Out of Emotional Abuse to Separated and Happy! but why feel guilty

[Centar13]

Well i'm back again... last time I wrote I got blasted about my client and after expressing there is nothing going on between me and my client - my events in my life have changed.

 

My H and I have been separated for little over a month now and I couldn't be more happy! But why do I sometimes feel guilty that his face is out of shape?

 

I will begin another story or chapter of my life..... all inputs and advice are welcomed and taken into consideration....

 

While many years with my H - i've felt depressed, angry, no love for him, dead inside - the list goes on... After my H moved out we did decide to go to counciling and in the mean time I started looking for reasons (reading) why i'm feeling this way.. I came across information on "Emotional Abuse" and after reading about the symtoms and how the abusers brainwashers the victim - I was like WOW!!! this is my life - this is what I've been feeling for the past 10 years. So it was great validation that I wasn't crazy or over reacting.

 

The night before our counciling session - my H had is own counciling session with another therapist to help him with is angry, drinking, anxious behavior, etc... and I said to him "have you ever heard of emotional abuse before" his response was yes - "My parents emotionally abused me" I told him I suggest you read up on it because i'm bringing it to the table at our session the next day...

 

After years of feeling controlled by him and him pushing me away everytime i suggested we seek counciling or change or behaviors - etc I told him you pushed me too far and I'm done and I can not be your wife. I told him he either has a choice of being my best friend and best parents we can be or make this difficult relationship. I told him I am going to be in his life for the rest of his life because of our children...

 

When I see his face all upset and crying infront of the children - which I might add that makes out to look like the vilon - I told him... look in the mirror - and look at your face that look on your face is the look i carried for years and you didn't notice.

 

Right now I feel like a weight is lifted, sun is shining and I can exhale

 

Sooo people - help me understand why I feel bad he is so upset!

 

ps sorry for any misspelled - I didn't spell check!

[Moose]

Let me think.....probably because you have no reason to seperate from your husband, let alone divorce him.

 

Marriage is about taking the bad with the good. He obviously has issues from his childhood. Instead of helping him deal with it, you throw it in his face.

 

Instead of correcting your marital problems, and helping your husband with his personal issues, you just bailed out......I'd feel guilty too.....

[Centar13]

Moose!

 

Yes for 10 years I tried to help my husband with his childhood problems, I've tried to help him with his anxious, stood by him for no one else would, but I'm supposed to stay in a controlled enviornment, emotionally abused environment, verbal abuse, jealousy, insecurities, lashing out, oh the list goes on.... So i'm supposed to stay for 10 years... sorry i'm not into being abused... I don't think we were supposed to be on this earth to take abuse. Marriage shouldn't be this way

[Moose]

Moose!

 

Yes for 10 years I tried to help my husband with his childhood problems, I've tried to help him with his anxious, stood by him for no one else would, but I'm supposed to stay in a controlled enviornment, emotionally abused environment, verbal abuse, jealousy, insecurities, lashing out, oh the list goes on.... So i'm supposed to stay for 10 years... sorry i'm not into being abused... I don't think we were supposed to be on this earth to take abuse. Marriage shouldn't be this way

Besides, "standing by him when noone else would", what else did you do?

 

How long has he been in counceling? How many sessions have you been to?

 

As far as, "emotional abuse" it is what you make it in my opinion....

 

My wife says some pretty harsh things to me, and she's a HUGE manipulator, but it's up to me if I allow it to affect my emotions.

 

Has he been physically abusive to you or the kids?

 

The guilt is there for a reason. I think it's because of what I said....otherwise, you wouldn't of gotten so defensive....

[lovecat]

Relax, Centar. Of course marriage isn't about being abused and living with it. Of course we're supposed to help out our partners through difficult times but everyone has his/her own limitations, some cannot take forever only the bitter part. There comes a time when you want to live a normal life. And everyone has a right to this.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling bad he is upset. So many years of marriage cannot be wiped off just like that. Even if there's no love you probably still care a bit about his feelings. And yes, it may be guilt you're experiencing, his state being generated by your actions, but it was also self-defense. It's also human to feel sorry for someone who hurts, even if they caused you a lot of suffering. But time will solve things I suppose. And hope relief will compensate. There's nothing much you can do about this. Go on, regain your dignity, feel alive, get strong to raise your children.

[amaysngrace]

As far as, "emotional abuse" it is what you make it in my opinion....

 

My wife says some pretty harsh things to me, and she's a HUGE manipulator, but it's up to me if I allow it to affect my emotions.

 

 

Obviously you're not being emotionally abused. She's not controlling you. She may get her way from time to time but that's called compromise.

 

Huge difference.

