cj1988 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I have posted a few threads on this website and now I am in a different forum. My H seems so unhappy but says he is not. He never smiles, spends to time at friends house after work instead of coming home etc. I am loving to him in ALL ways, tell him that I want to spend time with him and try to ask why he does not come home. He tells me that he is in love with me , but that is hard to believe from his actions. He never touched me first at all, he is not affectionate like he use to be. he acts like he hates me, but when I want to talk about that or US, he is gets angry and does not think we have anything to discuss. I am very unhappy and I am trying to talk this through so he can see why. I just want him to want me again and want to be around me. I do not understand what else I can do....I make love to him all the time (i initiate, he avoids sometimes, never has before) I am sweet and loving, what am I doing wrong? I have one month before we move to the lake house, before I do that I have to decide to hang in it or tell him we are not going together. I want him to be happy so badly but he will not tell me what is wrong. He says nothing and will say nothing ! Any last suggestions to wake him up to US and his boys and what he has before it is too late?
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Since alot of how he is acting is new, what does your gut tell you might be wrong? This friend he likes to hang out with, do you know anything about that person? Where they live etc?
milx Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Could he be having a hard time at work? What does he do at his friend's house anyway?
PandorasBox Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Did you start to notice changes in him after he started going over the friends house? Is this a new friend, or someone he has always known? Whatever is going on over at his friends house must really be something interesting if he would rather be there than at home.
Author cj1988 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Hello, this is not real new, just in the last year. We went through a hard time and we are suppose to be working things out, but I am doing all the work. This has been going on for about a year now. He goes to his best friends house (they ride together to work and work together all day) so when he drops him off he stays and drinks beer and smokes dope instead of coming home. Yes, he has been at the same job 19 years, hates that now, our youngest son is GAY and just came out this summer, they clash all the time and argue (because my H does not listen to anyone and is a know it all) But, I am sweet and try to be there for him, but he just acts like he cannot stand me 50% of the time. If he is drunk he wants me, if he not, he is cold and says little or nothing to me. He does not want to be around us, I am not suppose to be bothered by him wanting to be somewhere else all the time. The problem is, he says he does not want out, why would he he has it made. BUT, I want more. I want someone that puts the family first and the friends second. Someone that wants to come home to me, someone that likes me. I do not know what I am doing wrong.....that is why I am asking you all for ideas.....hell I even swallow now for gods sake! He gripped I did not give enough now that I do, he does not want as much ! WOW, this is really wanting a marriage could have fooled me !
PandorasBox Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 so when he drops him off he stays and drinks beer and smokes dope instead of coming home. Problem one. Yes, he has been at the same job 19 years, hates that now, our youngest son is GAY and just came out this summer, they clash all the time and argue (because my H does not listen to anyone and is a know it all) Problem two. but he just acts like he cannot stand me 50% of the time. If he is drunk he wants me, if he not, he is cold and says little or nothing to me. He does not want to be around us, I am not suppose to be bothered by him wanting to be somewhere else all the time. Problem three. I want someone that puts the family first and the friends second. Someone that wants to come home to me, someone that likes me. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you're going to have that with him unless he does some serious changing. Why continue to beat a dead horse?
Author cj1988 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 I know, that is sad but I have figured that out now. I guess I have been hanging on hoping he will snap out of it and WANT US again. All his " If I did not want to be here I would not" is not in his actions. He said I am impatient and need to just relax, how can I do that while is acting like this? His son ( I have raised since he was 2 so he is mine too) needs him to be home and he does not care about that either right now. I ask him what is wrong and try to talk about US and get him to open up and he said me asking what is what is wrong. He is a 38 year old that acts like a 25 year old. His best friend is 24 and now lives his parents (where they hang out) and getting a divorce. What can I do to wake him up before I leave him for good ! He said that it should not bother me that he stops to have a beer....he gets off at 2:30 they get there at 3:15, but he comes home around 7PM. I get home at 5PM....I get 1 hour and then he goes to bed.....so what do I get?
PandorasBox Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I know, that is sad but I have figured that out now. I guess I have been hanging on hoping he will snap out of it and WANT US again. All his " If I did not want to be here I would not" is not in his actions. He said I am impatient and need to just relax, how can I do that while is acting like this? His son ( I have raised since he was 2 so he is mine too) needs him to be home and he does not care about that either right now. I ask him what is wrong and try to talk about US and get him to open up and he said me asking what is what is wrong. He is a 38 year old that acts like a 25 year old. His best friend is 24 and now lives his parents (where they hang out) and getting a divorce. What can I do to wake him up before I leave him for good ! He said that it should not bother me that he stops to have a beer....he gets off at 2:30 they get there at 3:15, but he comes home around 7PM. I get home at 5PM....I get 1 hour and then he goes to bed.....so what do I get? Unfortunatly leaving him might be what it takes to wake him up. Then again, it might not. I do think that reguardless of him saying, if he didn't want to be there he would leave, is all in his actions. Just because he resides there , doesn't mean he "IS" there. If he truly did he wouldn't be gone over to his friends house so much. He would stay and take heed to what you're saying and want to work on the marriage. Right now, from what you're saying though, I do not think he wants too. The call has to be up to you.
