complicatedlife Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 As an update to my story: We went to the wedding - we had a very nice time. Saying goodbye at the end was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and we both bawled like babies because we don't know when, or even if we will see one another ever again. He decided to go back and try to reconcile (citing it's because he and his children just cannot cope. Hmm - maybe he's telling the truth, but who really knows?). I decided it is in the best interest of all involved to not see one another at all, and he did want this, but he agreed to it. He wants to be friends. I do, too, but I realized that we can't ever be JUST friends. He says he still needs me - I told him I will accept an email from time to time. HOWEVER .... Because BS will not allow him back into the house, he is in an "in-between" stage and I believe he just wants to keep in contact so that I can be a "just in case". This makes me angry - I am noone's "just in case"! He argues that he moved out and then chose to be with me, so that is not it; he thinks it may be in his children's best interest for he and his W to try and sort things out and if they can't, then we can try and be together. What? So my life is to be on hold until she decides is she wants him back? (which I don't think she does, but that's a whole different thing) I think not! Why couldn't he, in spite of me, stay gone for at least 3 months, take some time and THINK, then make up his mind what he really wants from a woman? How do you say you make a strong, firm, and correct decision to leave home, you leave, but then in less than 2 months, it's a mistake? I thought you wanted to leave for the past 5 years?! And now I have to suffer? Is it me, or is it indecisiveness? UURGGH.
norajane Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 No, you don't have to suffer - you can put him firmly in your past. He's not being indecisive...he just doesn't want to end up alone. And he figures his odds of ending up with someone are better if he works it this way. Don't know how much the kids factor in. It's always hard to say whether they really make a difference to him or not. With some men they do, and with others it's just a story to make him seem more noble. You would know better than we which is his case.
Lyssa Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Oh hell no! You are not going to put up with this. I hope you will tell him exactly what you have written here. Tell him you're no one's "back up plan" or "just in case" woman.
Trimmer Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 We went to the wedding - we had a very nice time. Saying goodbye at the end was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and we both bawled like babies because we don't know when, or even if we will see one another ever again. I apologize in advance, and I admit it's unseemly to ask and none of my damn business, and I promise not to rub your nose in it either way, but curiosity is killing me, and I can't help asking.... did anything "happen" at the wedding, or were you able to maintain your intended platonic demeanor throughout? There... I'm not proud of it, but I said it. He decided to go back and try to reconcile (citing it's because he and his children just cannot cope. Hmm - maybe he's telling the truth, but who really knows?). I decided it is in the best interest of all involved to not see one another at all, and he did want this, but he agreed to it. From the context, here, I assume you mean "he didn't want this, but he agreed to it"? I just think that if someone is truly intending to make a good-faith effort at reconciliation, that means completely cutting any connection with an outside romantic interest. You seem to get this more clearly than he does... He says he still needs me Then he will not be fully present in his reconciliation attempt, will he? Because BS will not allow him back into the house, he is in an "in-between" stage and I believe he just wants to keep in contact so that I can be a "just in case". This makes me angry - I am noone's "just in case"! He argues that he moved out and then chose to be with me, so that is not it; he thinks it may be in his children's best interest for he and his W to try and sort things out and if they can't, then we can try and be together. Fine, then if it is for the kids, then he should have no problem cutting all contact, and go make a full on, good faith effort. Again, you seem to get that, but he doesn't. How do you say you make a strong, firm, and correct decision to leave home, you leave, but then in less than 2 months, it's a mistake? I thought you wanted to leave for the past 5 years?! And now I have to suffer? Is it me, or is it indecisiveness? Indeed. Makes you wonder: if he does end up making any kind of a strong, firm commitment to a relationship with you, how long will it be before he questions that? I don't mean to just throw rocks at him here, but it seems like you see his situation more clearly even than he does. He's not making a full, good-faith commitment to any course of action, and as a result of his half-assed efforts in every direction, he's going to end up with rotten results everywhere. Is this a pattern in his life? Maybe something you should consider, even if he does end up being "available" at some point in the future.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Don't sit around waiting for him. Do not put your life on hold. He has no claim on you, so do whatever you want. If he leaves his wife and wants you, then deal with that decision when it comes to you. In the meantime, you will be out and about and maybe find a filler fella or a less complicated relationship.
