Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Yes, we all heal at a different pace and in a different way... and yes, I agree, things like this shake you to the core..you are never the same.. I am so much more careful with my heart now.. I never, ever want to walk that road again. I think I will be like that - I wont give my love so quickly next time. I wont give myself so fast. I'll keep it for me, untill I know what I'm dealing with. I dont EVER want to hurt like this EVER again.
overandout Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 thanks. For some reason I am under the impression that things are good with them. It was the way he said "we are giving it a go", and "yes" when I asked him if he loved her. I cant get a rosey picture of their marriage out of my head! For all the reasons you have stated I wont text anyone. The last thing I want to do is look even more of I mug then I already do to him. But I do find it hard to think that he dosent give a monkeys what I think of him, or how I feel. As for his wife - she dosent know the truth, because I lied to her. She dosent think aything happened. Unless he came clean? it is tempting to tell her the truth - but whats the point. I had my chance and blew it in the hope that he would come back to me. MUG. I will do everything I can to keep busy - but it wont make too much difference. The anger and hurt wont go away. I just want it to go away!!! I am so envious of his wife its unture! WHy I am makes no sense - he has treated her badly, but he loves HER and wants to be with HER. Imstunned I am sorry that you are hurting so much and glad that you aren't going to text or contact his wife. No good will come out of it and it just prolongs your involvement in his world. I am sure that you will feel worse. He has told you he loves her and he doesn't have to say it because the fact that he wants her in his life, goes home to her, should show you that he does have feelings for her. There are OW on here who have gone on to marry their mm and it is those mm who truly love the OW. You know and I know, if they wanted out of their marriage they would do it. That is what happens, people get divorced (I know it can be messy) but if they want to be with the other person they will do it. Actions speak louder than words. Anything else is just an excuse not to do it. Hopefully, when your anger has subsided and you accept that there is nothing you can do about it, you will move on. Do you really want him in your life anyway, he hasn't treated you well throughout from what I can gather. Good luck and I hope your pain soon eases.
serial muse Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 thanks. For some reason I am under the impression that things are good with them. It was the way he said "we are giving it a go", and "yes" when I asked him if he loved her. I cant get a rosey picture of their marriage out of my head! I am so envious of his wife its unture! WHy I am makes no sense - he has treated her badly, but he loves HER and wants to be with HER. stunned, frannie and marlena have already been saying this, but I think it bears repeating. I'm coming from the BS side, and I can tell you that I do not think this man is capable of loving either his wife OR you in a way that either of you would truly wish. Please don't envy her - she may not know, right now, what he is or what he's done. But she now has an inkling of the tip of the iceberg. And truly, it's just not conceivable to me that someone who has lied SO extensively, so thoroughly, to both of you will EVER be happy with the real world. His marriage, I can assure you, will not be a rosy picture. I know how much it hurts to feel like he chose her over you. But that's just not the way to look at it. Fact is, deep, deep down he knows just how awful he's been to both of you. He can't face it - all he can do is scramble to "fix" it. And that is what he's doing - by "making a go" of it he means trying to pretend he never did all the things he did, told all the lies he told. It's not about rediscovering love for her, poor woman. It's about eliminating the guilt for him. He thinks that by cutting you loose he can become a stand-up guy. Of course, he can't. He isn't. And when the immediate crisis mode passes, and she stops worrying so much and monitoring his movements, and he starts to look around himself and realize that he's not a mountain climber or a rock star, the lies will start again. He needs the thrill, and he needs to think he's someone he's not. Right now, he's consumed with the idea of calming everybody down, of not seeing himself as the Bad Guy, of repairing his self-image. But when the calm comes, believe me, he'll be consumed with the need to stir things up again. That's what you can expect from this person - a rollercoaster. He will NEVER be satisfied with real life. It may be that he "loves" her - some people conceive of love as wanting what another person can give them. That's narcissism - it's all about him. Right now, she can give him something you can't: trust. She can believe that he's not a liar, that he's fundamentally good and kind. You can't; even if you do "want him back" through all the pain, the fact is that you still know things he'd rather you didn't know. He can't deceive you thoroughly anymore, and that makes you more expendable than she is. But, sweetie, that's not a reason to envy her, is it? It's a reason to feel deeply grateful that you're not in her shoes. Poor thing; no one deserves that kind of treatment. I'm so sorry for you both - but please do know that you'll recover from this, sooner than she will. And you'll go on to find someone much more worthwhile.
