Just Made a Date

[Jack Africa]

That's funny....they always chase me MORE then.

 

No it is not "funny"at all. Men who have no other options will " chase you more" because you are their only opportunity for a date. They are trying to catch what is moving out of their reach,.They are trying to hook the only fish in their pond . THis is scarcity and desperation at work . If this makes you feel powerful and desireable then continue to play. However you are playing a game with the lonely and the desperate.

Men who have MORE options will not allow themselves to be drawn by "the hard to get" game . They have high self opinion and never allow a woman to set the frame by her playing " I am busy Friday but give me a call next week." The GOOD men won't call you,they call someone else instead.

 

Secondly, if this game is working so well for you how is it that you are posting here about your dating problems.

 

DO you have a date this coming friday and saturday nights ?

I do.

[lino]

Nope, I disagree. A guy doesn't want a woman who, when he asks her (on a Sunday) what she did last night, says: "Nuthin".

 

(and a woman doesn't want a guy like that either)

 

 

 

And btw, I wasn't saying that the woman should appear TOO busy to fit him in.

 

I disagree very much and agree with Jack Africa completely. Most people aren't busy EVERY saturday night. If someone is never/rarely doing anything on a weekend that's a different story. If a girl I was interested in told me she did nothing on a random saturday night I wouldn't give half a sh*t.

Like I said not long ago, I saw your picture you had in your PP and you're quite attractive. You're pretty funny, intelligent & seem like a very likable person in general from what I can tell from your posts but I think having these ideas like ABSOLUTELY having to be busy every passing moment of the weekend to be attractive are going to hold you back. Also things like never wanting to say hi to a guy 1st aren't gonna help you either. I'm dead sure that if you forgot about that mentality for a while you'd get numerous guys in no time.

I agree with what Jack Africa is saying in this thread and I think if you're interested in the said guy enough you should go on the date, I can't see what you have to lose.

[Krytie TV]

I believe that if you act busy and have to schedule dates sporadically, you will only attract those that are dating many others or players because they are the only ones that would accept that kind of thing. Just my thought though.

[lino]

I believe that if you act busy and have to schedule dates sporadically, you will only attract those that are dating many others or players because they are the only ones that would accept that kind of thing. Just my thought though.

 

Agree!

A girl that would just 'slot me in' her oh so busy schedule would be nothing more than FWB material

[Jack Africa]

Agree!

A girl that would just 'slot me in' her oh so busy schedule would be nothing more than FWB material

 

GOLD !

The "hard to get" routune" is old ladies... WE know that it is a game that you love BUT it backfires because we have no tolerance anymore for this sh*te and there are plenty of girls out there.

Ladies, if you want a big grown up LTR with big grownup man - a good guy , then you need to act like a big grown up girl by being OPEN and available to date, Inventing a " busy schedule" works against you.

 

Quit watching "Sex in the City " and stop getting your moves from Cosmo.

[uniqueone]

No it is not "funny"at all. Men who have no other options will " chase you more" because you are their only opportunity for a date. They are trying to catch what is moving out of their reach,.They are trying to hook the only fish in their pond . THis is scarcity and desperation at work . If this makes you feel powerful and desireable then continue to play. However you are playing a game with the lonely and the desperate.

 

So...that must explain why I date doctors, lawyers and hmmmm....let's see...tonight the president of a publishing company. Yep. These are guys who can't get a date. Did I mention most have usually been highly athletic too?

 

Men who have MORE options will not allow themselves to be drawn by "the hard to get" game . They have high self opinion and never allow a woman to set the frame by her playing " I am busy Friday but give me a call next week." The GOOD men won't call you,they call someone else instead.

 

Actually....I don't play the games you say. But I did argue the point with you because I DO believe that we place more value on those who are less available. However, you've chosen to mistaken what I've meant by it and you've chosen to ASSUME that I tell guys that I'm too busy for them when that's not the case.

