I understand you need to see him, but wait and give yourself time, don't rush into anything. You be the one who is running the show. You be in control, don't jump because he says so. God, I hope my advice wont hurt you... It is ment in the best intention. Best wishes
Author lexi29 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Hi thank you all for your advice, wish I had read some of it on friday before I left work... I saw my ex on friday night. Met and talked for 2-3 hours. first just talked about what I'd been up to and stuff like that. safe topics. Then we got into what went wrong with us and why he left HER (I asked). He cried, I cried, we talked about how badly he hurt me (thats when he started crying) and that its going to take a lot for me to trust him again. He said we can take it very slow if I need to. He told me a lot of things that were good to hear. I think he was being honest. He said he realized how important I am to him and how big of a part I am in his life. That even when he was with someone new (HER) he couldn't stop thinking about, couldn't stop comparing her to me. That he took me for granted before and didn't realize how good he had it. He let little things bother him (me not spending enough time with him) and he thought things would be better with her. He said he understands if I never want to date him again and he will give me time to think about it. Thats he's not going anywhere. I didn't let him touch me when I was there, not even a hug goodbye. On saturday we went to a sporting event- he called and I wasn't busy and it was something he knew I wanted to go to) It was nice. Just went as friends and had a fun time. At the end of the night I let him hug me and he held on for 5 minutes straight and just told me how much he'd missed me and that it felt good to hold me. I'm going to see his son today (just the two of us) cause I talked to him last night and he was so excited to talk to me! I don't plan on talking to my ex or seeing him again until maybe saturday or so. Then maybe we'll talk more about the situation. Part of me really wants him back. but I want him to prove to me that he's not going to hurt me again. I'm very cautious about this whole situation. What should I do?
Sweetcheripie Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hey Lexi - What would you advise your daughter if you had one? What would you tell your best friend to do?? From my perspective, I would say stay far far away. I know that it is so seductive when someone who has hurt you apologizes and wants you back. They say the things you really want to hear and your heart melts. You have spent weeks sad and lonely and you are very vulnerable. Really, getting back with him is the lazy way out. He is familiar. But he wasn't good to you. It is a lot of work to find someone else, have to kiss a lot of frogs etc. but if you get back together with him I feel you will just be wasting time until the next break up. Obviously, only YOU really know. YOU are the one in the middle of the situation and if you think he will be good to you and is worth it then, yes, give him another chance. But from an outside perspective and the information you have posted here, you would be a fool to get back together with him and open up that can of worms again.
Author lexi29 Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 I am so torn, I mean I still care about him and his son and after the agony of the last 3 weeks-not being able to sleep or eat, crying non stop the first week, to just slightly starting to accept that it was over and he was never coming back, this last week. Its been hell and I'm sure everyone on here knows what that feels like. and now I have the chance to make all that go away, I have him on his knees begging me to give him another chance. He got rid of HER and he wants me back. Its just unbelievable because I honestly didn't think it would happen. It would be awesome to just pick up where we left off, with him trying to make this up to me. It would take all the pain away. But at the same time I just don't know if I can do it- I mean I loved him so much and he just tossed me aside for someone new. And yes he realized that she wasn't what he expected and couldn't stop missing me, which makes me feel good but the fact that he threw me away so easily to try it out with someone else just worries me, I mean maybe now he's learned his lesson and realizes how much he really does want me in his life. I mean he spent over half of his relationship with HER telling her how he couldn't just erase me from his mind, that I was important to him. Who does that in a new relationship? He left her even though she begged him to stay and he didnt' leave her because I agreed to get back with him. I haven't agreed and we didnt' even talk about it before he left her. It feels like it would be a fresh start if we got back together. Like everything would be good again. But at the same time I'm afraid. I don't want to get hurt again. I look at all the things I wrote- my list of things I didnt' like about him, and yes I was angry when I said some of the things but doesnt' mean they aren't true. I'm not excusing his behavior (leaving me for his ex) but I was in a similair situation a few years ago. Was engaged and with a guy for four years and my ex from high school (I was 22 at the time) contacted me and told me he'd ended things with his girlfriend (we'd been friends since we broke up at age 16) He was one of my first loves and when we dated (only three months) everything was perfect. When he called me (at age 22) I was pretty happy with my current fiance but we had our problems) when my ex called we spent two weeks reminicising about the past and how much fun we had. We developed an emotional connection again and if he would have asked me to leave my fiance and be with him I would have done it without much hesitation. NO idea why except that talking to him again and thinking about our past (when I was 16) just made me fall for him all over again. Would have been a VERY bad idea as we'd both changed a lot since then but I seriously would have left my fiance to see if it would have worked out with my ex. I didn't and my fiance and I later broke up for different reasons (about a year later) but I was willing to throw it all away for a chance with my ex. It still doesnt' make any sense to me but I've been there. However I was 22 and not 30 as my ex is now. So maybe this is just karma. I dont' know. Just so confused..
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