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Just dumpee's that post about wanting back ex's or dumpers also???

bigheartkindsoul

By bigheartkindsoul
in Second Chances

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Numerouno Member

Numerouno

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Well said heartoutside!

KenzieAbsolutely Established Member

KenzieAbsolutely

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I disagree with some of what has been said. I think we all have to understand that every one of our situations are different. That's why I think coming to LS for answers is the wrong idea. I came here for answers at first, but realized that the replies I got from other LSers could only be seen as advice, not an "ANSWER" to my problem(s).

 

 

in this case, i think the way you approached LS is the real problem. no one should come here looking for deadset answers.

 

when you ask a question, or put forth a situation, the 'answers' you get from people are from their points of view, their opinions, and what they think. that's how it is here. that's how it is anywhere, real life, message board or otherwise.

 

so yes, if you come here looking for someone tell you "this is how it ALWAYS is, this is how EVERY person in this situation thinks/behaves", then absolutely, you will be disappointed.

 

unless of course, all the 'answers' you get are what you want to hear, then you will be happy to believe that LS knows all.

heartoutside Established Member

heartoutside

Posted
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in this case, i think the way you approached LS is the real problem. no one should come here looking for deadset answers.

 

when you ask a question, or put forth a situation, the 'answers' you get from people are from their points of view, their opinions, and what they think. that's how it is here. that's how it is anywhere, real life, message board or otherwise.

 

so yes, if you come here looking for someone tell you "this is how it ALWAYS is, this is how EVERY person in this situation thinks/behaves", then absolutely, you will be disappointed.

 

unless of course, all the 'answers' you get are what you want to hear, then you will be happy to believe that LS knows all.

 

I think you're missing my point. I'm aware of the fact that these are opinions, and I'm simply saying some people come here to find an answer to their situation. "My ex left me, so did yours, we must react the same way!" That kind of attitude.

 

KenzieAbsolutely I'm not sure under what circumstances you came to LS, but I can say for me it was in search of an answer and there for comfort (and in hindsight, not the best idea). Like anyone else who has someone just leave their life for no apparent reason what-so-ever and being left with nothing but questions, the only comfort at first is trying to find answers.

 

All you have in your head when you first loose someone are a million and a half questions.

 

I'll say it again, the real problem isn't coming here to find answers, its thinking that someones advice to you is the answer.

 

I was told a million different things on here, some said walk away and never look back, some said LC, some said NC. In the end, you need to figure out what is right for you on your own.

KenzieAbsolutely Established Member

KenzieAbsolutely

Posted
Posted

 

I'll say it again, the real problem isn't coming here to find answers, its thinking that someones advice to you is the answer.

 

 

but, in coming here, all you will find is advice from many different people with many different outlooks, so this should indicate, then, that coming here for answers IS the real problem, because you won't get them here. that's what i meant.

guessjeans Established Member

guessjeans

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I was 16 yrs old when i met him. Moved in together 6 mths from my 18th birthday. We loved each other very much. Lived together for 27 years, have one son, 20 yrs old.

 

4 years ago, on my initiative, I moved out with our son. It was very difficult for me because I still loved him very much, but I felt he didnt love me anymore and the fights became more frequent. During these past 4 yrs, we remained very close. He would come over to my house, I would go over to see him and brought out son at times. Sometimes I would just go over and see him. He did ask to reconcile after a few months of living apart, but i refused, since I felt nothing had changed.. We continued to be intimate for the first year or so after we split. Neither one of us found any one else, so we would remain close. Back in November of last yr, i attended, with our son, his mothers funeral. The way he looked at me, touched my hand and face, I feel in love with him all over again. But i didnt say anything, i felt he hasnt said he loved me in the 4 yrs since we have been apart, that I wasnt going back to that.

 

Our son has been very ill for the past 5 months. He is in and out of hospitals, with what doctors believe to be Graves Disease. He has been more or less house bound since the summer. In October of this year, my ex husband if guess you can call him, although we never married, announced that he now has a g/f and is seriously dating. She is 57 years old, and he is 51. I am 47 yrs old.

