Author rose11 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 So logistics and all How long is too long? To wait that is... And yes he does know I have the two kids, he has spoke to them and is very nice to them.
oppath Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 So logistics and all How long is too long? To wait that is... And yes he does know I have the two kids, he has spoke to them and is very nice to them. You shouldn't be WAITING period. How does waiting enter this equation? Don't wait. Hell, ask him out if you are interested. Don't wait at all, but don't dismiss him. Don't be cold to him because he doesn't ask you out. Be warm, flirt, whatever you feel like. There is no waiting if you do those things. All those things are positive experiences. What do you mean by wait? I mean, if he asks you out a week from now, would you say "you waited too long, buddy! Sorry, but I've got a 3 week window for a neighbor to start dating me." Basically, you should be living your life and this person should be in it when you encounter him. When that happens, be friendly and flirt. If he doesn't ask you out, he doesn't ask you out, but he can still be a friend, a babysitter, or the person you will meet someone through when he throws a BBQ, for example. If you are asking: is he interested...I don't know. Probably not, as most men you meet, even if they are warm and friendly, aren't interested. But ultimately, the way he has behaved does not mean he is not interested. It simply means there is no way to know, and if he is interested, it's not a knock against him that he hasn't asked you out yet. So no, you shouldn't be waiting. You should be warm and pleasant and friendly with no greater expectation. Are you interested in him? Or are you interested in him being interested in you?
blueberry sundae Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 It's called getting to know the logistics of a girls situation, i.e. single, long distance boyfriend, going through a divorce, etc. Where I ask a girl out to depends on the same logistics: how I interact with her and what I feel we have in common. If you are going to see a girl often, it's best to wait a few encounters and build rapport, to get to know a woman's story. I do it because I've had more success this way. Nothing is wrong with waiting 2-3 weeks to ask out a woman you know you will see often. I'm not going to ask a hot coworker to happy hour my first day on the job. I'm going to flirt and get to know her first. And girls call me dude all the time. I like it. They can call me brah too. Well, a softball team situation you know (or have a pretty good idea unless she suddenly breaks her leg or moves out of town suddenly for an awesome job offer), that you're going to see her again. So you go to some games and have plenty of chances to chat, and then you ask her out after a few times because you have had a chance to gauge her interest. In that situation, you can pretty well guess she will say "yes" because she would have already mentioned if she had a boyfriend if you kept talking to her and that was the case. It is different if you see a woman of interest at a bar, or in the dentist office waiting room, or at a random party and she is the 2nd cousin of the hostess's best friend's aunt. You don't know if you're ever going to see this woman again in your life. So....in this case, you have probably 10 minutes (especiallly in the case of the dental office waiting room) or so to make an impression and get her phone number (which is the same as asking out, because it takes a man to ask a woman for her phone number, especially after just meeting her.) I'm a woman and this is pretty obvious.
Kamille Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 LOL. Enough with the rhetoric. You know what, I think understand. There was this one guy I was interested in and he had this great opportunity to ask me out and didn't do it. That's when I decided that he just wasn't into me. He was one of my potentials for about 3 weeks. I gave him plenty of signs I was interested. (Touching them on the arm or better yet knee - dead give away). He was demoted to just plain cute guy to flirt with after.
blueberry sundae Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I disagree with this notion as well. My bf took awhile to ask me out and he later told me it was because he was intimidated by me and also wasn't sure if I was interested. I thought I was showing clear interest, but apparently it wasn't clear to him. Well, look at how many problems you're having. You're plagued with insecurity regarding the relationship and if he's truly as much into you as you are into him. And he didn't IM you last night when he said he would (why couldn't he have called?)
Author rose11 Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Ok So I had to post an update - So we have spoken more since I posted this. He made a point to tell my kids to stop by at Halloween for candy. I didnt know if he really was going to get them something and he did. I got lucky before the kids had to go to his door to trick or treat and ran into him in the hall and we started chatting - he went to his apartment and got two bags that he had bought for the kids and made up especially for them. We talked for about 20 minutes that night chatting about more personal issues than the weather. A week later we ran into each other as I was taking out the garbage and we chatted again for a long time. This time we basically spilled about personal issues such as age family siblings his situation that brought him to the apartment which he had a relationship that did not work out with a woman who was a single mother. They fought all of the time and he said that he wasn't brought up that way and didnt want to live like that and I told him that I was divorced for that and other reasons also. The conversation flowed and we laughed and connected and kept the conversatin going he told me where he worked and etc. He did ask three times what the kids and I were doing that night and eveyone said that wad the line that he was throwing out that I didnt bite on just because I didnt get it (was that true). If I see him leaving his apartment he looks at my door every time and pauses as if to see if I'm home or looks up into my window if he is walking up. So any other thoughts on how this is going? What should I do. I feel like a teenager again because I was out of the dating scene for about 10 years. Most of the conversaition seems like he is giving me his credentials (not in a creepy way) that he doenst like to go and drink and party and he loves his family and neices and nephews. I am lost on what to do if anything. I get the vibe he likes me and I am worried that I might be giving off the wrong signals. I cant see my self saying hey come over for cake or do you wanna go out sometime... What do you think???? Thanks again - Rose
D-Lish Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Getting back into dating after a divorce is as strange as it is frightening. Okay- about the whole "he's not that into you" thing. That doesn't apply in your situation. You're not even dating.... just in the initial stages of getting to know one another. Also- you are not teenagers, you are both post divorce mature adults who have had experiences that have made you cautious. All of the signs you recognize are positive. People who have experienced failure or strife with relationships don't act immediately when they are interested in someone. Being cautious and taking things slowly is a good method of feeling out the other person. He sounds interested. And you should probably trust your gut feeling.... if you feel it- the attraction is there. have you given him any indication that you are interested? If so, how have you done so? D
homerunmama Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I am basically in the same situation as you, only my "interest" has been widowed for less than a year. I've been getting mixed signals, too - lots of flirty conversation and going out of his way to speak to me anytime we meet except when he is in the company of the late wife's family. I can understand that - he's a really nice guy, ex-military, and is probably trying to be understanding of their feelings also. All of my friends, as well as all of the advice I've gotten on this site, say that he is definitely interested in me, but I agree with D-lish - my gut is telling me that he is being cautious, not only because of his own situation, but because I am newly divorced and he may not be sure whether I am ready to date or not. I am trying my best to let him know I AM ready without "chasing" him or being too "forward", as my mother used to say. I haven't read the book in question (yet), but I'd be willing to say that, in our case, having to get back in the dating scene after many years and having "issues" to go along with that, we might have to temper the advice in that book with a little more patience than what would be normal. I keep telling myself that I have actually been through this before, in high school - a guy who turned out to be probably the biggest love of my life (until now) flirted and carried on with me for every bit of six months before he finally asked me out - and he was well known at the time for being a "ladies man". He nearly drove me crazy before he finally asked me out, but it was well worth the wait - and he later told me that that the fact that I didn't call him or otherwise "chase" him (only because my mother wouldn't let me, at the time, mind you) only made him more determined to make me like HIM enough to go out with him. And believe you me, there was major "flirty flirty" going on for every bit of those six months. I don't know how often you see your "interest" - I only see mine when I happen to run into him at the store, at a school function with our daughters, at a local restaurant, or at church on Sunday morning - but I would continue to do as you have been, and as I am trying to do - make eye contact, smile every chance you get, do everything to let him know you're interested and pleased to be in his company WITHOUT chasing him. Maybe both of them will succumb to the old "absence makes the heart grown fonder" ! Good luck - I hope we don't have to wait much longer!
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