 

My point was that I merely don't let them know that I might have spent the weekend doing nothing social at all. I don't lie. I don't tell them I was out at a party or anything. I just DO NOT tell them that I was staying at home all weekend. If they ask me what I did that weekend and I did nothing social, I don't say "I didn't do anything." Instead, I act evasive. And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

This is the part you misunderstood and I like how you quickly made assumptions about me.

 

Secondly, if this game is working so well for you how is it that you are posting here about your dating problems.

 

[pounding head on desk]

First--even if I WAS playing the game you mentioned---which I'm not---the two are MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

 

I'll give you an example. Keep in mind this is hypothetical since I don't play the game you're accusing me of:

 

Let's say that my dating problem is that I don't find men in my area that I have much in common with. How does the fact that I play 'said' game have ANYTHING at all to do with that?

 

Those two have NOTHING at all to do with each other. Therefore, you could indeed play that game and yet still have totally unrelated dating problems.

 

DO you have a date this coming friday and saturday nights ?

I do.

 

I'm a bit more choosy.

[uniqueone]

I disagree very much and agree with Jack Africa completely. Most people aren't busy EVERY saturday night. If someone is never/rarely doing anything on a weekend that's a different story. If a girl I was interested in told me she did nothing on a random saturday night I wouldn't give half a sh*t.

Like I said not long ago, I saw your picture you had in your PP and you're quite attractive. You're pretty funny, intelligent & seem like a very likable person in general from what I can tell from your posts but I think having these ideas like ABSOLUTELY having to be busy every passing moment of the weekend to be attractive are going to hold you back.

 

Looks like you jumped to conclusions as well.

 

Also things like never wanting to say hi to a guy 1st aren't gonna help you either. I'm dead sure that if you forgot about that mentality for a while you'd get numerous guys in no time.

 

I tend to like bolder, outgoing guys. Those types of guys will approach ME if they're interested. If a guy isn't approaching, then he probably isn't interested or doesn't have those qualities.

 

Also, I don't make it a point to say hi to people because I'm usually lost in my own thoughts when I'm out (on the trail for instance). I don't go out there for a meet and greet session. I'm not naturally social and I'm not naturally talkative...but I can be quite a bit if others draw it out of me.

 

I agree with what Jack Africa is saying in this thread and I think if you're interested in the said guy enough you should go on the date, I can't see what you have to lose.

 

The point I made about what I had to lose was of being rejected. That would be considered a "loss".

[Jack Africa]

 

 

I'm a bit more choosy.

 

That is chickspeak for "I have no dates this weekend "

[Krytie TV]

That is chickspeak for "I have no dates this weekend "

 

Seriously. What's she waiting around for... a good man? Yeah, OK, that'll happen.

[lino]

Looks like you jumped to conclusions as well.

 

What do you mean? 'He said Saturday wouldn't work so how about Friday. (UGH...why did I say Saturday? Or even Friday for that matter? I think I just made myself look like a loser who has no weekend plans)' You said this in your 1st post. I simply said that not being socially busy on a friday or saturday doesn't make one a loser without weekend plans.

 

 

 

I tend to like bolder, outgoing guys. Those types of guys will approach ME if they're interested. If a guy isn't approaching, then he probably isn't interested or doesn't have those qualities.

 

Fair enough but it doesn't mean that a guy who lets a woman approach him isn't bold or outgoing. You wouldn't be asking him out, you'd just be saying hi.

 

Also, I don't make it a point to say hi to people because I'm usually lost in my own thoughts when I'm out (on the trail for instance). I don't go out there for a meet and greet session.

 

Ok maybe I might be confused with some of your other threads but weren't you once asking why a guy on the trail wasn't saying hi to you 1st? If I remember correctly you posted quite a bit about it. If a guy who doesnt say hi 1st doesn't meet your standards then why were you bothered about it at all?

 

I'm not naturally social and I'm not naturally talkative...but I can be quite a bit if others draw it out of me.

 

Well I don't get that impression of you so I'm a bit surprised to hear that. Also if you're not naturally social but want guys to think you have lots of weekend social activities happening then won't they find out the truth if you eventually start seeing each other? Maybe saying hi 1st sometimes can help with that

 

 

 

The point I made about what I had to lose was of being rejected. That would be considered a "loss".