 

I was devastated! Still am. Went to talk to ppl about how i am feeling, and they said did you not know how devastated HE was when you broke up? I said no! I thought he didnt love me anymore, thats why I left. They said no, he said what am i going to do, i love her so much!

 

I find this out just recently. Just after he told me about the g/f, i told him how i feel, that I still have feelings for him, that I dont want to hear about his new g/f . He said you should have told me! That he wants to give this relationship a go, and I accept that.

 

Meanwhile our son is sick. I have to see him at dr appts. I can have the NC rule unfortunately, and it hurts to see him, especially when he is talking on his cell phone about things the two of them have planned.

 

So yes i was the dumper. Do i regret it? I regret i didnt understand why he acted the way he did towards me. I didnt understand until now. He has a lot of insecurities. He was threated by independence, my self confidence, my appearance. He use to say you wish i was taller dont you? You want someone else better dont you. I just thought he had a bad day or something..i never put it all together until i find out that his woman he is dating is much older than me, appearance wise, she is not attractive at all, and not that that matters, the point being, he is comfortable with her. His insecurites dont appear with her. He isnt threatened that she is going to leave him for someone else, because lets face it, she has the better of the deal. She is almost 60 yrs old!

 

The only thing I can do is go on with my life, and if its meant to be, then I would find anyone I love as much as I do him, and the same with him. He did tell me he still loves me...but its the kind of love i assume the kind of love you would for a person that is the mother of your child, and that you have had a previous long term relationship with.

smileysmile Established Member

smileysmile

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Posted

Now, if you (the dumpee) will ever know that your ex is feeling that way (regret, or missing you ) is another story. Pride, embarrassment, fear and several other reasons could keep your ex from ever telling you or waiting until it is too late to tell you how they feel, or telling you they regret ever leaving.

 

I don't want to give anyone false hope. I can't stress it enough that every situation is different and only the poster knows what they feel they should do. There are going to be those dumpers out there that will be those A-holes and be happy and forget what they had, but there will also be those that regret ever walking away and cry every day. But there will also be dumpers who fall somewhere inbetween, aren't aholes, but know things are better off as they are.

 

 

Now you sound like a mature man.

Vey sound advice. All situations ARE different.

It all depends how the relationship ended? What caused it to end? How long you were together?

I do believe if you were the dumpee (like me) and you caused your spouse hurt and pain from your behaviour (like me) then you need to humble yourself and recognize the hurt you have caused. Begging and pleading is one thing YOU shouldn't do.

It is a long ride (for me at least) and I still have strong feelings for my estranged wife. We have a baby together so that helps our connection.

Although she says shes moved on I am getting mixed messages through text messages. I feel she needs to learn to trust me and see signs in the future before any reconcilation. Maybe she is hoping I will change that she will see these changes that broke us up. I went to 5 hourly counselling sessions 2 weeks ago. I don't think she feels I can change so her pride and fear is around her heart and thus preventing any reconcilation.

She has or did have for the past several mths have an ex work colleague (he left 2 mths ago) give her "support". She had know him for 3 yrs as a colleague. And apparently separated from his wife but living together. Not sure if there is any truth in this but I know my ex was loyal to me etc.

But this "support" turned into flirting and sexual. A little bit of "light care" as she puts it because of the sh*t I put her through.

I guess this is what the "hurt" spouse does when feeling vulnerable with low self esteem.

I guess I wasn't there for her emotionally and physically.

She is hurt and its deep rooted..she said in her lastest text.

Anyway... readers go to this Christian link. Believe me it is so true and will help you understand if like me you hurt your spouse. Many references in this were made by my spouse.."humble yourself whilst I get over my hurt that are deep rooted".."you owe me..".."you are so self absorbed"..."you are making excuse for your actions and behaviour".

 

Pretty spooky..and the above references were only text to me 2 nights ago. As she is STILL reminding me of the hurt I put her through.

Even though she says shes moved on from me..

She just blows up now and again. So I will take the advice of the link I am about to post. We have been separated just over 3 mths from our marital home. Both living in our own house 10 minutes apart.

