Lee725 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I am sorry if this is long, i have never been known for short sentences! I met the most wonderful man i could have ever imagined, kind, sweet, educated, family orientated, honest. Over 12 months ago he was coming into my work talking & flirting with me. I was with someone at the time therefore i politely ignored his flirting. He went overseas for 8 months, during this time i broke up with my BF (for other reasons & i broke up with the EX 7 months before he came back). When he came back from os he tracked me down again even after i had changed jobs. We started dating, his friends told me that he was "Smitten" with me, his family apparently liked me. We shared hobbies and tastes. Everything seemed OK, but as the the time went on i noticed he would not tell me how he was feeling about me. He would say "you look nice in that", but when it came down to any hint of an emotional feeling he would clam up so fast. I heard more from his friends than him. He did not take compliments well because he said he didnt know how to take them. He would get defensive when i would try to give him one. I am normally pretty up front with my feelings but with him i felt i could not tell him because i was afraid he did not feel the same way. We were only together a few months so i was trying to work out whether it was appropriate for me to start talking about "Feelings", as time went on, i thought yes, we are both adults (both early 30's), but the conversation never really came up, and i didnt know how to start it. Because of work commitments we would only see each other on weekends, Sometimes he would not even stay with me because of reasons that seemed very lame to me. (i never told him i thought his excuses were lame) after weeks of thinking about it & whinging to my friends about it, we went out one night, i got rather drunk and it all came out. (3am in the morn - tired / drunk / i am an idiot ) I told him i felt no emotional connection with him, he said he felt that too, but he did not know why. The way i figure it, if the connection is there you can talk about the touchy feely stuff pretty openly. I was so frustrated and trying to get so much out in such a short time, that i didnt ask whether this was something he wanted to work thru, after both of us breaking down and crying for an hour he left. My huge mistake was trying to talk about it when and how i did and getting it ALL muddled up ..... it was a serious issue and should have been confronted in a clear sober mind set. 2 days later i emailed him and expressed more clearly what i had been trying to say. Again i didnt ask whether he wanted to work on it. I got a reply saying basically he thinks very highly of me but it was better that it happened now than later on. He told me i could email any time, and he still considered me a friend. How can someone chase you so hard, tell everyone but you how they feel then just walk out the door when confronted with issues of feelings? I had to tell him that i was not feeling an emotional connection with him, i could not live like i was anymore. I know that he has been stung badly in the past, as have i, given that we could talk about almost anything i thought that there was a chance that he would say "let's work it out" "lets talk about it" "lets work out why" i have had NC for almost 2 weeks. I am consumed by him. I wake up thinking about him i go to bed thinking about him. I find myself talking out loud wising he would return to me. My friends have been hypothetically Whacking me around the head for doing what i did especially they way i did it. They could all see what a great guy he was/is. I know i should email him or txt him and say "can we talk about this", but i fear that if he rejects me i will curl into a ball and die. Mayb it was not meant to be, as i am a firm believer that if you dont have that connection with someone straight away it will probably never work. But in a self contradiction i believe you must be friends first before you can be something more and we never really had the friendship to fall back on, therefore how could we have an immediate connection. Thank you for reading my silly saga, I really need some advice guys i dont know what i should be doing... walk away, chase him down, send messages to him via mutual friends and wait for him to make a move. I know that i have hurt him, he would not have cried if i didnt. Perthaps i deserve this time of despair and reflection, or did i just want too much too soon?
Spinderella Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I agree, walk away. He sounds like he is possibly a commitment phobe, but, that is just a guess. I think its never a good idea, to talk about feelings, if they are not flowing naturally, sober or not. You cant talk them into existence.
Author Lee725 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Thanks Guys, I am finding this very difficult. The more i think about it the more i feel like it would not have mattered how hard i tried it probably never would have worked. I know that i can not force someone to be open with me and i cant force someone to love me. I just wish that it did not hurt so much. No matter how much i try to justify it to myself and try to believe that i did the right thing, i feel so wrong. I feel like maybe i did or said something that made him feel this way. I will never know. I guess i can only hope that i start to feel better.
Pentula77 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Sometimes people take time to open up...which is a natural thing. After only 2 months if you get drunk and confront a person the way you did then it will more often than not cause the other person to freak out...
