shadowplay Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Something happened last night that kind of bothered me and I can't tell if I'm just being paranoid. My boyfriend and I typically talk every night on im, usually pretty late, 11 or so. He always ims me after his classes. Last night he imed me at 8 and said 'hey baby, i'm about to run to class but looking forward to talking to you later tonight.' Well, he never imed me last night. I saw that he was probably out because his status on the chat was he was online from his phone, which means he's away from his room. I tried iming him but got no response. Finally I wrote him a message saying I was going to sleep and hoped he had a good night. I couldn't sleep and opened the computer again later to find he had imed me briefly after I went to bed, around 3 am, saying 'hey, are you there?' Then he had signed off again when I didn't answer, probably to sleep. Today he ims me and apologizes for not getting my messages earlier in the evening. He says he couldn't see them from his phone. This didn't seem like a very good explanation to me. Even if he didn't get my messages why didn't he try to get in touch with me on his own? I didn't tell him this, but I did say I was a little irked he never got in touch with me last night since he had said that he would. I said it's no big deal, but I just thought i should let you know. I tried to downplay my reaction since I didn't want to come off as nagging. He apologized and explained that his friend had called him last night right before his class and asked him if he wanted to go to this bar on the lower east side where an event was happening. He ended up going and getting drunk and stumbling back pretty late. It's pretty out of character for him to get drunk. He drinks a bit socially, but I've never seen him outright drunk. My first thought was...did he flirt with other girls or did something happen at this bar? I just had this bad feeling. I said to him "I guess I have this weird paranoia about guys cheating on me...I'm not really sure where it comes from." He said he could understand where I was coming from. I said it's no big deal and he has every right to hang out with his friends and get drunk if he so chooses. He then said that he feels guilty about getting drunk for some reason even if nothing "solacious" happened. I assured him that getting drunk in itself was no biggie. I said he can do whatever he wants, as long as we're always honest with each other. He replied "well we have been thusfar if that's what you're getting at." Okay, so maybe his story is completely legit and nothing happened...but I have this nagging feeling. Something just doesn't seem right. Why would he feel so guilty about just being drunk if nothing happened? I could sense his guilt...he seemed awkward in our conversation even before I brought anything up. Also, the whole thing is just out of character for him. It's weird. What do you guys think? I should add that in general he's a very decent, honest person.
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Also, do you guys think it was a bad idea for me to mention the fact that he never got in touch with me? I'm always scared of nagging, so I rarely do that kind of thing. In fact I think this is the first time I've ever told him something he did bothered me. (We've been together 4 months). But will this now make things awkward between us? Because I still don't completely trust him my instinct now is to pull back, but maybe it would be better to just forget about the whole thing and act like it never happened. What do you think?
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 This is the fifth thread this month (at least) I've seen from you being irrationally jealous/insecure. Are you sure there's not some underlying problem, either with your relationship or yourself? If you're having trouble trusting him over something this small, and since it seems to be soemthing new every week, maybe you should just end this relationship and find someone who makes you genuinely happy.
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 This is the fifth thread this month (at least) I've seen from you being irrationally jealous/insecure. Are you sure there's not some underlying problem, either with your relationship or yourself? If you're having trouble trusting him over something this small, and since it seems to be soemthing new every week, maybe you should just end this relationship and find someone who makes you genuinely happy. but I think I'd be this insecure in any relationship. In fact, I have been. It's just that my new bf is more social than my previous bfs were so I trust him less. I don't want to end the relationship because I really love him and he makes me extremely happy when we're together. I guess it's because I've heard so many horror stories about guys cheating that I feel like most guys will do it if they have the opportunity.
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 About 25% of guys will cheat, and 20% of women, from the polls I've seen. You are in a relationship. It's going to happen sometimes when someone doesn't call you when you expect it, because you both have your own lives. It's not a big deal. If it were Christmas, and he was on the west coast and you on the east, and he didn't call you back until 1am after you had gone to bed, then you'd have every reason to be pissed. But unless this is a pattern, let it go. He was likely out with people. It's hard to be 100% available all the time, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong.
