bligh Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Hi, I need some advice. My wife and I have been together for 3 years and have a baby boy. I am 46 and she is 3 years younger. The problem comes from learning a little more about her past two marriages. She had told me that she had been married young at age 23 to a guy she dated for three years. She said that she had been married for 1 year and that "things just didn't work out" and that both had ended the marriage by mutual consent. She was married a second time at age 30 for 10 years and had three boys. She said that the marriage "just didn't work out" again. Before our marriage, she told me that both of her past husbands were "losers" that only wanted her to take care of them. If they came up, she had only bad things to say about both of them. Here is the problem. After our marriage she would sometimes say some similar things about ME. I have come to know her past husband and he seems like an o.k guy. I have found out that she had slept with at least one guy while married to him, and possibly more. This caused me some concern, and after further problems in our marriage, I decided to look up the first husband. ( I know, bad idea). Well, the first husband described a perfect nightmare of a marriage. He had dated her for three years without problems, but within 3 months of their marriage she started cheating on him. Over the course of the next 6 months she slept with around a dozen guys and two girls, including three of his friends that she had sex with in HIS house. He found out about this by reading a journal of hers and by being told by two of the "friends". She then moved out of the house to live with a man 20 years older that was married. He tried to get her back but she refused and he finally filed for divorce after a year of marriage. She ended up living with the older guy for 3 years (his wife died during this time) before leaving him for someone else. My problem is that the facts in no way fit with what she told me happened. Her behavior I find appalling, and I have trouble now trusting her when she is out by herself. She is now talking about her wonderful boss and his marital troubles. I am almost sure that nothing has happened-yet. If she cheated on her previous 3 long term relationships should I not be concerned? I feel creepy checking up on her, but only want to know the truth. She tends to shade stories of her past to make her a victim of bad men- and they deserve what they get. I have no desire to join this club. please let me know your input. Thanks.
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I am almost sure that nothing has happened-yet. *YET seems to be the keyword here. If she cheated on her previous 3 long term relationships should I not be concerned? *Probably so, Her past history doesn't look good. I have no desire to join this club. *I think you have your answer as to what you might need to do. Are the stories that her other husbands have told you, seem believable to you? It seems you've got several other men telling you pretty much the same thing, so might be safe to say theya re telling the truth. *I do think however, you should talk to her about it. I'm sure she would deny it and make them out to be liars. Is there anyone esle in her family or close friends that would know her real story? See if it matches what these ex husbands are saying.
Tony T Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 This lady is somebody you DON'T want to be married to. Before you take the necessary action to get away from her, check out these stories one more time to be sure. It sounds like no matter what, just from what you know first hand you will not be happy in this marriage and it's not likely, at her age, she is going to change. There's simply no way you can be with a woman who puts you down, whether it's in front of you...or behind your back.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Ask her how she feels about you. What happened in the past does not define her (to you). How she treats you should define her to you. Maybe you are the one she's been seeking...............
JackJack Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Ask her how she feels about you. What happened in the past does not define her (to you). How she treats you should define her to you. Maybe you are the one she's been seeking............... That is a positive way to look at this, but I would think if he is the one she was seeking, she wouldn't be saying things about him, like she has about her other exs. Or at least thats what I got from it, when he said, "After our marriage, she would sometimes say similar things about me."
Author bligh Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Thanks for your posts. I have tried talking to her some about these past relationships, but she is unwilling to say more than that the guy was a loser in some way. She places all of the blame of the breakups on the guy. When I ask her what they did, she usually comes up with what I think are very minor things, ie " He wanted ME to do his laundry" (first guy) or " he started to go to church" (second guy) I believe that I am getting good information. The first husband is a pastor of a church who says " I still wish her well". The problem is that many of her present behaviors seem to be rooted in the past, and virtually everything that I have been told by her about her past doesn't check out- She doesn't feel that the breakups of the marriages and relationships were in any way her fault. The other day we were argueing about something rather minor and she became so angry she took off her engagement ring and wedding ring and tossed them in a drawer. (she is wearing them again). This really bothered me and reminded me of one story that she DID tell me about her past. She had told me once that she sold her first husbands engagement ring (before the divorce was final) to finance a month long Florida trip with her new boyfriend. (the much older guy) She was laughing when she told me this and thought it was a final gotcha to her first husband. She is a great mother, and sometimes a great wife. Her past behavior that I have found out about (70 plus lovers by 30, two daughters given up for adoption by two different "drinking buddies", kicked out of Sorority for "immoral behavior", three cheating relationships, ect) bother me quit a bit. Instead of feeling like "she chose me" I feel more like a link in a chain. I love her but am having a hard time trusting her. Has she changed? I don't know.
