wmrjw82 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Okay it's been about a month since I last talked to the ex. So last night I wrote out this long email basically apologizing for certain things and telling her my point of view. I haven't sent it yet. In it, I basically put "I realize now that I can never be forgiven for my childish actions but I hate the negativity that remains between us." It's basically a need to reach out to her. Not sure why, but this is the first time i've taken responsibility for certain actions which we had completely different view points on. There was never any infidelity but there was a definite loss of trust on both sides. I guess my question is. Will I seem like a child for apologizing for things? That's what one friend of mine told me. That I should just act like a man and move on. A part of me feels that if I don't send this letter she'll never see how things were from my point of view. What do you guys think?
niceguy27 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132026/ I had a thread just like this. You can read it above. Got A LOT of advice. Wont tell you what happened till you read it I will tell you that my decision took me about a week or so to make. I sat on it for a while before I did. This forum has a lot of info on here so make sure you read and re read to get a good understanding of yourself and your actions. You seem to have put a little bit of time and distance from you and your ex. Hopefully enough to have had time to think with a clear head. Good luck!
funkybassplayer Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 maybe say you want to say sorry for any pain your caused her, but you did your best, but dont take full blame for the break up, but also dont send anything if your doing it for a reply. Say your bit, and leave it with her.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I would wait. I had the same delimma at about the same time you did (about a month in) and I sent an e-mail. It sounds like it had the same basic subject matter as yours did. Later, when I went through the anger stage, I was so ticked that'd I'd done it (because I felt it was too forgiving of him) and even today, I still sort of regret it. I'm not saying to delete it, but a month in isn't very long at all. As time goes by, you'll come to new discoveries and new conclusions and you'll wish you could have shared those also. I think it's best to hold off for a little bit, give it more time, and then send it (if at all). That's just my perspective.
Spinderella Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I think its nice to acknowledge your own part to play in a difficult break up, but I also think its very early days, so be sure of how you feel. Being forgiving to an ex is a fine trait, but theres no point in verbalising it, until you have truly reached it. It sounds to me like this is more about the making contact part, and for that reason, I would suggest you sit on it for another month.
brothermartin Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I would take SPINDERELLA'S advice. It dose like you're just looking to make contact. If you do it now, she might see through it and all your efforts will backfire. Sit tight, man. When the time comes to let her know, you'll know. On the bright side, better late than never, I think.
Author wmrjw82 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 you guys are absolutely right. I need to be strong. I realize this was just brought on by seeing her friends last friday. If i contacted her now she would see right through it. Tell me though... the last contact i had with her was her rejecting my marriage proposal. That was about a month ago. If for some reason she was sorry and wanted me back, do you think she would be too scared to contact me because she rejected something that important to me? I mean, what if she thinks i hate her? I just don't want to see love waisted because of pride if she ever does want me back. Thoughts?
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 If someone wants to be with you, they'll move heaven and earth and risk rejection to do so. I mean, that's true in your case, right? She's told you she doesn't want you, yet you are willing to put yourself out there and get rejected again. Well, so would she.
funkybassplayer Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 i took 6 months for me to write the letter, but as a lot of time passed, so did the need for a reply, and therfor i wrote lovely things and the letter was briefe, forgiving to us both, and loving. You will know when its right time to send something, you will feel it, and when you do send it, it will be a good feeling, and not 1 of axiousness, that she will pick up on even from pen to paper.
brothermartin Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Why did she turn you down, when you proposed?
Author wmrjw82 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 We weren't together anymore when I asked her. I know it was stupid but she kept telling me things through text message that while we were in the relationship all she wanted me to do was show her how important she was to me. I thought the best way to do that was to propose. Then she came back with "this isn't fair to me".... so I imagine it had something along the lines of not loving or feeling the same way about me anymore (which was what i think i was trying to figure out through a sign of ultimate commitment). She would never tell me she doesn't love me (even though i told her to not worry about hurting my feelings as long as i know the truth)...i would always get some cop out like "i love you but i feel like we're not meant to be together".... really immature imo. But anyway, that's why i popped the question. I've been thinking more and more about this email and maybe i should just put something together short and sweet that says, "I want you to know i have no ill feelings towards you. I shouldn't have put the pressure of marriage on you when you obviously didn't feel the same way about me anymore. Sorry for the pain I caused you and the trust that was eroded mostly because of my insecurities and selfishness with the (guy's name) situation. Those actions obviously carried over into our other issues and just messed up everything royally. You were right, I didn't forgive you at the time. I did the best I could and hopefully we can be friends someday when your wall comes down. I know I don't deserve another chance so I won't bother you anymore about it. I wish I could turn back time to february and do things completely different but I just can't. I know once that feeling goes away it doesn't come back (it happened to (my ex) too) so thanks for the memories and I will always cherish our good times together. I'm sure I will never compare to (her ex) and (her other ex) in your eyes for my actions but you meant more to me than you will ever know and I wish you nothing but happiness always. Love, (my name)" I know I won't send this for a little while but what do you guys think of this. Not too long and it shows her I have no ill feelings towards her and have accepted that its over. At the same time, it also shows the regret I have. Thoughts?
brothermartin Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Too much. Dont mention any ex's, leaves you open to scrutiny. Maybe a little less putting yourself down and more just accepting responsibilty and apologizing for your actions. And nothing about what you think SHE thinks. That could backfire. In general, give her less to READ into because she will if you do. In my opinion, you should'nt send her anything. The only reason Im giving you this advise is because your're a man, like me. Its our NATURE to try and "fix whatever is broken." And believe me, I know how hard it is to resist what your nature demands of you. So do what you feel you need to do, but be aware that you may not get the results you want,.. or need.