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 he doesn't have to say it because the fact that he wants her in his life, goes home to her, should show you that he does have feelings for her. . Thank you for your post - clearl he wants her in his life - she was there all along I just didnt know it. But it seemed that he wanted me in his life too - he kept comming back to me. He has also said that he dosent love he wife. What kind of love is it when you are having an affair? I wish I'd never laid eyes on him. I cant quite believe what he has done to me.
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 stunned, frannie and marlena have already been saying this, but I think it bears repeating. I'm coming from the BS side, and I can tell you that I do not think this man is capable of loving either his wife OR you in a way that either of you would truly wish. Please don't envy her - she may not know, right now, what he is or what he's done. But she now has an inkling of the tip of the iceberg. And truly, it's just not conceivable to me that someone who has lied SO extensively, so thoroughly, to both of you will EVER be happy with the real world. His marriage, I can assure you, will not be a rosy picture. I know how much it hurts to feel like he chose her over you. But that's just not the way to look at it. Fact is, deep, deep down he knows just how awful he's been to both of you. He can't face it - all he can do is scramble to "fix" it. And that is what he's doing - by "making a go" of it he means trying to pretend he never did all the things he did, told all the lies he told. It's not about rediscovering love for her, poor woman. It's about eliminating the guilt for him. He thinks that by cutting you loose he can become a stand-up guy. Of course, he can't. He isn't. And when the immediate crisis mode passes, and she stops worrying so much and monitoring his movements, and he starts to look around himself and realize that he's not a mountain climber or a rock star, the lies will start again. He needs the thrill, and he needs to think he's someone he's not. Right now, he's consumed with the idea of calming everybody down, of not seeing himself as the Bad Guy, of repairing his self-image. But when the calm comes, believe me, he'll be consumed with the need to stir things up again. That's what you can expect from this person - a rollercoaster. He will NEVER be satisfied with real life. It may be that he "loves" her - some people conceive of love as wanting what another person can give them. That's narcissism - it's all about him. Right now, she can give him something you can't: trust. She can believe that he's not a liar, that he's fundamentally good and kind. You can't; even if you do "want him back" through all the pain, the fact is that you still know things he'd rather you didn't know. He can't deceive you thoroughly anymore, and that makes you more expendable than she is. But, sweetie, that's not a reason to envy her, is it? It's a reason to feel deeply grateful that you're not in her shoes. Poor thing; no one deserves that kind of treatment. I'm so sorry for you both - but please do know that you'll recover from this, sooner than she will. And you'll go on to find someone much more worthwhile. My little one is havign a nap = and I'm jsut about to follow him, but I just wanted to say - that i value each and every post on here - but that this one is getting printed off - several copies - and they are going up on my Wall ALL OVER THE HOUSE. Its a way of thinking of things that - if I can think that way - will help me through. Thank you
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 It may be that he "loves" her - some people conceive of love as wanting what another person can give them. That's narcissism - it's all about him. Right now, she can give him something you can't: trust. She can believe that he's not a liar, that he's fundamentally good and kind. You can't; even if you do "want him back" through all the pain, the fact is that you still know things he'd rather you didn't know. He can't deceive you thoroughly anymore, and that makes you more expendable than she is. But, sweetie, that's not a reason to envy her, is it? It's a reason to feel deeply grateful that you're not in her shoes. wow... SM that is extremely well stated and gets to the heart of the matter. It is indeed not about 'love' as we understand it... but all about maintaining self-image through the eyes of others. imstunned, unfortunately (for him) you are no longer that naive person he was able to lie to... and you can no longer reflect back the image of himself he would like to think himself as being... That's it, in essence.
marlena Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Of course, he can't. He isn't. And when the immediate crisis mode passes, and she stops worrying so much and monitoring his movements, and he starts to look around himself and realize that he's not a mountain climber or a rock star, the lies will start again. He needs the thrill, and he needs to think he's someone he's not. Exactly. He will target more people as soon as the current crisis is over. I once told my ex who is so like the man Stun is describing, "If I could warn other women about you , I would do it." He hated that. He hated the fact that he could not deceive me anymore. Stun, I am so glad to hear you have a little precious munchkin sleeping somewhere in the house. You have the greatest gift of all. Give him and YOU the peace you both need and deserve.