Replicant Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 It's just that my new bf is more social than my previous bfs were so I trust him less. I don't want to end the relationship because I really love him and he makes me extremely happy when we're together. I guess it's because I've heard so many horror stories about guys cheating that I feel like most guys will do it if they have the opportunity. Why not heed your own advice and remove yourself from LS, asking for advice is fine... but you are literally processing your entire relationship through LS on a weekly basis. How would your boyfriend feel if he knew you were doing this? Not confronting him about the issues that bother you, or just telling the dude you are messed up and getting medical help. If he cared he would stick by you, if not you will definitely be seeing the reality of him moving onto another woman if he's not testing those waters already. You post to others advocating things like 'dont be too clingy' 'don't be too controlling' well....what the hell is this above ^^^^. You are trying to control his level of communication to what is demanded by you. Meaning (He was supposed to call, therefore HE SHOULD CALL no excuses or else consequences) He could have been out for drinks with the guys, and decided not too call too late. Or maybe was drunk, tired, internet disconnected. Who knows. But i absolutely think you have not been fair to this guy, and to even flip out about these things just shows this relationship is not healthy even if you believe it to be 2 out of 7 days a week.
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Why not heed your own advice and remove yourself from LS, asking for advice is fine... but you are literally processing your entire relationship through LS on a weekly basis. How would your boyfriend feel if he knew you were doing this? Not confronting him about the issues that bother you, or just telling the dude you are messed up and getting medical help. If he cared he would stick by you, if not you will definitely be seeing the reality of him moving onto another woman if he's not testing those waters already. You post to others advocating things like 'dont be too clingy' 'don't be too controlling' well....what the hell is this above ^^^^. You are trying to control his level of communication to what is demanded by you. Meaning (He was supposed to call, therefore HE SHOULD CALL no excuses or else consequences) He could have been out for drinks with the guys, and decided not too call too late. Or maybe was drunk, tired, internet disconnected. Who knows. But i absolutely think you have not been fair to this guy, and to even flip out about these things just shows this relationship is not healthy even if you believe it to be 2 out of 7 days a week. The way I put it was really non confrontational, though. I've pasted it here: "can i say one thing. i'm not that upset, but it did kind of irk me that you didn't get in touch with me last night when you said you would. it's not really a big deal, i just thought i should let you know." Ugh, now the formatting is screwed up. Later I added: "no, it's cool. you have every right to have fun with your friends and get drunk. as long as we're always honest with each other" Is this really that unreasonable? Mind you I've never confronted him about poor communication before. I just think that a guy should call when he says he'll call. I guess in the future I'll let this kind of thing go.
blueberry sundae Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 1. You don't want a guy who goes out drinking all the time. So, don't tell a guy he can go get drunk whenever he want and that's fine with you. 2. When a guy doesn't message you or call you when he says he's going to, you do not call him on hit. You do not email him or call him saying "Why did you not call?" In fact you don't contact him at all. When he does get a hold of you, you are very "oh. I didn't even realize it. I was out." And that's it. Then, you don't call him or contact him for a while. He should do that. Because you are the woman. And if you are anxious and pursuing HIM, you WILL lose him. that's why you're having these doubts, because you kind of blew it by calling him on his not calling.
