Steffie575 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I've written a few posts on here that some of you might have read regarding my 6 year long distance relationship. I just have a few more things I need some advice on. I know everyone in this situation must feel some sort of confusion like I do....it's gotten a little bit better with the crying everyday and the obsessive thoughts I have about him but there is one thing I can't get off my mind. How could he break up with me and immediately have a new girlfriend?? What is so amazing about her that he is able to move on from me, the supposed love of his life, so ****ing quickly?? I must have been stupid to believe all the things we talked about....marriage, kids, traveling. In my heart I always truly felt as though no matter what happened between us we would survive because our love was just THAT special, you know? Last time he was here with me we made cupcakes together and he playfully told me to let him make me some special ones without me looking. When he was finished he let me see....he had written "Will you marry me Steph?" on a couple of them....it was the sweetest thing and I felt like we were meant to find each other and no one else could compare. Now he has someone else. What I do not get....how could he truly be happy with someone else other than me? Could he really go the rest of his existence with another woman and not love me anymore? Not marry me? Not have babies with me? I know no one reading this is inside me head and you cant really know how our relationship was and thats frustrating. Whenever I think of future things like marriage and kids etc I think about him and it hurts me to my core to picture the both of us living our lives separately. I know thinking of the future is unnecessary right now, im only 23. But i cant stop. Big question....how do i know if this new girl is just a rebound or not? I keep telling myself that once he gets over the infatuation with her he will feel what he used to feel. I dont think its possible for those feelings to go away so quickly. Doesnt she know he just got out of a long relationship? Why would she even WANT to have a guy so quickly out of that? And what is so GREAT about her that he would give up our future? Right now I feel like I dont believe in love anymore because how can someone just STOP? We have so many memories, I grew up with him. I dont want him to be a memory....two months later and I still cant see a way other than him. Does anyone, not really knowing me or him, think there might be a chance? Can someone change their feelings so entirely? I try to be positive. Everyone tells me to move on, he obviously isnt meant to be in my life. But I cant, because in my heart I feel he IS what is meant to be in my life. Maybe everyone thinks this when theyre brokenhearted. Maybe not. Maybe we will end up together. I just hate not KNOWING. I love him so much...if he knows that why wont he take the blinders off and see me again? Could he really, like he said, not be in love anymore? He said he loves me, hes just not IN love with me anymore. In a month? Im sticking to the NC thing finally....its only been a few days since I tried to text or call but Im doing it. My birthday is in two weeks.....if he doesnt call me or even text that day I dont know how i will be able to handle it. Im rambling.....thank you to anyone who reads this and understands this.
sedgwick Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I had something similar happen to me. I really thought we were great together, and then one morning he just dumped me. I don't know if he's with someone else or not, because I blocked his email addresses and his phone number. I'm done. I don't want to know if he's calling or not. I just don't. I'd rather he be trying to call and not know than know that he's not (if that makes sense.) I still miss him every second of every day, but this is helping me tremendously. I don't know what it is with guys that they can just turn off their emotions so quickly, but it sure seems to happen a lot. It's like they have a magic switch inside their brains or hearts or something. Do you know for a fact he wasn't seeing/talking to/interested in this other girl before you broke up?
Author Steffie575 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 I know what you mean about not wanting to know if he is calling rather than knowing if he isnt. You think you wanna know but when you find out you wish you hadn't. He swore up and down that he wasn't talking to her beforehand. But I'll never really know I guess. What he says can't be trusted anyways, obviously. I do think, however, that he used the major argument we had as an excuse as to why he doesn't wanna be with me anymore....because he found the other girl regardless. I often wonder if even if things were going well with us beforehand would he have met this girl and broke up with me anyways?? I dont know. All I know is I want him back and I feel in my heart that it's me he's supposed to love. Its pathetic, I know. Anyways, thank you for responding!
AriaIncognito Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Some people can't be alone and therefore go right from one to the next without waiting. My ex did this. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. All you should really worry about, is getting over this guy, because if he found it so easy to replace you, he obviously isn't worth your time or love.
tinke Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 it's a horrible feeling to be replaced so quickly. were you able to get any closure?
sao2 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I feel like I can completely relate. It's like "We were just supposed to be together" and then the rug is just thrown out from under you and it becomes "But we were supposed to be together". Eventually you will be "I guess we were not supposed to be together" and then one day "Why did I ever think we were supposed to be together?" Some days we take steps back and others we take steps forward. Such is life and we move on. We move on not because we want to but because we don't really have any other choice but to move on.