Racquel Colette Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I am sorry if this is long, i have never been known for short sentences! I met the most wonderful man i could have ever imagined, kind, sweet, educated, family orientated, honest. Over 12 months ago he was coming into my work talking & flirting with me. I was with someone at the time therefore i politely ignored his flirting. He went overseas for 8 months, during this time i broke up with my BF (for other reasons & i broke up with the EX 7 months before he came back). When he came back from os he tracked me down again even after i had changed jobs. We started dating, his friends told me that he was "Smitten" with me, his family apparently liked me. We shared hobbies and tastes. Everything seemed OK, but as the the time went on i noticed he would not tell me how he was feeling about me. He would say "you look nice in that", but when it came down to any hint of an emotional feeling he would clam up so fast. I heard more from his friends than him. He did not take compliments well because he said he didnt know how to take them. He would get defensive when i would try to give him one. I am normally pretty up front with my feelings but with him i felt i could not tell him because i was afraid he did not feel the same way. We were only together a few months so i was trying to work out whether it was appropriate for me to start talking about "Feelings", as time went on, i thought yes, we are both adults (both early 30's), but the conversation never really came up, and i didnt know how to start it. Because of work commitments we would only see each other on weekends, Sometimes he would not even stay with me because of reasons that seemed very lame to me. (i never told him i thought his excuses were lame) after weeks of thinking about it & whinging to my friends about it, we went out one night, i got rather drunk and it all came out. (3am in the morn - tired / drunk / i am an idiot ) I told him i felt no emotional connection with him, he said he felt that too, but he did not know why. The way i figure it, if the connection is there you can talk about the touchy feely stuff pretty openly. I was so frustrated and trying to get so much out in such a short time, that i didnt ask whether this was something he wanted to work thru, after both of us breaking down and crying for an hour he left. My huge mistake was trying to talk about it when and how i did and getting it ALL muddled up ..... it was a serious issue and should have been confronted in a clear sober mind set. 2 days later i emailed him and expressed more clearly what i had been trying to say. Again i didnt ask whether he wanted to work on it. I got a reply saying basically he thinks very highly of me but it was better that it happened now than later on. He told me i could email any time, and he still considered me a friend. How can someone chase you so hard, tell everyone but you how they feel then just walk out the door when confronted with issues of feelings? I had to tell him that i was not feeling an emotional connection with him, i could not live like i was anymore. I know that he has been stung badly in the past, as have i, given that we could talk about almost anything i thought that there was a chance that he would say "let's work it out" "lets talk about it" "lets work out why" i have had NC for almost 2 weeks. I am consumed by him. I wake up thinking about him i go to bed thinking about him. I find myself talking out loud wising he would return to me. My friends have been hypothetically Whacking me around the head for doing what i did especially they way i did it. They could all see what a great guy he was/is. I know i should email him or txt him and say "can we talk about this", but i fear that if he rejects me i will curl into a ball and die. Mayb it was not meant to be, as i am a firm believer that if you dont have that connection with someone straight away it will probably never work. But in a self contradiction i believe you must be friends first before you can be something more and we never really had the friendship to fall back on, therefore how could we have an immediate connection. Thank you for reading my silly saga, I really need some advice guys i dont know what i should be doing... walk away, chase him down, send messages to him via mutual friends and wait for him to make a move. I know that i have hurt him, he would not have cried if i didnt. Perthaps i deserve this time of despair and reflection, or did i just want too much too soon? You have misread him. He agreed with you that he didn't feel an emotional connection with you. That is why he couldn't talk about 'feelings' because he didn't feel any deep feelings for you. He jumped at the opportunity to be honest with you when you brought up the topic, drunk or not, it doesn't matter. When he told you he doesn't feel the emotional connection, he was saying he didn't feel deep feelings like he should for a serious relationship to develop, and if he felt like that, he would have felt it by now. So it is actually a good thing you talked to him or you would have still been tortured by him not expressing feelings for you....feelings he didn't have. Now when you first meet someone, you feel the butterflies and such, but after dating a while you get to know that person and the butterflies is left for deep feelings and a serious relationship or it ends. In your case the butterflies weren't replaced by real feelings, so it ended. It is good that it didn't go on longer. It would have come up soon, or he would have continued to distance himself from you more and more, until the disappearing act. A guy who is feeling a lot for a woman wants to stay overnight, that is just how it is. So you should feel proud of yourself for being honest with him at that point. It wasn't meant to be. You want a man who feels real feelings for you, don't you?
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