Author shadowplay Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 1. You don't want a guy who goes out drinking all the time. So, don't tell a guy he can go get drunk whenever he want and that's fine with you. 2. When a guy doesn't message you or call you when he says he's going to, you do not call him on hit. You do not email him or call him saying "Why did you not call?" In fact you don't contact him at all. When he does get a hold of you, you are very "oh. I didn't even realize it. I was out." And that's it. Then, you don't call him or contact him for a while. He should do that. Because you are the woman. And if you are anxious and pursuing HIM, you WILL lose him. that's why you're having these doubts, because you kind of blew it by calling him on his not calling. Yup, you're right. I always blow things like this and then regret it later. I wish I had more judgment in the moment. I can't believe I made the same mistake I tell so many girls not to.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 2. When a guy doesn't message you or call you when he says he's going to, you do not call him on hit. You do not email him or call him saying "Why did you not call?" In fact you don't contact him at all. When he does get a hold of you, you are very "oh. I didn't even realize it. I was out." And that's it. Then, you don't call him or contact him for a while. He should do that. Because you are the woman. And if you are anxious and pursuing HIM, you WILL lose him. that's why you're having these doubts, because you kind of blew it by calling him on his not calling. I agree with this. From the threads of yours I've read, it seems like your life revolves around this guy and hinges on his every word, while he is out having a normal life--although, to be fair, this may not be an accurate representation of you since this is a HELP forum, after all, and you are simply using it for its purpose. But nonetheless, if he doesn't call on the minute he's supposed to, it's a red flag that your first thought is that he was flirting with other girls/cheating on you. Also: you say it's "out of character" for him to get drunk, but haven't you only been together a couple months? How well do you really know his character in such a short time?
Author shadowplay Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 I agree with this. From the threads of yours I've read, it seems like your life revolves around this guy and hinges on his every word, while he is out having a normal life--although, to be fair, this may not be an accurate representation of you since this is a HELP forum, after all, and you are simply using it for its purpose. But nonetheless, if he doesn't call on the minute he's supposed to, it's a red flag that your first thought is that he was flirting with other girls/cheating on you. Also: you say it's "out of character" for him to get drunk, but haven't you only been together a couple months? How well do you really know his character in such a short time? 4 months. My life doesn't revolve around him, believe it or not. I'm in school and I have other things going on. I just tend to spend all my spare time obsessing.
Kamille Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 4 months. My life doesn't revolve around him, believe it or not. I'm in school and I have other things going on. I just tend to spend all my spare time obsessing. Then find something else to do in your spare time . Yoga is great. Or reading. Taking a bath. Going for a walk. Watching a movie. Hanging out with friends. Playing with the dog. All things that keep you from obsessing.
blueberry sundae Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 It is not too late for an intervention. You stop making him the center of your life NOW. Don't answer the phone everyday, don't answer every single email. Get The Rules. Even if you don't follow them to the word, you will get the idea and use them enough. However, if you do follow them, he will be very dying to see you and he won't be able to call you enough. It's not too late.
Replicant Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 "no, it's cool. you have every right to have fun with your friends and get drunk. as long as we're always honest with each other" Is this really that unreasonable? Mind you I've never confronted him about poor communication before. I just think that a guy should call when he says he'll call. I guess in the future I'll let this kind of thing go. What you said in the first quotation was just fine. You made the point it's fine he goes and does things on his own with friends and whatnot, but also stressing honesty. Thus you've defined your expectations. If he goes against that like messing with other women, lying, excessive non communication or just things outside normal boundaries then you have better means to confront him and do what it takes to deal with it. Repeatedly flipping out over small stuff will more than likely make him become dishonest out of spite maybe. So if poor communication bothers you, and it's an ongoing thing then yeah bring it up. But one missed phone call is not worth it.
Star Gazer Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 You're missing Replicant's point: "You are trying to control his level of communication to what is demanded by you. Meaning (He was supposed to call, therefore HE SHOULD CALL no excuses or else consequences)" Although your message to him was reasonable, flipping out about it internally (or here on LS) reflects your desire to control his level of communication and reflects some very unreasonable expectations and disappointment from one missed phone call. Chill out.
spookie Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Shadow, you remind me of myself and honestly I think we could both use some therapy. We both definteily spend far too much time overanalyzing. While you claim you try not to let it show, even if that's true (unlikely... your bf probably senses your tnesion when antyhing he does is "off") all the ovanalyzation is stopping you from fully enjoying the relationship. And becuase it places such high expectations on him, yu're preventing him from freely falling in love with you, too. So you're potentially helping some self-fulfilling prophecies along. Regarding this incident... I woudl feel EXACTLY the same way you do, but that's not the healthy reaction. THe healthy reaction would be not even realizing that he hasn't called because you are busy with a life of your own. Also, I will say that because you are both so young, if you want this to last you have to give him leeway in terms to experiences, bad decisions, etc. The early/ mid twenties are when people sow their wild oats. If you expect to stay with him through the trails, it has to be ok for him to have some experiences (short of cheating, of course) that allow him to understand what the young and carefree lifestyle is all about. You ought to expect fideltiy, but it's unreasonable to expect that he act in such a way that all your insecurities are assuaged. And the thing with cheating is, either someone will do it or they won't, and if they do, you will eventually find out. If you have faith in this logic, you'll loosen up regarding wanting to know where he is every minute and if he's cheating on you or not.