carrotgirl Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I got dumped with no warning too. From blissfully happy and having the you and me forever let's get our families to meet talk to "I don't love you" the next. There really isn't much more story than that I'm almost sorry to say. My ex isn't with anyone else and I'd like to tell you that makes it feel better but it really doesn't. Whatever you're doing to keep it together, keep doing it. And know you're not alone.... Carrot
Author Steffie575 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 it's a horrible feeling to be replaced so quickly. were you able to get any closure? No....and thats why I still am obsessed with it.
tinke Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 same here! it makes it so difficult to hold onto a tangible thought/reason. i guess if anything...what i repeat is that he is very selfish to have left the way he did, at times, this helps me. i am sorry for your pain, although i am still feeling the loss...with time, it does get easier. hang in there, keep posting....this site is a lifesaver. take care
Author Steffie575 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 same here! it makes it so difficult to hold onto a tangible thought/reason. i guess if anything...what i repeat is that he is very selfish to have left the way he did, at times, this helps me. i am sorry for your pain, although i am still feeling the loss...with time, it does get easier. hang in there, keep posting....this site is a lifesaver. take care Thank you, and good luck to you too. I love this site, it seriously is like therapy to me and it helps me to also see that im not alone.
ncpd25 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Hi Steffie and Everybody Else, I can certainly relate as well. My ex g/f did the same exact thing. Telling me she is in love with me, doesn't want to lose me, spending the rest of our lives together. Four days later, it's "I'm having mixed emotions, thought I was in love with you, not ready for a relationship". Blew me away. Then I found out today that she just finished up divorce proceedings at the end of August!!! She previously told me she had been divorced for 4 years!! I questioned some of things she told me before about her ex b/f (after her husband). I was disapointed that she lied to me. However, when I found out that she looked me right in the eyes and said she was divorced when she wasn't, that was flat out hurtful. She didn't even give it a second thought. I'm actually glad it happened. Now I won't even try to answer those unanswered questions anymore. I realize, she's a fruitloop and I don't need to be with someone that's continuously lying to me. She is a total mess!! I feel for you about the constant wondering. It can really drain the life out of you. As for me, I was never one to just walk away from a relationship. If I broke up with somebody (I think it happened twice), I was always honest and discussed circumstances. I've remained friends with a couple of exes. I would never tell a woman, I loved her or was in love with unless I knew 100% that, that's how I felt. I refuse to throw those words around, like they're a punchline to a joke. I'll keep an eye on the thread and I hope everybody is strong willed and will work through all of these heartaches.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Steffie, you're not alone. Unfortunately, I, too, am in the same situation. My husband left me for another woman he fell for in the matter of two weeks. I completely understand how you feel. You think: "Didn't our relationship deserve a mourning period? How could I be replaced so quickly? How could he move on like that - did he ever even love me??" But what I've come to realize is the defect was not in the relationship, but in them. Sure, there are things we could have done different and better in our relationships, but that doesn't justify their behavior. These guys are clearly clueless about their emotional needs and lack maturity. There's a good chance at some point you would have outgrown him anyway. Of course, knowing and believing this only helps so much. But, you are in lucky in a way in that you are experiencing grief and loss at young age and will be just that much better prepared for your next long-term relationship or even marriage. Keep allowing yourself to heal, and feel what you are feeling. You're not alone. Crestfallen
mourningMM Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I too feel for you, seeing a quick replacement is difficult. Wondering when a spouse started to drift and form another attachment is the kind of torture that a betrayed spouse or significant other can't avoid. Distract yourself from these thoughts. The more you let them persist, the deeper the rut becomes in your brain....think of it as breaking an addiction. Get a friend who can be completely honest without being brutal. Or wear a rubberband and snap it each time you find yourself thinking about it. If he started a relationship quickly, then it is likely he was thinking about leaving for much longer than you knew. The one who leaves, be it for good reason or selfish one, has a huge head-start on the process of separation. The one who is left gets a double whammy if they are still loving, in love, or feeling totally committed. Not only are they left (abandonment) they have very little control... At least that was my situation; and it has taken me years to get my "sea legs". I may be slower because my ex married his OW... But in all honesty we had an unbalanced relationship, and instead of spending the time to work and grow together he created a soft landing area by leveraging a "friendship" into an emotional relationship into a lover. Shallow people can do that; they justify their behavior and then they just do whatever makes themselves happy. You, if you realize that there were other options, have shown that you have more depth than that. And if you are hurt, then you have not only intellectual depth, but emotional depth. Why waste your energy of a shmuck who doesn't appreciate you? (I did that and still do that) Habit and upbringing were my stumbling blocks...that and I loved the jerk. But you know deep down I think my ex knew he wasn't good enough for me, and instead of trying to grow into our relationship, he bailed out of it. His own insecurity about what he could be and who he was made him leave the mother of his two children. I clearly remember him saying "I could never do what you do"....but what I never realized was he really meant "I can't imagine why you would do that, what is in it for you". When you start feeling like this, dig down in your own memories for times that he said stuff which showed that you and he were NOT on the same plane. Think about the times when you thought "what is his problem" or just plain "what the h*ll was that?" Those may have been moments when he was showing you why you didn't have a future together. Don't dwell on the dark patches, don't dwell on the roses. Look ahead to new places, people and experiences that you would never be able to have if he were in your life.
