rose11 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Ok so I bought the book Tells me that If he doesnt act right away - he's just not into me.... So Does it really apply to real life? If he talks to me a couple of times and doesn't ask me out is that true. I've been off the dating scene for a while, divorced as of last November. I think now I have two prospective interests because I am ready. But what about him? I have a neighbor (I live in an apartment with my two kids) and about a week before we had started talking I actually said to my friend that I thought maybe he had a thing for me - dunno why just got that vibe. Soon after that he actually made the move to start up a conversation. So we have spoken a few times - he lets me in his personal space, makes good eye contact, seems interested in what I have said all the telltale signs. So how long do I wait? Is there any "time-meter" of love? Do I say ok three weeks from last Tuesday if he doesnt ask me out - he's just not that interested? What is your opinion? Guys especially.....help!!!!
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 There is no time limit, only a limit on how long you will accept less than strong interest from someone. I'd say it is possible that he wants you to give him a green light that it is ok to flirt more. Guys sometime need that green light.
OpenBook Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 There is no time limit, only a limit on how long you will accept less than strong interest from someone. I'd say it is possible that he wants you to give him a green light that it is ok to flirt more. Guys sometime need that green light. I disagree. Guys know what they want, and they do not hesitate to go after what they want if they feel strongly enough about it. If he's not coming after you like GANGBUSTERS, there's a good reason why. And it usually has nothing to do with you... But it's enough of a good reason for you NOT to make any moves yourself. Like, your guy could have Herpes, and so he's biding his time with you, testing the waters little by little until he's got you so hooked you'll agree to anything he suggests. You don't want to be in that position. Ever.
blueberry sundae Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I agree with OpenBook, if he is truly interested,he will come knocking on your door soon with some excuse, just so he can see you. (Do you happen to have a cup of sugar?) type thing. He might do this a few times, and then he should ask you out, but it shouldn't take too long. He knows you exist. So, he will find you if he wants to go out with you. Right now, there's nothing to do except be friendly when you happen to run into him (but PLEASE don't blow it and initiate contact with him. He has to do it or it's pretty much done with.)
mpower95 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I also agree with Openbook and Blueberry. This guy knows where you live and if he was truly interested, he would find a way to come by to your place. Does he know you are divorced and have two kids? He could be turned off by that fact.
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Here's why I disagree with the "he's not into you" line of thinking...I subscribe to it during dating and after a breakup, but not necessarily before dating occurs. It is not a reflection of him having a lack of confidence or some other issue if he is interested and not coming on strong. Any number of things can be going on, most notably: He lives in the same apartment complex as her. If it's a mega-place with several hundred units, that is no big deal, but I've been hesistant to date women who have lived in my same complex. It can become really awkward. If there was someone I was interested in, I'd slowly get to know the woman. There is nothing worse than going on a bad date or two with a neighbor, and then seeing that person at your mailbox each day. Also, I've seen girls who were interest in guys act really standoffish towards them, so the guy, who was interested, doesn't make a move. This happens a lot. Coming off of a divorce, and not having dated, it is possible she isn't projecting the right vibes to him. I have no way of knowing how she interacts with him, and honestly, she wouldn't objectively know either. It is very possible he isn't receiving the "gentleman, start your engines" vibe from her and that her being a neighbor is a boundary he is unsure how to deal with, without a green light. The women who live in my complex...I am attracted to some of them, but I take any interactions quite slowly and essentially wait for them to give me a go ahead signal before I make a move. A girl I met through friends of friends at a party, I'd interact much differently with. Of course, it is possible he is just being friendly to his new neighbor, too. He might not have any interest. But to say "he hasn't asked me out yet he's been talking to me casually for 2-3 weeks, therefore he isn't interested" is a stretch. There isn't a timeline for the initial move in this situation. He could very well be testing the waters considering she is a neighbor. Perhaps he doesn't want to come on too strong fearing she'd think he was some sexual creep. You just don't know. The "he's just not into you" mantra does not apply to all situations. He's making an effort to get to know her and inviting her into his space. To me, that implies interest, though it could just be friendliness. I'm doing something similar with a girl at the moment, and I'm arranging for us to hang out this weekend. It's not a date. I'll make a move IF she gives me the appropriate vibe, but I've also had girls give me poor vibes in the past, even though they later confessed they really liked me. It's not a lack of confidence I haven't said "want to go out." There are logistics involved and I need to calibrate my efforts to those logistics. So my advice is: don't pin any hopes on this guy. Do what you've been doing, and be warm to him when you see him. In the meantime, explore other guys. If he doesn't eventually make a move, he might become a good friend, a babysitter, etc, and you may meet someone through him. But to say "he's just not into you" implies you should dismiss him. I'd do the opposite. I'd become more warm, because if you do that, I see nothing but positive outcomes.