oppath Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 You're missing Replicant's point: "You are trying to control his level of communication to what is demanded by you. Meaning (He was supposed to call, therefore HE SHOULD CALL no excuses or else consequences)" Although your message to him was reasonable, flipping out about it internally (or here on LS) reflects your desire to control his level of communication and reflects some very unreasonable expectations and disappointment from one missed phone call. Chill out. I agree. Now, if he didn't call you on your birthday, or Christmas, or some holiday, for example, when you expected his call, it would be different, as those days hold more significance. But in the big picture, he DID try to contact you. He was thinking about you. The word SHOULD means SH*T. Replace should with "it would be nice" whenever you think about your bf and his behaviors. I'd think about it like this, "it would be nice if he were to have called or IMed, but he was going to be busy. That doesn't mean I am not a priority to him. I'm sure there are going to be times when I don't call him back right away or when he expects, so this isn't a big deal unless there is a pattern behind it, or he acts distant for a few days." I basically just ended it with a girl over this EXACT situation, only she is not my gf. I called her back when I got to a party, and I was willing to take 15 minutes to talk to her. I could have at most called her 10 minutes earlier on the drive to the party after my football game. Because I told her I would call her after the game, she was mad at me for not calling until I got to the party, as there was no excuse for me not to have called because I told her I would call her, therefore I should, no excuses. She entirely missed the point that I DID call her and I WAS WILLING to make time to talk. This is ONE time where your bf hasn't given you EXACTLY what you wanted. There are going to be many times when he doesn't do this. If this were a signifitcant day for you and him that he missed, I'd rail him for it, but as it is, let it go. Sit back and assess the big picture. That way, you'll catch a pattern for sure, but you won't overreact to a small event.
Author shadowplay Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 I basically just ended it with a girl over this EXACT situation, only she is not my gf. I called her back when I got to a party, and I was willing to take 15 minutes to talk to her. I could have at most called her 10 minutes earlier on the drive to the party after my football game. Because I told her I would call her after the game, she was mad at me for not calling until I got to the party, as there was no excuse for me not to have called because I told her I would call her, therefore I should, no excuses. She entirely missed the point that I DID call her and I WAS WILLING to make time to talk. . Wow, was that the only reason you broke up with her, or is there more to the story? Ok, ok...you guys are right. I need to chill out on this stuff. I didn't realize doing something like that could cause so much damage. Luckily he's pretty forgiving in general, but everybody has their limits so I won't test them again. And, yes, you're right Stargazer that I need to stop obsessing about it as well and not try to control his communication. It all starts in my head and that's where I have to nip it in the bud. Spookie: I've also noticed some similarity between our obsessive/insecure behavior. I actually just started seeing a psychiatrist recently -- I think I have a touch of OCD. Unfortunately, I don't know how much she's helping. She's a good listener but she rarely offers advice. I may try to look for somebody less passive. Have you ever been in therapy? My attitude toward therapy and anything else is it doesn't work unless you make a real effort help yourself. Somebody else can't do it for you. I need to be more proactive in doing that.
oppath Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Wow, was that the only reason you broke up with her, or is there more to the story? Actually, she ended it with me, and things like that happened a bunch of times, at least once a week. I don't think she is needy, I just think we aren't right for each other. She opened our conversation with exactly that the day after our tiff. I'm merely trying to illustrate: look at the BIG PICTURE. One jigsaw piece that doesn't fit the way you'd like it doesn't mean the entire thing is incorrect. Let that piece go and focus on the others that do fit, and come back to it later if you have more like it that don't fit.
