randuff Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I had a birthday yesterday and the EX (fiance) took me to dinner. It wasn't nearly as enjoyable as I had expected it mainly because I kept thinking of all the things in the past and how much I miss her dearly. We went to our favorite restaurant and all I could think about were memories. She is fine with just being friends with me, has no sexual attraction to me anymore but loves my company and friendship. I still have all the same feelings towards her that I always had. I want so deperately to move on with my life but I won't let myself for some reason. I keep holding on to hope which is pointless and useless but for some reason my attachment still lingers. The most ridiculous part of this whole thing is that I never did anything wrong and she agrees with that. It was her that cheated and lied and was untrustworthy, so why the problem letting go?? Ugh!!!! I am so tired of being depressed over this and moping. I was always the stable, unstressed, happy to be here person in our relationship and now I am a complete f'kn mess. This has been the worst 6 months of my entire 34 years on this Earth. God please just help me to let go of the pain! Please. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get some feelings out there.
bigheartkindsoul Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Hey there sorry to hear about this, why don't you treat yourself to doing some great things over this weekend to help take your mind off things a little. I know it is no cure as have been there but sometimes I found a distraction or having some fun such a relief from the pain I felt at the time. Typical women I have enjoyed some great shopping trips...lol But seeing a good film with a friend, or having a massage, going for a few drinks and a giggle with a friend lifted my spirits even if it was only while I was out and about. Just a thought. Happy belated birthday to you xxx
marlena Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Rand, A blated Happy Birthday from me as well. I am sorry you are going through this. About being friends with your ex. If it is causing you so much pain, perhaps you should consider aborting the friendship for a while at least. It's bad enough as it is. You needn't put yourself through additional heartache. It will hurt to no end but ultimately it may free you. When you are over her and in a better, stronger place emotionally, then, perhaps you can resume your friendship.. Until then, you are only inflicting more pain on yourself. Think about it.
gdguy07 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 First off all happy birthday for yesterday.I have just posted a thread before reading yours which is very similar in some ways, although it has been 10 mths for me. The only advice i can give you is NC is all so important to get those feelings laid to rest,if you cant do this & have to have contact make sure it is minimal. Good luck i know what your going through & its not easy but time does heal.
Author randuff Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Rand, If it is causing you so much pain, perhaps you should consider aborting the friendship for a while at least. I have and my weakness just won't let me follow through. I have told her several times I can't speak with her but I end up calling her or answering her calls to me After 4 years together it's hard for me to just let go...
Bosiell Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Another belated happy birthday. Sorry to hear about your situation. The whole friendship game is a very very messy one. But the one answer above all else is while you have such strong feelings for her then you simply CANNOT be friends, end of. You have seen yourself what it is doing to you. You MUST tell her again not to call you, you MUST NOT answer her calls. You MUST go NC asap. You will see this splattered around this board many many times. And as hard as it is do, and as easy as it is to give in her to calls and beckoning, you will not begin to heal from this mess, yes mess, untill you stop seeing and speaking to her. In time, may take a lot of time, you may believe you are strong enough to be friends again, but by then you may not feel the need to. good luck.. ps. and yeah it will hurt like sh_t.. you cannot escape that
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 It may be hard to let go after 4 years, but it's going to be even harder to stay her friend. You've been wounded and by spending any time with her, you continually pour salt into it. It can only heal and scar over if you stop exposing yourself the object that caused the wound in the first place. Believe me, I know it sucks. I am part of a marriage that is dissolving after 5.5 years (7.5 years total) and it's hell. It just is. But you won't be able to start the healing process until she is out of your life. Try to think about it like this: You hate how you feel, right? Well, you are prolonging your misery by being around her. If you cut off all contact with her TODAY, then today is the first real day of your healing. The sooner she is out of your life, the sooner you'll stop feeling horrible. Good luck.
