Author imstunned Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 Thanks for the replies again. I'm doing the thing of writing letters. I have written one so far, and the anger flowed from me. I felt better for about ten minutes, then upset again. The angry again. Weirdly - at the moment I am ok. Like feel erm - nothing. Acceptance? More denial? I dont know. What I do know is that I will not lower myself to sending him any more texts. I will maitain my dignity. I will let him get on with "making a go of things". I have just re-read an article that I read about a month ago in a magazine that I kept. It says that energy flows where attention goes. I am going to focus on the things that I do want out of my life and hope that I end up getting it. Sure - at the moment I THINK I'd like this man to come back to me, say him and his wife parted and that he wants me - but I'm sure that will fade, cos he isnt comming back. If he ever does, I'll have moved on. I hope that I can hold my head up high. I never did anything wrong throughout this whole thing. I gave him honesty, respect, openess. I will not give my self a hard time about that any more. I'm forgiving myself. I fell in love. So what? I'll fall in love again. Next time it will be with a man who can give me all of him in return. Thank you to all of you who are posting to me. I have no doubt I will have days full of anguish to come, and I'll be needing you! (probably tomorrow - when the full impact of his texts hits home!! )
OWoman Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Sounds great, Stunned! I'm sure there'll be good days and bad days, this is still all very recent. Hang in there, you're doing great, and being an inspiration to many!
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Well that calm in the storm was short lived. I thought it may be. I didnt sleep again for upset and anger. I'm angry with him for all the lies. I so want to text him and tell him how angry I am. How his sorry just dosent do the job. How I think he must be sick for putting me through what he did. I now have 2 texts in my draft box - one is just the text he sent to me pretending to be his friend telling me he was dead to be forwarded back to him. And another is a text telling him how furious I am and that he dosent deserve the second chance I GAVE HIM by lying. There is a difference in me now from 2 weeks or so ago. Then I didnt WANT to let this go. Now I want to let it go - but am finding it hard to. I want to keep my dignity but I want to rub his face in his lies to me. I dont want to simply vanish to him - I want to make life difficult really. Just like he has for me for the past god knows how many months. THE only thing that is stopping me sending these texts - is that I know he will get angry and turn on me. He will NEVER come back to me if I send them. How pathetic is that - I "know" he wont come back anyway - they are working it out. Seems like my exmm is one of the ones that has the affair and wakes up to how he really feels and discoveres he loves his wife after all. Well - I'm so glad to have been of service you pr*ck! I'm sick to death of this - the anger is good - better than the tears, worse with the tears, but because of the situation I still want REVENGE.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I think the thing to keep in mind, imstunned, is that this is going to take a while to get over. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts to process... and most of them will be pretty uncomfortable, especially at the beginning. Unfortunately there's just no other way... even revenge, especially at this stage, is going to leave you feeling unfulfilled (jmho), because you're still very much emotionally engaged with him. ie. you still care about his reaction, I think..? When I had my 'revenge' on my abusive ex I was already detaching... and I did it for my own satisfaction, and I actually don't know what his reaction was. I know it sounds terrible... but I admit, it did make me feel good and I still don't regret it. Anyway... stick with it and know that each day is more processing under your belt... it might feel absolutely awful right now, but you are going in the right direction.
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 I very much care about his reaction, but I stil want to text him the text he sent me pretending to be his friend telling me he is dead. I think that would have an impact on him for sure. All I would be doing is reminding him oif his very own words.
marlena Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I think that would have an impact on him for sure. All I would be doing is reminding him oif his very own words. No, Stun, it would not have any impact on hin whatsoever. He doesn't care what you think of him. He knows what he's done and might even be having a good laugh over it. He had no compunction to do what he did. What makes you think he would feel any remorse?
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I very much care about his reaction, but I stil want to text him the text he sent me pretending to be his friend telling me he is dead. I think that would have an impact on him for sure. All I would be doing is reminding him oif his very own words. imstunned, this is my personal opinion, and not meant to cause you any upset. So... In my personal opinion, making an assumption about your MM (which may be incorrect, but this is my opinion)... all that text would do is to make him disgusted with you. He won't look at himself at all. The text will cause zero introspection. Zero. He will instead look at you as a woman who was stupid enough to fall for his lies, and now that the lies are out, is stupid enough to still want and need something from him. Try to imagine that he loathes you as a non-person who is at best nothing more than a nuisance at the moment, and you will come close to how he feels about you. That's not what I think of you, imstunned. I've been in your position. I just have an insight (I believe) into the mind of the man you've been involved with. And once again, I may be wrong.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I very much care about his reaction, but I stil want to text him the text he sent me pretending to be his friend telling me he is dead. I think that would have an impact on him for sure. All I would be doing is reminding him oif his very own words. imstunned, this is my personal opinion, and not meant to cause you any upset. So... In my personal opinion, making an assumption about your MM (which may be incorrect, but this is my opinion)... all that text would do is to make him disgusted with you. He won't look at himself at all. The text will cause zero introspection. Zero. He will instead look at you as a woman who was stupid enough to fall for his lies, and now that the lies are out, is stupid enough to still want and need something from him. Try to imagine that he loathes you as a non-person who is at best nothing more than a nuisance at the moment, and you will come close to how he feels about you. That's not what I think of you, imstunned. I've been in your position. I just have an insight (I believe) into the mind of the man you've been involved with. And once again, I may be wrong.