 

Maybe with the exception of some lucky few, everyone faces that loss. I'd expect that to be even more common if you're dealing with online dating.

[Replicant]

So...that must explain why I date doctors, lawyers and hmmmm....let's see...tonight the president of a publishing company. Yep. These are guys who can't get a date. Did I mention most have usually been highly athletic too?

 

So what are you trying to tell people, that you are a highly educated, successful woman in her 40's who feels entitled beyond the means of the typical dating game and socially getting to know people because of many years of scars. Instead each potential candidate must pass an online checklist a mile long and wait for it to be processed because you are in such high demand by others they are literally lining up inside your inbox. If they don't wait it will be their loss. So IF they do pass the first screening they must contend with your busy schedule and fitting into your life as how you see fit. Yet you are dateless, and have been posting such threads for a long time now. As if to mock such people, against yourself. I guess it's the rest of societies fault that you are just one misunderstood individual.

[uniqueone]

 

 

 

Ok maybe I might be confused with some of your other threads but weren't you once asking why a guy on the trail wasn't saying hi to you 1st? If I remember correctly you posted quite a bit about it. If a guy who doesnt say hi 1st doesn't meet your standards then why were you bothered about it at all?

 

I was bored. Sometimes I post things because I'm bored. I also like to write. It's not like I ever gave the trail guy any thought the aside from the moment he was standing there.

 

Well I don't get that impression of you so I'm a bit surprised to hear that.

 

Hey, I'm full of surprises!

Nope, not much of a chatterbox. In fact, chatterboxes usually annoy me. I can definately get into some good conversations though when I click with someone. But overall, I tend to be more of an observer.

Also if you're not naturally social but want guys to think you have lots of weekend social activities happening then won't they find out the truth if you eventually start seeing each other? Maybe saying hi 1st sometimes can help with that.

 

I think this whole thread has gotten out of hand. No one seems to be listening to what I'm saying. I never said I wanted a guy to think that.

I just don't tell them that I'm going to Walmart on a Saturday night for Pets's sake! Sheesh.

 

 

 

Maybe with the exception of some lucky few, everyone faces that loss. I'd expect that to be even more common if you're dealing with online dating.

I agree but my point was that it wasn't a good time for me to be handling such a loss.

[Star Gazer]

Uniqueone, I really think you need to let go of your "list" and meet these men. Seriously.

 

I read an article in O Magazine I think about how a woman had actually passed over the love of her life on a dating site. Basically, she met this man in real life under non-online dating circumstances (I believe they were members of the same running group or something), and they quickly fell in love. In person, she found him charming, funny, attractive, intelligent, etc.

 

Months later, he mentioned to her that he found it weird that she was interested in him as a member of the running group, but never responded to his initial email. She was shocked. She thought, "There's no way I wouldn't have responded to YOU!!!" He assured her that she had in fact read his message to her, but never responded. He then went to the computer and showed her his now-private profile to remind her. What she saw online was NOT what she saw in person. In his profile he appeared dorky, had grammar problems, she didn't like his job, seemed boring, etc. But he was anything but those things in person. She remembered his dorky email to her, and remembered quickly dismissing him. Had she not had a twist-of-fate situation to bring them together otherwise, she would have missed out on the love of her life.

 

What I'm saying is, in the same way that soooooo many people appear awesome online and fail the in-person test, many people are soooooo much better IN PERSON than on the computer.

 

My new BF is the same way. We met through a mutual friend, but I had seen his MySpace page before. His online persona is completely different from the loveable, charming, intelligent, kind man that he is in REAL LIFE.

 

Dating really is a numbers game, and you really can't know a damn thing about a person from a profile. Give them a shot.

[shadowplay]

Uniqueone, I really think you need to let go of your "list" and meet these men. Seriously.

 

I read an article in O Magazine I think about how a woman had actually passed over the love of her life on a dating site. Basically, she met this man in real life under non-online dating circumstances (I believe they were members of the same running group or something), and they quickly fell in love. In person, she found him charming, funny, attractive, intelligent, etc.

