Just Made a Date

[Jack Africa]

Sure Oppath...you win.....

I'm not playing this anymore.

Look, I tried to end this bickering but you just want to continue it obviously, and I'm not going to be a part of it.

 

I know how I felt. I know what I meant. I know what I'm saying is true. You can argue it all night if you want to but you're going to have to argue it alone. I'm done with this childish bantering.

 

Geez Unique, get a grip.

"Im done with this childish banter. " is Chickspeak for -

" Oppath wins and I am pissed ."

[oppath]

I'm not bantering. Is it possible, even remotely possible, that you accepted this date not expecting it go well?

 

I understand you were disappointed in the date and you were bored. That's never pleasureable, but is it all everyone elses fault that a thread stating "I have a date" that wasn't a bad date by any means, just an uneventful one, somehow has warranted 100 posts?!? Most threads end at less than 10. This wasn't a bad date. If people are ganging up on you, it is because they are generally concerned and want you to have better dating experiences.

 

All I am saying (and I recently joined personals), is that if I accept a date with a woman, and think "why am I even doing this," then it probably won't be the best of dates. There is something called the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you didn't enjoy the evening, if you were truly bored, it's not all his fault. I ask: is there any possibility, that you play a small role in the date not being all that, either in your attitude or in your behavior? Is there a possibility?

 

I can tell you straight up, that my attitude before a date and how I behave on it will affect how my date behaves in subtle ways. If they say something I find odd or that bores me or even puts me off, it is possible that I'm behaving in a way that makes her uncomfortable. I take ownership of all my social interactions for this reason. If I own it, it will be pleasurable.

 

How you describe the Gwen Stefani thing is illuminating. I am not trying to argue for the sake of arguing. I would describe your thought process as having CONTEMPT for him. That is how it comes off to me. I know, you know what you were thinking so I can't possibly, I know. But is it possible that what I interpret as contempt, or just a bad outlook from the get go...your date picked up on too, and that made him uncomfortable? Is it possible that you have a role?

 

These questions aren't childish. I understand that you were disappointed and I certainly understand how difficult dating can be. I do know. Being single is fun. Dating sucks.

[uniqueone]

I'm not bantering. Is it possible, even remotely possible, that you accepted this date not expecting it go well?

 

In THIS particular case, I probably did not have high expectations for it. I think I talked about that earlier and my reason was that I usually click with someone through emails and phone calls first and with this guy, he barely wrote or talked much beforehand and what little we DID do, wasn't very fluid or fun. So no, I didn't have much hope for it....and I think realistically so.

 

I understand you were disappointed in the date and you were bored. That's never pleasureable, but is it all everyone elses fault that a thread stating "I have a date" that wasn't a bad date by any means, just an uneventful one, somehow has warranted 100 posts?!? Most threads end at less than 10. This wasn't a bad date. If people are ganging up on you, it is because they are generally concerned and want you to have better dating experiences.

 

Hmmmm.....I don't know about THAT....that's being a bit naive. Some posts have had to have been deleted by the admins due to the extremely insulting nature of them and more of them might have to be too. Not everyone on LS is "nice".

 

All I am saying (and I recently joined personals), is that if I accept a date with a woman, and think "why am I even doing this," then it probably won't be the best of dates. There is something called the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you didn't enjoy the evening, if you were truly bored, it's not all his fault. I ask: is there any possibility, that you play a small role in the date not being all that, either in your attitude or in your behavior? Is there a possibility?

 

No. But I won't convince you of that no matter what I say, so I'm not going to bother. *I* know what attitude I have...in fact, I've even spelled it out to you on here. But you're not listening to what i'm saying. I told you exactly how I view it.....as just meeting someone interesting....no further expectations.

 

I'm well aware of the SFP and I'm also very self-aware. In other words, I dont hide any motives for my behavior from myself. I'm even open about them to others. Look how incredibly open I've been on this forum. Look how many people on this forum share so LITTLE about themselves. I've found that there are many people here with problems (which I learn about through their PM's) but they NEVER EVER bring them up on LS.