 

And saying harsh things can be called ineffective communication. It doesn't mean that someone is abusive just because they aren't skilled at communicating while they are angry. That's more a maturity issue. Or a patience issue or whatever.

 

Please don't make light of abuse Moose. I'm disappointed that you'd even go there.

[Moose]

Please don't make light of abuse Moose. I'm disappointed that you'd even go there.

Why not? You just explained what I was saying in a different way.....:

And saying harsh things can be called ineffective communication. It doesn't mean that someone is abusive just because they aren't skilled at communicating while they are angry. That's more a maturity issue. Or a patience issue or whatever.

[amaysngrace]

Oh come on. Abuse is abuse. It's about having a power over someone who is frail emotionally. Or physically. Abusers prey on the weak.

[Melovator]

Very often in abusive relationships the victim of the abuse 'takes on' all of the abuser's emotional issues. In essence they carry the abuser's emotional luggage. You feel free Centar because you've put his luggage down but you feel guilty because for years he's probably told you that you are responsible for how he's feeling.

 

There is very big difference between saying nasty things and being manipulative and emotional abuse. With emotional abuse (which is quite often a precursor to physical abuse but if the emotional works many abusers don't feel the need to get physical) its all about power and control, the abuser fills up their own empty emotional spaces with energy taken from their victim.

 

Moose: seriously google emotional abuse and from now on if someone tells you that they're in or have been in an abusive relationship please remember that your response to that is very important. This reaction from you is quite a typical one from people with no real understanding of the issues. I realise Centar is a woman- but reactions like yours are the reason why so many men stay in emotionally abusive relationships- because other men do not take it seriously and do not offer support.

[Centar13]

Melovator:

Thank you - well said! Now that you say it.. yes I did take on his emotional issues. I took on his fears, insecurities, anger and resentment of his short comings. It was he that could not recongize his emotions and why he is feeling this way. I asked him if he is still going to continue with therapy - his response was no - whats the point. I on the other hand am going to continue with therapy to understand how to deal with his emotions and see why I accepted his behavior.

 

As for Moose - hey... seriously you really need to google emotional abuse - and the effects of someones actions - that it not only affects my life but my childrens life. I would not want my daughter going through life thinking its ok for a man to treat a woman to that extend. and I wouldn't want my son feeling he could treat woman in a disrespectful manor.

[Moose]

seriously you really need to google emotional abuse

What does google know that I haven't experienced??

 

You don't have a clue what I know, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't preach to the choir....

I would not want my daughter going through life thinking its ok for a man to treat a woman to that extend.

And I wouldn't want MY daughter to think it's ok to bail when she's made a covenant with her husband to stay through sickness and in health....

and I wouldn't want my son feeling he could treat woman in a disrespectful manor.

Then I suggest you have your kids google emotional abuse so they know what's going on with their Daddy and can fully understand why he's behaving this way instead of cuttin' and runnin'.....

 

Your husband NEEDS you and his family to HELP him through this......geeeez...

[Melovator]

What does google know that I haven't experienced??

 

You don't have a clue what I know, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't preach to the choir....And I wouldn't want MY daughter to think it's ok to bail when she's made a covenant with her husband to stay through sickness and in health....Then I suggest you have your kids google emotional abuse so they know what's going on with their Daddy and can fully understand why he's behaving this way instead of cuttin' and runnin'.....

 

Your husband NEEDS you and his family to HELP him through this......geeeez...

 

I don't preach to the choir Moose I sing my own song and emotional abuse is not acceptable any more than physical abuse is. Centar is not responsible for her husband's actions, she has stated that he won't go to counselling- she and her children cannot be expected to stay in a situation where THEY are being harmed and emotional abuse is JUST AS if not MORE harmful than physical abuse.

 

No I don't know about your life but please use your insight and experiences in a supportive way- share what you know, your perspective would probably provide something really valuable, if not for Centar then for other people who lurk looking for information about their own situations.

 

Yes, Centar's STBXH probably does need support but it cannot come at the cost of her and children's mental health. He has to help himself, if he can't do that then all her support is for nothing. Bad things happen to many people as children but there comes a point in our lives where we have to say "My childhood is over- I am in control of my life now, I am responsible for my own actions."

 

She spent ten years with him- that's not cutting and running- and her children have been exposed to his abuse and controlling behaviour- they, as the innocents in this situation deserve better. Most families in this situation DON'T want there to be a split, they just want the abuse to stop. But the family CANNOT make the abuse stop, only the person doing it can.

[Gunny376]

Marry me Mel!

 

Let me bring your Happy Azz to the "land of the BIG PX! & Walmart!

[GeminiWoman]

...And I wouldn't want MY daughter to think it's ok to bail when she's made a covenant with her husband to stay through sickness and in health....Then I suggest you have your kids google emotional abuse so they know what's going on with their Daddy and can fully understand why he's behaving this way instead of cuttin' and runnin'.....