child_of_isis Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 It sounds as if he did make a decision. He decided that he wanted his family back. He tried it for 2 months with you, then found that he preferred to be with his family. This is pretty common with MM's. They think the grass is greener until wifey gives them full grazing privilidges by booting them out the door. Then they fight like hell to get back to the barn. Very common. He decided to go back and try to reconcile (citing it's because he and his children just cannot cope. Hmm - maybe he's telling the truth, but who really knows?). I decided it is in the best interest of all involved to not see one another at all, and he did want this, but he agreed to it. He wants to be friends. I do, too, but I realized that we can't ever be JUST friends. He says he still needs me - I told him I will accept an email from time to time. HOWEVER .... Because BS will not allow him back into the house, he is in an "in-between" stage and I believe he just wants to keep in contact so that I can be a "just in case". This makes me angry - I am noone's "just in case"! He argues that he moved out and then chose to be with me, so that is not it; he thinks it may be in his children's best interest for he and his W to try and sort things out and if they can't, then we can try and be together. What? So my life is to be on hold until she decides is she wants him back? (which I don't think she does, but that's a whole different thing) I think not! Why couldn't he, in spite of me, stay gone for at least 3 months, take some time and THINK, then make up his mind what he really wants from a woman? How do you say you make a strong, firm, and correct decision to leave home, you leave, but then in less than 2 months, it's a mistake? I thought you wanted to leave for the past 5 years?! And now I have to suffer? Is it me, or is it indecisiveness? UURGGH.
Author complicatedlife Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 He's not being indecisive...he just doesn't want to end up alone. He told me more than once that he thinks he will end up being alone....
Author complicatedlife Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Oh hell no! You are not going to put up with this. I hope you will tell him exactly what you have written here. Tell him you're no one's "back up plan" or "just in case" woman. I certainly did tell him that - he denies it.
Author complicatedlife Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 I apologize in advance, and I admit it's unseemly to ask and none of my damn business, and I promise not to rub your nose in it either way, but curiosity is killing me, and I can't help asking.... did anything "happen" at the wedding, or were you able to maintain your intended platonic demeanor throughout? There... I'm not proud of it, but I said it. Trimmer! I plead the fifth... From the context, here, I assume you mean "he didn't want this, but he agreed to it"? yes, you are right I just think that if someone is truly intending to make a good-faith effort at reconciliation, that means completely cutting any connection with an outside romantic interest. From any decent therapist point of view, that would be so correct. Then he will not be fully present in his reconciliation attempt, will he? Probably not. Fine, then if it is for the kids, then he should have no problem cutting all contact, and go make a full on, good faith effort. Again, you seem to get that, but he doesn't.I agree. But you know what? It's hard for me - I'm sure it's hard for him, too. Indeed. Makes you wonder: if he does end up making any kind of a strong, firm commitment to a relationship with you, how long will it be before he questions that? I DO wonder.... I don't mean to just throw rocks at him here, but it seems like you see his situation more clearly even than he does. He's not making a full, good-faith commitment to any course of action, and as a result of his half-assed efforts in every direction, he's going to end up with rotten results everywhere. Is this a pattern in his life? Maybe something you should consider, even if he does end up being "available" at some point in the future.- exactly how I feel - all of his attempted efforts,have been half-assed
Author complicatedlife Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 It sounds as if he did make a decision. He decided that he wanted his family back. He tried it for 2 months with you, then found that he preferred to be with his family. This is pretty common with MM's. They think the grass is greener until wifey gives them full grazing privilidges by booting them out the door. Then they fight like hell to get back to the barn. Very common. Early this morning he told me that he is re-thinking his decision. What confusion....
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 It will probably be that way for a while. He isn't confused. He is just trying to find a way to keep his marriage and you too.
Author complicatedlife Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 It will probably be that way for a while. He isn't confused. He is just trying to find a way to keep his marriage and you too. How can he "keep" me when we're done? I'm not seeing him anymore. I will still talk with him, because for now it seems to pacify me, but other than talking a few times per week, I'm finished.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 As long as he has you in his life on some level, he still 'has' you in his mind. Maybe that scant interaction you have is enough for him, or perhaps he is just waiting it out figuring you'll come around and be more involved at a later time. Not sure really. What do you want out of this?
Author complicatedlife Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 As long as he has you in his life on some level, he still 'has' you in his mind. Maybe that scant interaction you have is enough for him, or perhaps he is just waiting it out figuring you'll come around and be more involved at a later time. Not sure really. What do you want out of this? I wanted to be with him. I suppose that hasn't changed, but I am really not sure I would ever be able trust him, and without that, we don't have much.
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