Well I've been an open book. I've hidden nothing. It's probably foolish of me to do so and I probably shouldn't have.

 

But to think of me as someone who isn't self-aware? Who does things without realizing why? No.....sorry.....that my dear, is definately NOT ME.

 

How you describe the Gwen Stefani thing is illuminating. I am not trying to argue for the sake of arguing. I would describe your thought process as having CONTEMPT for him. That is how it comes off to me. I know, you know what you were thinking so I can't possibly, I know. But is it possible that what I interpret as contempt, or just a bad outlook from the get go...your date picked up on too, and that made him uncomfortable? Is it possible that you have a role?

 

How about you explain how I showed contempt first?

 

Btw, I can definately say that my date would/will not say that i showed contempt. Uh....do you think a guy would ask a woman out again (like he did to me) if she was showing contempt???

[oppath]

 

Btw, I can definately say that my date would/will not say that i showed contempt. Uh....do you think a guy would ask a woman out again (like he did to me) if she was showing contempt???

 

Don't underestimate how stubborn the less tender of the genders can be

[AriaIncognito]

I didn't really take it as insulting...because I knew he liked me. I took it as a bit oafish...... I mean the fact that he said "well you have a big nose."

 

Decent guys don't say that....not even jokingly.

 

And yes, I had a nosejob and yes, I'm feeling a bit shaky lately as far as wanting to date so his "big nose" comment didn't help.

 

I appreciate the way you wrote your comments on this btw. You were very polite about it which others have not been.

 

Yeah the "you have a big nose" wasn't a very good choice of words on his part, I give you that.

 

I find that for the most part, when we take comments poorly, it's because we see these "flaws" in ourselves and if they are brought to our attention, it hurts us doubly because we already beat ourselves up over it. I'd assume this could be the case with your nose, if you had a nose job for cosmetic reasons then I'd assume you were self conscious at some point about it.

 

For example, if I think I'm fat and someone asks me if I'm gaining weight (which would be totally rude to begin with lol) then I think it would hurt way more than if someone gave me a weird compliment about something I wasn't self conscious over, if that makes any sense.

 

It's hard to make sense at 3am, though I'm still on CA time (midnight) and my body is saying "WTF"!

[fray718]

Just wanted to add the best approach I've found is to take rejection in stride, even expect it. Desensitize yourself. That way your self worth won't feel so fragile and dependent on the whims of others.

 

I totally agree. Well, I'm actually going to try this approach with this new guy I"m working on. It's hard though I tell you. Inside, I'm scared.

[Ocean-Blue]

Unique, let me share a personal experience of mine with you.

 

When I was 15 (turning 16) I used this intranet service (for high school students). It wasn't a dating site. It was setup for students to discuss homework, intraschool sports, etc.

 

I met this guy through there. I've always been a sucker for smooth talkers - and boy was this guy smoooooooth. At that point in my life, I was surrounded by some real idiots. Most guys bored me. Half of them couldn't speak English properly (and if they could, they were too prissy). Few could write well. Anyway, this one guy caught my attention. I was intrigued by his charm (that came across in waves via the intranet). We began to talk on the phone and computer. I saw ONE pic of him. It was blurry and not too clear. He was "ok". My brother (who was a little kid at the time) made some rude comment about him looking ugly (or something to that effect). Anyway, I fell hard for him. He was intelligent, witty, and very charming (even at the tender age of 16). He had a way with his words that one...

 

So after two months of giggling and talking...we decided to meet. He came to my school. AND OMG! I remember thinking "holy mother of...". There is no way I'm dating this guy. He was too tall, too skinny and way too happy to be there with me. I mean he wasn't fawning all over me, but I just didn't like him. So that day, after he left, I decided that I would NOT date him. No way. Even though we called/considered each other "boyfriend-girlfriend" by then.

