Unseenchange Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 This is my first post to this forum.. I found it today and have been reading for a couple hours now. I really enjoy reading everyones different perspectives and input. Anyhow... here is the situation. I was in a relationship for almost ten years. We broke up twice prior to this break up once at 21 for almost a year and again at 23 for almost 7 months. I always did NC because she always broke up with me. Eventually she came back around. I am now 25 about to turn 26. We were each others first for everything.. first love, first sexual experiences.. everything. She was whole heartedly in the relationship up until this last time we got together which only lasted 6 months. Honestly, she is by far the best girlfriend anyone could ask for. Beautiful, super kind, humble and affectionate. I can easily say I was the a** in the relationship. I cheated, and mistreated her. I was always in love with her.. yet because of my immaturity I continued to cheat up until this last time we got together. Which was in January of this year. I tried to do a complete turn around. Spent more time together, tried to show her I loved her, bought her gifts, talked about a serious serious commitment like marriage and living together. Like before we were seeing each other almost everyday. Then on the fourth of July, I was all excited to see her and spend time with her, she had made plans to hangout with her family and not me. She then continued to tell me she needed space... four weeks later she ended completely. I know there were so many things that I did wrong... so so many. Every single one which I regret. I know I have completely lost her trust and honestly think she is completely done... I took her for granted and she walked away. Since that day I have tried talking to her and convincing her not to leave. I sent her flowers, sent her text telling her I missed her, everything I could possibly think of doing. I cried the last time we saw each other and she would just hold me.. but say nothing. That was at the end of July... I spoke to her last Tuesday... and had been doing so about twice a week for the last couple of months. Every time we spoke she would ask why are you calling... leave me alone. She would tell me she hated me and that there is nothing I can do to save the relationship. Being completely spiteful... cursing at me, dogging me.. everything and anything possible. She even got to the point where she said she wished she didn't have morals so she could sleep with all of my friends and see how it made me feel. I did cheat on her... but when I was finally ready.. I came clean with everything. I did not cheat on her again. Yes, this is almost nine years down the road but I was seriously waiting for her to even consider marriage so i could ask her. I know it was really late in the game to have come clean and I should have much much sooner. Anyhow I have pleaded with her for months now.. with absolutely no change in her attitude. She outright saids she hates me for not being honest, that she hates my family for keeping it from her and that she will never ever get back with me. Words which in our previous breakups she never used. I know I am absolutely the one at fault. I have tried anything possible to get her to see me... she won't do it. She has told me repeatedly not to show up at her house... which I have not done. I have tried and tried to explain to her that I am more mature and that I have no desire to be with any other women and that I love her terribly. Its strange because like I mentioned earlier I always walked away when we broke up... even though I was at fault she always seemed to forgive me. This time I came clean, tried to give her what she said she wanted and tried to get her to understand how committed I was to the relationship. There are so many details that I have left out, yet at the end of the day I know its my fault. Now that I have groveled and begged and tried everything to get her back... I think I have hit a point of absolute devestation. It hurts to much at this point to try to prove to her that I am changed man any more. Now, that I am walking away... and probably for the last time I wonder, why she continued pickup my calls, talking to me on text and IM... if she knew I was hurting and wanted her back. Why would she tell me to leave her alone.. yet conversate with me for almost an hour at a time.. even though half the time I was deflecting derogatory remarks. Was this not helping her see that I was serious this time? Also, the last time I spoke to her she told me she was planning to move to New York in six months, we currently live in Va. But before the conversation was over I asked her one final time.. will you please reconsider, she said yes but not now and not for a long while.... This is my time she said and I will do as I please. She then said if it was meant to be then whatever but if not oh well. What the hell does this all mean? From female's perspective, Is there anything I could possibly do to get her back? She has never ever been this spiteful or shown so much scorn... I know I was an a** and have tried to prove to her that I am changed.. because for the first time in my life... I know I am. How can I prove it to her? She saids I am selfish because I won't listen to her and I won't leave her alone.... is this what she really wants? I am so confused and have tried to write in unbiased way. I am at complete fault for the failure of the relationship. But I thought love always found a way.. and now that I am absolutely dedicated have beared myself completely to her she wants nothing to do with me.... What is there to do?
norajane Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 There is nothing you can do. It's too late. She doesn't see you the same way she did before, and she doesn't trust you, and she's pissed off at you. All you can do is leave her alone as she requests. Live your life with your new-found fidelity, and make sure you don't cheat on future girlfriends. As she said, maybe some years down the road if your paths cross and you've had some practice with being faithful, she might reconsider, if she hasn't already created a life with someone else. Why would she tell me to leave her alone.. yet conversate with me for almost an hour at a time.. even though half the time I was deflecting derogatory remarks. Was this not helping her see that I was serious this time? Because she had a lot to say to you - a lot of anger and recriminations for doing what you did to her. She needed to get it all out.
Author Unseenchange Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Norajane.. I really respect your honest opinion and thank you. It really hurts to hear what you say but at the same time its whats best I suppose. I Love her so dearly but I guess I matured to slowly. I can only hope for the best I suppose.