 

Your husband NEEDS you and his family to HELP him through this......geeeez...

 

Moose, I believe the covenant was to love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others, through sickness and health.....

 

My vows did not say 'I can treat you any way I damn well please because you've made a covenant to stay with me no matter what.'

 

Unfortunately, that is what my H thought the vows said. Emotional abuse is very real and just as much of a legitimate reason to leave someone as leaving someone who physically abuses you or cheats on you. People who live with an emotional abuser usually 'stick with it' for years and years, trying to get help for the abuser, trying to honor their vows. It's rarely a 'cut and run' scenario. However, suffering years of emotional abuse at the hands of one's spouse can cause enormous damage to the victim and destroy the marriage. So really, who is responsible for the demise of the marriage? The abuser or the person who finally found enough strength to walk away. I would have stayed with my H forever IF he could have acknowledged that he had issues and was willing to work on them. He was not. He was more interested in being right than being married.

 

Not to sound snide, but I sure hope teach your daughter that she deserves to be treated respectfully by her spouse.Or are you saying she should just put up with whatever crap he dishes out at her? Sometimes the only way to treat yourself with respect is to leave the relationship. Cheers.

[Ladyjane14]

"Emotional Abuse" is a term that gets bandied about quite a bit. Sometimes, there's no denying the truth of it, but sometimes... it's in the eye of the beholder. After reviewing your previous thread, I can see how your current husband could make the same claims of "abuse" against you that you're making against him. You sited some examples of yelling in anger on his part... but nothing that condemns this guy as a chronic "abuser".

 

Probably the reason you're feeling "guilty" is that you're not really leaving him because he's "abusive". You're leaving him because, as you stated in your other thread, you don't think you ever loved him and only married him as a matter of convenience.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting that you reconcile. Frankly, given the fact that you don't have the right feelings for him and apparently never did... he's better off with the freedom to find a woman who will.

 

My suggestion to you instead, would be to deal with him from a standpoint of gentle firmness, so he doesn't get a whole lot of mixed messages, and to deal with him fairly in the divorce proceedings. Don't make a monster out of this guy. I'd be an angry person too if I was living in a marriage where my spouse didn't really care much for me. I think almost anyone would.

[DesperateDad]

I'm with LJ on this one (as usual; who wouldn't be?). It's so easy to cry emotional abuse in the heat of the moment. There are so many times when we just don't get along. If things are consistently just not working, then it's time to take some steps, whether that be counseling (which should be the first resort if the issues can't be talked out) or some sort of separation. But, for the love of god, don't just label a person because you're no longer in love. If you're no longer in love, then so be it, but that doesn't make the other person some kind of monster. Fate is fickle.

[Gunny376]

Emotional abuse? Its all relative to the individual, and their life experiences.

 

What's emotional abuse to one ~ isn't emotional abuse to another.

 

Me? I can take anything a woman can throw at me ~ and I doubt that I would consider it emotional abuse? On the other hand? I've grown very aware since retiring from the Corps and back out her in civilian "la~la" land that much of what I say ~ oftentimes in humor ~ can be and will be misconstruded. Especially here in the "Bible Belt" of the South.

 

In so far as marriage vows? Yes! I believe them when I said them ~ and I meant every word of them! Unfortunately ~ my XW didn't!

 

To too many people ~ its more a case of "until I get tired of putting up with your cheap s***!"

 

I've had "religion" shoved down my throat all my life! Only to see that time and time again the leaders of the church ~ aren't so saintly their damnselves.

 

There's the way things are suppose to be? And then there's the way things are ~ just that plain ~ just that simple. There's what works? And then there's what doesn't work?

 

For each case? Its all the same! But yet? Its all different!

 

We've each have to make the "call" as to what to do with our lives? And we have to figure out what works and what doesn't work? What to put in? And what to leave out?

 

Most people? Get married and don't have the first clue as to what they're getting into?

 

Ditto with personal finance ~ which more times than not go hand in hand with martial problems. But where are we teaching our children about how to be married and how to handle personal finances? Certainly not in the schools, colleges ~ not church?

 

Moose? I've got a lot of respect for your opinions and posts? But in this case? Your projecting your personal belief system and agenda here! Not to disrespect you, but that's the way that I call the ball! And its a foul-ball!

 

You and I aren't the "man" on the ground ~ up close and personal with the day-to-day situation?

 

And I hear what you're saying ~ trouble is? She's not you and your not her ~ nor can the same be said for me!

 

Emotional abuse? To me its kind of a "laughable" term? Its hard for me, knowing who I am to let things even get to that point before I change the locks and give her directions the nearest Motel Six!

