Will she realize down the road when it is too late?

[jt1981]

So, here goes. This is going to be lengthy, but I hope someone will take the time to read. I just joined this site thinking someone might be able to give me solid advice. Heres the situation. I met this girl back in February 2006 (in college) and we became close friends within a few months. Actually, we started talking when I said "hi" to her in passing the day after Valentine's. She oddly opened up to me about getting into a fight with her boyfriend. Then, a mutual friend and coo-worker suggested we start riding bikes together and it became our thing (my ex, myself and co-worker). In fact, we actually incorporated our bike riding into promotional stuff she did for her job outside of college. Well, when we rode bike she never mentioned her boyfriend of 3 years. Well, the situation quickly progressed and the next thing I know her and I our spending alot of time together. Then, I take the plunge and tell her I recognize a mutual attraction and she says she does too! I tell her nothing can happen, while she is dating her current boyfriend, but then end up sleeping with her later that night. I was only the second person she had ever been with.

 

I get advice from friends and they tell me not to call her and let her contact me. I do this and she ends up coming to my house 3 days later. Now, I had made my mind up I would let her go if she didn't come to me within a period of a week, but she did. She said her ex and her broke up, but it was never really clear who broke up with whom. I think he might have dumped her. Anyways, we continue to see each other. Things are really good between the two of us!! Then, about 1 1/2 months in, her ex shows up at her apartment. I go downstairs and he is talking with her about things. I ignore him (visibly irritated he is at her apartment and she is talking to him while I am there), but when she comes back upstairs she tells me she doesn't know if the feeling is there between us anymore. I give her the key back to her apartment and tell her we will see her later. She tells me to wait and that she is just having doubts. She doesn't want me to just give up on us. Then, the ex disappears from the picture except he constantly calls while we are seeing each other. I ignore the phone calls and don't say anything about it. Things are good...no fighting, lots of sex, lots of conversation, etc.

 

We then enter a new stage in our relationship. We started to get situated in, I actually live with her for 2 weeks while my living situation is in flux. She is infatuous and talks about the future alot. I am a little taken aback, but I really like this girl and so I don't overly concern myself with the fact she is a quick mover. She is the "salt of the earth" type. The type you want to take home to meet family. She meets one of my best female friends and they quickly hit it off. This girl shares that I had a rough childhood so be patient and I will eventually commit. We are 4 months into our relationship and we have our first fight. The hard part is/was that it was on her B-Day and she said she didn't hold it against me because she always has crummy birthdays. Heck, I had an exact replica cake of her made in her dress she wore as Queen. She cried, very meaningful. I made the mistake having her party held with a friends party and she didn't know anyone there (big mistake on my part). Live and learn!! Oh well. She told later that it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her and that she appreciated it, but the party didn't make her very happy. I thought this was a little selfish, but held this opinion to myself.

 

Time goes on, no more fights, we communicate well and we resolve conflicts together. Then, about November, she starts talking with her ex alot more and she is torn between the two of us. I know this because she confides in our mutual friend that she is struggling. I book tickets to leave the country with friends for about three weeks around the new year. Initially, I talked to her about it, but decide not to go. Then, I have a change of heart and book the tickets and tell her. She is very mad at me. I apologize and tell her I made a mistake and I even tell her I will cancel the trip. I will only lose $100. She tells me not to cancel the trip and to enjoy myself, but she is angry. Also, angry that she can't shower over at my place alot because of an agreement between my roommate and I prior to her and I going steady.

 

The month of December we don't fight, but she is obviously very upset about things. She won't talk to me about almost anything. She closes down communication. Not really fighting but distant. I leave New Year's Eve for the airport and I don't get back for 3 weeks. I tell her that she needs to take care of any unfinished business she has while I am gone. I get back and she wants to work things out. We are great for another month and then the fighting starts between. Petty arguments, etc. Valentines Day I couldn't do anything right! I didn't call until 2 because we got in a fight the day before and I wanted to cool down. She was upset about this and wouldn't let it go. She breaks up with me at the end of March and asks me back out a week later. We date another month, but everything is on her turns, she doesn't return phone calls, she says I need to trust her, etc. I did have trust issues because I had been cheated on in the past. In this case, she, as I had understood it, had all but broken up with her boyfriend when we started dating. It just seems everything I did wrong...was always magnified. Note this...I DID TREAT HER VERY WELL!! LIKE A QUEEN!! NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT!! NEVER CALLED HER A DERAGOTORY NAME ONE TIME!! I loved this woman more than I realized. I broke up with her 2 weeks into dating again and she then returned to favor for good the first week of May.

