Heartbrokenprincess Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I'd like to apologize in advance if this is a bit lengthy, but I would like to provide as many details as I can, so that you can fully understand my situation...Please read and help me out...I don't know what to do anymore. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost two years. (He is 21 and I am 20). We were each others first loves. We met through a mutual friend in January of 2006, and were inseparable ever since. We had alot in common, became best friends, and always had so much fun together. In time, we both fell deeply in love, and even talked about marrying each other and starting a family. I met everyone in his family (he met everyone in mine as well), and they accepted me from the start. (I would also like to point out that he was the first to say that he loved me, and he was also the one who initiated discussions of marriage). Things couldn't have been more perfect. Of course we had arguments here and there, but what couple doesn't? About 8 months into our relationship, he and I transferred to different schools. (Our schools were still close to each other, so this was not a long distance relationship). Pretty soon, I began to notice subtle changes in him. He became extremely flirtatious with several girls at his school, which made me feel uncomfortable. There were even a few instances where girls were calling his phone as late as 1 or 2am! I told him about how this was making me feel, and he assured me that I had nothing to worry about. According to him, they were his friends, and he would tell them to stop calling so late. As time went by, I began to trust him less and less. I never believed that he cheated on me, but the late night phone calls and the lack of time that we started to spend together really did not sit right with me. He even confessed that he didn't think that we should talk about marriage right now, and that we should just "cross that bridge when we get to it". Despite what my gut feeling was telling me, I knew that I loved him and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. About a year and 8 months into the relationship, I really started to feel that he didn't want to be with me anymore. When we were together everything seemed wonderful, but he wasn't making time for me like he used to, and he always wanted to be out at the clubs every weekend with his friends. When he went out, I never even complained or anything. I didn't want to get in the way of his fun. One day I confronted him and I told him that I had a feeling that he wanted to date other people. He appeared shocked that I would even suggest this, and told me that is definitely not the case. He told me that he loved me to death and would never want to lose me. After several conversations, he began to behave like the guy I had fallen in love with in the beginning. Things seemed promising, and I began to have hope that we would make it. Then one day while we were spending time at his house, I felt an urge to look in his cell phone. I had never done that before, and I don't know what came over me that day...but I did it. I guess I wanted to see if he had kept up his end of the bargain by eliminating the late night phone chat with his new "friends". In his phone, I found the name of a girl that I had never heard of before popping up just as frequently in his call list as mine did. I questioned him about who she was, and he looked puzzled as he replied, "Just a friend from school." I began to interrogate some more, and he kept on asking where all of this was coming from. Finally, I asked him if there was anything else that I needed to know about this girl. He looked extremely guilty, and replied, "no". I knew he was lying, so I asked him again, and then he admitted that they had kissed once. My body went numb...I have never been so crushed in my entire life. He tried to explain that it was a mistake, but I just needed to get away from him as quickly as possible. Needless to say, I ended up breaking up with him. About a week and a half later, we met up to talk to each other in person. We told each other how much we loved one another, and despite his "wandering eye", I was willing to give him another chance. BIG MISTAKE! The very next day, I felt like a fool for forgiving him just like that. That evening, we had a discussion on the phone, where he basically tells me that he loves me immensely and wants to give me the world because that's what I deserve, but right now he is very confused about what he wants and doesn't want to take a chance at ever hurting me like that again. He basically feels like there is another chance that he would cheat on me again. He says that there is no "other woman" in particular, and that he just isn't ready for a relationship. I guess he wants to keep his options open. He says he doesn't think that he is ready for a serious commitment at the moment. He kept on telling me that he loves me and always will, and he kept asking if we could please be friends because he doens't want me out of his life, but I told him I'm not sure if that is possible right now because of how hurt I am...we haven't spoken since. I am just so lost and confused right now because I don't understand how one moment i can be the best thing that ever happened to him and a blessing (his words, not mine), to just being one of his options. He has even told me that he's never had a connection with anyone like the one that he and I shared. I am in so much pain that I don't know what to do with myself. I would also like to add that throughout the entire relationship, I gave him 110% of me. I was loyal, very generous, supportive, and loving. According to him, I was his everything and he was satisfied in every aspect of our relationship. I don't understand. I want to believe that we are still meant to be together, but I feel like I'm holding on to lost hope. I feel like I lost my soul mate :'-(. Does anyone have a similar experience or any words of wisdom that can aid me in getting through this rough time? Any responses will be greatly appreciated.
Msblueyes Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I know your heart is broke but you both are sooo young. Your boyfriend did the right thing by letting you know, no matter it hurts, he didn't want to "cheat" on you, so he's broken off your steady relationship; that's a lot better than finding out he's more than "kissing" the next girl. Give your self time to explore your world, that's what your 20's are for!
Ali4134 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Blueyes is right. I actuallt just ended a 5 year relationship with my highschool sweetheart. When you're as young as we are it is a very bad idea to think about marriage and things like that. It almost ends up in divorce because neither of you got to see what all was out there enough to truely appreciate what you have. My ex and I love each other very much, but we weren't IN love. We grew apart just like you and he did. He just turned 21 and wants all of the experiences that come with it. You'll go through it too and you'll understand what happened more about a year from now. And who knows maybe after you have experience and room to compare and judge maybe you'll both find you are IN love. Just give each other that chance to grow. It really id the best.