PandorasBox Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 The other day we were argueing about something rather minor and she became so angry she took off her engagement ring and wedding ring and tossed them in a drawer. She sounds childish and immature. Her past is shady it seems. Her not wanting to talk about her past or telling you vague things, is not a good sign. My question to you is, do you want to continue to feel you're just another "link in her chain?" I can't see you wanting to continue to live that way.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Thanks for your posts. I have tried talking to her some about these past relationships, but she is unwilling to say more than that the guy was a loser in some way. She places all of the blame of the breakups on the guy. When I ask her what they did, she usually comes up with what I think are very minor things, ie " He wanted ME to do his laundry" (first guy) or " he started to go to church" (second guy) The other day we were argueing about something rather minor and she became so angry she took off her engagement ring and wedding ring and tossed them in a drawer. (she is wearing them again). She is a great mother, and sometimes a great wife. Her past behavior that I have found out about (70 plus lovers by 30, two daughters given up for adoption by two different "drinking buddies", kicked out of Sorority for "immoral behavior", three cheating relationships, ect) bother me quit a bit. Instead of feeling like "she chose me" I feel more like a link in a chain. I love her but am having a hard time trusting her. Has she changed? I don't know. Umm... She sounds like a pathological lair who is incapable of any kind of deep meaningful relationship. Very selfish and with absolutely no self worth. Did you have her sign a prenup or are you going to get killed in a divorce?
norajane Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I suggest you start looking for her journal.
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 What you can do is make sure she feels secure enough to be able to talk to you if she feels unhappy in the marriage. Make it known (maybe pick a time if you two are having a problem, to open the discussion) that you won't tolerate cheating. That if she feels a need isn't being met, or if she feels bored, etc., she HAS to talk to you so together you two can fix things. If she knows what the boundries and rules, the chances of her cheating on you become less because she'll know you WILL not tolerate it. That you expect her to communicate with you, and not hide what she feels. How is your marriage now? Do you see any red flags? Any behaviour changes from her?
Bryanp Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 She married you under false pretenses. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. I would be greatly surprised that she does not have some sort of STD. I would be getting my finances in order and seeing a lawyer when the time comes. If you knew about her past behavior would you have still married her? My guess the answer is no. I would think about getting an annulment.
Touche Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I wouldn't get an annulment. They have a little boy together after all. I think WWIU had the best advice. I mean what's been her worst crime as of yet? Lying about her past is not good but is it a deal-breaker for you? Has she been loyal to YOU? I would sit her down though and let her know where you stand on infidelity and that you won't tolerate it. I'm not sure I'd tell her that you've been digging. That could come back to bite you in the butt. Just pay attention and talk to her.
pollywag Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I'm not sure how you are supposed to expect straight communication from a known liar? This woman has a proven past of having three affairs, which she lied about, and you discovered many more things that she has lied about and you are supposed to reason with her to get the truth? what kind of stupid advice is that? sit down and let her know about infidilety? to a known liar? hahahahahah don't make me laugh .I would take with a grain of salt some of the advice given here since a lot of the people who are on here giving advice are people who stayed with known cheaters after they were caught. Is this really the type of people you would look up to for advice on whether she should be trusted? of course they will tell you to give her the benefit of the doubt, that's all they know acceptance even when the evidence is looking you right in the eyes. You have enough evidence now do your detective work and catch to see if she is a sniveling little strumpet, or if she is a decent woman afterall. But don't leave it up to her, do the detective work yourself. Follow your instinct something is telling you that things just ain't right.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I woudlnt stay with her, she sounds like a freaking sex addict! She slept with men and women??? Has she even gotten tested for STD's? I think you should leave her the minute she tries to start going crazy, clearly she has issues you cant handle or deal with! I know I wouldnt. What's she gonna say about you when you leave? Your a loser too. just like her other two ex-husbands? Give me a freaking break!
