I guess I got closure - I'm devestated

[imstunned]

after 3 weeks since the wife called I made contact with ex mm this am. I wanted to ask one thing. I did - he said he couldt get into it - was making a go of things with his wife, didnt want to mess up, couldnt text, a few texts went back and forth, him keeping on saying need to make a go of things, sorry, cant do this, I only wanted to piggin ask him something. I asked if he loved his wife - he said yes. I told him I lied to his wife - he said I know.

 

So there - I have my closure- and apology. But I feel totally crushed. I wont text him again, whats the point. And I know EVERYONE will say now you have to let it go, move on, he has made his choice etc. I know that is all true. But I didnt excpect it to feel like my heart has been torn in two all over again. He has got off scott free - making a bl**dy go of things!!

 

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this -I fee lost allover again. I have sepnt all morning fighting tears or in tears since we texted. I got closure - why dont I feel better?? He said he cared about me - why dont I feel better. HE said SORRY about 5 times. WHY DONT I FEEL BETTER??

[Tomcat33]

Hi I'mstunned. I'm sorry for your pain. I can empathise with what you are going through. Closure is a double edged sword, on the one hand you are relieved that you can finally move on but on the other hand you have to accept it is the end and deal with the pain of losing someone you love and that is never easy.

 

 

There is no hard fast rule for getting over someone you just need to let the emotions flow and go through your natural grieving progress. nothing that can be said now in terms of a future outlook on your path, will mean anything now because you are too deep in the pain. But just know that it does get better, and in small steps you can reach a level of happiness again.

 

I know what you would want to hear is that he did love you and that it did mean something to him but only he knows what your relationship meant to him. I will tell you this though, in order for love to exist it must be reciprocated, people don't fall in love with people who don't reciprocate that love even if in a small fraction. So if you felt love for this man he felt it too. He is doing what his gut is telling him to do and you must respect that, even if the casualty is you.

 

 

Lastly "sorry" isn't good enough. "I do love you" isn't good enough. "I wish I could make your pain go away" isn't good enough. They are mere words, words without actions are air with sound...nothing more.

 

{{{{ hugs }}}}

[Lyssa]

Gee whizz, Imstunned - I'm sorry to hear about this.

 

It sucks but you know what you'll get over it. It may not seem like it right now but you will! Give it some time. I'd rather feel the hurt and cry my eyes out right now rather than few months later! Sometimes closure does not make you feel better. I don't think it's meant to make you feel all dandy.

 

People always say closure will help them heal, it will but like so many other things - good or bad - it takes time to get there! Hang in there, sweetie!

[BlueEyedSarah]

You got the answers you wanted, now its time to move on. Do things that will make you feel happy.

[imstunned]

hi. Thanks for replying. I guess the hurt will go in time, but the answers I got were far from what I wanted. I havent felt so crushed ever at the end of a relationship. There he is working on things with his wife and I'm hurting like hell. I bet the only resaon he was nice to me was because he was worried that I may end up telling his wife the truth after all.

 

I wish I had never ever met him. As time goes on the more distrusting I feel. AND I'm fighting the urge to get nasty. I've turned into somebody I would look upon as being quite pathetic really, clutching at staws, cant let go, wanting to get nasty.

 

I wish to god I could just let go. Move on. Heal. All that Jazz.

[nadiaj2727]

imstunned-- I have an urge to take you out for coffee or a drink. Is there a girl friend of yours or even acquaintance in real life you can tell your situation (or any part of it to) so that maybe you really can go out somewhere distracting with someone and get some companionship and try to put it out of your mind... or rant and rave about it for awhile if you need to? If you don't want to say he was married, don't... just tell someone that your heart has recently been broken by a man who lied and was a jerk. Any woman will understand that.

 

I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but tell yourself you deserve better until you believe it. Tell yourself there is nothing you can do to change his lying cheating self, but you can improve yourself and be happy again. Good luck dear.

[whichwayisup]

The best revenge is to grieve, cry, get this out of your system and heal yourself. Live life again and don't let him get you down or allow this to mess you up. You only have control over yourself and what you do.

 

Sorry that you're in pain, but you did get the closure, now it is time for you to deal with that and move through the emotions, don't look back, only forward.

[norajane]

WHY DONT I FEEL BETTER??

 

Because "i'm sorry" doesn't take away the pain, doesn't eliminate the betrayal, doesn't give back the 8 months of your life, doesn't erase all the lies, and doesn't make up for the hopes and dreams you developed.