 

I have always been so strong, but this has really set me back. I didn't think it would. She emailed me two weeks after breaking up in May telling me about the memories. I emailed her back that the memories were special. I talk to her on the phone in June and ask her if she wants to work things out, but she only wants to be friends. I asked her because she said lets see where we are in a month from now. Well, shortly after, I find out she is back with her ex she had been with previous to me. The hard part is that there were pics of her and another guy posted from when we were dating that made me extremely jealous and I let her know it.

 

She was pissed at me and then broke up with me (in May). Since June, I met her in late June to get back my stuff and give her the remaining stuff of hers. She called me in late July telling me that she thinks she made a mistake. We talk for hours, I am sooo hurt on the phone and tell her to live with her decision and make it work with the ex. She says it took alot for him to take her back and I agree. I said I have been there. About a week later, I tell our mutual friend and she gives my ex a call to get a feel for the situation. I decide I might want to work things out with her. Well, my friend tells me to move on because my ex was only having doubts but she is committed to making it work with the new guy who is actually the old guy (my ex's ex). Confused yet?

 

Anyways, shortly thereafter, I post pics on the internet with me and this new gal. Gorgeous gal who likes me, but I still love the ex. My ex gets extremely jealous and sends me an email telling me now she knows exactly how I feel about her now. She responds by posting pics of her and her new boyfriend (who is actually her ex) Time passes, and September rolls around and we meet in person. I put myself out there again and ask her to reconsider us. She turns me down, but cries in the process. She continues to call asking me to be her friend, but I want her to listen to me and she won't. She would never talk about the problems. It left me feeling why in the world she just gave up on us. So, I can't be her friend so I email her telling her this the other day. I did it in a nice way and told her to not contact me anymore. No word since, but it has only been a few days. Lots of details being left out, but will fill in the blanks for anyone willing to listen. I know this email is ridiculous in length.

 

I should clarify we started as friend in February 2006 and this email takes us to the present.

[lexi29]

It sounds like she was not over her ex when she started dating you. I'm sure she had feelings for you as well but you can't get over someone you've been with for 3 years in a few short weeks. It sounds like she is sort of needy and doesn't like to be alone because she jumped into a relationship with you so soon. My guess is she was mad at/fighting with her bf and you were there treating her well and she ended up hooking up with you while she was still with her bf because she was drawn to you since you were making her feel good about herself.

 

Obviously her ex left her because she slept with you so she tried to make it work with you. It also sounds like you did a lot of nice things for her and she was always comparing you to her ex (when she got mad about the party) It was disrepectful of her to keep talking to her ex and having him come over while she was dating you but that should have been a clue that she wasn't over him yet. So when he agreed to take her back she left you and started dating him again. She sounds very confused. I think she is jealous and she wants you to keep wanting her and missing her (why she is acting jealous and upset that you posted pics with a new girl and saying gee you never really cared about me anyway she wants your attention- I mean isn't that hypocritical of her to be saying that you got over her too quickly when she's the one who already ran back to her ex! She's trying to make YOU feel guilty for being with someone else when she is the one already in a relationship- does that make any sense?)

 

I think she is truly not sure what she wants- you were the greener grass when she was dating her ex (the first time) and then she dated you and things were good but they weren't always great so she started thinking about her ex and tried to make it work with him. She probably wants to keep her options open. so if thinks don't work out with her ex (current bf) she wants to have you available in case she wants to jump ship again.

 

I think that you should probably just ignore her, dont' try to be friends, dont' tell her you miss her and want her back and feed her ego. Just let her go. If she doesn't have you around, doesn't know what you are up to, maybe she will realize what she lost and come back to you.

[Ali4134]

Use the rule of one year. People are always saying that if it was meant to be it will be, but you have to give it a decent amount of time to get over and evaluate your feelings with a clear head. So try and move on and give it a year. If at that point you both want to try again then great. But not before that. All that does is a back and forth thing with you and this guy. She break-up and get back trying to figure out what she wants. Just give it a year.

[jt1981]

I agree, she was definitely confused when we broke up. I really lost myself after the breakup primarily because there was so much left up in the air. I don't think he knew we slept together until they got back together. However, I think he broke up with her. Piecing things together, I remember her saying that when he came over to her apartment a 1 1/2 months in, that she now owes me a chance? Didn't think much of it at the time. I think your right; I think she connected with me way more than she probably realized she would. I asked her if I was a rebound back at end of March when we initially broke up, she cried and said that she left the man she was with for over 3 years and that she was going to marry for me. That, I was way more than a rebound.