Author imstunned Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Hello. The weekend has been horrible. Yesterday I almost fell out with a friend as they got angry with me as I am so hurt. This morning I got a text at the time when NOBODY usually tests me but him. I stopped dead in my tracks. It wasnt him. Of course it wasnt him. Then came tears as though I'd never realsied he wont be getting back to me. WHen I am going to get it into my thick head he ISNT COMMING BACK????
forbidden fruit Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hello. The weekend has been horrible. Yesterday I almost fell out with a friend as they got angry with me as I am so hurt. This morning I got a text at the time when NOBODY usually tests me but him. I stopped dead in my tracks. It wasnt him. Of course it wasnt him. Then came tears as though I'd never realsied he wont be getting back to me. WHen I am going to get it into my thick head he ISNT COMMING BACK???? I have been following your thread and it is a mirror of what I have been going through. My xmm is a complete narcissist and trust me these guys do not care about you, their wife or for that matter anything like you and I would. As stated by others and this is very important in your recovery, (which I know is a uphill battle everyday) is they ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES. It is nothing you did or did not do. I was a self confident, beautiful, smart, caring person before I met xmm and he took me and i allowed myself to go down to his ugly level. This is where they want you to live. To hate yourself, be insecure and a absolute mess because that is how they feel about themselves. Misery loves company. I can bet he is coming back, but he will give you nothing just more lies and make you feel worse about yourself. My wounds are still raw, but my enough point was when he made me feel like he was better than me and i should be happy to be in his company-friggin narcissist. Well I am having a good long laugh because now he is trying every trick in the book to get back in . I just see his attempts as old and tired. So don't worry if he is happy with his wife I used to think he chose me over her. Not the case as if he was happy he would not of had a affair and also if he was truly trying to work on his marriage he would not be sniffing around for my supply. So don't worry about getting revenge because as everyone has said he will never be happy and when he does come around he will feel like he is not worthy of you and will get a taste of his medicine. So sit back and watch as his poor pathetic life unfolds and you move on to a more aware and fulfilling life. He will never be happy,but you will. Trust me it does not take that much time to see it. Just when you think you cannot take it anymore and his hold loosens you will see it.
forbidden fruit Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Established Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Northern California Posts: 416 Good for women... A friend sent me this via email and I decided to share it here. They are rules every woman should hold in esteem to keep her heart, dignity, and general well-being intact. So, here goes... *If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. *Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. *If you have ANY doubts about a man's behavior, leave him alone. *Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. *Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. *Don't force attraction. *Slower is better. *Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. *If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then HELL NO you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. *Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order. *Don't settle. *If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. *If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship - take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that? *Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. *Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess. *The only person you can control in a relationship is you. *There is only one "reason" a man dumps you; he doesn't want you. *Avoid men who have a lot of children by a lot of women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you differently? *You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding a prince. *Always put yourself and your happiness first. *Maintain boundaries in how a man treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. *If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested. *Be honest and upfront. *Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along. *Don't fall for the "I'm confused role." Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out - but don't wait for him...move on. *If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the women in his family. *There's more than physical abuse - there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee! *You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. *Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself...double-standard. *Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. *Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man - nothing more, nothing less. *Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you! *Don't compete with other women, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see. *If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him immediately and if you think he is lying, let him go. *Remember - actions speak louder than words. *Never let a man define who you are. *Never rely on a man for compliments...look to yourself for that. *If he cheated WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. *Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you, nor does it mean that you are meant to be with him. *To use painful, hard-won wisdom - 'get it right' the next time. *Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1 person in your life. *Love is a verb... *Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable - available, someone ungiving - giving, and someone unloving - loving. *A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. *All men are NOT dogs. This quote helped me alot *You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street. *If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else. *You cannot mend someone else's broken heart. *You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. *You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complementary - NOT supplementary. *Dating is fun - even if he doesn't turn out to be 'Mr. Right.' *NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it. *Never become your man's 'therapist.' *When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions. *A healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work. *Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you. *Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. *Give him his space...let him go out with his boys. Don't pressure him to spend time with you. You can't force a man to hang out with you. *If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him - you shouldn't either. *Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. *Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone. *Never co-sign for a man. *Never believe that you have the "perfect" man - NO man is completely perfect or innocent! *Never spoil your man; let him spoil you. *Never let a man ruin your credit. *When it's time to let go; let go! *Good men should be treated like...good men. *Don't play games. *Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. *Keep him in your radar but get to know others. *Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status ARE important. And finally... *Never date a guy who wears colored contacts! Sound advice to follow by, but not always easy...is it girls?? ~T~ 1
precious1357 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 imstunned, It takes time, give yourself a break. I understand your heart is breaking but in due time, you will feel better and believe me, he's not getting off scott free.
