Vent about .... the OW

[mourningMM]

Those of you who've heard my story know, the "cliff notes" version---husband had emotional affair, ended the marriage, married the OW. I have some good days, others that aren't quite that great. It has been 6 years since this started, 2.5 since he got married to her.

 

Today my daughter called her dad's house, he wasn't home and she talked to the OW-now-stepmom. Ended the call with "yeah, I do to"

 

 

And it is eating me alive. The jealousy that came up was so strong I left the room. My child, who I love saying what might have been "I love you" to the woman that was pivotal to the death of my marriage. I loved him, he loved her.

 

Sh*t. Crap. I know she is smooth as butter to them (avoids me like the plague)...and that eventually they would probably like her.

 

But LOVE her, this is a knife that cuts deeper than the heart, it hits the nerve that runs from my soul directly to my bowels.

 

And this is all assumption, parti ally based on the fact that I heard those very words from her father's mouth when he talked to his "friend".

 

I'm driving myself nuts....and just need to vent somewhere so I don't unload on her.

 

Maybe I'll clean the basement. Finish laundry.

 

But if I don't sleep tonight, it will play even harder on my mind tomorrow. I know a bout of "ruminating thoughts" when I see one. And this one is the tsunami of fear. What do I do if my children come to love her...

 

I accept that they love their father, they must he is their father. But my Lord do I need to accept that they might love the other person besides him who had equal participation in the most painful event of my life?

 

OK, I know this shouldn't reflect on me, or how they feel toward me. And I know that wanting them to hate her would be wrong. But accepting that they could love someone who hurt me? How....I don't have the strenght for that.

[milx]

I don't think your kids love her the way they love you. That's for sure. They could just be polite. What else can they say? "I hate you for breaking my parents' M"? Look at this way, you brought them up well.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I'm so sorry, Mourning - I don't know that I have any advice. I just want to say I'm sorry and you are doing the right thing venting here and not to or near your daughter.

 

I understand how painful that betrayal is. I can't even imagine what I will do if they end up getting married. I'm just so, so sorry.

 

The only thing I can think to say is that when your kids get older and learn the truth, they will be so proud of you and admire you for your strength. I hope you can take some comfort in that.

[Trimmer]

Mourning -

 

One thing I will pound into you, which I hope will help: your children will never forget - even slightly, even for a moment - that you are their one and only Mother-with-a-capital-M.

 

Now I know there are a lot of other layers stacked in here, but amidst all the other junk, that is one truth that you can count on and hold on to.

 

I am in a similar position to you: my wife had an at-least-EA, left me - supposedly "not about him", but of course she is now living with him, seemingly long-term. Our kids are with her half the time, and thus, he is a part of the household, part of the family. Like it or not.

 

I've decided that the mental and emotional health of my kids is the priority, and so I've done my best to work out my own anger and hurt separately, and keep them out of things, and frankly, I think I've done a pretty good job so far. I accept, as a given, that "he" is going to be a part of their lives, and I've even come to accept that he may well be a positive part of their lives, and that if that happens, and it is to my kids' benefit, then that's good.

 

It doesn't mean it hurt any less early on when I knew they were doing fun things as a "family" on days when the kids weren't with me. And I certainly had my share of fear at the idea of anyone other than me being in the position of a father figure to them.

 

But I remember that I am, and always will be, their only Father, as you are your kids' only Mother. And when I look into their eyes, when I feel how they hug me, when I talk to them, I know this - I feel it down to my core.

 

So I have made my peace with it, because I've made it a point to make it work, and I've done that on the strength and confidence that no one will ever replace me, because I think that is what it came down to. And I wonder if that is it for you, too: I was afraid I would be replaced - or minimized - in their lives. I don't have that fear any more, and you don't need to have it either.

 

The "truth" your daughter needs to know, she already knows. Trust me: she knows exactly who her Mother is, and there is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING that will ever change that. You are The One, and you always will be.

