beau_cauchemar Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Many of you have been following my story but my question is a little easier (I'm trying you guys, ) this time... Recently when my ex called me after 2 months no conact AND within days of her officially starting a new relationship, I called her back several hours later. Our conversation was brief, friendly, and to-the-point (regarding her wondering if I wanted to pick up some useless stuff left at her house). There was no relationship talk whatsoever and explained that "I'm glad things are going well for you." I could tell, based on her excuse for calling, that chances are she was just "testing the waters" and, being the dumpee, wondering if she still had me on a string. At the end of the call, which I ended, I mentioned to "not be a stranger and give me a call whever she felt like it." She said that same goes for me. My question is simply this: Knowing that she was probably just seeing if I was still on her string, did the conversation that we had and my somewhat friendly openness for any contact she would make give her the impression I was was still waiting around and giving her the green light she felt she needed to start her new relationship? It seems as though she needed to find out if I was still a possible "backup" just in case things didn't work. This would allow her to, most likely, have her fun and not worry about losing me forever. Or could it be that since she still has strong feelings for me, that she had a weak emotional moment soon covered up once again by the new guy? I have a lot of self confidence but have been down on my luck socially lately. And just so you know, I would not take her back if I felt like a backup. I merely hope that there's a chance that she will someday deal with her emotions towards me and the breakup instead of ignoring them by chasing the rebound. Thanks again for reading once again. -Me
Author beau_cauchemar Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Anyone? My regular listeners? New thought: She is probably also just infatuated with the idea of going out with a 28-year old (vs. her being 20.) But do relationships typically keep their momentum based on this sort of attraction for very long? Do the differences begin to show? -Me
Blurple Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Sorry I have not read you story. It is possible that she is dating someone older because they are "more serious" about a relationship. While My girlfriend that i am trying to patch a relationship with had thoughts of dating someone older so that she would be treated better and would be serious about her and applicate her more. usually the first call after the break up is the guilt call. Sounds like you handled it well. If you still know she has feeling and called you because it was also to see if she had you on "the string," I would just as everyone else suggest dating other people. I am not here to suggest playing games with her. However, if she is keeping you on a string its all a matter of her not knowing what she want. that will speed up the process if you can successfully with-draw yourself from her slowly. Situation with develop like this if you have been dating for a while and the next step is something a lot more serious like marriage and she will be thinking one of two things: 1, she couldnt marry you, 2, she wants to see what else is out there. Good luck and keep us posted
Author beau_cauchemar Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Thanks for responding blurple. Just a quick background, 1. We dated 3 and 1/2 years 2. I'm 21 (since the age issue was brought up with her new guy) 3. Was never afraid of commitment (in fact, welcomed it), 4. Had great communication with her and were both obviously in love for a LONG time 5. She wanted space (ie. to experience new things.) 6. With no strong reasons to leave, possible immaturity in her actions. Now my response to your advice, blurple: Is it necessary or even important for her to KNOW that I'm dating other people or will simply NC accomplish that feeling of "string removal" naturally over time? I definetely think, and my female friend agrees, that she is probably just into the idea of dating a much older guy right now. But because of how we broke up, it seems like she is just "acting out" and trying something daring (being that new love most likely has not entered in due to the lack of emotional/love detatchment from me.) I can't thank everyone enought for continuing to read my posts. You have all been a great help. -Me P.S. jgarrard28, I was hoping to hear from you since our situations are so similar.
Blurple Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I understand I have gone through the same with with my current gf. However, she never really dated someone just hung out with a group of friends ie guys. Give her time NC is the best yes date other girls it might make her flip out a little like she might lose you.. Also girls see guys as a trophy sometimes. she may see you as being more desireable when you are with an other girl.