Sanslatete Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 It is hard to get someone out of your life after so many years, especially when you weren't the one to instigate the break up. I've got a birthday coming up too on Monday and I'm dreading it. I always spent it with my ex and we would go out for the day and do fun things, make it a day to remember and all that. But this year, I know I'm just going to miss her terribly and hope the day goes quickly. This crap doesn't get any easier, does it?!
hopeforlove243 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Happy belated birthday! I am in a similar situation as you are, my ex-bf dumped me and want to be friends, for the last several months, it was like a hell for me, so, finally I made him understand that I can't hang out with him, talk to him anymore, I need time to get over this, and I deleted his # and email. I still miss him a lot, and miss our cat too, so I went to adopt a kitten today. His birthday is coming up next week, I don't even think I will wish him happy birthday. You should do NC.
Author randuff Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 So tonight, 28 Oct we went and watched a movie together. Everything went smoothly until I dropped her off at the apartment. She leaned over to hug me and as I always do I kissed her on the forehead and she told me "I love you so very very very much." I said I love you too and lifted her head up by her chin and kissed her on the lips.... I could tell she didn't really want to kiss me so I said "I am sorry about that, I can tell you didn't want me to kiss you." Thats when she went on with the I can't do this anymore. We spoke a few choice words to one another and I ended up speeding off. Well I called her when I got home to talk some more... Big mistake (again.) I dunno why I torture myself but here is the gist of the convo : Me - What do you want from me? Her - Friends, but you want more and I can't do that. I have issues and I don't want or need a relationship. Me - What am I suppose to do? Her - Do what you want, I have told you before if you need to stop talking to me that I would understand. Me - But I love you so much I can't just let go. Her - I can't hurt you anymore than I already have. Me - I am fine. Her - No you aren't. Me - I hate to think that you won't miss me when I am gone. Her - Don't be stupid, you know how much I will miss you, you are my best friend and you know better. I have already tod you this. So anyways she is giving me the out and I can't seem to take it and run. I am miserable, have been for the 6 months that we have been split up, and I was always happy before. She even pointed this out to me. So what happens????? We finish the convo and proceed to tell each other we love one another and she asked if I would call her at 4 a.m. to make sure she is up for her job (This is her 3rd week and not accustomed to waking that early) and I say sure. HOW F'N PATHETIC AM I ? ? ? ? ? ? Why does someone who treats a woman so wonderfully (she has told me this on numerous occasions) who gets treated so poorly (cheated on, lied to) want to cling on to this?????? WTF is wrong with me??? I need counseling!
funkybassplayer Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 if she never cheated on you, then i would have a different veiw, but it seems that she has low morals, and she wont let you go cos she is too selfish to do that. she is not feeling the pain that you are, and she is saying stuff that will make it hard for you to go. I would look past much of that, she cheated on you, and she has shown you that you cannot trust her. Its you and you know this that is making your own life painful. I would'nt worry about her too much, she will be fine, and im sure she can buy an alarm clock to wake her up. Do you want to be her slave? this is what you are. Im sorry but like i say, if she never cheated on you, and you eneded with repect than thats different, but she lost your trust, and is feeling guilt, thats why shes bieng as she is, but i garantee you, she wont miss you in the true way of a freind, but more of some1 to hang out with and make her feel good, and she would have to invest in a new alarm clock. BE STRONG, GIVE YOURSELF TIME AND SPACE untill you can be nothing more than a friend to her.
gdguy07 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I know exactly what your going through,my situation was the same.I was played the same as you are,i had to go through lies,games,the new bf,selfishness basically being strung along because she knew she had control of me. I would forgive everything bad she done to me but when i woke up to what was happening just recently, i kept saying to myself, im a better person than her & she does not deserve me...im too good for her. Ive always been honest,straight up, no games, no bull**** & look at what i got in return. She is still with this bf off 8 mths ago & we cant stand each other,she left me for him but she still wants me in part of her life also. Woman like this that treat you bad, but then want your friendship as security are not worth it as far as im concerned,how many times do we get told by some woman,that they've had the bad marriage or been abused etc but then go on to be bad persons themself to future partners, i sometimes wonder if they are not just wanting the "feel sorry for me treatment". You have to get this woman out of your life for you to move on,dont let her play you & most probably laugh behind your back at how weak you are handling this situation. Best off luck & no offence from some things i have said,i maybe wrong but this sounds like a very similar experience to mine. Time heals believe me.
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