woe_is_me Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Hello. The weekend has been horrible. Yesterday I almost fell out with a friend as they got angry with me as I am so hurt. This morning I got a text at the time when NOBODY usually tests me but him. I stopped dead in my tracks. It wasnt him. Of course it wasnt him. Then came tears as though I'd never realsied he wont be getting back to me. WHen I am going to get it into my thick head he ISNT COMMING BACK???? Stunned, he might still come back.. my xmm did - after 4 yrs of no contact. Your head isn't thick it just has to focus on 'nicer' things. You have to learn to think less about him. I guess MM was ready to use me all over again but i foiled his attempts by accidentally calling him back when his W was there. (Gods will i call it) I was a fool. I thought i was finally going to see him again.. and realising when his W found out that i meant absolutely nothing was good for letting me know what i really did mean to him - not a great deal obviously. And what i went through after realising this, on top of the initial shock from hearing from him again was a living hell.. One of my friends became very worried about my emotional state.. and another said "for such a smart girl i can't believe you're in this situation" And some nights i drank until my head ached.. I never came to forums or anything the first time he disappeared, I should've then i may have been better prepared for his surprise return.. You will be okay, focus on yourself, not them, you're much more important and so are all the people who know and love you. Leave them to 'bask' in their misery. They are not making a 'go' of anything.. their marriage was probably miserable long before you came along...
marlena Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Does anyone know what happened to Stunned? I'm kind of worried about her!
Author imstunned Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Hi - thanks for thinking of me. I'm still here. I just havent posted as there is nothing new to say really. I still think about him every minute of the day. I count backwards from 10 over and over at night to stop me thinking of him curled up in bed next to her. Fight the urge to try every trick in the book to get him to come back to me. Cry everyday when I think that he loves her. Obsess about whether they will last etc. Its been a month since we were last in contact properly. Less than a week since he said that they are givng it a go. I'm no further forawrd really. Still trying to comprehend all that has happened. Thanks for thinking of me. x
marlena Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Stunned, I was really worried about you! Thanks for answering and letting us know that you are O.K. Honey, you are going through all the expected feelings. I know you are obsessing. In many ways this is natural. This fixation in time will also lose its grip on you. This man has bruised your soul and you are feeling the aftermath of the heartless beating he gave you. Eventually, those bruises will fade until they disappear for good. Even when they are gone, you will still have the remembrance of how you were bitterly wronged. You will have lost a part of your innocence, the part that had blind faith in people, but that it isn't such a bad thing. It will make you wiser and stronger. When you lie down at night, take your little child in your arms and try to find comfortand peace in his warmth and softness. Breathe deeply and rythmically and chant: I will get through this... I will get through this... I will get through this.. Marlena
Author imstunned Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Hi. Again nothing new to say, I wish I could update you all by saying he has been in touch, but he hasnt. I just feel the need to post. Tolerance in my real life is wearing thin for me talking about this - patience quickly gives way to anger and there seems to be a prevailing opinion that to talk about this to me is somehow indulging me. I'm STILL trying to get my head around everything - and not doing too great a job. I read all the posts on this board and the infidelity board and honsetly feel so very very jelious of all the ow whose mm wont let them go. It seems to me that mine has had a realisation that he loves his wife. He dosent want anything to do with me. It seems that most MM go back to their OW - except mine. That really hurts. I know you will all say that I am lucky, that in time I wil see that. But I am just left with an overwhelming feeling of rejection. I hate it. I feel like my head is really a bit messed up. I cant figure the guy out. Cant really understand any of it. Cant wait to move on. Am scared about how long its going to take.