 

And it doesn't ring true, does it? An "i'm sorry" from someone who went to such great lengths to deceive you doesn't sound genuine...you may have been in the dark the whole time, but HE was well aware of what he was doing to you for 8 months, so it's hard to believe he is suddenly all sorry and regretful and remorseful about what he was doing.

 

Closure comes from within, especially when you have to deal with a lying, cheating bastard. You will get closure when you accept how much better off you are that you never have to hear his lies again, and that you do not have to deal with such a bastard anymore.

[marlena]

Closure comes from within, especially when you have to deal with a lying, cheating bastard. You will get closure when you accept how much better off you are that you never have to hear his lies again, and that you do not have to deal with such a bastard anymore.

 

 

Yes, stunned, what he did to you was plain downright cruel. He doesn't deserve one tear, one sigh, one sleepless night. I agree with NoraJane. BS on the remorse. He knew exactly what he was doing. Instead of spending enrgy missing him and oining for him, get raging mad and give YOURSELF more closure. Tell yourself, even if he were to beg and plead and leave his wife, you would kick him to the curb or in the gutter where he belongs. Show him by your silence that you are the type of woman who does not put up with abuse. And like another poster said, go out with a girlfriend/s and rant and rave tilll you blow of steam. It takes time but you will get feel better (as I did). I don't know if one can ever fully get over being abused this way (I know I haven't. I am still pissed off.) but you do go on.

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Rather be hard on him. Be downright ruthless. And never turn back. NEVER! This guy is bad news from start to finish.

[imstunned]

Thanks for the replies. Its been a hideous day.

 

Somebody said on my first thread that nothing he could say would make me feel better. I didnt realise it then, but its true. He said all the things I thought I wanted him to say (aside of course from I love you - I want to be with you) to give me closure but now I'm flitting between sheer FURY and utter dispair.

 

I told him I fell in love with him. He said "sorry". I told him I hoped things worked out for him after he had said for the 5th time that he needed to make a go of things - that they were making a go of things - etc etc. He said "thanks" What the hell is wrong with me that I am so bloody nice. He said "please please dont do this, I need to make a go of things and cant fu*k up" - please please dont do what??? EXIST?? Have feelings?? Be a HUMAN BEING???? And he should have thought about f*cking up before he came and slept with me, and stole 8 months of my life. What a complete JERK! I cannot believe I lied for him.

 

Somebody asked me why I lied to his wife. I lied I realise now because I was hoping he would come back to me. Now he has got off scott free, will have a nice happy family life, working things out "making a go of things" and I'm sitting here in tears.

 

I wish to god I'd never laid eyes on him. I am utterly crushed.

[norajane]

Somebody asked me why I lied to his wife. I lied I realise now because I was hoping he would come back to me. Now he has got off scott free, will have a nice happy family life, working things out "making a go of things" and I'm sitting here in tears.

 

I wish to god I'd never laid eyes on him. I am utterly crushed.

 

I don't think he gets off scott free, nor do I think he will have a nice family life.

 

- his wife knows something was up, so she's now got him on a short leash, and is probably making his life miserable with questions and recriminations and tears of her own. She may require him to go to marriage counseling, which will force him to own his lies and deceptions. That's why he begged you to leave him alone - he's anxious and worried about what his wife will do.

 

- a man like him will never be happy, because he will never be satisfied with what he has

[movinon05]

imstunned, i had a 7 yr R with a MM. it wasn't til about 5 yrs in that i realized he was telling me the most outrageous lies, but i still hung on. his last words to me, almost 3 yrs ago, were that he was leaving in two days. he has never spoken to me again.

 

my original reaction to that was "par for the course". he didn't have the guts to end it to my face. and then there was anger, that he was such a coward, especially after all those years. like, there was 7 years down the drain that obviously did not mean as much to him as it did to me. and i was very hard on myself.

 

what i came to realize was that i think i was one of the lucky ones. because when his cowardess showed his true colors, i knew i was better off without him. i didn't want someone like that in my life, who obviously loved himself more than he loved me. this is what you need to focus on. he loved himself more. and there is nothing he could say that will make you feel better, i assure you.

 

you just need to accept that he was not the perfect guy you seem to think he was, who he made himself out to be. this has been pointed out to you through all of this thread. open your eyes now and take him off of that pedestal you put him on. you will heal. lesson learned.

 

I'm quoting myself from the last thread because I think the bolded parts bear repeating.

 

You are starting to get angry now and that's very good! You should be angry. Its going to help you get through this. Realize he loves himself more and that kind of person you don't need in your life. He has shown you his true colors now.

