SusanChess Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I know I'm ugly (it's not just me, more than one girl has told me this and some men stare at me I'm so hideous) and I'm fat now too (5'8" 280) because there was no point in trying to stay skinny when I was ugly anyway. A few yrs ago some coworkers tricked me into thinking that my boss liked me, and I believed them because he was ugly too. So I started to like him "back." He wound up telling me that he could never have feelings for me after one of my coworkers told him that I liked him. Then he started yelling at me every day, some times several times a day. Those same coworkers then started saying I should sue him for abuse, but they didn't understand that he was only trying to do what was best and make me do my job better. Things started to slide downhill for me and I eventually tried to kill myself after I realized that they'd all be better off without me. When I got back to work, he fired me and told me just that so I know that wasn't just me either. After that I swore I would never get into a situation like that again since no one could ever like me like that. I got a new job (and 150 pounds, lol) 5 yrs ago, and I'm friends with one of the guys. We hang out some times and he's kind of flirty. I really like being around him, but how do I keep from getting on his nerves like my old boss? Is it okay that I keep asking him to go places? Or should I stop so I don't get false hopes again?
JosieMcCoy Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 OMG! THat was such a sad story! And then a happy one! I'm glad you dropped the weight!!! The world has enough moo-cows, you know? Anyway, just keep talking to him! Do email! Cheers!
Author SusanChess Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 No, I mean I gained 150 pounds so that I'm now 280 So the world has one more moo cow.
Kamille Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I really want to respond to your thread but I don't even know where to begin. First of all - how old were you when these girls told you you were ugly? And, hmmm, honey, men don't stare at ugly women. Do you stare at ugly men? I don't even know if they exist, so little time do I spend looking and or staring at them. Second of all, the way I see it, there is nothing inherently ugly about being overweight. But, you gained this weight because of your self-esteem suffered a blow. What you need is to get your self-esteem back somehow. Please consider going to see a therapist. As for the new coworker, why not just enjoy his company and see how things go?
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 The girl that told me that I was ugly the most was in middle school; a woman coworker also told me that a few years ago after I she saw me talking on the phone with the guy I'm talking about. My fear is that I'm getting on his nerves by talking to him and asking him to go places. How do I make sure that I'm not annoying him? He's been really kind to me and even took me to my first concert.
JosieMcCoy Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 come on Susan Chess! You can lose the weight! And you will feel great! I bet you are not that ugly! You should put a pic in your profile!!!! I haven't seen an ugly person on LS yet!!!
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Sorry, I'm not putting up a pic so people can laugh at it. I'll just go with the opinions of people I've met in real life as far as my personal appearance is concerned. I'd still like people's advice on the situation with the guy, though. I just want to make sure that I'm not getting on his nerves by asking him to go places with me. If he says he can't go but gives a good reason why, does that mean not to ask again? Sometimes he goes, and sometimes he doesn't.
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Sorry, I'm not putting up a pic so people can laugh at it. I'll just go with the opinions of people I've met in real life as far as my personal appearance is concerned. I'd still like people's advice on the situation with the guy, though. I just want to make sure that I'm not getting on his nerves by asking him to go places with me. If he says he can't go but gives a good reason why, does that mean not to ask again? Sometimes he goes, and sometimes he doesn't.
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Sorry, I'm not putting up a pic so people can laugh at it. I'll just go with the opinions of people I've met in real life as far as my personal appearance is concerned. I'd still like people's advice on the situation with the guy, though. I just want to make sure that I'm not getting on his nerves by asking him to go places with me. If he says he can't go but gives a good reason why, does that mean not to ask again? Sometimes he goes, and sometimes he doesn't.
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Sorry, I'm not putting up a pic so people can laugh at it. I'll just go with the opinions of people I've met in real life as far as my personal appearance is concerned. I'd still like people's advice on the situation with the guy, though. I just want to make sure that I'm not getting on his nerves by asking him to go places with me. If he says he can't go but gives a good reason why, does that mean not to ask again? Sometimes he goes, and sometimes he doesn't.
mpower95 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 The problem here is that you have low self-worth and guys will get turned off by this, because you look desperate in their eyes. There is nothing wrong with being overweight, besides the health risks, if you are happy and love yourself. It's a very cruel world out there, when people tell you to your face you are ugly, but hey thats life. We can't all be supermodels, but it's not like you don't have the power to do anything about your problem. A therapist is not such a bad idea at this point. Then consider changing your eating habits, and taking up some physical activity to cut some of that weight. Set realistic goals for yourself and keep on that path. The first step is always the hardest, but have faith in yourself. I wish you the best.
Kamille Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Two persons have told you you are ugly? Someone who was in middle school? More then 2 people made fun of my looks when I was in middle school. So that doesn't count - or at least you shouldn't put so much weight in those opinions. As to that other woman, it sounds like your work environment then was toxic honey. Again, I can't take that opinion seriously. How many people have told you you were pretty? I bet you more people have told you positive things about yourself, your smile, your eyes, then negative things. As to the guy... It's really hard for me to push someone who obviously suffers from big self-esteem issues on to the dating scene. You likely believe no one could possibly love you and therefore you have too much riding on any potential guy who is interested in you. The fact is, we all go through rejections at one point. I have - more then I care for - and so have some of my best looking friends. Attraction is more then just skin-deep. Does this guy you hang out with ever initiate activities?
curiousnycgirl Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Why would you not hang out with him? Or even continue to invite him to things? If it gets to be too much, he'll just decline the invitation. However I agree with the posters above - a therapist would do you a world of good. I too suffer from low self esteem. I would not say I am cured, but after several years with a therapist I have made huge strides. If you had told me before I started seeing the therapist that I would have gone on a vacation, met new men, and even started internet dating, I would have laughed at you. But I did all of that. Good luck to you and keep posting.
tomwiz Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 At one point, I weighed 300 lbs...in HS, it sucked then i decided one day to stop feeling bad about myself b/c I was fat and ugly...dropped well over 100 lbs by strict dieting and wrestling everyday....underneath all my blubber it turns out I really wasnt all that ugly and guess what...I felt a ton better about myself and girls could see that.