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I feel for you. I'm sure you wish you knew these things BEFORE you decided to marry her, but here you are now. First off, you have to realize that there are two sides to every story. That does not mean that her side, nor the stories you are hearing from her ex's, are either one entirely true. You've enough evidence to know that she likely didn't tell you everything, but you don't know whether or not her ex's have told you the gospel truth either. They could be just as bitter as she was and likely didn't tell you the things THEY may have done wrong to destroy the marriage either. Ultimately, you can only live with what she is today. Living with her past is technically impossible. But you have been given adequate warning that she may have the potential to be a cheater or worse. So take some pre-emptive steps to affair-proof your marriage would be my best recommendation. This includes things like learning to communicate effectively BEFORE you encounter marital issues, learning to be good parents together, learning to share life together openly and honestly, making adequate time for one another, meeting each others' needs, etc. If the two of you can't do that then YOUR marriage is in danger anyways, regardless of her past. She may react negatively and start up some alleged old behaviors, but that's likely because the two of you aren't working towards a successful marriage in the first place. Also, lets not forget something very real here....this is her third marriage. Statistically, the chances of survival for the two of you were already at rock bottom. Even if everything that was said about her was 100% accurate, you are already fighting some serious odds against you just by being number 3 with all sorts of mixed family issues involved. So pre-emptive marriage counseling and/or some serious work on both your parts is ALREADY required, past affairs not withstanding. Good luck to you both.
Author bligh Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 thanks everyone for your replies. Like I said, she hasn't DONE anything that I know of. Having learned about her past behavior makes me think that it is just a matter of time. I mean, EIGHTY partners by the age of 28? Two babies given up for adoption and never mentioned? Serial cheating on both ex husbands and ex-live in boyfriend? Group sex in High School and College? Having sex with married men in their forties while still a teenager? I'm just a normal, boring guy with a total of 5 ex lovers, 4 from relationships. I have never been around anyone with this type of history and its my WIFE. Whenever I talk to her about the past, she either is totally monosyllabic or tells me things that I know are lies. When we met, she told me that she always had to have feelings for anyone she slept with, and that I was THE ONE. I have found letters since to her ex's saying almost word for word what she has told me. I hate being so suspicious, but have my kids to think about and do not want to be made a fool of. She was sexually abused as a 11 year old and I think this has affected her relationship with men. I am starting to think that she has or had a problem with sex addiction. Meanwhile she has basically cut me off from sex with her, and seems to use it as a weapon to control me. HELP. What do you think? I am thinking of getting the hell out of the relationship but I still love her, (or at least I love who I thought I married).
Author bligh Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 thanks everyone for your replies. Like I said, she hasn't DONE anything that I know of. Having learned about her past behavior makes me think that it is just a matter of time. I mean, EIGHTY partners by the age of 28? Two babies given up for adoption and never mentioned? Serial cheating on both ex husbands and ex-live in boyfriend? Group sex in High School and College? Having sex with married men in their forties while still a teenager? I'm just a normal, boring guy with a total of 5 ex lovers, 4 from relationships. I have never been around anyone with this type of history and its my WIFE. Whenever I talk to her about the past, she either is totally monosyllabic or tells me things that I know are lies. When we met, she told me that she always had to have feelings for anyone she slept with, and that I was THE ONE. I have found letters since to her ex's saying almost word for word what she has told me. I hate being so suspicious, but have my kids to think about and do not want to be made a fool of. She was sexually abused as a 11 year old and I think this has affected her relationship with men. I am starting to think that she has or had a problem with sex addiction. Meanwhile she has basically cut me off from sex with her, and seems to use it as a weapon to control me. HELP. What do you think? I am thinking of getting the hell out of the relationship but I still love her, (or at least I love who I thought I married).
Cobra_X30 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 She was sexually abused as a 11 year old and I think this has affected her relationship with men. I am starting to think that she has or had a problem with sex addiction. Meanwhile she has basically cut me off from sex with her, and seems to use it as a weapon to control me. HELP. What do you think? I am thinking of getting the hell out of the relationship but I still love her, (or at least I love who I thought I married). There should be some warning bells going off in your head at this point. If I were in your place here is what I would do! I would DEMAND she attend marriage counseling with me! One that has experience with childhood sexual abuse! I'm not sure I would try to push her into going by threatening divorce. She sounds like the kind of person that can turn nasty at the drop of a hat.