 

Months later, he mentioned to her that he found it weird that she was interested in him as a member of the running group, but never responded to his initial email. She was shocked. She thought, "There's no way I wouldn't have responded to YOU!!!" He assured her that she had in fact read his message to her, but never responded. He then went to the computer and showed her his now-private profile to remind her. What she saw online was NOT what she saw in person. In his profile he appeared dorky, had grammar problems, she didn't like his job, seemed boring, etc. But he was anything but those things in person. She remembered his dorky email to her, and remembered quickly dismissing him. Had she not had a twist-of-fate situation to bring them together otherwise, she would have missed out on the love of her life.

 

What I'm saying is, in the same way that soooooo many people appear awesome online and fail the in-person test, many people are soooooo much better IN PERSON than on the computer.

 

My new BF is the same way. We met through a mutual friend, but I had seen his MySpace page before. His online persona is completely different from the loveable, charming, intelligent, kind man that he is in REAL LIFE.

 

Dating really is a numbers game, and you really can't know a damn thing about a person from a profile. Give them a shot.

 

I agree. I probably would have never given my current BF a chance based on his myspace/fb profiles. In fact I wasn't that into him when we were in a class together. It wasn't until we were actually on a date that I saw his real potential.

[uniqueone]

So what are you trying to tell people, that you are a highly educated, successful woman in her 40's who feels entitled beyond the means of the typical dating game and socially getting to know people because of many years of scars. Instead each potential candidate must pass an online checklist a mile long and wait for it to be processed because you are in such high demand by others they are literally lining up inside your inbox. If they don't wait it will be their loss. So IF they do pass the first screening they must contend with your busy schedule and fitting into your life as how you see fit. Yet you are dateless, and have been posting such threads for a long time now. As if to mock such people, against yourself. I guess it's the rest of societies fault that you are just one misunderstood individual.

 

Just lost the whole friggin post I typed in response....oh well...maybe later I'll retype it....

[uniqueone]

Uniqueone, I really think you need to let go of your "list" and meet these men. Seriously.

 

I read an article in O Magazine I think about how a woman had actually passed over the love of her life on a dating site. Basically, she met this man in real life under non-online dating circumstances (I believe they were members of the same running group or something), and they quickly fell in love. In person, she found him charming, funny, attractive, intelligent, etc.

 

Months later, he mentioned to her that he found it weird that she was interested in him as a member of the running group, but never responded to his initial email. She was shocked. She thought, "There's no way I wouldn't have responded to YOU!!!" He assured her that she had in fact read his message to her, but never responded. He then went to the computer and showed her his now-private profile to remind her. What she saw online was NOT what she saw in person. In his profile he appeared dorky, had grammar problems, she didn't like his job, seemed boring, etc. But he was anything but those things in person. She remembered his dorky email to her, and remembered quickly dismissing him. Had she not had a twist-of-fate situation to bring them together otherwise, she would have missed out on the love of her life.

 

What I'm saying is, in the same way that soooooo many people appear awesome online and fail the in-person test, many people are soooooo much better IN PERSON than on the computer.

 

My new BF is the same way. We met through a mutual friend, but I had seen his MySpace page before. His online persona is completely different from the loveable, charming, intelligent, kind man that he is in REAL LIFE.

 

Dating really is a numbers game, and you really can't know a damn thing about a person from a profile. Give them a shot.

 

 

I agree SG and I HAVE met those that I didn't think I was that interested in...and it was just NOT there. That's why I've learned to trust my instinct. Don't you think if you did that time after time after time and each time your instinct proved to be right (despite you wanting your instinct to be wrong), you'd start listening to it?

 

Also....you live in SoCal and you're 15 years younger than me. I'm guessing that you have a LOT more decent guys to pick from than I do. You say to give these guys a chance. How many fat, bald men do YOU want to give a chance to??? Do YOU go out with fat, bald men?

[uniqueone]

Hey...it's not like I'm not meeting this guy tonight. And for women, it takes extra effort too! (hair, clothes, etc....) It's not like guys who can just walk out the door.