MattyTee Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I very much agree that this is an opportunity to grow and learn a little bit more about yourself and the world out there. My own personal feeling is that you don't need to date around to compare and judge what you have but I might be in a minority there. I think this idea that at some magic age (21 / 22) you suddenly get an urge to date / sleep with everyone in sight just to get some experience is a myth brought about by a consumer-orientated society. Growing up is a scary thing to do and it's important to realise that the most vital relationship you will have during that time is the one you have with yourself. Anyway, on your situation I would advise a couple of things. Take some time for yourself here. Do things you enjoy, hang out with friends, find some new hobbies. It's a great time to get to know yourself better. Also, make sure you look out for your well-being. It's good that your boyfriend has been honest with you (even if he perhaps should have said something before kissing someone else) but you need to make sure that you aren't being taken for granted as a backup option while you hang around as 'just friends'. Do what you need to do for _you_ at this stage, look after yourself I probably haven't helped much. I do hope you are okay Princess *hug*. Take care.
Ali4134 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I very much agree that this is an opportunity to grow and learn a little bit more about yourself and the world out there. My own personal feeling is that you don't need to date around to compare and judge what you have but I might be in a minority there. I think this idea that at some magic age (21 / 22) you suddenly get an urge to date / sleep with everyone in sight just to get some experience is a myth brought about by a consumer-orientated society. Growing up is a scary thing to do and it's important to realise that the most vital relationship you will have during that time is the one you have with yourself. Anyway, on your situation I would advise a couple of things. Take some time for yourself here. Do things you enjoy, hang out with friends, find some new hobbies. It's a great time to get to know yourself better. Also, make sure you look out for your well-being. It's good that your boyfriend has been honest with you (even if he perhaps should have said something before kissing someone else) but you need to make sure that you aren't being taken for granted as a backup option while you hang around as 'just friends'. Do what you need to do for _you_ at this stage, look after yourself I probably haven't helped much. I do hope you are okay Princess *hug*. Take care. Thats what dating and seeing people is. It's finding yourself through experiences and other people. Doesn't mean you have to go wild or sleep with everyone. I hope I didn't come across that way. I just mean that everyone learns from experience.
MattyTee Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Sorry Ali, I didn't mean you came across that way I just wanted to give another viewpoint. I personally don't think that you have to date or see people to grow or learn, that's all I meant. Not saying either way is the "right" way!
Ali4134 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 No problem, I just didn't want to sound like I was telling anyone to be a slut....lol. I also tend to believe that experience is always a good thing, but it really depends on who you are. I see it kind of like cooking. When I make a new dish it's ok or pretty good, but the more times I cook it, it gets better, until I've got it down to a science. Not thats what love or sex is, but it just seems that things make more sense the more experience you have.
thrustrebel Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I think that he is right to have told you. My soulmate just split up with me last week. She's been my best friend and lover for 4 years and my girlfriend for 6 months but she just 'isn't ready'. She did the same thing and basically implied she couldn't be with me because she didn't want to cheat on me, but she needs to be free and see what else life has to offer. I suppose I resented her for a while obviously, it's natural to wonder 'why aren't I enough', but on the other hand, I appreciate her honesty. SOOO many people just wouldn't say anything and sleep around, then come home to you so they were getting the best of both worlds! Besides, imagine if he did cheat on you (more then kissing that other girl, which was probably a mistake he really regrets). Imagine then if you suddenly got really close 6 months down the line. You would be suspicious and feel disrespected and always wonder whether his mind was wondering... at least this way if you ever do get back together you can just say "Ok, well only if you're sure this time". It's a strange life :-S
Author Heartbrokenprincess Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Thanks to everyone that commented. I really appreciate your insight. This is really just a hard situation for me to deal with. I love him so much. I never felt the need to "see what else was out there". I was content with what I had. I thought he was too. My biggest fear is that he doesn't even miss me or what we had at all. He kept telling me he would, but I find it hard to believe that you're going to miss what we shared when your inside of a nother girl everynight (sorri to be graphic). I initiated no contact because I told him that it would be too difficult to be his friend right now. He says that he hopes that I change my mind. We haven't spoken in almost 2 weeks. It's not as hard as I thought, but it just seems like he's going on perfectly fine without me...and that breaks my heart
MattyTee Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Absolutely Ali! That would usually make sense. The funny thing is we grow up, go to school and learn everything we'll need for later life. We learn about maths, language, business, IT and so on. We even get sex education now but at no point do people tell you that you need to learn things to make a relationship work (well at least no one told me ). We sort of muddle through, confused and lost. We don't know how to communicate properly with each other, we find ourselves emotional and frustrated because we think we give and yet we're told that we've not been giving the right thing! The most common way people learn is by dating, trying it out and then working through what does and doesn't work - simply trial and error! Some people learn fast, some slow. However, it doesn't have to be that way! We can learn a great deal from our friends and family but also by reading - for example Men Are From Mars should be required reading for anyone going into a relationship. Parents should be handing out condoms AND a copy of that! There are some other great reads that tell us more about ourselves and our journey in life. Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist is a superb read. I have just picked up another of his called The Zahir - and I'm only part way through but already am stunned. This book is a must read! No More Mr. Nice Guy - as CaliGuy (I'm sure he actually is Dr Glover) says countless times, get it and read it! Anyway, my rather snaking post takes me to my point. You don't have to go out there and 'get experience' - that doesn't work for everyone. I've had one partner, ever. I've kissed one person, ever. I'm nearly 30. I'm not some ugly freak (well at least I don't think so), I just view things a little bit differently Having said that I have just been dumped, so... Seriously though, there are other ways
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