 

Also, I get emotional when we talk because I was always the type to work problems out with her and she shut me down and wouldn't discuss problems. This has left me, until recently, wanting to know the reasons why? I just feel every time I get an opening I hurt myself because I tell her I do miss her and I am honest with her. I have never played this woman one time. I don't want to play games, but the games seem to work. I guess I thought what we had was "true love."

 

Furthermore, the breakup was somewhat confusing in that she seemed to use my one weakness to justify it. She told me it was because I didn't trust her. She seemed to want to keep my friends after we broke up and she does care an awful lot about what people think about her. She twisted things to justify the breakup? Manipulative? Also, I should mention when I got back from my trip overseas she whipped out wedding books and for the first time I looked at them with her. She about died calling my friend when I left telling her how happy she was about it, but then things quickly changed. It was like, I give her some sign of commitment and she takes off. Sound plausible? Was she scared? The other guy would never give her the commitment she wanted.

[sao2]

Your post is long and I read it. But to answer the title, if she realizes once it is too late, well then you won't care anymore now will you.

[Lee725]

It is all rather confusing, (not the post - got thru that fine), i mean for you. You are part of a love "Trianlge", it is never going to work. Step back babe, restock and work out what you need, Not what you want... What we NEED and what we WANT are to different things. Do you WANT to be with a girl who is so confused about who she wants? Do you WANT a girl who is not 100% committed to you? If she was she would have never contemplated going back to the EX at all. Girls who are confused like she is only regret things and realize later down the road if the path that they have chosen does not work out... Only you know what you really need but most guys need a girl who is as committed as they are, they need someone who knows what they want. This girl might have a wonderful heart she might be beautiful she might be the queen of the world in your eyes and that is lovely, but no matter how great she is if she is not settled about her decisions which she clearly isnt and has not been for a long time, she can and will only ever cause you more heartache. If you choose to be on the other side if she breaks up with her EX/current boyfriend again and comes running to you because she "regrets everything and needs to be with you", would you ever really be relaxed that she will NEVER go back to him again? Will you be able to trust her 100%? As i said before restock / regroup work out what you NEED and DESERVE in your life, not nessecarily what you want.

[upsetnhurt]

Lee makes some very valid points. Not to say she is mean spirited in anyway, she is simply confused and is looking out for herself first. Your feelings simply do not play into the mix here. Take it from me please as I was in your shoes not too long ago. I accepted my ex back six months after she left me to make another attempt with her ex (of 4 yrs) before me. Two months of bliss and I was in love all over again only to have her run back for a third time. It will never work and at this point I doubt my heart can take being broken for a third time. Save yourself and no matter how much it hurts, know you need to move on and find someone who is as committed as you.

[jt1981]

This girl has really pushed for us to be friends. I do agree with the assessment this girl is insecure and somewhat needy, although she is able to put on a great show!! I just really wished I would have been more cautious before I fell in love with her. Also, I wonder if I became too much of a wuss bag! I mean, I always treated her well, but I never let her walk over me. However, in the end, I tried calming the situation by giving in on certain things. Why would this girl push, push, push for commitment and then I show her I am interested in moving forward and she pulls away? I know, never got over the ex. Right? Was she testing me? Also, her ex finally started dating again and I wonder how that impacted her decision? I told her I didn't believe in her and her ex like she did. I told her if it wasn't good the first time what makes it so great the second time. She said, "that's fine, but asked what would make us different?" I told her that was easy to answer-I told her 95% of our issues were caused because she wasn't over the ex. She denied this and said she really felt she gave us a fair chance. Any thoughts?

 

I should also thank Lee for his comments as I believe they contain alot of wisdom. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. Also, she contacted me twice last week and finally said to me this last time maybe we can't be friends. I thought about it over the weekend and then emailed and asked her not to contact me anymore? I told maybe friends in the future, but not now and probably not anytime soon!! Do you think she will stop contacting me? Was this too much if I ever want her to consider reconciliaton. I was so certain of myself and my needs and now I feel a bit lost by everything that has happened since I met her and now we have broken up.

[GuerreroAzteca]

dude, move on. trust me.

 

You sound like an ok guy, you need someone that takes your feelings into consideration.