uniqueone Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I disagree. Guys know what they want, and they do not hesitate to go after what they want if they feel strongly enough about it. If he's not coming after you like GANGBUSTERS, there's a good reason why. Not so. Read the posts by men on this forum and you'll see that plenty of men don't know what they want or how to go after it. To the OP...throw away that darn book already and just go out and do things on your own without thinking about them, worrying about what they're thinking or what they're going to do. Turn your outlook around. It's not whether or not they're into you....make it whether YOU'RE into them. Better yet, don't even think about it either way, just let what happens, happen.
shadowplay Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I disagree with this notion as well. My bf took awhile to ask me out and he later told me it was because he was intimidated by me and also wasn't sure if I was interested. I thought I was showing clear interest, but apparently it wasn't clear to him.
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I disagree with this notion as well. My bf took awhile to ask me out and he later told me it was because he was intimidated by me and also wasn't sure if I was interested. I thought I was showing clear interest, but apparently it wasn't clear to him. But why would you want a guy who is so unconfident . I am being sarcastic. It's not always easy to ask out a girl. The only time I'm approaching like gangbusters is when I don't care about the outcome, but those times I also don't care about the girl. If I actually like someone, I may look for more signals, so I'm sure they like me and aren't just being friendly.
Lyssa Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I wouldn't live by that book. I don't know what's the big deal about that book. I believe it in doing things my way and so far, I haven't failed. You gotta follow your instincts. Just be yourself and go out and get to know more men. Like Oppath said, he could be your babysitter in the near future - who knows.
Trialbyfire Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 What I found worked for me is to start dating a couple of guys casually, after we separated. Both men were the perfect guys for this because they weren't relationship guys. I also was upfront about dating them in tandem and not to look to me for any frustration relief. Upon receipt of the officially rubber-stamped docs, I found myself going through a vulnerable time. If you haven't started dating until a similar time, do yourself a favour and date casually. Do not look for a relationship, whether you feel you're ready or not. Just relax and enjoy your freedom. As for the guy next door, as long as he's a cool guy, there's no reason not to give him a big green light. I dated a neighbor not too long ago and we separated amicably, since once again, I wasn't ready for more, although I didn't realize it at the time. Great guy. We're still friends. Who knows what might happen in the future.
garnet Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I had a similar situation with my neighbor. We bantered back and forth for more than six months before he finally asked me out. Even then, it took a big hint from me and I could tell he was extremely nervous and awkward about it. In my case, he never followed through, so maybe it's not the greatest example. I've never understood his reasoning, but I don't think it was "he's just not that into you" because it was very obvious that he was. Maybe the neighbor thing freaked him out, maybe it was something else, who knows. The point is, it's definitely not your normal dating situation. I was willing to take the risk, but it definitely IS a risk. The last thing you want is drama in your home territory. Just be friendly and express your interest in getting to know him better. Try to establish a friendship with him first. If the interest is truly mutual, something will develop eventually.