 

I know you're hurting, I know your pain, but I promise you the day will come when you will be thankful that it ended. You're smarter now. You will eventually open your heart again for someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated and the way you deserve to be treated. You just need to give yourself time.

[serial muse]

I don't think he gets off scott free, nor do I think he will have a nice family life.

 

- a man like him will never be happy, because he will never be satisfied with what he has

 

I was going to post this too, stunned - please don't torture yourself with the thought that he's going to be happy and carefree now.

 

Trust me, he ISN'T. The fallout from this is going to make his life a living hell, and when it all gets to be too much - right around the time you've finally started to move on - he'll contact you out of the blue, hoping for a little escape, once again.

 

And you will have the last laugh. Truly, you are so much better off out of this. I know you can't see it now through all the pain and the lies, but someday, believe me, you will thank your lucky stars that you're free of him.

 

He is not a person who will ever be happy, or can ever make you happy. He creates whole worlds to escape into - that's how he deals with life. No one - not his wife, not you, not himself - can ever hope to compete with the fantasies he's created for himself, and the ONLY way to win in this scenario is not to play. You've made a lucky, lucky escape. I do hope that, with time, you'll begin to feel that way too.

[imstunned]

I do hear you - and I know that what you say is true - and thanks for your replies. I just cant beleive how much pain it has caused me to hear him say he loves his wife and are making a go of things. I'm not sure what I expected him to say - but my physical reaction to what he DID say tells me that I wasnt expecting that.

 

He seemed to be nice to me this morning. Which makes it hard to believe he is all bad - and rather makes me think he is that nice guy after all. My head is mince. Im all OVER THE PLACE. And whats worse - its the weekend which means he is there with his wife. Its like I'm still processing that relaity. he did such a good job of being single that I cant quite get my head around the fact that he is married, let alone everything else.

 

I didnt text him saying - "so what about our affair" and al the replies were like I cant do this, making a go of things, please dont do this - I have just read them over again and I'm still like "Please dont do WHAT??" I didnt bloody do anything. He did!

[whichwayisup]

He has to live with the fact his wife will NEVER fully trust him again. Everynight, he will probably lay in bed, realizing that he cheated on his wife, betrayed his own children...In his wife's eyes, he'll never BE the man she married, never BE the husband she said vows to because he broke every one of them. That, in itself, is a pretty good punishment and I bet his wife is going through a living hell right now as well - Which inturn, makes HIS life a living hell as well.

 

You are lucky that this affair didn't continue for years, imagine how you'd feel then? 1000x worse.

 

What I don't understand though is, how you were so kind to him...Where did all that anger go? I mean, this guy is one sick puppy - The way he lied and led you on, with such graphic and dramatic lies too! Sick...

 

Anyway, find that closure within now and take care of you.

[serial muse]

I do hear you - and I know that what you say is true - and thanks for your replies. I just cant beleive how much pain it has caused me to hear him say he loves his wife and are making a go of things. I'm not sure what I expected him to say - but my physical reaction to what he DID say tells me that I wasnt expecting that.

 

He seemed to be nice to me this morning. Which makes it hard to believe he is all bad - and rather makes me think he is that nice guy after all. My head is mince. Im all OVER THE PLACE. And whats worse - its the weekend which means he is there with his wife. Its like I'm still processing that relaity. he did such a good job of being single that I cant quite get my head around the fact that he is married, let alone everything else.

 

I didnt text him saying - "so what about our affair" and al the replies were like I cant do this, making a go of things, please dont do this - I have just read them over again and I'm still like "Please dont do WHAT??" I didnt bloody do anything. He did!

 

 

Please don't make it harder for him, I think is his implication. Bah. As though your priority, over getting well-earned answers, should be to make it even easier for him to hurt you. Grr.

 

The thing is - he may be a "nice" guy, in the sense that he doesn't intend to hurt people, took your call without hanging up and apologized a few times. But the one thing that is still true, despite all the obfuscation and pretenses at being a stand-up person and declarations of love for someone and I'm sorries, is that he's most interested in what will be good for him. Not you, and not her.

 

I'm not sure if I think that being sorry after the fact for causing someone pain through selfishness, and trying to clumsily smooth things over with one of the people you've hurt by avoiding the other, is being nice. It's certainly not the same thing as being honorable. And there's nothing in there that indicates that he will learn a thing about himself from all this. So sure, he's not all bad, and perhaps he is nice, in the basest sense of the word. A lot of people are nice. He's not a serial killer.

 

But worthy of you? Definitely not. That math is easier to do, hon.

[imstunned]

thanks again for the replies. I'm on my own, with nobody to talk to - so they really help at a time like this.

