spookie Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 My second rebound came to an end today. It wasn't anything special and I doubt I will care. He came over to talk and pointed out how much of a pyshco I am. Point well taken. My behaivior toward him was unpredictable, introverted, sociopathic. But that seems to be how I am toward everyone these days. The only thing I can feel, care about, believe in - is my pain. My grief over those that I've loved. It goes way back. I vaguely miss the place I was born, my native country. I see it in my dreams, and always there's a sense of longing for the feel of the sea. Then I miss my grandfather, whose love really was unconditional. I wish we had more time. I could use some of that love right now. Then there's San Francisco, where I grew up. The feel of the ocean in the air. The fog. Then Drew, my high school boyfriend, who I suppose represents my teenage years. I miss talking to him. He was very insightful, knowledgeable, and intelligent. Then my parents, miles and miles away. And miles more emotionally. I know how much hurt knowing anything about me would cause them, so I stay away. But it's so hard. I wish I could be a little girl again so I could go home, cry, and be hugged. Then my baby brother, whom I haven't seen in more than half a year. My cute nice little brother, who loves me, whom I have no idea about. He's growing up and I'm miles away and I have no idea. And, of course, Wesley. The other pea in my pod for three years. Whom I loved completely, unconditionally. I can't even begin to express how much it hurts to miss him. It's been 7 months and it isn't really getting better. I've learned a lot but mostly what I've learned is that love is better than the other things I wanted and that we had it really good =(. And that he was right about a lot of things and did really love me. I wish he was still my friend.
birdie Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 first of all, don't think that you are psycho, you never come across in your messages that way. I am sorry that you feel so lonely but at least you have all these people to think about and that you experienced love. it is a shame that your family are so far away from you but you are lucky that you have plenty of people you have fond memories of
sakeeta Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Wow..I can relate to your sadness. I wish I was a little girl again too..before I knew what all this pain was about! I miss my Granny..who loved me no matter what. She gave me the greatest gifts in my life and took away the pain of her leaving after she died. I can't explain how..I only know she did. I wish she could take away this pain now. My cousin Gina, who was my very best friend in the whole world and also loved me no matter what. She died when she was 17 & I was 16..25 long years ago. I still think of her often, and wish she was here to talk to and love me again. Most of all I think I miss the me of before..when I enjoyed being alive and looked forward to the future...the me before all the tears and sadness. It sounds to me like at least some of the people you are talking about are still alive..and they love you. Reach out to them..even if they are far away. At least they are where you can reach them...the ones I miss I can only talk to in my prayers..and they can't answer me back. Even if it causes them pain, if they love you it won't matter. Reach out to them while you still can..because you never know when the day will come they will be gone and that option won't be there for you anymore. Maybe it will help you heal. I am in the world of one of the greatest hurts I have ever known..and I only wish I had that option.
niceguy27 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I feel for ya too. I was talking with a friend last night and telling her about all the things that have happened this last year. deaths, financial troubles, moving, and most recent, my ex. She likened it to this: When you are with someone you care about, they help to shoulder the emotional burden with you. Almost like a shield for your emotions. Now that they are gone, all those issues that you thought you dealt with start to come to the surface. I feel like Im losing control of my life because of that. So in response, like you say, I am trying to reach out to old friends and family and stuff.
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