KATANYA Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Was reading another post that talked about the man who had an A that lasted decades, built a home with the OW, etc. (in the post about suing the OP but I won't go there...already being hashed out in another thread:rolleyes:) This story got me to thinking about a conversation some of us had over the differences between long term affairs and 'flings'. So many BS have pointed out that they stay to make their M work, their WS realizes the error of their ways and their WS regrets the A but what if the A is never discovered? Would the A end at all in a lot of these cases? MM who are involved in long term A's with the OW obviously have developed strong emotions, connections and love for the OW....some have A's that last years/decades. It can't be only about 'stranger sex' as some put it or 'filling a void'.....these MM do fall in love with their OW and make a life with them separate from their M (where they also love their W and family). Some go to great lengths to provide for the OW. So in these cases, the MM is not just looking for his "cake" and eating it too because the novelty and the 'hot' sex, etc. do all wear off after time and then what's left is a relationship. The MM never leaves the M where he remains committed and involved but obviously commits to another as well. I'm not trying to split hairs and catagorize "cheaters" but there is a difference between a MM that has a one night 'fling' and some of these A's that have gone on for years,IMO. I believe that MM do fall in love with the OW and that these relationships are based on more than just sex and the MM's boredom and OW neediness. The more posts I read, the more I think the MMs in a lot of these cases do love the OW and do so without losing the love he has for the W - two separate lives, two separate loves. I'm not saying it's right but I believe it happens equally as often as the cases where the MM sees the OW as a 'fling' or a 'side dish'. Not saying that the MM is not a selfish ba*tard - but do you think we've minimized the impact of the MM/OW relationship to 'its about the sex' or 'its trying to see if he's still got it' mentality. No doubt that happens but I really think some of these stories really would end up in long term relationships (and have) without the D-Day happening providing the OW could be content in this type of relationship (and certainly that would take a very independent woman). Just thinking out loud here I guess. Does anyone else see that there is a difference between a long term affair and a 'fling'? Does it make you think any more or any less of the MM/OW and their relationship? I've asked before but which one would be the 'deal breaker' for the BS, several short term 'flings' (one night stands) or a long term affair, or would either? I do believe people can fall in love even once they are married and I do believe people can do so without falling out of love with their spouse. I also believe that makes the MM different than the serial "cheater' who simply wants the sex with whoever at the moment. While this theory does not pertain to my situation it certainly does seem to for many others I've read.
White Flower Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Does anyone else see that there is a difference between a long term affair and a 'fling'? Does it make you think any more or any less of the MM/OW and their relationship? I've asked before but which one would be the 'deal breaker' for the BS, several short term 'flings' (one night stands) or a long term affair, or would either? I do believe people can fall in love even once they are married and I do believe people can do so without falling out of love with their spouse. I also believe that makes the MM different than the serial "cheater' who simply wants the sex with whoever at the moment. While this theory does not pertain to my situation it certainly does seem to for many others I've read. Hi Katanya, Once my MM and I went from an EA to a PA, I was stunned really to find the level of commitment and attachment from him. If neither of us were in committed Rs, you would think our next step was marriage. Sex did not cheapen the R in any way, at least that is my perception. I did not know then and he hasn't admitted it now, but I do believe he loves his wife. He would never want to hurt her. I cannot answer for her, but if Dday ever came, I think she would take him back as long as he ended it with me. Who could blame her? And I believe he would stick to NC to appease her. He has not "set up" a life for me or spoiled me financially like I hear some do, but he does have the personal attachment and devotion that connotes a long-term love affair as opposed to a cheater or serial cheater.
lost4ever Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Them building a "love nest" or paying your bills does not mean they care more about you then the next, It means they have a lot of money (and understand that buying property is a better investment then paying for hotels). My A would have went on forever, and ever, and ever, not because he loved me, because he is a turd......If he loved me, he would leave his "unhappy" M for me...no ifs, no buts, he would have just left... some MM's even like to do the pay bills and such (they are in control when they do this) My MM brought up a few times how he would pay my bills if I left my H, (don't need my bills paid, I needed him to leave his wife.)
lost4ever Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 some MM's even like to do the pay bills and such (they are in control when they do this) My MM brought up a few times how he would pay my bills if I left my H, (don't need my bills paid, I needed him to leave his wife.) The point of that was not to brag, but to say that MM would have paid my bills, and he did not love me
justice Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 There is a vast difference between a one night stand and a long term affair. Either way you slice it though, it's still adultery and it's still wrong. When you get married you are promising someone to love and be with only that person, you do so in the eyes of the law and God. I think that ought to count for something, but sadly enough these days it doesn't seem to. If you are going to fall in love with someone else when you are married, I fully believe that you should be brutally honest with your spouse so that they can go on and have a full productive life of their own, or at the very least make their own informed decision on what to do. Not telling about the affair doesn't make it right, it only makes it worse when the truth does come out. But there again, that's just my own opinion. When I make a promise, I keep it.