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 you think he loathes me? Thats brought me to tears. I never did anythign but love him. ANd he wont care about the text - well perhaps I should just call his wife. Mess up somehtign he does care about.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 you think he loathes me? Thats brought me to tears. I never did anythign but love him. ANd he wont care about the text - well perhaps I should just call his wife. Mess up somehtign he does care about. I'm sorry, because I didn't mean to cause you any pain at all. I wanted to express to you that your sending him that text will not cause any introspection on his part... I simply don't think he's capable of it. Again, only my opinion and I am no expert, but if you consider him a hollow shell of a man who has to lie and misrepresent himself to others in order to gain a fragile sort of self-esteem, you will see how he cannot afford to see himself in a bad light. Any time you remind him of his lies and emptiness he will see that as an attack, and in his mind devalue you. Ditto sending the text to his W... it might cause (even more) trouble in the house, but his reaction will be the same... more and more negative feelings towards you. Once again, my apologies for causing you pain. If you find my point of view too upsetting I'll stop posting on your thread because I know it could be something you just don't want to hear at the moment. Best wishes, anyway.
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 no no - please please dont stop posting on this thread. I need the support, and am grateful for your replies. Last night I felt ok - this morning I'm back on a more turbulent rollercoaster and i WANT TO GET OFF. I feel so powerless. I feel sick that he said he loves his wife. I feel sick that they are making a "go of things".
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 no no - please please dont stop posting on this thread. I need the support, and am grateful for your replies. Last night I felt ok - this morning I'm back on a more turbulent rollercoaster and i WANT TO GET OFF. I feel so powerless. I feel sick that he said he loves his wife. I feel sick that they are making a "go of things". OK, no problem, I just didn't want to be pounding on about what I think if it was upsetting you. I know you're feeling terrible at the moment. I can imagine what you are feeling... and its not going to get better for a while. If it's any consolation whatever, he will be just as much of a fleabag with his W. In fact I feel sorry for the woman married to him. You're imagining a life of love and paradise with the wholly invented man he presented to you... she will be living something closer to Hell, I can assure you.
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Does nobody think its possible that he may be feeling bad about what he has done, may realise he made a mistake, perhpas did care for me, but needs to work things out with the wife because he loves her?
marlena Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 she will be living something closer to Hell, I can assure you. Of the above there can be no doubt. None in the least. I don't know why his wife puts up with it. I have a feeling that one day she will have had enough and toss him out on his arse... No person in his right mind would stay with someone like this for long. And neither should you. I agree 100% with Frannie except for one thing. I would not text his wife. She knows already. You will only come across as being pathetic and spiteful. She might also think that you are pursuing her husband and project more blame onto you than onto him. She will be in denial and side with him against you .. You will be giving her more amo to think of you as a psycho girlfriend after her poor little husband who strayed this once and is now oh so sorry that he did. Honey, Let go!!! Cry, rant and rave, break things if you have to but stay away from the both of them.. It is still fresh and feelings are raw. Give it some time! Be nice to yourself.
marlena Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Does nobody think its possible that he may be feeling bad about what he has done, may realise he made a mistake, perhpas did care for me, but needs to work things out with the wife because he loves her? No, Stun don't even go down that path. People like him do not feel remorse. Hell, they don't even think they have done anything wrong! If asked, he would probably say it was your fault. You somehow forced him to tell all those autrocious lies. And no, I don't think he loves his wife or you (sorry. I know that stung). He is not capable of loving in the way we normal people conceive of love. Stun, this man is not normal. Try to wrap this around your head and for heaven's sake don't be a part of his illness. Most of the responses you have received are negative about him. We can't all be wrong. In time you will stop obssessing over him. You just have to go through this I'm afraid. Try to see things with a clear head. If this had happened to someone you loves, what would you advise her to do?
overandout Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Of the above there can be no doubt. None in the least. I don't know why his wife puts up with it. I have a feeling that one day she will have had enough and toss him out on his arse... No person in his right mind would stay with someone like this for long. And neither should you. I agree 100% with Frannie except for one thing. I would not text his wife. She knows already. You will only come across as being pathetic and spiteful. She might also think that you are pursuing her husband and project more blame onto you than onto him. She will be in denial and side with him against you .. You will be giving her more amo to think of you as a psycho girlfriend after her poor little husband who strayed this once and is now oh so sorry that he did. Honey, Let go!!! Cry, rant and rave, break things if you have to but stay away from the both of them.. It is still fresh and feelings are raw. Give it some time! Be nice to yourself. I think that Frannie said NOT to text the wife, at least that's how I read it.
marlena Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I think that Frannie said NOT to text the wife, at least that's how I read it. Ditto sending the text to his W... OK! I thought this meant she could text his wife...maybe I misread!