Author shadowplay Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Guess what just arrived in the mail: "Why Men Love Bitches." I usually hate self help books but this one looked good. We'll see.
fray718 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I once a dated this guy where one night my phone rang while I was with him and I just silenced it. He asked right away why I didnt pick up n I said it's just my mom and I'll call her back later. A minute later the phone rang again and he immediately grabbed it out of my purse before I could even react to it and looked at the front of the phone where it displays who's calling then gave it to me (it really was my mom n I saw the relief on his face once he saw I did not lie to him). I looked at him shocked. It was like he just HAD to know whether I was cheating on him or something. His insecurity really freaked me out. Ofcourse this is an extreme example but it just shows u that insecurities are a real turn off to the one its acted out upon and for the one who has them, it really causes alot of unnecessary anxiety.
spookie Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Spookie: I've also noticed some similarity between our obsessive/insecure behavior. I actually just started seeing a psychiatrist recently -- I think I have a touch of OCD. Unfortunately, I don't know how much she's helping. She's a good listener but she rarely offers advice. I may try to look for somebody less passive. Have you ever been in therapy? My attitude toward therapy and anything else is it doesn't work unless you make a real effort help yourself. Somebody else can't do it for you. I need to be more proactive in doing that. I've never been to a therapist but I'm going to make an appointment soon at my school. I think what I need even more than psychiatric type help though is a life counselor type figure to tell me what to do to get out of the mess my life is in... because honestly I think I use obsession as escapism from my various very real and pressing problems. I feel if everything else fell into place, my "craziness" would dissipate. But either way, I think therapy is a good start. I'm glad you're trying to help yourself. If this therapist isn't helping, maybe, like you said, someone less passive would.
lino Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 4 months. My life doesn't revolve around him, believe it or not. I'm in school and I have other things going on. I just tend to spend all my spare time obsessing. Shadowplay!!!!!! I remember you saying you were gonna try your best not to do this! No offense, but if this is your best then.... Honestly, if you were my gf and reacted like that after I went out drinking with my mates then I would be far from impressed. I wouldn't get angry or leave you because of it but I'd clearly tell you to ease up or things aren't gonna be so great for much longer. You REALLY need to occupy your mind with other things or you WILL push your bf away. If a guy has ABSOLUTELY no reason to be suspected of being a cheater then acting the way like you did in this situation comes off really annoying & unattractive. I've never been with a needy/clingy girl and have to admit I'd like to one day date a girl who's a bit like that but the way you've acted in this situation isn't needy or clingy IMO, you're just unfairly assuming things of him which isn't right. Unless of course you know something of him that would bring you to think that but I haven't seen you post about anything of the sort. IMHO your problem doesn't lie with guys & insecurities surrounding them so much. You've mentioned before you have no girlfirends and I honestly believe this is your biggest problem and the main thing you should be working on. Without having the girls to hang out with and to talk to about things with, your mind will always be occupied with these thoughts of yours and that will lead you to reacting in a way such as you did in this situation you're describing here. Would you agree with this or not? Also, from the way you appear on LS you seem like a genuinely great girl who IMO would be a great gf. You come across as very loyal and happy to please your guy which I think is good. However reacting to such a situation in the way you did isn't good & neither is obsessing about it so much. You just gotta ease up ok? Someone mentioned yoga, would that interest you? It'd relax you and also give an opportunity to make female friends. I think it's a good idea
Ariadne Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Hey you, I've been following your threads. I have other things going on. I just tend to spend all my spare time obsessing. I'm exactly like that, too. But you know, in this case, all you can do is watch and enjoy the moments life brings you. What's going to happen is going to happen and you can't prevent or change things from going in whatever way it is they are going. Some things just have a life of their own. I also don't believe in repressing feelings. Say you were upset the guy didn't call and act, oh, is ok honey, I don't care. I believe it's better to be true to yourself otherwise you just build resentment. That is not going to change the outcome either, if anything, being something you are not increases the chances for things to fall apart. Ariadne
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