bluebluesky Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Justice, other than your first sentence, I'm not sure that your post really addressed the original poster's question. It seems like most of what you wrote is basically an op/ed piece about why you think extra-marital relationships are wrong. Your post is probably better for the infidelity forum. Now, as for the original poster's question.... Yes, I do think that there is a difference between a short and long term relationship. Oftentimes, I think, a "fling" is simply about the sex. Once a relationship becomes long term, it is more emotional. Bonds develop. I do believe people can fall in love even once they are married and I do believe people can do so without falling out of love with their spouse. I also believe that makes the MM different than the serial "cheater' who simply wants the sex with whoever at the moment. Agreed.
milx Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I love sex. Sex is good. I love love. Love is good. I believe... no, I know there is a difference between LTR and flings. Those who can't see the difference, need to have more sex in their lives. Or is it love??
justice Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Justice, other than your first sentence, I'm not sure that your post really addressed the original poster's question. It seems like most of what you wrote is basically an op/ed piece about why you think extra-marital relationships are wrong. Your post is probably better for the infidelity forum. Now, as for the original poster's question.... Yes, I do think that there is a difference between a short and long term relationship. Oftentimes, I think, a "fling" is simply about the sex. Once a relationship becomes long term, it is more emotional. Bonds develop. Agreed. BBS, I was referring to the question she posted further down in her post. What's your point? I think I'm in the right forum here . Just thinking out loud here I guess. Does anyone else see that there is a difference between a long term affair and a 'fling'? Does it make you think any more or any less of the MM/OW and their relationship? I've asked before but which one would be the 'deal breaker' for the BS, several short term 'flings' (one night stands) or a long term affair, or would either?
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 'its trying to see if he's still got it' mentality. . i dont understand this one because it sounds like it would be a cyclical event. the guy is going to know if "he's still got it" in another 10 years too when he doesn't feel too great about himself right now at this age. i just think that when the opportunity presents itself, he jumps no matter what and then they want to blame everything on "mid-life" crisis. how many do they expect to have in one lifetime? let me know before i marry you.
lost4ever Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 It's like they say, A man is only as faithful as his options!
NoIDidn't Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I don't believe it is about falling in love in most or even all cases. I believe it was because they haven't been caught, they never had to make a decision. Plus, if the OW is willing to hang on forever and ever, no MM is going to turn her away unless he gets tired of his double life. Most As of this kind of duration only get detected in the event of the MP's death. I know its only a fictional TV drama, but Brother's and Sisters is about such an A. And, while the OW is not reforming or necessarily repentant. She seems to realize now that her MM is dead, that she really did get the short end of the stick. No matter how long they kept up the A. My point, I don't think love is the operative word. More like convenience, greed, entitlement, etc.. Like in most A cases, the person in the most "love" is generally the woman. A man can come back everyday for years and not be doing it for love. IMHO.
Meaplus3 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 BBS, I was referring to the question she posted further down in her post. What's your point? I think I'm in the right forum here . Just thinking out loud here I guess. Does anyone else see that there is a difference between a long term affair and a 'fling'? Does it make you think any more or any less of the MM/OW and their relationship? I've asked before but which one would be the 'deal breaker' for the BS, several short term 'flings' (one night stands) or a long term affair, or would either? I think any of them would be a deal breaker for the bs, it's all a form of betrayel and very wrong! It drives me crazy as to why so many have "lines" so to speak when it come's to betrayel. Ea's, "Well no sex, NOT cheating", One nlight stand's, "Oppsie I made a one time mistake", come on already its all cheating!! Keeping any relationship a secret with someone of the oppsoite sex while in a marriage or long term R is simply a form of Infedelity and a breech in ones martial vows case in point! I know my ea was very WRONG but I am also proud of myself that I was fully able to admit that to Myself and my H. AP:)
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 They are different, of course: Flings are like test driving a vehicle - you test it out, you return it with no intent beyond that. Long term affairs are like leasing a car - you have it for a while, benefit from it, and when you are finished with the lease you turn it back in. I think one of the saddest stories I read was on another board. This one OW had been in a relationship with her MM for more than thirty years. He came to her recently, and told her that he was too old to be having an affair anymore, and cut it off with her. She wasted more than thirty years waiting for this man. Now she is in her retirement age, alone, with no family or future romantic prospects. I guess if you are going to get yourself into a long term arrangement with a MM, you may as well plan your life in preparation for being alone and self sufficient, because regardless of how 'loving' a relationship like this is - it can and usually does end up in a dead end like this one did.