 

I called the poor sucker up the next day. Gave him some lame excuse about my parents (I wasn't allowed to date at the time) and told him that it wouldn't work. He said he understood. A huge wave of relief gentled lulled me into sleep that night. I had gotten rid of the guy. Thank God.

 

Fast forward to 10 years later.

 

I come across a name that is familiar on facebook (via a friend's friends list). As soon as I read the profile, I knew it had to be him. I messaged him. What I remember - the charm, the wit, the charisma - all there. Only now, he's one hot man - the kind of man that I've dreamt of being with (a friend mentioned, after I showed his pic to her, "this is exactly the kind of guy you always wanted to date"). Beautiful white, straight teeth, large masculine hands, stunning eyes. A killer smile and the sweetest voice. And smart as whip. Ambitious and caring. Speaks his mind and doesn't sugar coat.

 

I've never been so in love with anyone. He rocks my world. He's funny, sweet, and incredibly open minded. To this day, I regret not giving him more of a chance 10 years ago. I think about memories we've missed - the birthdays, the weddings, the family get togethers, the dates, the movies. EVERYTHING. It makes me sad that missed out on all of this because I didn't give him a chance. I judged him based on that ONE, initial meeting. And I lost years worth of memories because of it.

 

Sometimes, you really do need to give someone a chance. If you don't, you miss many opportunities to meet some great people.

 

I am not suggesting that you give this guy (with whom you went on a date recently) a second chance. What I am saying is that sometimes, we don't always put our best foot forward...sometimes there is more to a person that ONE meeting (or a profile or an email or a phone call).

 

I never in a million years thought I'd date my first boyfriend again. I now realize what a fool I was. He may have become hotter with age, but he remains that sweet, tender boy I met 10 years ago.

[Kamille]

Unique, please put your pistol down. I have nothing to gain or lose by winning an argument with you. You do realize that, don't you?

 

I do have one question though. How would you describe your attitude towards me, Replicant, Star Gazer and Oppath on this thread?

 

Edit: other questions and please, read my tone of voice as inquisitive but not argumentative or annoyed. I'm just thinking that perhaps if I had a clearer idea why you were dating, then I might understand your responses better.

 

Are you looking for love? If so why and what kind of love? If not, why not? If not, why are you dating?

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I was being compassionate but to be bit back like this for no reason......

 

I have no animosity towards you or anybody else. I just gave my honest opinion.

 

And I will NEVER tell you what "he" said to me about you either.

 

Then don't.

 

Ariadne

[uniqueone]

Yeah the "you have a big nose" wasn't a very good choice of words on his part, I give you that.

 

I find that for the most part, when we take comments poorly, it's because we see these "flaws" in ourselves and if they are brought to our attention, it hurts us doubly because we already beat ourselves up over it. I'd assume this could be the case with your nose, if you had a nose job for cosmetic reasons then I'd assume you were self conscious at some point about it.

 

For example, if I think I'm fat and someone asks me if I'm gaining weight (which would be totally rude to begin with lol) then I think it would hurt way more than if someone gave me a weird compliment about something I wasn't self conscious over, if that makes any sense.

 

It's hard to make sense at 3am, though I'm still on CA time (midnight) and my body is saying "WTF"!

 

I'm sensitive about any looks comments...not just my nose.

 

Even so, it just told me that he wasn't a very classy guy because classy guys don't make comments like that.

[uniqueone]

Unique, let me share a personal experience of mine with you.

 

When I was 15 (turning 16) I used this intranet service (for high school students). It wasn't a dating site. It was setup for students to discuss homework, intraschool sports, etc.