frannie Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 It seems to me that mine has had a realisation that he loves his wife. He dosent want anything to do with me. He's been found out in lies with you... not just little lies, you know pretending to be single, but enormous great lies about being a rock-climber. He's not had any realisation about his W, that's just what he's told you. The reason he doesn't want anything to do with you is he's crushed, embarrassed and totally exposed as a liar and manipulator... and you can see right through him. This is not an average story of an OW finding out about a man being married... it's a story of Narcissism (in all probability), exposure and hiding away... the fact he can claim he's 'gone to work on his marriage' is just highly convenient for him. Don't imagine the two of them strolling off into the sunset holding hands while you grovel in the dust. Because that is not what's happening here. What's happening is a major-league liar with very deep-seated problems has been exposed for what he is... ... if he could continue to pull the wool over your eyes, I'm sure he'd be only to pleased to do so. Hopefully you wouldn't want that. The extent to which you DO want it shows how vulnerable you are to this kind of man. There would be no happy future with him. His W won't have one either, believe it.
marlena Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 It seems that most MM go back to their OW - except mine. Not true. They will go back until the wife finds out. Then, they too will be cast away in a heartbeat. This is almost a given, Stun. You aren't reading carefully. You hopefully will go through the excruciating agony only once. The others who go back will have to live through it again and again until eventually the inevitable happens and they too feel the sting of betrayal in the same exact way that the BS felt it. Not pretty for either women. I cant figure the guy out. Stop trying to! You're still in denial it seems for if you were to accept what has happened instead of looking for excuses, then you would see the stark reality of who he REALLY is. I know this hurts but the sooner you come to terms with the reality of who he is, the sooner you will feel relief from your pain. Am scared about how long its going to take. It's going to take however long it takes. DOn't stress over this one. You can however reach the acceptance phase just by , well, simply, accepting what has happened to you! You'll get here, Stun! Sure you will. It can't get any worse than it is. Only better.
marlena Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Not true. They will go back until the wife finds out. Then, they too will be cast away in a heartbeat. This is almost a given, Stun. You aren't reading carefully. You hopefully will go through the excruciating agony only once. The others who go back will have to live through it again and again until eventually the inevitable happens and they too feel the sting of betrayal in the same exact way that the BS felt it. Not pretty for either women. Stop trying to! You're still in denial it seems for if you were to accept what has happened instead of looking for excuses, then you would see the stark reality of who he REALLY is. I know this hurts but the sooner you come to terms with the reality of who he is, the sooner you will feel relief from your pain. It's going to take however long it takes. DOn't stress over this one. You can however reach the acceptance phase just by , well, simply, accepting what has happened to you! You'll get here, Stun! Sure you will. It can't get any worse than it is. Only better. The extent to which you DO want it shows how vulnerable you are to this kind of man. Yes, you need to really address this issue. You really MUST ask yourself why you would want this kind of man in spite of everything you have found out about him. There would be no happy future with him. His W won't have one either, believe it. So, so true!!
lonegal Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 after 3 weeks since the wife called I made contact with ex mm this am. I wanted to ask one thing. I did - he said he couldt get into it - was making a go of things with his wife, didnt want to mess up, couldnt text, a few texts went back and forth, him keeping on saying need to make a go of things, sorry, cant do this, I only wanted to piggin ask him something. I asked if he loved his wife - he said yes. I told him I lied to his wife - he said I know. So there - I have my closure- and apology. But I feel totally crushed. I wont text him again, whats the point. And I know EVERYONE will say now you have to let it go, move on, he has made his choice etc. I know that is all true. But I didnt excpect it to feel like my heart has been torn in two all over again. He has got off scott free - making a bl**dy go of things!! I'm not even sure why I'm posting this -I fee lost allover again. I have sepnt all morning fighting tears or in tears since we texted. I got closure - why dont I feel better?? He said he cared about me - why dont I feel better. HE said SORRY about 5 times. WHY DONT I FEEL BETTER?? I'm truly sorry for what you feel right now. I really hope things do get better with you. Closure is such a hard word to decode. It's for both sides. You really have to face it and not just run away from it and hope time heals it. Some may be, merciful others may be vindictive but in the end its still about both sides. It may work with others but its not always true for the rest. Your heart is strong, there are a lot of things it can do that you may think is impossible. I can't say move on at once, because its really little steps and not the typical 'you go ahead and show him type' moves.
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