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 thanks. For some reason I am under the impression that things are good with them. It was the way he said "we are giving it a go", and "yes" when I asked him if he loved her. I cant get a rosey picture of their marriage out of my head! For all the reasons you have stated I wont text anyone. The last thing I want to do is look even more of I mug then I already do to him. But I do find it hard to think that he dosent give a monkeys what I think of him, or how I feel. As for his wife - she dosent know the truth, because I lied to her. She dosent think aything happened. Unless he came clean? it is tempting to tell her the truth - but whats the point. I had my chance and blew it in the hope that he would come back to me. MUG. I will do everything I can to keep busy - but it wont make too much difference. The anger and hurt wont go away. I just want it to go away!!! I am so envious of his wife its unture! WHy I am makes no sense - he has treated her badly, but he loves HER and wants to be with HER.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I agree 100% with Frannie except for one thing. I would not text his wife. She knows already. You will only come across as being pathetic and spiteful. She might also think that you are pursuing her husband and project more blame onto you than onto him. She will be in denial and side with him against you .. You will be giving her more amo to think of you as a psycho girlfriend after her poor little husband who strayed this once and is now oh so sorry that he did. Hello marlena, I don't think texting his W would be a positive thing at all, and agree with you about the likely outcome. But actually I didn't say as much because I thought I was piling on enough 'negativity' as it was, so I left that aspect alone. However I completely agree with you.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I will do everything I can to keep busy - but it wont make too much difference. The anger and hurt wont go away. I just want it to go away!!! I am so envious of his wife its unture! WHy I am makes no sense - he has treated her badly, but he loves HER and wants to be with HER. The anger and hurt will go away, given sufficient time and (positive) expression. It's your body/mind's defence against what has happened to you... the same way you get a blister, or (sorry for the imagery!) phleghm when you're hurt or infected... think of the anger and hurt as something there to protect you... something you need to expel a little at a time til you're properly healed. This helped me at least! Everytime you feel like screaming or crying it's just got to come out... and afterwards you'll feel a lot better... Of course the memory of all this will remain, but as a defence mechanism against further hurt of this kind. You will in fact be protected against such a thing again... but you do need to go through this process. Again, I know it doesn't suit everyone, but thinking this way certainly helped me get over my ex.
marlena Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Frannie, How do we make Stun agree with us too? Of course we can't. Nobody could make me see, that's for sure. I had to get there myself through a lot of introspection and pain. She'll be OK eventually. Truth be told, this guy really did a number on her head..not to mention her heart.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 thanks. For some reason I am under the impression that things are good with them. It was the way he said "we are giving it a go", and "yes" when I asked him if he loved her. I cant get a rosey picture of their marriage out of my head! ... I am so envious of his wife its unture!...he loves HER and wants to be with HER. The reason you have these pictures and these feelings is all based on the image he's painted of 'working on things' with her... and the future with him you envisaged. None of it has any basis in reality. Someone as sick as he is has to pedal very hard indeed to maintain his sense of self-worth... he has to lie, and misrepresent himself 24-7. There is no harmonious life at home with his W. And she will spend her entire existence in knowing that on one level... that does not make for comfortable living.
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 ... For all the reasons you have stated I wont text anyone. The last thing I want to do is look even more of I mug then I already do to him. Frannie, How do we make Stun agree with us too? Of course we can't. Nobody could make me see, that's for sure. I had to get there myself through a lot of introspection and pain. She'll be OK eventually. Truth be told, this guy really did a number on her head..not to mention her heart. marlena, if you look above, you probably did what I did first time and missed imstunned recent post while I was posting myself. I think she's getting there. But I remember well being where she was, and it's a long old road out of there. With plenty of setbacks. We all see things in our own time. I think all we can do on LS is to share our own insight and experience and if it helps others, it helps... if they're not ready they're not ready...
marlena Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Yes, we all heal at a different pace and in a different way... and yes, I agree, things like this shake you to the core..you are never the same.. I am so much more careful with my heart now.. I never, ever want to walk that road again.
Author imstunned Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Thanks girls. You are being very kind and supportive to me. I know I'll get there in the end. I think I have managed to be strong up to a point, After his wife contacted me I went NC for 3 weeks, but then contacted him. I wont ever contact him again. I'll try and become what one lovely poster reffered to as awoman of mysery. If he ever does wonder if I still love him. . .well he can wonder. Though the truth is he probably dosent give a toss - even though he said he did care. I'm just going through a multitude of emotions at such a pace - its exhausting. I'm anfry one minute, tears the next, nothing for bit, then fresh tears, with a feeling of dispair so fresh its as though it all just happened yesterday. But then I guess I was in touch wth him only on Friday. Perhaps I am expecting too much of myself - to literally bounce back so fast. Still - At least I wont be spending christmas worrying about him - as he gives me more lines about being in snow holes etc. he was stting me up for not being around at CHristmas back in August. Jerk! I'll be able to enjoy it and hopefully focus all my energy on a man who desrves me - MY SON!
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