 

I met this guy through there. I've always been a sucker for smooth talkers - and boy was this guy smoooooooth. At that point in my life, I was surrounded by some real idiots. Most guys bored me. Half of them couldn't speak English properly (and if they could, they were too prissy). Few could write well. Anyway, this one guy caught my attention. I was intrigued by his charm (that came across in waves via the intranet). We began to talk on the phone and computer. I saw ONE pic of him. It was blurry and not too clear. He was "ok". My brother (who was a little kid at the time) made some rude comment about him looking ugly (or something to that effect). Anyway, I fell hard for him. He was intelligent, witty, and very charming (even at the tender age of 16). He had a way with his words that one...

 

So after two months of giggling and talking...we decided to meet. He came to my school. AND OMG! I remember thinking "holy mother of...". There is no way I'm dating this guy. He was too tall, too skinny and way too happy to be there with me. I mean he wasn't fawning all over me, but I just didn't like him. So that day, after he left, I decided that I would NOT date him. No way. Even though we called/considered each other "boyfriend-girlfriend" by then.

 

I called the poor sucker up the next day. Gave him some lame excuse about my parents (I wasn't allowed to date at the time) and told him that it wouldn't work. He said he understood. A huge wave of relief gentled lulled me into sleep that night. I had gotten rid of the guy. Thank God.

 

Fast forward to 10 years later.

 

I come across a name that is familiar on facebook (via a friend's friends list). As soon as I read the profile, I knew it had to be him. I messaged him. What I remember - the charm, the wit, the charisma - all there. Only now, he's one hot man - the kind of man that I've dreamt of being with (a friend mentioned, after I showed his pic to her, "this is exactly the kind of guy you always wanted to date"). Beautiful white, straight teeth, large masculine hands, stunning eyes. A killer smile and the sweetest voice. And smart as whip. Ambitious and caring. Speaks his mind and doesn't sugar coat.

 

I've never been so in love with anyone. He rocks my world. He's funny, sweet, and incredibly open minded. To this day, I regret not giving him more of a chance 10 years ago. I think about memories we've missed - the birthdays, the weddings, the family get togethers, the dates, the movies. EVERYTHING. It makes me sad that missed out on all of this because I didn't give him a chance. I judged him based on that ONE, initial meeting. And I lost years worth of memories because of it.

 

Sometimes, you really do need to give someone a chance. If you don't, you miss many opportunities to meet some great people.

 

I am not suggesting that you give this guy (with whom you went on a date recently) a second chance. What I am saying is that sometimes, we don't always put our best foot forward...sometimes there is more to a person that ONE meeting (or a profile or an email or a phone call).

 

I never in a million years thought I'd date my first boyfriend again. I now realize what a fool I was. He may have become hotter with age, but he remains that sweet, tender boy I met 10 years ago.

 

I see what you're saying OB....but you clicked with his personality. There's a difference there. If you're not clicking with their personality and then you meet them and you don't care for how they look, it's just not going to work.

 

The clicking with the personality thing but not so much with their looks happened with me and the guy I'm still not over so I know the difference between the two situations.

 

Why can't anyone here seem to accept that a person isn't attracted to everyone's personality and/or looks?

[uniqueone]

Unique, please put your pistol down. I have nothing to gain or lose by winning an argument with you. You do realize that, don't you?

 

I do have one question though. How would you describe your attitude towards me, Replicant, Star Gazer and Oppath on this thread?

 

Edit: other questions and please, read my tone of voice as inquisitive but not argumentative or annoyed. I'm just thinking that perhaps if I had a clearer idea why you were dating, then I might understand your responses better.

 

Are you looking for love? If so why and what kind of love? If not, why not? If not, why are you dating?

 

I responded to posters the way they responded to me. You notice how you used words like "hun" to me? That's why I responded the way I did to you. You have to see how you come across as well.

For those who responded in a pleasant manner to me, I responded in a pleasant manner back.

 

As far as why I'm dating.....looking for companionship.

[oppath]

I responded to posters the way they responded to me. You notice how you used words like "hun" to me? That's why I responded the way I did to you. You have to see how you come across as well.

For those who responded in a pleasant manner to me, I responded in a pleasant manner back.

 

As far as why I'm dating.....looking for companionship.