 

I cant wait to feel like I'm moving on. Some times I think I should have just contacted him sooner. I knew I would in the end. All I can hope is that I look as though I have come out of it with a little dignity. I cant quite believe that I told him that I had fallen in love with him. I feel like a bit of a fool there - but I'm open to a fault. And any way its the truth. Perhaps now he will relaise how much he hurt me, and that I have feelings too. Whether or not he cares about them is another matter.

[marlena]

No,Stun, he wasn't being nice! He was acting nice so as to soothe you and in so doing make sure you don't stir up anymore trouble for him. Narcissists are academy award winning actors - please do not forget this! This is just another act in this sick charade he played. He is looking after his own hide. YOU DO THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hold on to your anger and do not give him anymore ammunition to debase you again the way he has. Stand tall and take pride in the knowledge that you are not enabling him to take advantage of you anymore! If you maintain your distance and silence, he will suffer more. Soon, he will wonder why. Believe me! When his ego is not being fed anymore, he will feel howl like a hungry animal. And probably go on to his next victim.

 

My words are harsh, I know. I don't want to add to your pain but you have to look at the facts. The facts will empower you and give you the impetus to break away emotionally from this two - bit actor.

 

 

Sheesh, Stun. My anger is building up with every letter I type!!!

 

And no, he isn't happy. Never will be. NEVER! He is incapable of giving or partaking of happiness. But you are. It will happen one day. You are wiser and stronger now! And young and free! And he's stuck in the convoluted twists and turns of his sick psyche!!

 

Please get better!

[imstunned]

Thanks for the reply Marlena!

 

I didnt sleep much, but you will be glad to hear, it wasnt for tears, it was for sheer total rage! Its taken me a while to get here - but what he said yesterday has done it for me. He only apologised as I texted him. He only ever said they were making a go of things - he said sorry - sure, but only because I said something and the appropriate response was "sorry". I dont think he was being nice really - just trying to keep me passive so I dont stir up any **** for him.

 

Which - I have to say I have never ever been closer to doing. He thinks he can just get away with this scott free - he loves his wife - they are making a go of things, I bet she would be very interested to know the truth from me. Actually now I think she deserves it. He dosent deserve her, his kids and he sure as hell dosnet deserve me. I at least feel like telling HIM how angry I am - and telling him that I am thinking if calling her. I bet he would totally cr*p himself.

 

Failing that I think I may text him in a week or so saying that the std clinic said I was to contact him as he needs to get tested. We had unprotected sex - I went on the pill. Silly - I know - but we even discussed this, and being mutually exlusive blah blah.

 

I just keep thinking to myself "how DARE he say he is making a go of things" and think he dosent owe me one single explanation. Not so long ago I thought he was DEAD. I used to sit looking out of my window looking at the stars finding comfort that he was under the same sky as me - somehwere up a mountian. All the time he was with his wife. I"M FURIOUS! Yesterday I was crushed as he had chosen his wife - I felt rejected all over again. Today I am finally angry about all of it - the lies. The J*rk!

 

For me - though I kind of wish I had remained myterious as one kind posted had said I would be by not contacitng him - I think I can see that I needed to have the exchange I had with him yesterday to get to my anger. I was STILL unsure of what was going on in his head, and unsure and hopng really that he would come back to me.

 

Christ by telling him yesterday that I fell in love with him I wouldnt be at all suprised if I hear from him in the future, one the elasterplast they fix their relationship with starts to fall off and the same issues that were there in the first place crop up again. . .

 

He has hurt me beyond all comprehension and I am so so angry. I want payback. I want to hurt him. I want to screw his life up. I feel like a bit of a psycho bunny!

[imstunned]

oh no - nobody is here - I nned to know what you will all tell me to do. Move on I'm sure - but there is a text to him, and angry one form me sitting in my drafts box. My thumb is itching to send it. Would it be the end of the world for me to lash out at him. Why shoudlnt I? Does he think a "sorry" will cut it for the pain and anguish i went through when I thought he was dead?? For all the lies? For all the manipulation? I dont think so. And I want him to know that.

[frannie]

I'm here.

 

I posted on your earlier thread and said that from my own experience, this man will never give you what you need/want, i.e. an explanation or a real apology. You may as well give up on that. And yes, what is left is anger for you... anger that he misled you and walks away apparently free of effects... to do it again to someone else. It is maddening.

 

FWIW I went through exactly what you're going through now... and had a great desire for 'revenge'... to hurt him back for what he'd done to me. Especially as I could see he was about to do the same to someone else (and this man had been violent and dangerous in my opinion). So, I got my revenge on him, and walked away, feeling better for myself.