Author cj1988 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Thank you, I do understand. He told me just today (we were talking about his son and their relationship) that if I want this relationship all I have to is just do it and stop worrying about it. But, he fails to see what I feel about him wanting to spend all his time with someone else. Yes, home life is not a bunch of laughs and beers, we have responsibilities. I have given him an easy way OUT more than you can imagine. In a loving nice way, he still proclaims that with me is what he wants, but I guess when he wants it. Meaning, a hour a night if that and on weekends at our lake house. That is not a marriage. I am not a weekend f--- ! If we were dating he would not treat me like this and would WANT to be with like he was for years. I think he is immature and bored at home and does not want to address the everyday home life, so he avoids it because he thinks I will be there....
quankanne Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 first thought is that the younger friend who's in the process of getting divorced appears to have a "better life" than does your husband with all the problems he's faced – you know, "the grass is always greener" syndrome. not a whole hell of a lot you can do while he's in a self-pity mode about why his life is so crappy while his friend has the better life, though you might want to consider marriage counseling to help you learn to communicate more effectively. I would imagine that him being 38 with all those problems (which really aren't unusual in and of themselves) is what's getting him really down – some folks (esp. guys) bottle it up because they're raised not to do things that'll call attention to themselves or reveal what they feel.
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I think he is immature and bored at home and does not want to address the everyday home life, so he avoids it because he thinks I will be there.... It wont get better either until he finally sees the light and wants to change and address the issues going on. He may or may not ever see that though. I also think he has taken you for granted by always being there. Don't be a doormat for him. He knows you know what he is doing. He also knows that you know how you feel on the matter, and yet as long as you keeping allow this behavior, he will not change. I did not say you were or you caused the problem but I am saying you are allowing his behavior by doing nothing other than talking about it. You may have to really take some action, to see any results.
Author cj1988 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Thanks guys, what kind of action can I take without having to leave him? I will if I have to, but the son is involved. I love my H and want to help him, but he blames everything on me and does nothing wrong, you know the type.....I am lost and need suggetions......guys you tell me, you are a male !
Kenyth Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 If he smokes dope and drinks that often, he's an addict. His entire behavior pattern seems to fit that as well. "Stopping for a beer after work" is a 1-2 hour and 3-4 drink activity that most would indulge in once or twice a week at most. I'd also be worried that other things were going on during these long time periods. With that kind of free time, and that attitude, anything could be going on with anyone.
Author cj1988 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 He has been smoking dope for years, 5 to 6 times a day. When he is at home he does not drink like that during the week and has just started doing that again. I know where he is all the time, over there in the drive way drinking and no females are around ( I am very good friends with the family) so, I am not worried about that. I just wished he would stop doing everyday again. One night a week fine, but every day, I hate that, my dad was a drunk. I know I should leave, but I know he can be a good person, but I cannot make him stop, so I will have to go ! Do you think if I tell him I want out he may wake up? Or be relieved. I know he does not want out, like I said why would he......he has it made.
Author cj1988 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 If I try to tell him I want him to come home and if he does not etc.....but that only makes him stay longer. I called him last week at 7PM, said he was going to drink one beer and come home that was at 4PM. He got pissed because I called and asked NICELY when he was coming home and ended up coming home at 12:30 as my punishment I guess......the more I want something the more he does not !
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I think if you tell him you're going to do something, you need to follow through with it, or else he will never take your seriously on what you say. You can NOT change him, he will have to want to change himself. You can change yourself though. Its time to start thinking of yourself and whats best for you.
Author cj1988 Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Ok, I am having THE talk with him tonight.....bad weekend. I want to be strong and fair. How do yo know when it is time to throw that in the conversation? How do you look someone in the face that you know does not play fair and remain calm and in tact, especially when you are trying to work on this beig of a decision? I am terrified and dread it and just pray we do the right thing !
Kenyth Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Ok, I am having THE talk with him tonight.....bad weekend. I want to be strong and fair. How do yo know when it is time to throw that in the conversation? How do you look someone in the face that you know does not play fair and remain calm and in tact, especially when you are trying to work on this beig of a decision? I am terrified and dread it and just pray we do the right thing ! You do it ASAP. You say, "We need to talk! This relationship is heading downhill fast and we need to decide if we're going to do anything about it."
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