Just 2 1/2 yrs together before she finally decided enough was enough..just as it says in this link. I think it was written for me BUT very wise words in deed. http://www.familyministries.com/Reconciling_husbands.htm

 

:o

brothermartin Established Member

brothermartin

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Hey BIGHEART. I've only seen two post here from dumpers, one guy and one girl. And I have to say, I hope my ex is going through the same thing. And yes, I am bitter. I've been feeling a lot of anger still, and I'm starting to really distrust all women because of the heartache that she inflicted upon me.:mad:

 

I think the dumper may feel guilty for hurting the person they claimed to "love", but I also think they honestly believe that they made the right decision by leaving the person that they couldn't force to change. INSANE! :mad::mad:

mystic_pizza Established Member

mystic_pizza

Posted
Posted

Hey brothermartin, I am one of the dumpers you mentioned. Not being able to change him is definitely NOT the reason I left. It was merely the timing of the circumstances. He is going through a divorce and is not available "emotionally" to begin a new relationship. We were only together for a few months and I saw the writing on the wall and had to take care of me. The truth is, he is so consumed with guilt because he has children that there is a very strong possibility he may try to reconcile with his wife in an effort to give it one last shot. I had nothing to do with his separation, it happened a year before we even met.

 

I was developing strong feelings for him, but could not stay in a situation that possibily would leave completely heart broken. It had nothing what-so-ever to do with trying to change the guy. I would never try to change anyone. As a matter of fact, if the circumstances were different I would gladly stay because I liked him for who he is...the timing was just bad...that's all.

 

You have to look past your own pain and understand that every situation is unique. You can't lump every dumper in to the same category. I am genuinely in pain. If the timing was different we would probably still be dating and getting to know one another...he is a great guy, just an emotional wreck right now dealing with the loss of his "dream" of what a marriage should be.

 

Maybe, once he gets through this rough patch, he will approach me again as a free person. I would be willing to give it a shot at that point...just not now. I have the right to protect myself...afterall, if don't who will?

Numerouno Member

Numerouno

Posted
Posted
What I'm challenging is, did you ever really care deeply for her?
My apologies Trialbyfire, I must have missed your post, here's my response...

 

Hell yes!!!

 

I cared 100% at the beginning. Here was a hot babe, wanting to go out with me, who came across as a well adjusted person. We connected, we communicated, we were intimate, we shared etc etc. What kind of a man doesn't deeply care about a woman who is helping sustain something like that!?!?!

 

Our relationship lasted just under a year. But, gradually over time, cracks started to appear (hers especially, but mine as well) and they ended up becoming bigger than the Grand Canyon. And when I came to the conclusion that I cared only 49% of the time (and that this figure was most likely going to continue declining) I finally accepted what the situation was and made my decision. It was tough, real tough, but it had to be done.

 

* Pats self on back * :)

laughingmatter New Member

laughingmatter

Posted
Posted

I dumped a 4 year boyfriend about 7 months ago. I still miss him. I think about him a lot...But we had split up a few times over the same old , same old...I got tired of the cycle...

 

He called and sent emails for a month after, and I was tempted to get back together, but what for? The same thing over and over again with no resolution?

 

When things stay stuck for years they aren't going to get unstuck by themselves...And we couldn't unstick them together....

 

It is easy to believe it will take forever to get over it, but eventually one does. And I believe what I was missing was not so much him as being in a committed relationship. I was just used to being in a relationship, being loved...And now I get to learn to love myself....WHich is a good lesson.

 

When I think of him now, I smile and think how lucky I was to have loved so much. And I remind myself that it will happen again. Because it will if I want it to!

 

And I am a lot wiser now from the experience.

brothermartin Established Member

brothermartin

Posted
Posted
Hey brothermartin, I am one of the dumpers you mentioned. Not being able to change him is definitely NOT the reason I left. It was merely the timing of the circumstances. He is going through a divorce and is not available "emotionally" to begin a new relationship. We were only together for a few months and I saw the writing on the wall and had to take care of me. The truth is, he is so consumed with guilt because he has children that there is a very strong possibility he may try to reconcile with his wife in an effort to give it one last shot. I had nothing to do with his separation, it happened a year before we even met.