Author Unseenchange Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 I know its real lengthy.. but please ladies in particular add your input.
amythan Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I am sorry to say that but it is done. You love someone so much, trust him and give so many opportunities and one day ... you are done. And it is nothing you can do because she does not trust you and she tried too many times. My experience.
ninjaturtles Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 You need to just let he be for the mean time..you have told her you want her back etc. there is nothing you can do except give it time. I choose to differ however, that it is over..not necessarily. I have seen instances where men cheat and stuff, and the women say they are not taking back etc, but eventually things work it. 10 years ia not a short time. Yes it may be over for good, but not necessarily..well I guess nothing is certain in this world....Anyway, just give it time....It may even mean her dating other guys.....You just need to let her live life without you..only then can she make up her mind about if she really wants you out of her life for ever... Stay strong, I can imagine how you feel...but you need to let her be as hard as it may seem. Yes you messed up, but at least you've told her how you feel etc, so the ball is in her court..she either forgives you or she doesnt...unfortunaely you have no control over that....you've done your best..leave the rest and get on with life... its hard, but if its meant to be, it will be.xx
Author Unseenchange Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 AmyThan and Ninjaturtles I thank you both for giving me more input. Obviously I would like to think more like Ninjaturtles and hopefully with time she may reconsider... I just don't know what is healthier.. to have an optimistic approach and hold on to a even a smidgen of hope or to give it up completely. I am under the impression she will want to date other men and honestly its more then fair if she does... I would want her to come back ().. if she comes back knowing she really wants to try to start over. After ten years and being my first love.. its so hard to let her go.. even if she tells me that is what she wants. I suppose if it is in the cards we will cross paths and reunite... because at the end of it all she does truly know how I feel. I have completely let her know for the last few months... and I just can't take the rejection anymore. I think it is easier to just back away and completely give her full control... and be okay with knowing she has complete control of our destiny. I hope that one day she will be able to see the change in me.. and want to allow us to share a life again. If not then I suppose I can only wish her the best and hope someone else will give her what I couldn't.
alwayshurt Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I feel for you man. I had a similar situation, I didn't cheat but let this person very down. She cancelled me from her life no matter how much I begged her to come back to me. It was wussie and stupid from me but i didn't know any better at that time. I wish I had found this board back then; probably I would have had another chance. The ladies are right. It is probably over...for good. But you have an option here. Show her how much you love her by leaving her alone and let her be. Wish her well and move on. After all, affection and love are also shown by the respect and appreciation that is given to a person even when things don't turn out the way we would hoped them to.
Author Unseenchange Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Alwayshurt - You know as much as I have pleaded and tried to show her how much I love her and get rejected.... I don't regret it. I have stopped and I am on my third day of not calling her.. and it feels like its been years. I guess letting her go is my only option... because there is no other option. I just hope that as strong as our love was in the past, that maybe just maybe we can get back to where we once were. Thanks for your post bud.
DanP7626 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Hi mate. Listen, I feel your pain! Ive been through the same situation and it sucks big time But you've gotta give her time and space... Its the only way! All the things you are doing are just pushing her further away... As harsh as it may sound, its the truth! You say you are on your 3rd day of not calling her? You have to keep this up, dont call her at all! Dont even get in contact with her, all be it via Text, IM, E-Mail, for atleast 3-4 weeks. If she truly feels something for you then she will be in contact! But you must not initiate any kind of contact with her! Like ninjaturtles said: If its meant to be its meants to be! And if she comes to realise what she has lost, the love she once had, and the love she may lose, then she will be in contact! Take my word for it. I really do hope that you get things sorted, because you sound like you really do love this girl! But if its meant to be, then its meant to be... And she will let you know, all be it in 3-4 weeks or even 3-4 months, if she realises what she could potentially lose then she will be in touch! Stay strong my friend. Deep down i do believe that you will get her back, but only if you go about it the right way! Dan
norajane Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 That's very optimistic, DanP7626. You've never been cheated on, have you, much less over the course of TEN years?
daphne Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 It's interesting how Dan suggests that your ex will consider what she has lost. I'm afraid that the possibility of you getting her back, at this point are pretty slim. She wants to move on with her life and see what else is out there, now that she knows the truth. Now that you've told her the truth, she sees you for who you are and, unfortunately, you are no longer special compared to other men. You are a dog to her and she doesn't respect you. She feels like her love for you was a lie because she didn't know who you were. I think teh only way to help your chances is to stop pushing and stay in nc for a while. A very long while. In my opinion, I believe it would be foolish of her to give you another chance, however, she may start to miss you. Let her miss you. That's the only hope you have.
AriaIncognito Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 My opinion probably wont be popular either. Other posters talk about her reflecting back and realizing what she has lost. It seems to me if she does this reflecting, it'll reinforce that what she has done, is right, because she'll be rid of a habitual cheater. Sure, you say you have changed, but as the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I'm pretty sure there's good reason that saying came about. Maybe you are recovered. Maybe you'll never cheat again, however, this girl has been CRUSHED by you, and you basically want her to look at you and think you're worth the risk again? That's a HUGE thing to ask of her. If, and this is a HUGE if, if she were to reconsider, I'd highly doubt it would be 3-4 weeks or 3-4 months as the other poster mentioned. I think a lot of life, and a few relationships, will have to pass by in order for her to move forward. She is now going to have to learn to trust men again, because you broke that trust and she will inevitably carry that into her next relationship. Sure you didn't set out to hurt her, but guess what, not only did you hurt her, you did it repeatedly, and you want her to look at that behavior and just say "eh it's ok". It doesn't really work that way. Her taking you back would moreso suggest that it's OK for you to do as you please, at this point. I dont think that's the right path for her, and it certainly isn't the right path for you. I speak of this because my most recent ex didn't cheat physically on me, but I know he cheated emotionally on me. It hurts like a M-fer and when I think about him now, while I still remember the good times, I also see a man that looked at me and decided I wasn't enough for him so he went elsewhere. No woman can truly stay in love with a man if she constantly has to question his love for her. Move on and learn from this mistake. Don't bother her. Keep NC for her sake. And yes, this is a female opinion. Gook luck to you.
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