Lishy Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Dont even think about sending that awful mail! What is it you want to say? That just read like a load of waffle to me! You can be friends when her wall comes down??????? It is like a load of psychological mishmash. what is it that you are trying to gain from this mail you want to send her? Do you want her back? Do you want her to reply? Think about what results you would like and be honest
Author wmrjw82 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 Dont even think about sending that awful mail! What is it you want to say? That just read like a load of waffle to me! You can be friends when her wall comes down??????? It is like a load of psychological mishmash. what is it that you are trying to gain from this mail you want to send her? Do you want her back? Do you want her to reply? Think about what results you would like and be honest Wow. I'm glad i didn't put up the 4 page one I'm so bad at this crap. See the thing about the wall is that is her excuse as to why we can't be together anymore she says that her "wall is so high now she doesn't even want it"... so that's what I was addressing. I guess what i want to gain from this is for her to know that i'm not some sappy loser that is still pining away for her, has accepted the situation for what it is, and admitting things that i never told her before. I suppose half for closure and half to know that i have told her everything i need to tell her so i don't have any regrets. I'm so bad at this crap and so confused on what to say. You took one look at that and were totally pissed off and that's not what I want her reaction to be. I want her damn wall to come down!!!! If i said "i love you and miss you and want you back" it would look completely pathetic because if a marriage proposal doesn't work a simple email isn't going to do a damn thing. Therefore, i'm going for the next best thing which is perhaps becoming a friend and letting her know i accept her decision and realize how she feels about me.
Author wmrjw82 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 Okay i've revised this and tried to be as brief as possible and take some of you posters advice. What do you think... "Listen, I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you a few things. I don’t expect a reply or response in any way so don’t think that’s the reason for this letter. I realize just how childish I acted both during and after the relationship by acting on my emotions and insecurities. I’m sorry for putting the pressure of a marriage proposal on you when we weren‘t even dating. I just wanted to show you how important you were to me and how much I loved you. I’ve had time to sit and think about my controlling behavior during the relationship and where it came from. That’s when I realized you were right about me not forgiving you about (guy's name). I was insecure and that insecurity carried over into many different issues and messed everything up. I want to apologize for any pain I caused you during the relationship and the situation with (my ex). I realize now that even though I was trying to help her out with her suicidal issues I should have just told her to deal with her own problems and not put your trust in me at risk. I lied to your face at the club in (city) because I didn’t want it to be an issue during “our” night. I should have been straight up with you. No excuses. I also should have stopped talking to her since you made it a point to stop talking to (guy) for me. I guess it just felt good to know I wasn’t the only one who could get jealous. It was a horrible thing to do. I don’t honestly know what I mean to you anymore but you and (her daughter) showed me what it was to feel love again and I will never forget that. I’m sorry I blew the only chance you were willing to give me. I will always cherish our good times together and I hope all of your dreams come true and you never change being the great person you are. Love Always (my name)" Thoughts?
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 It's obvious you want to send her a letter, despite all of the advice you've been given to the contrary. Just send her what you want to send her, and be prepared for it to completely backfire. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but you are obviously very determined, so expect to open yourself up to more pain. What words you send her probably won't even matter.
Author wmrjw82 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 What words you send her probably won't even matter. Why is that?
brothermartin Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Because she dose'nt want to hear what you have to say. Anything you say or do with her in mind now would only cause her more pain and that would push her further away from you. I didnt read all of your last letter, but I can tell you it dosent matter. She wants to be in her own little world now, and you sending her a letter or a call or a txt. is you intruding into that safe little world, AND SHE WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT! As crazy as this might sound, she wants to be in pain! She wants to be angry at you and herself and she dose'nt want you trying to change that because that tells her that you think she needs you to save her. Understand? STOP TRYING TO FIX IT.
Author wmrjw82 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 As crazy as this might sound, she wants to be in pain! Explain please. I have self control and told you I have no plans on sending this anytime soon. Why would anyone want to be in pain
brothermartin Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 What I meant by that is this. I don't think she wants you to come into her world and interrupt her course of pain and coping. She wants to go through it without you getting involved. If you do, it might lead her to feel that she's weak and can't handle this herself. Maybe, and Im just going by my own experiences with women, she wants to work through the pain to prove to herself that she can. Thats what I mean.
Author wmrjw82 Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 Why can't I just let her go? It's been a month and she rejected a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. You'd think that'd be a ****ing wake up call for me. If she had any feelings for me she would have contacted me by now. Why do I keep thinking she feels something for me? I probably just make her feel guilty with every attempt I make to contact her because she doesn't feel the same way about me. God I hate this. I thought I was over this crap and ever since I saw her friends last weekend it all came back. I just want to be released......
funkybassplayer Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 if shes just silent,, it could be shes coping with the loss as well, and this is her way, otherwise, she would say, iv moved on, and you do the same. Its best to leave her be for the moment, and i would think at best you may hope one day to be friends, but a romantic relationship sounds like a no no.
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