birdie Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I flicked through that book in my local library and most of it was complete nonsense. it is written by a couple of people if I remember correctly and of course it reflects their own insecurities and views on what and how relationships should be. very narrow minded in my opinion
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I flicked through that book in my local library and most of it was complete nonsense. it is written by a couple of people if I remember correctly and of course it reflects their own insecurities and views on what and how relationships should be. very narrow minded in my opinion I heard an abridged audio version, and I do think it is a valid frame of mind to adopt during a breakup...the person just isn't into you enough to work through whatever problems may be there, so if they dump you, it's best you adopt the attitude "I don't want someone back who could drop me so easily." But before a date even occurs, that attitude is as rubbish as the rules.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Of course, it is possible he is just being friendly to his new neighbor, too. He might not have any interest. But to say "he hasn't asked me out yet he's been talking to me casually for 2-3 weeks, therefore he isn't interested" is a stretch. There isn't a timeline for the initial move in this situation. He could very well be testing the waters considering she is a neighbor. Perhaps he doesn't want to come on too strong fearing she'd think he was some sexual creep. You just don't know. The "he's just not into you" mantra does not apply to all situations. He's making an effort to get to know her and inviting her into his space. To me, that implies interest, though it could just be friendliness. I'm doing something similar with a girl at the moment, and I'm arranging for us to hang out this weekend. It's not a date. I'll make a move IF she gives me the appropriate vibe, but I've also had girls give me poor vibes in the past, even though they later confessed they really liked me. It's not a lack of confidence I haven't said "want to go out." There are logistics involved and I need to calibrate my efforts to those logistics. So my advice is: don't pin any hopes on this guy. Do what you've been doing, and be warm to him when you see him. In the meantime, explore other guys. If he doesn't eventually make a move, he might become a good friend, a babysitter, etc, and you may meet someone through him. But to say "he's just not into you" implies you should dismiss him. I'd do the opposite. I'd become more warm, because if you do that, I see nothing but positive outcomes. Oppath - Sorry but I disagree with you. However, I find you very interesting and I admire the logic and rationale. I don't think it's too hard to ask a girl out if you like her. Agreed, it's easier to ask out someone you don't know or like (because if rejected you don't care). It's when a guy puts so much emphasis in her answer that he gets crushed by the let down. It's because he has formed an emotional attachment to the girl. He's built it up too much in his mind. My logic (and you can respectfully disagree); ask out any girl that you think is attractive (mentally or physically) as soon as you are sure that you want to go to the coffee shop or movies with them. Don't wait until you are so attached that it's a big let down for you. A hint to all men: Men usually see women before the woman sees the man. Once she acknowledges you, then throw your Mack Daddy Vibe her way and if you get the big eyes and smile back, ask her out. Odds are others are looking at her to and you don't want to miss your chance. As Woody Allen said in a movie; there's nothing worse than a missed opportunity.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Oppath - Sorry but I disagree with you. However, I find you very interesting and I admire the logic and rationale. I don't think it's too hard to ask a girl out if you like her. Agreed, it's easier to ask out someone you don't know or like (because if rejected you don't care). It's when a guy puts so much emphasis in her answer that he gets crushed by the let down. It's because he has formed an emotional attachment to the girl. He's built it up too much in his mind. My logic (and you can respectfully disagree); ask out any girl that you think is attractive (mentally or physically) as soon as you are sure that you want to go to the coffee shop or movies with them. Don't wait until you are so attached that it's a big let down for you. A hint to all men: Men usually see women before the woman sees the man. Once she acknowledges you, then throw your Mack Daddy Vibe her way and if you get the big eyes and smile back, ask her out. Odds are others are looking at her to and you don't want to miss your chance. As Woody Allen said in a movie; there's nothing worse than a missed opportunity. This is situational. If I have regular contact with a girl, I'm going to try and build rapport by flirting before I make any moves. This allows me to gauge what kind of person she is. In this situation Oppath has the best approach. Now, if you just run into the at the grocery store, and you will never see her again, thats when you throw down whatever game you have to try to generate interest and set up another meeting. Woody Allen is, was, and ever will be, a complete D-bag!
jcster Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Woody Allen is, was, and ever will be, a complete D-bag! Word.......
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 This is situational. If I have regular contact with a girl, I'm going to try and build rapport by flirting before I make any moves. This allows me to gauge what kind of person she is. In this situation Oppath has the best approach. Does this make it easier or harder for you to ask her out? Or, is it that you want to find the right setting for your first date? Do you take every woman out to the same type of place on your first dates? Or do men vary based on the woman? Yes, men, if a girl is younger than 18 then she is a girl - if you're attracted to females over the age of 18 then call them women.
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 This is situational. If I have regular contact with a girl, I'm going to try and build rapport by flirting before I make any moves. This allows me to gauge what kind of person she is. In this situation Oppath has the best approach. Now, if you just run into the at the grocery store, and you will never see her again, thats when you throw down whatever game you have to try to generate interest and set up another meeting. Woody Allen is, was, and ever will be, a complete D-bag! Right, like if a girl is on my softbal team, I'm not going to say to her "want to go grab a drink" to just her after one of our first couple of games. I'm going to build rapport as a friend over the course of the season, involving her with others, and if I feel a strong attraction on her end, then I'll make a move at some point, but I'm not going to say, after talking to her for 5 minutes the first week, "want to go grab coffee sometime." Logistics. If you know you will see someone often, I too build rapport a little more slowly. That does not mean I am building an attachment. Inexperienced daters will build that attachment; with more experience, you calibrate your interactions to the logistics of the situation and build attraction but you keep yourself detached until actual moves are made. You don't wait indefinitely, you make a move. Basically, you let the girl show you where it is safe to go, and then you go a little bit further, then you let her show you where it is ok to go next. But the girl on a softball team is a great example: you can flirt with her right away, but it will be better for all parties if you build rapport with her as a friend -- with flirtation of course -- for a few weeks before getting your groove on with her.