[Gunny376]

I'm with LJ on this one (as usual; who wouldn't be?). It's so easy to cry emotional abuse in the heat of the moment. There are so many times when we just don't get along. If things are consistently just not working, then it's time to take some steps, whether that be counseling (which should be the first resort if the issues can't be talked out) or some sort of separation. But, for the love of god, don't just label a person because you're no longer in love. If you're no longer in love, then so be it, but that doesn't make the other person some kind of monster. Fate is fickle.

 

Heeeeyyyyyyy DD! Glad to have you back! UpDate your thread! Let us know your SitRep (Situation Report)!

 

Hope your doing well ~ How's those Babies coping?

[Moose]

Moose? I've got a lot of respect for your opinions and posts? But in this case? Your projecting your personal belief system and agenda here! Not to disrespect you, but that's the way that I call the ball! And its a foul-ball!

I'm going to say this one more time.....the thread starter has a total of 29 posts......they are ALL VAGUE......none of them supply enough details to label her husband an abuser of any kind. Depressed, yes.....abuser...I don't think so.

 

Also she got married because she was pregnant, and has spent 9 years with the man while flirting and fantasizing about other men......

 

I know what emotional abuse is, and what it can do to a person and their future......I just don't think the OP qualifies to use this as an excuse to divorce her husband....she's just looking for justification...

 

Furthermore, if emotional abuse is really more harmful than physical abuse, I could've had my wife locked up for a VERY long time!

[amaysngrace]

 

I know what emotional abuse is, and what it can do to a person and their future......I just don't think the OP qualifies to use this as an excuse to divorce her husband....she's just looking for justification...

 

 

 

I have to agree in this case. You say you'd "never embarrass your husband by yelling at him in public the way he does" but you'll embarrass your husband by taking him to an event where the man you truly desire is.

 

How humiliating for your husband.

 

When you go outside your marriage for a fix you aren't really dedicated to working on your marriage. If you were you'd be going to your husband to fix the marriage with you.

 

And if you're not dedicated to your marriage you should leave it. But expect feelings of guilt to follow.

 

Calling it "abuse" to get more out of the divorce or whatever your reasons are is plain wrong. Given the facts you've presented he has done no more harm to you than you have done to him.

 

If anything, he has been the one who's upfront about it all. You've been sneaky with how you feel.

[Melovator]

Melovator apologises most humbly to Moose, this is why she shouldn't post in haste when emotionally wound.

 

I take emotional abuse very seriously, for f**ked up childhood reasons and because the people (children) who fall through the cracks are the ones who aren't being hit... but it is abuse, control of another person, use of personal power over another to satisfy whatever cracks are creating gaping holes in that person's psyche.

 

But its impact on the victims is just as deep.

 

When they use a fist, yes, people can be put away, but the law is a blunt instrument it cannot compensate anyone for emotional hurts that cannot be quantified and photographed... When thinking badly of yourself becomes normal how can you be compensated for that?

 

And part of the problem is, as LJ so eloquently put it, the term emotional abuse being "bandied about".

 

My mistake was not doing my homework - I apologise. As for the OP please continue with individual counselling- that's all I can write without getting my @ss booted forever...

 

N.B. This post heavily edited by me, may lack coherency

[funkybassplayer]

I think telling a man that he should look at himself crying cos that was you, is a horrible cold and ABUSIVE thing to do. From what i read here, hes better off out, and in time hopefully will heal. In his healing, he may then seek the help that he needs to confront his issues. If its really true that you were not in love with him, no way in the world would he have been able to deal with the issues that he has. That requires real love, and the fact that he didnt want to see a councellor could be he was scared of bringing up the deep issues without the love of someone to support him through dark times. The guit that you feel is for a reason, and trying to blame some1 for your unhappyness is going to keep you in that guilty space.

[smokiejjj]

I think in my relationship we both did emotional abuse to each other.

 

Her ways of abusing:

- severe verbal abuse and name calling

- trying to force me to convert to her religion

- calling my parents and therapist to try and isolate me from my

support structures

- not ever wanting to visit my parents and if we did we

had to stay in a hotel

- insisting that I dress a certain way

- shaming and blaming me for every problem

- when every I brought up my feelings immediately she

would yell at me

- constantly saying she regrets marrying at a young age

- constantly giving me the cold shoulder when I told

her that I loved her.

- trying to make me quit my job and move to same

town as her parents

- waking me up from a sleep to argue about things

 

my ways of abusing

- looking at other women

- watching porn on the side

- giving her too much advice instead of listening to her

feelings

- going into rages

- making fun of her religion

- controlling the finances

 

So that's about it I think in a marriage often both parties are to blame and courts know this as well.