Author beau_cauchemar Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Blurple, I'm a little hung up on your advice. First, if I lucky enough to ready myself for a new relationship, found a new girl, and began dating her, wouldn't any effort I would spend making sure my ex knew seem a little...immature/desperate/reaction-seeking? I'm just a little worried that, while it would most likely get a reaction: 1. The reaction could push her closer to the new guy. 2. If she doesn't know about a new girl, nothing I can do (NC included) would ever give her the same sense of loss in terms of me not being around for her anymore? Any thoughts? I don't want to feel that a new girl is my only real attention-getting scenario. Also, could my phone call recently, and how I handled everything, give her the impression that I'm happy and not waiting around? Did the "don't be a stranger...call whenever" at the end of the call give her the impression that I was over her or that I was still holding out hope/waiting? -Me
Blurple Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I think you are readying to hard into things.. If she still has feeling for you then if you are with another girl she mad get jealous. What you said on the phone is fine.. I would just worry about NC for now. Make yourself a better person now, you want her to regret her decision right?
Author beau_cauchemar Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 I think my sense of doubt/no-hope has me looking too far into this, I agree with you there. I suspect that me dating someone else would inspire some jelousy but my question was ... Whether or not it was *important/necessary* for her to experience seeing me with someone else (vs. NC) to quickly bring on the feeling of loss. Couldn't months of NC accomplish this or would that run the risk of having her forget about me completely? Caliguy's profile quote has helped though. Not making someone a priority when all they see you as is an option. Words I'm starting to live by...slowly but surely. Girls, would you call an ex under similar circumstances if you didn't feel any emotions about them anymore? Or was my "string validation" theory more accurate? Oh and, if the older-guy thing doesn't work out, do girls usually go for another older-guy relationship or back to something more familiar? Thanks guys. -Me
Blurple Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 I think my sense of doubt/no-hope has me looking too far into this, I agree with you there. I suspect that me dating someone else would inspire some jelousy but my question was ... Whether or not it was *important/necessary* for her to experience seeing me with someone else (vs. NC) to quickly bring on the feeling of loss. Couldn't months of NC accomplish this or would that run the risk of having her forget about me completely? Caliguy's profile quote has helped though. Not making someone a priority when all they see you as is an option. Words I'm starting to live by...slowly but surely. Girls, would you call an ex under similar circumstances if you didn't feel any emotions about them anymore? Or was my "string validation" theory more accurate? Oh and, if the older-guy thing doesn't work out, do girls usually go for another older-guy relationship or back to something more familiar? Thanks guys. -Me So wont forget about you. if she did she never cared enough about you anyways. so if you think she truly cared about you then so wont forget. I am not saying that you need to rush out and get a GF right away. Maybe going on dates for now is good. NC yes keep it up. you just need to fall off the face of the earth
Author beau_cauchemar Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Sorry to bring back an old subject but I was hoping for some input from at least one other person. Girls, any views? While I'm at it...UPDATE: Apparently she has had on/off difficulties with the new guy lately in terms of boyfriend-behavior expectations. It's been quickly resolved but then again it's only 2 weeks in...tisk tisk. -Me
rcaliguy Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 beau, i'm in a very similar situation. my exgf and i dated for 3 1/2 years. she's 27 and i'm 26. long story short, we were living together, i left...now wanting back and now she doesn't want to be with me any more. we have a dog together and still talk on a regular basis. it's now been 6 weeks since our break up and she's already seeing someone else. just this week, tuesday night they had a fight and of course she calls me crying (at 3am) and there i go to her place b/c she misses me. we have a great day together on wednesday. we go out for halloween. i called her last night, only to find out she's hanging out with the new guy again. i'm having issues with her knowing how i feel about her and knowing that i'm right there if she needs me. i'm there...like you, on a string just waiting for her to call.
KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Oh god. I am a girl. And it disgusts me that a guy would let a girl treat him like this. Sorry, but the girl who would treat you like this is f---ed up in the head, self-centered, and outright cruel. They're playing the damsel in distress because they can't deal with they're own stuff, and you guys are dumb enough to go along with it. STOP STOP STOP being the knight in shining armor. A good woman doesn't treat you like a doormat, or a tool she only wants WHEN SHE DECIDES she needs you. JUST STOP IT!!!!!
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