That's why the "just go out and meet them" isn't that easy.

 

Btw, I'm sure there ARE women who can just walk out the door as-is. I'm not one of them however. So it takes motivation to want to fix myself up to meet someone.

[Star Gazer]

I agree SG and I HAVE met those that I didn't think I was that interested in...and it was just NOT there. That's why I've learned to trust my instinct. Don't you think if you did that time after time after time and each time your instinct proved to be right (despite you wanting your instinct to be wrong), you'd start listening to it?

 

Look, I'm not saying if you look at a picture of someone and think, "Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!" that you should still meet him, but you reject WAY too many men for things that are just silly! Silly I tell you!

 

What I'm saying is "online instinct" is bullsh*t. Seriously. If my BF had initiated contact, my "instinct" would have been not to respond. But he is AMAZING. A-MAZING.

 

Also....you live in SoCal and you're 15 years younger than me. I'm guessing that you have a LOT more decent guys to pick from than I do. You say to give these guys a chance. How many fat, bald men do YOU want to give a chance to??? Do YOU go out with fat, bald men?

 

Well, I'm no longer in SoCal, I'm in NorCal. I left in part because there were NO quality men in Beverly Hills (at least not by MY definition of "quality"), and went back "home" to where being down-to-earth is much more appealing than my Mercedes-Benz and DD implants. NorCal is where all the good ones are.

 

And for what it's worth, the last guy I dated before my BF was slightly chubby and balding, and my BF now actually IS almost bald (however, by choice).

[uniqueone]

Well, I'm no longer in SoCal, I'm in NorCal. I left in part because there were NO quality men in Beverly Hills (at least not by MY definition of "quality"), and went back "home" to where being down-to-earth is much more appealing than my Mercedes-Benz and DD implants. NorCal is where all the good ones are.

 

And for what it's worth, the last guy I dated before my BF was slightly chubby and balding, and my BF now actually IS almost bald (however, by choice).

It wasn't the "So" I was referring to...it was the "Cal". Even if you're in NorCal now, you're still at an advantage. I'm certain that the worst in your area would probably exceed the best in my area.

And at your age, you most likely don't have to factor kids into the mix and things like that either....a lot less variables.

 

And hey, if "slightly chubby and balding" appeals to you, then that's what appeals "to you". It doesn't appeal "to ME". Everyone is different, just as some men like brunettes and some like blondes, some men like thin women and some like curvy.

[uniqueone]

Ok, I'll try this one again....who cares about work.....

 

 

So what are you trying to tell people, that you are a highly educated, successful woman in her 40's

more or less

 

who feels entitled beyond the means of the typical dating game and socially getting to know people because of many years of scars.

How do you see it as entitlement that I don't go around saying "hi" to people? That's a really strange way to look at it. That tells me that's how YOU perceive it and I'm afraid that's all about YOU. It tells me that you're the type that when someone doesn't say hi to you, you automatically assume that they're being a snob or acting superior. You assume a lot it seems.

 

Instead each potential candidate must pass an online checklist a mile long and wait for it to be processed because you are in such high demand by others they are literally lining up inside your inbox. If they don't wait it will be their loss.

 

I don't consider it pass/fail. I prefer what I prefer and it's taken years of fine tuning. It sounds like you're bitter because you don't feel that you have a lot of qualities that would be high on a list.

 

So IF they do pass the first screening they must contend with your busy schedule and fitting into your life as how you see fit.

I've explained what was meant by the "busy" part already. I won't explain it again.

 

Yet you are dateless,

I am? Why do i keep getting asked out then?

 

and have been posting such threads for a long time now.

What are "such" threads? You mean threads regarding "dating"? Dating has a LOT of aspects to it. Just because someone posts about an aspect of dating, it doesn't mean that it cross-pollinates that aspect into every dating topic that there is.

As if to mock such people, against yourself.

 

This isn't a complete sentence but I'll assume you meant it as part of your previous sentence and answer anyway. Who am I mocking? This sounds like an issue you have within yourself if you are feeling 'mocking' and I can't control your issues.