 

That bold statement is what some of us are suggesting to you, that there is a tone in your words and expectations that perhaps you project to your dates, or turns what should be neutral exeriences into "oh my god can you believe this."

 

I understand your disappointment; I understand your desire for compainionship. I'm not engaging in childish bickering. You are an articulate, attractive woman with many great qualities, but how you come across is that you roll your eyes at these men and think "oh my good, I can't believe this" when the experience sounds NEUTRAL to me.

[uniqueone]

That bold statement is what some of us are suggesting to you, that there is a tone in your words and expectations that perhaps you project to your dates, or turns what should be neutral exeriences into "oh my god can you believe this."

 

I understand your disappointment; I understand your desire for compainionship. I'm not engaging in childish bickering. You are an articulate, attractive woman with many great qualities, but how you come across is that you roll your eyes at these men and think "oh my good, I can't believe this" when the experience sounds NEUTRAL to me.

 

I'll stop posting about them then.

[uniqueone]

That bold statement is what some of us are suggesting to you, that there is a tone in your words and expectations that perhaps you project to your dates, or turns what should be neutral exeriences into "oh my god can you believe this."

 

I understand your disappointment; I understand your desire for compainionship. I'm not engaging in childish bickering. You are an articulate, attractive woman with many great qualities, but how you come across is that you roll your eyes at these men and think "oh my good, I can't believe this" when the experience sounds NEUTRAL to me.

 

I'll stop posting about them then. Sorry it wasn't an interesting enough story.

[oppath]

Don't stop posting. I'm not suggesting you need to do that. I'm not suggesting that this wasn't significant for you, I am merely suggesting that you examine WHY. You are sharing your story, and I appreciate that. I just feel that most people would have said "he's a good guy, it was fun, but we're not right for each other." That's all it comes down to in the end: you are not right for each other. You can do all the mudslinging you want -- about him not being classy or being boring -- but the bottom line will still be the same. So better to cut the negative feelings and simply walk away respecting the other person and the experience, rather than walk away frustrated and rolling your eyes.

[uniqueone]

Don't stop posting. I'm not suggesting you need to do that. I'm not suggesting that this wasn't significant for you, I am merely suggesting that you examine WHY. You are sharing your story, and I appreciate that. I just feel that most people would have said "he's a good guy, it was fun, but we're not right for each other." That's all it comes down to in the end: you are not right for each other. You can do all the mudslinging you want -- about him not being classy or being boring -- but the bottom line will still be the same. So better to cut the negative feelings and simply walk away respecting the other person and the experience, rather than walk away frustrated and rolling your eyes.

 

I posted it because I'd already started a thread on it. Should I have not given the results of the date after starting a thread saying that I had a date?

 

So I thought the comment "you have a big nose" was rude. So what? It WAS rude. I don't find classy guys saying things like that. What's wrong with me pointing that out on here?

 

There's no deeper meaning here that you're trying to ascertain.

 

 

That's why I'm not going to post this stuff anymore. I might respond to some threads on here but that's about it.

[Ariadne]

So,

 

So I thought the comment "you have a big nose" was rude. So what? It WAS rude. I don't find classy guys saying things like that. What's wrong with me pointing that out on here?

 

Look at how she's twisting the whole thing to say that the guy told her she had a big nose...

 

The guy merely paid her a compliment by saying she looked like Gwen Stefani.

 

I'd have said, well thank you, I think she is a beautiful woman, I'll take that as a compliment.

 

Instead "she" said, But she has a big nose! and the guy between the wall and a sword said, so you you, and then said, no, yours is smaller.

 

What a stupid thing... omg omgomgomgomgomg

 

Ariadne

[uniqueone]

Don't stop posting. I'm not suggesting you need to do that. I'm not suggesting that this wasn't significant for you, I am merely suggesting that you examine WHY. You are sharing your story, and I appreciate that. I just feel that most people would have said "he's a good guy, it was fun, but we're not right for each other." That's all it comes down to in the end: you are not right for each other. You can do all the mudslinging you want -- about him not being classy or being boring -- but the bottom line will still be the same. So better to cut the negative feelings and simply walk away respecting the other person and the experience, rather than walk away frustrated and rolling your eyes.