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Hi, I need some advice. My wife and I have been together for 3 years and have a baby boy. I am 46 and she is 3 years younger. The problem comes from learning a little more about her past two marriages. She had told me that she had been married young at age 23 to a guy she dated for three years. She said that she had been married for 1 year and that "things just didn't work out" and that both had ended the marriage by mutual consent. She was married a second time at age 30 for 10 years and had three boys. She said that the marriage "just didn't work out" again. Before our marriage, she told me that both of her past husbands were "losers" that only wanted her to take care of them. If they came up, she had only bad things to say about both of them. Here is the problem. After our marriage she would sometimes say some similar things about ME. I have come to know her past husband and he seems like an o.k guy. I have found out that she had slept with at least one guy while married to him, and possibly more. This caused me some concern, and after further problems in our marriage, I decided to look up the first husband. ( I know, bad idea). Well, the first husband described a perfect nightmare of a marriage. He had dated her for three years without problems, but within 3 months of their marriage she started cheating on him. Over the course of the next 6 months she slept with around a dozen guys and two girls, including three of his friends that she had sex with in HIS house. He found out about this by reading a journal of hers and by being told by two of the "friends". She then moved out of the house to live with a man 20 years older that was married. He tried to get her back but she refused and he finally filed for divorce after a year of marriage. She ended up living with the older guy for 3 years (his wife died during this time) before leaving him for someone else. My problem is that the facts in no way fit with what she told me happened. Her behavior I find appalling, and I have trouble now trusting her when she is out by herself. She is now talking about her wonderful boss and his marital troubles. I am almost sure that nothing has happened-yet. If she cheated on her previous 3 long term relationships should I not be concerned? I feel creepy checking up on her, but only want to know the truth. She tends to shade stories of her past to make her a victim of bad men- and they deserve what they get. I have no desire to join this club. please let me know your input. Thanks. Well, both men corroborated similiar stories on her promiscuous indiscretions of the past so I believe them. If she didn't learn from her 20s or her 30s, she's probably a serial cheater and I'd watch it because she's a good liar as well. She seems to have "tamed" down but maybe that's because she's had years learning how to cover her tracks. Seems whenever a man she's married to does something wrong, she finds that as an excuse to talk **** about them and cheat behind their back. GL!@
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Thanks for your posts. I have tried talking to her some about these past relationships, but she is unwilling to say more than that the guy was a loser in some way. She places all of the blame of the breakups on the guy. When I ask her what they did, she usually comes up with what I think are very minor things, ie " He wanted ME to do his laundry" (first guy) or " he started to go to church" (second guy) A person who does not take any responsibility for their actions in all her deterioriating relationships nor wants to face any of their OWN mistakes likely will not change too significantly throughout their life character-wise. So it's likely she hasn't changed much when it comes to dealing with men. About all the cheating.. Does she have a high sex-drive or something or do you think is this about validation or revenge?
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 thanks everyone for your replies. Like I said, she hasn't DONE anything that I know of. Having learned about her past behavior makes me think that it is just a matter of time. I mean, EIGHTY partners by the age of 28? Two babies given up for adoption and never mentioned? Serial cheating on both ex husbands and ex-live in boyfriend? Group sex in High School and College? Having sex with married men in their forties while still a teenager? I'm just a normal, boring guy with a total of 5 ex lovers, 4 from relationships. I have never been around anyone with this type of history and its my WIFE. Whenever I talk to her about the past, she either is totally monosyllabic or tells me things that I know are lies. When we met, she told me that she always had to have feelings for anyone she slept with, and that I was THE ONE. I have found letters since to her ex's saying almost word for word what she has told me. I hate being so suspicious, but have my kids to think about and do not want to be made a fool of. She was sexually abused as a 11 year old and I think this has affected her relationship with men. I am starting to think that she has or had a problem with sex addiction. Meanwhile she has basically cut me off from sex with her, and seems to use it as a weapon to control me. HELP. What do you think? I am thinking of getting the hell out of the relationship but I still love her, (or at least I love who I thought I married). Wow. Well, she definitely needs some counselling but would she take that step? What do I think? That you made a mistake and got married with a liar who has lots of issues that she has never sorted out. I don't know how you should approach this though without getting on her "bad" side (unless you are already there) and experiencing her wrath and cheating ways... Maybe family counselling and avoid blaming her for anything and let the counsellor do that for the time being. I don't think she'd be able to accept her faults as of yet and then she would quickly blow up, cheat, and refer to you as an *******.