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Does this make it easier or harder for you to ask her out? Or, is it that you want to find the right setting for your first date? Do you take every woman out to the same type of place on your first dates? Or do men vary based on the woman? Yes, men, if a girl is younger than 18 then she is a girl - if you're attracted to females over the age of 18 then call them women. It's called getting to know the logistics of a girls situation, i.e. single, long distance boyfriend, going through a divorce, etc. Where I ask a girl out to depends on the same logistics: how I interact with her and what I feel we have in common. If you are going to see a girl often, it's best to wait a few encounters and build rapport, to get to know a woman's story. I do it because I've had more success this way. Nothing is wrong with waiting 2-3 weeks to ask out a woman you know you will see often. I'm not going to ask a hot coworker to happy hour my first day on the job. I'm going to flirt and get to know her first. And girls call me dude all the time. I like it. They can call me brah too.
Kamille Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I am so with Oppath on this. The not into you rules only apply once you've dated - if someone is treating you all wishy washy. I've breezed through the book at the bookstore and I think most examples apply to couples who are already dating. Else, in your situation, the time to apply the not into you rule is if your infatuation becomes a problem. I think one of the fundamental rules of single life is the one that TBF refered to: up until you decide to be exclusive with someone, just don't put all your eggs in one basket. Up until the neighbor or someone else ask you, just enjoy the interactions, regardless of the outcome. As a single I hold the philosophy that flirting is fun and harmless. You get to know people in a lighthearted manner and I've never heard a man complain about lighthearted conversations with a woman.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I am so with Oppath on this. The not into you rules only apply once you've dated - if someone is treating you all wishy washy. I've breezed through the book at the bookstore and I think most examples apply to couples who are already dating. Else, in your situation, the time to apply the not into you rule is if your infatuation becomes a problem. I think one of the fundamental rules of single life is the one that TBF refered to: up until you decide to be exclusive with someone, just don't put all your eggs in one basket. Up until the neighbor or someone else ask you, just enjoy the interactions, regardless of the outcome. As a single I hold the philosophy that flirting is fun and harmless. You get to know people in a lighthearted manner and I've never heard a man complain about lighthearted conversations with a woman. Okay. How would you feel if a hot co-worker has three or four guys stopping by, calling and interacting with her. Do you back away or do you rise to become the one she wants?
Kamille Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Okay. How would you feel if a hot co-worker has three or four guys stopping by, calling and interacting with her. Do you back away or do you rise to become the one she wants? I wouldn't stop interacting. I usually keep my ego out of the line of fire until the first kiss. Until then, all fun and games and may the best man (or woman) win. I love people, I love getting to know people and I don't need for everyone to be in love with me. I enjoy making men smile and I love it when a man makes me smile. It's not a competition. It's just fun.
oppath Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Okay. How would you feel if a hot co-worker has three or four guys stopping by, calling and interacting with her. Do you back away or do you rise to become the one she wants? I don't care about the other guys. I get to know her at the pace I am comfortable with and I determine if she is the one that I want. I don't rise to become the guy a girl wants. She has to level up and demonstrate that she is who I want. There no reason we can't interact 4-5 times to determine this before I ask her out on a more official date in that specific situation. A friend of a friend I meet at a party, who I am likely to run into again but not for sure...then I make a move right away. Logistics.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Does this make it easier or harder for you to ask her out? Or, is it that you want to find the right setting for your first date? Do you take every woman out to the same type of place on your first dates? Or do men vary based on the woman? Yes, men, if a girl is younger than 18 then she is a girl - if you're attracted to females over the age of 18 then call them women. Umm... yeah well if they are mentally mature I call them women! Ive met girls that were 40 w/kids. Ladies, Dames, Chicks.... dont get hung up on the terminology, it may cause you to miss the point. If I had the chance I would get to know every woman before I asked her out. It doesnt make it easier or harder to ask them out. Asking 'women' out is rarely difficult. Fact is, I'd rather not take a girl on a date and then tell her... hey lets be friends. I'd rather have a good idea whether she is crazy, not my type, or whatever, ahead of time. Its a weeding process. And why would you take every woman to the same restaruant? Isnt it easier to ask her what she likes and go from there?
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