badnewsbeers Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Steffie, you're not alone. Unfortunately, I, too, am in the same situation. My husband left me for another woman he fell for in the matter of two weeks. I completely understand how you feel. You think: "Didn't our relationship deserve a mourning period? How could I be replaced so quickly? How could he move on like that - did he ever even love me??" But what I've come to realize is the defect was not in the relationship, but in them. Sure, there are things we could have done different and better in our relationships, but that doesn't justify their behavior. These guys are clearly clueless about their emotional needs and lack maturity. There's a good chance at some point you would have outgrown him anyway. Of course, knowing and believing this only helps so much. But, you are in lucky in a way in that you are experiencing grief and loss at young age and will be just that much better prepared for your next long-term relationship or even marriage. Keep allowing yourself to heal, and feel what you are feeling. You're not alone. Crestfallen I can relate to that, I'm a guy and have the same situation. My girlfriend managed to find someone else a month after we broke up... the unfortunate part is I still run into her from time to time, and she messages me occasionally, and every time she cries. I feel terrible and miss her so much, and I don't understand how she can be with this other guy but yet cry over me? The worst part is that I was a rebound, when we first started dating. We were together for a year, and when we met she had a boyfriend who she dumped. She is afraid of being alone, and always has been, but I still get the feeling that she'd rather having something comfortable than take a risk, and so I see this new relationship lasting, and that kills me.
Author Steffie575 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 She is afraid of being alone, and always has been, but I still get the feeling that she'd rather having something comfortable than take a risk, and so I see this new relationship lasting, and that kills me. Thats my worst fear....that my ex's new girl and him WILL last and he will never come back...
badnewsbeers Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Wouldn't let me edit this in. it's not guys that are able to switch off feelings like that, by the way, it's just a certain kind of person. I certainly can't do it, unless I'm driven to the brink of bitterness and despair by the relationship (which is likely the same for everyone). So have some faith, there are good caring guys out there.
badnewsbeers Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 She is afraid of being alone, and always has been, but I still get the feeling that she'd rather having something comfortable than take a risk, and so I see this new relationship lasting, and that kills me. Thats my worst fear....that my ex's new girl and him WILL last and he will never come back... It's the worst feeling, believe me I know exactly how you feel. I think it's just part of the process... eventually we'll be at a point where we won't want them to come back? Part of it is maybe idealizing what we had - it was likely never as good as we make it out to be in our minds, and the more time that goes by the better it seems to become, until it gets to the point where even if they did come back they could never live up to it. I dunno, just food for thought. Love can be such a bastard sometimes.
Author Steffie575 Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Thats my worst fear....that my ex's new girl and him WILL last and he will never come back... It's the worst feeling, believe me I know exactly how you feel. I think it's just part of the process... eventually we'll be at a point where we won't want them to come back? Part of it is maybe idealizing what we had - it was likely never as good as we make it out to be in our minds, and the more time that goes by the better it seems to become, until it gets to the point where even if they did come back they could never live up to it. I dunno, just food for thought. Love can be such a bastard sometimes. Yeah...the fact that I have no closure i think i am idealizing him....thats why Im having zero contact now. To distract myself from thinking about him. My bday is in 13 days though, I wonder if he will call me? We were together for so long that this whole thing seems so inconceivable. Anyway, good luck!
hopeforlove243 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I can feel you pain. My 2 years ex-bf asked for space in July out of blue, the next thing I know he was sleeping with someone else, we were not even broke up, and he insists that they are just friends (even now). I can't believe he did this to me, I thought he is the love of my life, we shared so many interests, he was talking about buying a property and building our own house in Hawaii... I deleted his phone # and email address, I wish I could erase them from my memory, but that is one step toward getting over him. Hang in there, things will be better eventually I hope.
Recommended Posts