 

So, I'm not going to say 'don't do it'... what I'm going to say is you may well feel better for having had a go back at him. But remember... you will get nothing, nothing, nothing from him. You have to do whatever it takes you to move on... he will have the slippery ability to continue to make you feel like **** every time you engage with him.

[imstunned]

Thanks - I know you are right. I have also just written a huge letter to him for cathartic reasons calling him every name under the sun. Do you know the ONLY thing that is really stopping me doing it - seinding this text - hell, telling his wife, is that then i know he will NEVER come back to me. Like he is ever going to!!!!!

 

WTF is that all about. I am just so so angry. I'm not used to it. I dont like it. Then comes anger and tears and I like that even less!

 

I guess when I have truly moved on I wont be angry, I wont care less. I hope he is miserable. For all his days.

[frannie]

Thanks - I know you are right. I have also just written a huge letter to him for cathartic reasons calling him every name under the sun. Do you know the ONLY thing that is really stopping me doing it - seinding this text - hell, telling his wife, is that then i know he will NEVER come back to me. Like he is ever going to!!!!!

 

WTF is that all about. I am just so so angry. I'm not used to it. I dont like it. Then comes anger and tears and I like that even less!

 

I guess when I have truly moved on I wont be angry, I wont care less. I hope he is miserable. For all his days.

 

I understand how you feel. I was the same. Even though this man had physically attacked me, I still held on to the hope that things could be worked out. It seems unbelievable now, but I was so far involved with him I couldn't see what I was doing... I needed him to see what he'd done, apologise, make things right... and (wait for it) come back to me. Which is why your story resonated so strongly with me when I read it.

 

It took me 9 months to realise that wasn't going to happen... that actually he was sick (and so was I for engaging with him)... and I still, even then, needed to hit back at him in order to get over it. I make no apologies for that... I was still horribly involved with him. So I know 'what that is about'.

 

It did take me a few years to get to the point of complete indifference. I'm way past that now, I'm happy to say. And as I wrote to you in my first post on your other thread, you can learn so much about (some!) people, and yourself, from being involved with people like this. It's scary to think they exist... but they do. Don't give up on people, or on yourself, because you were sucked in. Just consider this: you're learning a lot... and actually, in the long run, you'll be glad this happened to you.

[minerva63]

imstunned, i left a post on your original thread. just know that i am going through all of the same emotions you are.

 

before this, i considered myself pretty strong emotionally, able to get over/through just about anything thrown my way.

 

now, i am completely broken. i start counseling nov 7. if i can make it to then.

[marlena]

Stun,

I understand your frustration and overwhelming need for revenge! Honey, it will come when you least expect it. I can almost guarantee this.

 

My ex did the same number on me. I went strictly NC and became that mysterious woman one poster talked about. Of course, I didn't do it for that reason. Basically I did it because I did not want to in any way give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still cared enough for him that I could be angry or feel any kind of emotion for him. Plus I used the time to research his disorder in an effort to understand why this had happened to me. ..what my part/responsiblity in the matter was. The answer was simple...I was targeted because he sniffed out my vulnerabilities and knew that I would ENABLE him to play his ego games with me. I had to take that power away from him and the only way I could do that was making him think he had absolutely no power over me - NONE - ZILCH - NADA!!!! I also realized that I was dealing with one very sick human being and that I was perhaps endangering my life. For all the above, I went NC!!!

 

 

Weeks later, his firsts attempts to suck me back in! Boy, was he surprised when he couldn't accomplish it. I was a differetn person..not that vulnerable, naive, needy person I had been. He called, wrote emails. I neve returned his calls and my last e- mail to him was the following:

 

No, I will not be calling you as you asked me to. I can not be friends with someone who lied, cheated and showed me such disrespect. Please do not contact me agian."

 

His reply?

 

You are being harsh and unfair! Yeah, sure, he only wishes I were that stupid again!

 

Your time will come when you will feel vindicated. I don't knowin what shape or form but it will come. When you least expect it too. And like Frannie said, you can learn so much about (some) people and yourself from being in relationships of this kind. Lesson learned. You are now wiser and stronger though you may not feel like you are right now.

 

No, do not send texts,emails or anything. Fall off the face of the earh and let him wonder. "Haven't I still got her hooked?"

 

I don't believe for a minute he is working on his marriage. BS. He's already trageting his next victim. PLEASE DO NOT LET IT BE YOU AGAIN.

 

We are here for you. Be strong. You'll get through this.