 

it's the rest of societies fault that you are just one misunderstood individual.

 

I've had some things published recently and no one misunderstood them, so I think I come across pretty clearly to intelligent listeners.

[Star Gazer]

It wasn't the "So" I was referring to...it was the "Cal". Even if you're in NorCal now, you're still at an advantage. I'm certain that the worst in your area would probably exceed the best in my area.

 

California's demographic is as varied as the entire country is wide. I live in a cow town, for crying out loud.

[Jack Africa]

Ok, I'll try this one again....who cares about work.....

 

 

 

more or less

 

 

How do you see it as entitlement that I don't go around saying "hi" to people? That's a really strange way to look at it. That tells me that's how YOU perceive it and I'm afraid that's all about YOU. It tells me that you're the type that when someone doesn't say hi to you, you automatically assume that they're being a snob or acting superior. You assume a lot it seems.

 

 

 

I don't consider it pass/fail. I prefer what I prefer and it's taken years of fine tuning. It sounds like you're bitter because you don't feel that you have a lot of qualities that would be high on a list.

 

 

I've explained what was meant by the "busy" part already. I won't explain it again.

 

 

I am? Why do i keep getting asked out then?

 

 

What are "such" threads? You mean threads regarding "dating"? Dating has a LOT of aspects to it. Just because someone posts about an aspect of dating, it doesn't mean that it cross-pollinates that aspect into every dating topic that there is.

 

 

This isn't a complete sentence but I'll assume you meant it as part of your previous sentence and answer anyway. Who am I mocking? This sounds like an issue you have within yourself if you are feeling 'mocking' and I can't control your issues.

 

 

 

I've had some things published recently and no one misunderstood them, so I think I come across pretty clearly to intelligent listeners.

 

 

You sound perfect to me -faultless. Your self-promotion says (mostly indirectly) " I am charrning, witty, successful ,intelligent ,attractive and a great catch " I cannot imagine why you have not been snapped up . Hmmmm ! Where are the buyers ?

[oppath]

California's demographic is as varied as the entire country is wide. I live in a cow town, for crying out loud.

 

Absolutely! It's a big state that is incredibly diverse in its demographic. SF is very different than LA, and let's not forget the central valley, or that 1/3 of the state NORTH of San Francisco that no-one realizes exists.

[Sean0775]

Who gives you women this kind of advice ? It is TERRIBLE advice.

Desirable men who have options will not chase after a woman who has a

" busy calendah " . Trying to date a busy woman is annoying and off- putting . It does NOT make you more desireable , it males you a PROBLEM.

You need to be AVAILABLE if you want to date a good man. .

I have to agree with this even as a man with next to no options. The hard to get game tends to make me done really quick, as you can't judge a person's personality by conversations had online or over the phone. Why waste a week or two of both our time chasing around when we can know for sure after 3 conversations and a dinner date. Seriously, meeting for dinner in a public place is not as big of a deal as it gets made out to be.

 

Nope, I disagree. A guy doesn't want a woman who, when he asks her (on a Sunday) what she did last night, says: "Nuthin".

 

(and a woman doesn't want a guy like that either)

I fail to see what is wrong with a woman who did nothing on a Saturday. If you ask me what I did for the past 10 Saturdays, I'll tell you I worked because I never get weekends off. This would be considered a detriment to most of my age group, as the early-mid 20s is flooded with people who put partying ahead of earning a respectable living, but I've been caring less and less about what those people think for a while now.

[latefragment]

you know I don't know why everyone is jumping all over uniqueone. she's allowed to be picky. she's jokingly making fun of the guys who are emailing her. she's had some lame suitors. WHATEVER! i don't think she's bitter, she is making fun of these guys. just my 2 cents.

 

by the way uniqueone there are trails near where i live too and i love going after work. but there are no cyclists (thank goodness) and it's mostly people with dogs, and i hardly ever see anyone on them. i love it. but i do have some activities/hobbies where i get to meet people, so i like the trails - they are my alone time.