 

Look - as time goes on, our kids are going to say "I love you" to other people - some we will grudgingly approve of, and some we certainly will not. I know that this one particular person is the last person in the world that you want that to happen with - from your own perspective - but it doesn't change your daughter's relationship with you, and frankly, for your daughter to have a good, cordial - maybe even "loving" - relationship with step-mom is probably a more healthy thing for her than there being some kind of twisted, torn-loyalty emotional tension in that household.

 

One other thing that occurred to me: maybe your daughter doesn't really want to return the sentiment, so the "yeah, I do too" may just be a way to handle the uncomfortable situation where someone at the other end says "I love you" (maybe trying too hard?) and, well, what else are you going to say? "I love me, too..." (Trying to make you smile a little...)

 

It may not be the kind of thing you can talk about with your daughter, given your strong feelings, but it may be something she is trying to work out. Maybe if step-mom tries that a few times and gets the lukewarm reaction, she'll back off. Maybe your daughter really does have some kind of a decent relationship with her. Hard to hear, I know, but again, I'll repeat the important point: it doesn't equal, replace, or displace the relationship she has with you.

[Shades of Grey]

M,

 

My parents split up when I was very young and my father went on to marry his OW. Although at the time I was too young to know that she was the third party involved in their marriage.

 

My stepmum has always been warm and caring towards me and my siblings and 20 years on I can say that I do love her and all of them (father and stepbrother) as a family but it doesn't even compare on any level to the love I have for my mother whom I adore. I am aware of every sacrifice she made in bringing us up and how stong she must have been. Now, I like to go and visit my father and his family and spend time with them but there is nothing I wouldn't do for my mum.

 

I can understand how it might tear you apart to think of your children feeling any level of affection towards her but as someone already mentioned I think, the alternative of divided loyaltys is a much worse scenario for the kids. Feel safe in the knowledge that you are irreplacable in their eyes.

[mourningMM]

You made me smile, both of you...and cry a bit.

 

I was shaken to the core when he left; I have come to describe the way he handled it by saying that he "raped my soul and stole my trust". I used to believe in happily ever after; now I have trouble believing in anyone or anything. I started having anxiety attacks during the end of the marriage, and sometime they reoccur. I believe that is what happened last night.

 

I know on an intellectual level you are right; but I used to "know" that my husband loved me. When I found out just how wrong I was, I stopped trusting myself.

 

The road has been long, but I am beginning to believe, and most of all I do know that my children love me. But sometimes I see him shining out of their eyes....and in that moment I believe that it is possible for them to leave too.

 

Trimmer and Shades, you both have touched that sad sore part of my sole that is scabbed over, and your touch has healed it. If total strangers say the same thing that my heart wants to believe; then maybe if I believe I won't be hurt again.

[abeliever]

Dear Mourning-

 

I sat here and cried reading your post. I wanted to say how sorry and at the same time applaud you for keeping your tongue. You are a true mother who loves their child. You can see that very clearly. Remember, even in your time of need you can and will get thru this. Hard to believe I know. But life will one day soon get sweeter and may even be the BEST thing ever happen to you.

 

So, when you get that urge, clean your basement, clean out that garage and when the moment passes, just know you showed class. Which is more than I can say for the OW. She may end up married to him, so, he may even do the same to her. When that time comes, that will be you shining moment to dance til the cows come home!

 

Keep your head up, its life, sucks, but you are alive and well and so are your kids. That is the most important thing.

 

abeliever

[mourningMM]

And it was even more difficult because the kids dad decided that they needed to be in the wedding.

 

My son was best man, which was fine.

My daughter was pressured into being the maid of honor....even though she asked to be a "groomswoman".

 

Their dad said it would look funny in the pictures if she wasn't on the OWs side, and that the wedding was a "coming together of a family".

 

The really sad thing is after he asked her to marry him, he asked the kids if it were ok. They said no, he should wait until they were in college. He told her, she got mad, and they had to give her a formal appology and extra presents at Christmas (that he paid for).

 

And there is a part of me that to this day wonders how my ex and this woman can look in the mirror.

 

On days when my anxiety is in check, all I can do is shake my head in horror; he has no idea how many lines he crosses on the way to what he wants.