 

Btw, just to give you an idea that there are plenty that DO get my sense of humor, here's a recent message that was sent to me:

 

I have to say that was the most awesome and yes different profile I have seen. I really like it. Impressive. I agree with everything you had to say. Excellent sense of humor. I would like to earn the right to know more about you......

 

 

 

And I am pretty certain that if you saw my ad, you would think it was too negative, rolling of the eyes type of verbage.

[oppath]

I'm not talking about your ad. I know nothing about your ad. I'm talking about starting a post saying "ick...I can't believe I have a date. Why am I dating?"

 

I will say, that some of the ads I have seen that have been negative, if I thought the girl was hot, I'd write exactly what that guy said to you. In fact, I sent one yesterday. I thought her ad was negative, but she was a cutie, and we had some things in common, so I pretty much wrote "you're so funny."

[uniqueone]

I'm not talking about your ad. I know nothing about your ad. I'm talking about starting a post saying "ick...I can't believe I have a date. Why am I dating?"

 

I will say, that some of the ads I have seen that have been negative, if I thought the girl was hot, I'd write exactly what that guy said to you. In fact, I sent one yesterday. I thought her ad was negative, but she was a cutie, and we had some things in common, so I pretty much wrote "you're so funny."

 

 

You're right. It wasn't my ad at all. It was just my picture. That's why people that I know platonically (both men and women).....including a local editor who has never met me and has never seen my picture and who is not single or interested in dating...like my type of humor too.

 

Yes....it MUST be my looks that does it.......

[uniqueone]

I'm not talking about your ad. I know nothing about your ad. I'm talking about starting a post saying "ick...I can't believe I have a date. Why am I dating?"

 

I will say, that some of the ads I have seen that have been negative, if I thought the girl was hot, I'd write exactly what that guy said to you. In fact, I sent one yesterday. I thought her ad was negative, but she was a cutie, and we had some things in common, so I pretty much wrote "you're so funny."

 

 

As far as the "Ick"..what's the big deal about the "ick"? Do you hear many people say "Wow....I love to go on job interviews."

I don't.

And it was with a guy who I'd had a dull phone conversation with beforehand. One where I had to keep it moving along. So yeah....."ick".

[Star Gazer]

U - if you're so convinced that your ad, approach, and pickiness are working...why do you think you're having such difficulty with guy after guy after guy after guy?

 

Like they say, the only common denominator in all of this is YOU.

[uniqueone]

U - if you're so convinced that your ad, approach, and pickiness are working...why do you think you're having such difficulty with guy after guy after guy after guy?

 

Like they say, the only common denominator in all of this is YOU.

 

Who says I'm having difficulty???? They want to date me. Is that difficulty. I dont think so.

[Kamille]

I responded to posters the way they responded to me. You notice how you used words like "hun" to me? That's why I responded the way I did to you. You have to see how you come across as well.

For those who responded in a pleasant manner to me, I responded in a pleasant manner back.

 

As far as why I'm dating.....looking for companionship.

 

I'm sorry, but my friends and I call each other hun, honey and sweetheart all the time. So, I actually meant it because, and you're likely going to hate this, I actually find you endearing.

 

I know, how awful that a 30 something women's studies phD student from the middle of nowhere dares find you, Uniqueone, endearing. Who the hell does this Kamille think she is, anyway?

 

I guess in your circles hun is a condescending word. Please accept my sincere apology for what is nothing but a cultural misunderstanding.

 

Is there any chance in the future that you might want to read my post without wanting to shred me to pieces? Perhaps try and take into account a little bit of what I have to say? (Despite the bad grammar and choice of words because English is my second language.)