Author bligh Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Thanks everyone for your replies. I am seized by indecision on what to do. On the one hand, I'm pretty sure that my wife has not been unfaithful to ME. On the other hand, she has apparently been unfaithful in all past relationships. The part that bothers me is that she takes NO responsibility for her own actions, it is ALWAYS the guys fault that she cheated. She is also capable of what I think is stunning hypocricy- Once I told her that I had slept with one person one time while my first marriage was failing (we hadn't had sex in over a year) and that I still felt terrible about it. She became upset and said that she "didn't think she could trust me"- which only made me feel more guilty and awful- even though it was one time in a seventeen year marriage and just before my divorce. To find out that she had cheated repeatedly on all of her ex's left me wondering WTF? Now, the other day, she told me that I need to put my 13 year old daughter on the pill as "she is certainly sexually active". This made me angry as I thought she was projecting herself (35+ lovers and one baby while still in her teens) onto my daughter. My daughter is a good kid and does regular kid things. She brought up the fact that her last husband had them go to counseling but "all the counselor wanted to talk about was my past, when the problem was HIM". I am afraid to even bring up counseling but don't see how we can stay together without it, and without her being honest for a change. thanks
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 The part that bothers me is that she takes NO responsibility for her own actions, it is ALWAYS the guys fault that she cheated. Textbook. Cheaters seldom take any accountability for their actions. They rationalized the cheating so that they could do it in the first place and, unless they went back and repaired the damage via MC in the original marriage, they will never take any blame for it. This is what makes for a serial cheater btw....unless they accept accountability that they did something wrong, they'll use that same rationale again and again in all future relationships, assuming you give them ANY or even NO reason to cheat on you. Remember, cheating is about making yourself feel good...it isn't typically done to make the spouse feel bad (sometimes maybe). She felt good cheating, it was her coping mechanism. She is also capable of what I think is stunning hypocricy- Once I told her that I had slept with one person one time while my first marriage was failing (we hadn't had sex in over a year) and that I still felt terrible about it. She became upset and said that she "didn't think she could trust me"- which only made me feel more guilty and awful- even though it was one time in a seventeen year marriage and just before my divorce. To find out that she had cheated repeatedly on all of her ex's left me wondering WTF? There's an old saying that we hate the faults we see in others because we recognize them in ourselves as well. She is telling you that she's cheated so many times, and hates herself for it, that she'll hate you the same way she hates herself. She's likely been (not saying she is now) a serial cheater due to some deep-seated self-loathing issues in the first place. People will often use sex as a means to make themselves feel better about themselves or to bury a pain elsewhere. She likely has no respect for herself...so your admission makes her lose respect for you also. Now, the other day, she told me that I need to put my 13 year old daughter on the pill as "she is certainly sexually active". This made me angry as I thought she was projecting herself (35+ lovers and one baby while still in her teens) onto my daughter. My daughter is a good kid and does regular kid things. My 14 year old has been on the pill for over 2 years now, but that was due to some ovarian cyst issues. To make a blanket statement that your daughter at 13 is sexually active, with no proof, is again showing the self-loathing she has for herself and likely had for her own childhood. She was likely sexually active at that age and, therefore, thinks everyone else will be also. Her comments aside, don't make the assumption that your daughter is NOT sexually active...as a parent, you should be monitoring her activities very closely and teaching her to make good decisions about her body. But this is, again, textbook that your wife has sex-related self esteem issues. She brought up the fact that her last husband had them go to counseling but "all the counselor wanted to talk about was my past, when the problem was HIM". I am afraid to even bring up counseling but don't see how we can stay together without it, and without her being honest for a change. I'm sorry...but your wife has some psychological issues. She likely needs IC first before anything can be achieved via MC. All the signs you are painting say she's a ticking time bomb.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Now, the other day, she told me that I need to put my 13 year old daughter on the pill as "she is certainly sexually active". This made me angry as I thought she was projecting herself (35+ lovers and one baby while still in her teens) onto my daughter. My daughter is a good kid and does regular kid things. She is nuts. I'm sure you saw that before you got married. Telling you that your daughter needs to be on the pill. That makes my blood boil. Do not pump your kid with artificial hormones before she is fully developed unless you have a damn good reason! You realize that they really dont know what all the lasting effects of that can be. I would seriously put your wife in the highest risk category for cheating. Especially since you say she talks up her boss all the time. You need to get her into therapy. Not marriage counseling! IC first. She needs it bad!
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 She is nuts. I'm sure you saw that before you got married. Telling you that your daughter needs to be on the pill. That makes my blood boil. Do not pump your kid with artificial hormones before she is fully developed unless you have a damn good reason! You realize that they really don't know what all the lasting effects of that can be. I would seriously put your wife in the highest risk category for cheating. Especially since you say she talks up her boss all the time. You need to get her into therapy. Not marriage counseling! IC first. She needs it bad! I agree something is seriously wrong here.
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