 

I was developing strong feelings for him, but could not stay in a situation that possibily would leave completely heart broken. It had nothing what-so-ever to do with trying to change the guy. I would never try to change anyone. As a matter of fact, if the circumstances were different I would gladly stay because I liked him for who he is...the timing was just bad...that's all.

 

You have to look past your own pain and understand that every situation is unique. You can't lump every dumper in to the same category. I am genuinely in pain. If the timing was different we would probably still be dating and getting to know one another...he is a great guy, just an emotional wreck right now dealing with the loss of his "dream" of what a marriage should be.

 

Maybe, once he gets through this rough patch, he will approach me again as a free person. I would be willing to give it a shot at that point...just not now. I have the right to protect myself...afterall, if don't who will?

 

Hey MYSTIC. I understand that every situation has it's difference, and I'm not lumping every one into one group. My situation was just what it sounded like. She dumped me because she couldn't force me to change, she harassed

me AFTER she dumped me, and she did these things in a selfish, cowardly way. I'm still angry, I'm still hurt, and now I have a trust issue with women.

I doubt that my ex is feeling any pain about her decision. At least not as much as I am, because even though you left for a different reason, she left because she had something that mattered more to her than my love for her.

Herself.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

The reason that brought me to LS years ago was I dumped a girl and then realized ( or thought at the time) I made a mistake so I tried to get her back and failed at that.. She punished me.. Then I made an all out assault at trying to win her back.. what a fool I was...

 

I turned from the dumper into the dumpee at the point she didn't accept my apology... then it was a downward spiral.. She had the power..

Had I been on LS from the beginning I wouldn't have made a play for her after I dumped her.... thereby saving myself dumpee pain..

 

Although.. thinking about it if I had changed anything... I would not have met my wife today.. So maybe it was best that I went through it...

bustertypsy Established Member

bustertypsy

Posted
Posted

Quote:

Originally Posted by mystic_pizza viewpost.gif

Hey brothermartin, I am one of the dumpers you mentioned. Not being able to change him is definitely NOT the reason I left. It was merely the timing of the circumstances. He is going through a divorce and is not available "emotionally" to begin a new relationship. We were only together for a few months and I saw the writing on the wall and had to take care of me. The truth is, he is so consumed with guilt because he has children that there is a very strong possibility he may try to reconcile with his wife in an effort to give it one last shot. I had nothing to do with his separation, it happened a year before we even met.

 

I was developing strong feelings for him, but could not stay in a situation that possibily would leave completely heart broken. It had nothing what-so-ever to do with trying to change the guy. I would never try to change anyone. As a matter of fact, if the circumstances were different I would gladly stay because I liked him for who he is...the timing was just bad...that's all.

 

You have to look past your own pain and understand that every situation is unique. You can't lump every dumper in to the same category. I am genuinely in pain. If the timing was different we would probably still be dating and getting to know one another...he is a great guy, just an emotional wreck right now dealing with the loss of his "dream" of what a marriage should be.

 

Maybe, once he gets through this rough patch, he will approach me again as a free person. I would be willing to give it a shot at that point...just not now. I have the right to protect myself...afterall, if don't who will?

 

 

Mystic,I back you 100%.Sorry I can't be a lot deeper,but your reasons are right.If you are not getting the vibe to begin with,then what's the point.As a dumper,you need make no apologies to anybody.

mystic_pizza Established Member

mystic_pizza

Posted
Posted

I have an update on my situation. I stayed NC and he contacted me by email. He was feeling bad and hoped that we will have an opportunity to talk eventually. I was glad that he did. It gave me the opportunity to let him know that I was feeling bad too, but had to take care of me while he is getting his life back on track. It cleared the air so-to-speak. He responded letting me know how he felt about me (all good) and that he would call soon. I thanked him and immediately went back to NC and that is where I will stay until he is "free" to pursue a relationship.

 

I feel much better now. The break in NC has cleared away the negative feelings we were both having. Don't get me wrong, I will go about living my life because there is the chance he won't call. There is also the chance that if he waits too long, I will have already moved on, I am not going to sit around.

 

That's where things stand right now. We both understand and respect where each other is coming from and if we have an opportunity to be together in the future the slate is clean.

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