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Two persons have told you you are ugly? Someone who was in middle school? More then 2 people made fun of my looks when I was in middle school. So that doesn't count - or at least you shouldn't put so much weight in those opinions. . . . . Does this guy you hang out with ever initiate activities? I think it's been more than that that've told me that I'm ugly, but those are the two times I remember specifically. He asked me the first time, a few years ago. We went to dinner and a concert downtown. At the end of the night he said that the concert series we went to ran all summer and I told him that if I wanted to go again I'd call him. So I have when there's one I want to see, and he'll go as long as the weather's not terrible and it's a band he likes. Sometimes he seems to forget that I'm the one asking because we'll be teasing each other and he'll say something like "I'm not bringing you here again if you don't stop." He's not saying it mean or anything, just joking around. He also sometimes pays for me but gets mad if I try to pay for him, or if I try to insist on paying for myself. He's invited me to a party at his house but I didn't go, that was a couple of years ago too. He seemed upset the next time I saw him. So really, all we've done is go to a bunch of concerts. But it's a big deal to me.
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Why would you not hang out with him? Or even continue to invite him to things? If it gets to be too much, he'll just decline the invitation. However I agree with the posters above - a therapist would do you a world of good. I too suffer from low self esteem. I would not say I am cured, but after several years with a therapist I have made huge strides. If you had told me before I started seeing the therapist that I would have gone on a vacation, met new men, and even started internet dating, I would have laughed at you. But I did all of that. Good luck to you and keep posting. Thank you, I think the therapist idea is a good one. I saw one right after the suicide attempt but not long enough to deal with the other stuff.
Author SusanChess Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 At one point, I weighed 300 lbs...in HS, it sucked then i decided one day to stop feeling bad about myself b/c I was fat and ugly...dropped well over 100 lbs by strict dieting and wrestling everyday....underneath all my blubber it turns out I really wasnt all that ugly and guess what...I felt a ton better about myself and girls could see that. You might be right. It might be worth a shot, plus it would make it easier to get around. Right now I'm nervous moving through crowds/tight spaces and about fitting into amusment park rides (I love rollercoasters.)
BlueEyedSarah Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 You should not care what people think of you. Only 2 people have called you ugly? I got called ugly pretty much everyday. I dropped weight and still on a diet, I feel prett and feel in myself that I look good because I do good things for myself. Exercising really helps drop weight and eat healthy foods, less sugar. I suggest you see therapy about your self esteem issue and the thoughts of killing yourselg, thats scary you think that over one experiance at work. And about the guy, just keep it cool, don't worry if your bugging him. If he has not said anything then chances are your not bugging him. Just call him when you want to hang out.
Kamille Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I think it's been more than that that've told me that I'm ugly, but those are the two times I remember specifically. He asked me the first time, a few years ago. We went to dinner and a concert downtown. At the end of the night he said that the concert series we went to ran all summer and I told him that if I wanted to go again I'd call him. So I have when there's one I want to see, and he'll go as long as the weather's not terrible and it's a band he likes. Sometimes he seems to forget that I'm the one asking because we'll be teasing each other and he'll say something like "I'm not bringing you here again if you don't stop." He's not saying it mean or anything, just joking around. He also sometimes pays for me but gets mad if I try to pay for him, or if I try to insist on paying for myself. He's invited me to a party at his house but I didn't go, that was a couple of years ago too. He seemed upset the next time I saw him. So really, all we've done is go to a bunch of concerts. But it's a big deal to me. Hmmm, you didn't answer one of my questions. How many times have people made comments on how pretty some of your features are? I'm asking because I'm wondering why you would believe the words of a teenager and a coworker over the words of people who know you and care for you? I think you are focusing on your perception of yourself as ugly as a way to avoid confronting yourself to the big, bad, complex dating world. it sounds like you find it easier to say : I am ugly and therefore no one could possibly love me then actually work on your self-esteem issues. Perhaps you would find this thread, about body dysmorphic disorder interesting : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132374/ The link no longer works on my computer, but here is another one: http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Factsheets/SMHI/Body+dysmorphic+disorder.htm And I quote from the site: Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a body image problem. It is defined as an individual’s preoccupation with one or more perceived defects in his or her appearance. For the diagnosis to be BDD, the preoccupation must also cause significant distress. The older term for BDD is “dysmorphophobia” which is sometimes still used in the UK. The media sometimes refer to BDD as "Imagined Ugliness Syndrome". This isn't particularly helpful, as the perceived ugliness is very real to the individual concerned. (...) Certain stresses or life events such as teasing or abuse, especially during adolescence, may trigger the condition. As a last point, because of this perception of yourself, you might come off as standoffish to the guys who try to approach you. It is in the very formulation of your post. You worry about annoying him! I used to lack self-esteem and actually suffered from a mild variation of BDD. I thought I was ugly too, which is why I now have a really hard time believing you. I was convinced that no guy could possibly want to date me and would therefore keep men at bay- simply by being awkward around them or downright stand-offish. I would avoid talking to men, especially men I found attractive, and if one approached me, I would cut the conversation short and walk away. Do you do any of that? From your post, it sounds like you do: you telling him you would call him if you wanted to see more shows could have been interpreted as a brush off. Same goes with you not going to the party. He might have assumed that YOU were not interested.
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