NoIDidn't Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 They are different, of course: Flings are like test driving a vehicle - you test it out, you return it with no intent beyond that. Long term affairs are like leasing a car - you have it for a while, benefit from it, and when you are finished with the lease you turn it back in. I think one of the saddest stories I read was on another board. This one OW had been in a relationship with her MM for more than thirty years. He came to her recently, and told her that he was too old to be having an affair anymore, and cut it off with her. She wasted more than thirty years waiting for this man. Now she is in her retirement age, alone, with no family or future romantic prospects. I guess if you are going to get yourself into a long term arrangement with a MM, you may as well plan your life in preparation for being alone and self sufficient, because regardless of how 'loving' a relationship like this is - it can and usually does end up in a dead end like this one did. I read that story too. What was amazing to me was how it seemed he was able to just break up with her so easily. But I doubt he was paying her bills or put her in a house if it was that easy. Unfortunately, stories like that are not all that uncommon. Some people look at the long-term A's like they are some kind of romance novel. But the truth is, if the guy was really intending on doing more than "leasing" the R, he would have gone ahead and purchased it no matter what the cost. Plus, men that put their mistresses up in condos and the like do it for control, IMO. The amount of men I have had offer me such an arrangement (complete strangers, at that ) have always said 'I will give you whatever you want, you just can't refuse me when I come for my visits'. No love in that. But I am also sure that that doesn't fit a romantic affair. But it really won't matter to his W, romantic or not.
child_of_isis Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I think for an OW, a long term A is even more cruel than a fling. Some women have lost some of the best years of their life in an MM's bird cage. They wake up one day, no family, no friends, no children, no husband..... and no youth.
bunset Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 There is a vast difference between a one night stand and a long term affair. Either way you slice it though, it's still adultery and it's still wrong. When you get married you are promising someone to love and be with only that person, you do so in the eyes of the law and God. I think that ought to count for something, but sadly enough these days it doesn't seem to. <snip> Really, what has the law got to do with anyone's M or sex life? And God is different for different people. There are quite a few very loving and 'committed' couples that haven had a M solemnized by state or clergy.
nadiaj2727 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 This post made me think of polygamy. If the MM loves both the W and the OW, and, as is sometimes the case, the W knows about and tolerates or accepts the OW (or, MM tells W it's over with OW but it really isn't, and so both the M and the A go on), why doesn't the MM just marry OW too and have two Ws? I'm not saying it's for me, but I think that's why some fundamentalist religious sects justify polgyamy... why throw away the old lady when you find a new young one? They feel it would be better for the H to keep his obligations/ responsibilities to his long-term W if he is going to live the exciting passions with his new OW, and that he should also have certain obligations to the new OW than just (as other posts have just talked about in this thread) using her up and then discarding her after he's finally tired of her and he's STILL married to W. To me, polygamy sounds no worse than a LTR A and perhaps even better because it involves the consent of all parties and everyone knows what's going on. Of course both the examples I've given are based on sexist ideas of the man "taking care of" the women or "using" the women... in this day and age, it could easily be the woman with a H and a OM lol. It sounds like I'm advocating polygamy lol, and I'm not, but I've always wondered why it's illegal if having As isn't illegal!
GreenEyedLady Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I think for an OW, a long term A is even more cruel than a fling. Some women have lost some of the best years of their life in an MM's bird cage. They wake up one day, no family, no friends, no children, no husband..... and no youth. Wow, generalizations, generalizations, generalizations... How many OW here have family? Me... How many OW have friends? Me... How many OW have children? Me... How many OW have a H? Not me, anymore... And I will be young as long as I feel it... I don't see how I am getting the short end of any stick... I don't have to do anything I don't want to and I have my own full life...which I share with my partner... I don't see the traditional M pact as a necessary part of my life...I look around here and see all the problems with it...If M is so great, why are over 60% stepping out of it, living dual lives? My worst day single isn't half as bad as my best day M... I'll take my singlehood any day...
Cobra_X30 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 It's like they say, A man is only as faithful as his options! I dont think that is accurate "A man is only as faithful as he chooses to be!" - Cobra You can quote that.
troutie jr Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Wow, generalizations, generalizations, generalizations... How many OW here have family? Me... How many OW have friends? Me... How many OW have children? Me... How many OW have a H? Not me, anymore... And I will be young as long as I feel it... I don't see how I am getting the short end of any stick... I don't have to do anything I don't want to and I have my own full life...which I share with my partner... I don't see the traditional M pact as a necessary part of my life...I look around here and see all the problems with it...If M is so great, why are over 60% stepping out of it, living dual lives? My worst day single isn't half as bad as my best day M... I'll take my singlehood any day... Yes! Yes! Yes! It all comes down to secure and independance. Has nothing to do with another person.
simplegirl Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Wow, generalizations, generalizations, generalizations... How many OW here have family? Me... How many OW have friends? Me... How many OW have children? Me... How many OW have a H? Not me, anymore... And I will be young as long as I feel it... I don't see how I am getting the short end of any stick... I don't have to do anything I don't want to and I have my own full life...which I share with my partner... I don't see the traditional M pact as a necessary part of my life...I look around here and see all the problems with it...If M is so great, why are over 60% stepping out of it, living dual lives? My worst day single isn't half as bad as my best day M... I'll take my singlehood any day... So very true!!!!!
Author KATANYA Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Hey GEL.....just saw your post and wanted to let you know I LOVED it....if everyone had this kind of attitude and control over their own life we would all live sooooo much happier. Power to you girl!
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