Crestfallen_KH Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I totally lost it today. I contacted my husband (who I am separated from and lives with his affair partner) to let him know I was meeting with the attorney and his response was so casual. Even though I expected that, I just lost it. For the very first time, really, since he said he was sure he wanted the divorce, I just lost it. I started taking potshots at his girlfriend, said I felt sorry for her, blah, blah. And of course, he defended her and then I continued by pouring my heart out in an e-mail, saying how much he'd hurt me, who was he, did I ever know him, blah blah. I thought I was past all this crud. But, it's like I'm almost back at square one now that the separation is ending. And there's nothing he could say that would make me feel better. Well, I guess he could say he was sorry about cheating on me and that he has felt bad about what he's done, but that's not going to happen. I'm trying not to beat myself up about my lapse - I have been holding together very well, and I'm human after all. But now I've broken my stoicness that I had been so proud of, and turned into a simpering wimp who "needs closure from him." I hate this, but it's made me more convinced that my separation has, to some degree, kept me in a holding pattern in my healing. So I'm moving forward, despite the fact that I am just so miserable. I need to have this finalized and get him completely out of my life so I can heal for good. I'm just so, so sad right now....
sao2 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Actually this is progress. YAY FOR YOU!!! I know that a lot of people here might disagree but I think you have to hit rock bottom before you can move forward. Before you were trying or rather hoping that by keeping your cool he would come back. We have all been there. But there comes a point when enough is enough and they can no longer have your heart. Congratulations on letting yourself let go. Now you can move forward.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Thanks, Sao. I think you may be right. I think I am beating myself up because I've maintained a "never let 'em see you sweat" mentality which I have largely been proud of, but today I finally let him have it. I wasn't mean, didn't name call, but finally let him know "YES, you HURT ME and that was not right." But I still feeling like a simpering wimp. I guess I need to stop caring what they thought or whatever. I just need to see this as something that might have actually be healthy for me. I just hope that tomorrow is a better day.
Spinderella Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Crestfallen KH, You actually sound really together, not because of your stoicness, but because of your insight into yourself and awareness of your own healing process. I agree that this is progress, and that this is the last purge of emotion before you can truly heal.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Thanks also, Spin. That's two votes for "healthy thing" here, and three votes for "healthy thing" from my mom and two friends. I guess my mom was so thrilled I'd done it (and had just been waiting for me to let him have it) and another friend said "Heck, I would have done that like, EIGHT times by now. Good for you!" So I'm feeling better today. I do feel good that I did that now. I think it was my pride that was hurting and I was also focused on how it made me appear to them. Well, who CARES what they think?? Thanks again for the support.
carrotgirl Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Add my healthy thing to the tally. It sounds a little odd but letting it all hang loose like you did really is something to be proud of! Carrot
Curious139 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Sometimes we need to clear the mental decks - say it like it is. You've been hurt and treated with disrespect and I think it is healthy and proper that you vent. Not everyone needs to do this but you appear to have kept a brave outward persona and letting go is necessary for your true feelings to be expressed. Now that it has happened, don't repeat it. If you want to say more, there is a dedicated thread here for writing to your ex. Don't hesitate to post, we all cope in differing ways.
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