Anxiety from NC

[BrianG]

Well, going to this site has helped out a lot so i figured i would vent on here. Well the friday before this past sunday in which we were meeting up to transfer the bills in my name and say our goodbyes. She calls me Friday confirming a time for Sunday and then we ended up talking for about an hour about some situation with one of her friends and she was wondering why i did not go out and such. We get off the phone because we were both tired. Then Saturday she calls about seeing if something in the apartment that was hers would fit in her car and she asks me what i was doing that night.

 

Well Sunday comes along and we try to transfer the bills in my name and end up going back to our (well mine now) apartment. We talk for about an hour or so, and I was upset (i have a problem showing my emotions but I couldnt help it and was crying, upset, etc. (I know people on here said that i shouldn't show any emotion during this encounter, but i couldnt help it and was one of the problems she expressed about me) I told her that i dont want to give up on us, etc. She said that she was still hurt and upset by what I did and that she thinks we should see what else is out there (meaning seeing other people) and she doesnt see any hope of us getting back together and if its meant to be down the line it will be. She already gave me a second chance and said she couldn't respect herself if she gave me another one. She said that she was happy this week not being with me. I reiterated that im sorry for what i did and how upset i am about it, and she was worried if i was going to stalk her (never have, never will) but it hurt that she would even think that, anyways we hugged and said take care of yourself and she said that if you find someone make sure you hold onto them (which also hurt to hear).

 

So today i go on her myspace page (i removed her from my friends list because it was too hard to see her, but i used a friends login to see her). She seems so happy and is making plans for halloween and such and here i am a miserable wreck. I never had problems with anxiety but its been 3 days so far and i get an anxiety attack (i think that is what it is) everytime i see her picture or comments on myspace. I guess I shouldnt go on myspace for a while? because when i do i want to see what she is up to and I cant help not going to her page. I guess its not healthy for me for a while? It just seems like after 5 years being together (granted i am the one to blame in all this and should/could have been a better boyfriend) that she would be a little more upset or miss me, but i guess not

 

I told her that i would let her out of the lease and pay her half of the rent until the lease is up because I felt bad for what i did and her mom just lost her job and her dad is sick so her money was tight for her and most importantly because i love her. Even though I hated every minute of it i packed up her stuff while she was gone to help her out

 

I am just confused because she calls me on Friday and Saturday and then after we meet Sunday, Adios! I guess that was the closure she needed and I know i should move on and accept that we not going to be together anymore. Trying to keep busy but my mind always wonders to her. I am not a bad person but just made one too many stupid mistakes because of my low self esteem. It sucks when your the one too blame for your own broken heart. Just needed to rant and I want to contact her so i figured i would vent on here instead

[MattyTee]

Hey Brian *hugs*

 

It's really hard and I feel for yo. There really isn't any way to just move on. The acceptance just comes with time. I tried very hard for the first few weeks to tell myself 'let go' but it never worked and in the end I exhausted myself physically and emotionally by trying to force it. The hardest thing you'll have to do for now is to _accept_ that the situation right now means you aren't together. You can't know the future and neither can she. The best way to deal with that is to busy yourself up. Turn all that focus which has been directed at her and direct it at you... give yourself some 'me' time. I would also suggest not bottling any emotions up. Feel everything that comes to you, try and stay with it, experience it but don't let it rule you. I read that sometimes it can help to try and visualise the feeling - what does it look like, where does it 'feel'. It might sound a bit crazy but it occupies your mind

 

As for her being happy. Well she might be, you have to accept that. There is also a chance that she is not letting you see anything other than that. MySpace / Facebook and all that crap is almost entirely useless in letting you know how someone really is. Do you think she would post that she's sad and missing you? I know how you feel, believe me. I'm still 'friends' with my ex on Facebook and every time I log in I get some more news on what she's been doing (party for Halloween, new guy friend who she met on a dating site, etc). I saw those this morning! It tore me up for a few hours until I just said to myself that I'm glad she's happy and finding new friends. I don't believe it 100% ... I'm angry too. I let myself feel angry for a bit and it passed. Then I said the same thing over, "I'm happy for her". The truth is that I love her and loving her means wanting for her what is best for her.

 

Anyway, keep posting. It helps too!

[BrianG]

Hey Brian *hugs*

 

It's really hard and I feel for yo. There really isn't any way to just move on. The acceptance just comes with time. I tried very hard for the first few weeks to tell myself 'let go' but it never worked and in the end I exhausted myself physically and emotionally by trying to force it. The hardest thing you'll have to do for now is to _accept_ that the situation right now means you aren't together. You can't know the future and neither can she. The best way to deal with that is to busy yourself up. Turn all that focus which has been directed at her and direct it at you... give yourself some 'me' time. I would also suggest not bottling any emotions up. Feel everything that comes to you, try and stay with it, experience it but don't let it rule you. I read that sometimes it can help to try and visualise the feeling - what does it look like, where does it 'feel'. It might sound a bit crazy but it occupies your mind

 

As for her being happy. Well she might be, you have to accept that. There is also a chance that she is not letting you see anything other than that. MySpace / Facebook and all that crap is almost entirely useless in letting you know how someone really is. Do you think she would post that she's sad and missing you? I know how you feel, believe me. I'm still 'friends' with my ex on Facebook and every time I log in I get some more news on what she's been doing (party for Halloween, new guy friend who she met on a dating site, etc). I saw those this morning! It tore me up for a few hours until I just said to myself that I'm glad she's happy and finding new friends. I don't believe it 100% ... I'm angry too. I let myself feel angry for a bit and it passed. Then I said the same thing over, "I'm happy for her". The truth is that I love her and loving her means wanting for her what is best for her.

 

Anyway, keep posting. It helps too!

 

i guess your right about the myspace/facebook. but i guess i feel worse because I posted how i felt sad and was missing her. Just took it off now after your response. I took myself off her friends list because its too hard to see her at the moment. I am thinking about not going on myspace for a while because it just hurts too much right now. I just haven't gotten to acceptance phase of it. I wholehearteldy agree with "I love her and loving her means wanting what is best for her" but just sad and haven't accepted that I couldn't make her happy being with me. I feel like a failure. I thought if you truly love someone you do your darndest to make it work, but i guess she did not truly love me, or time has yet to tell. I tend to be quite negative in the "if its meant to be it will be" thought process but i guess i dont have a choice

[MattyTee]

Well I'm just talking from experience with Facebook. It's made it so much more difficult for me - having said that I've not removed her as a friend on it.

 

Brian, I totally understand about the acceptance thing - I still feel so sad that she didn't stay and try and work it out. I haven't fully accepted it either! It's always easier to give advice than take it...

 

I don't think that because she left she doesn't love you. Sometimes other factors come into play. No one really knows the truth, possibly not even your ex (or mine). As I've said people do make mistakes in life and people have moments of weakness or fear and they sometimes run away.

 

I think people say if it's meant to be it will be to ease your thinking about it. It can help you shift focus from the relationship onto yourself - which in the end is the only thing you can do. You can't control someone else or your own life really, you can only choose how you act. The important thing is to realise that right now you are the most important thing to you - and to work with that. It's not easy, I don't manage it every day. Give yourself time to grieve, really experience it.

 

As I said, it's easier to give advice than take it. I don't even know if my advice is helping ... but I wish you all the best!

[starlite]

Oh Brian! I am sorry you are going through a hard time, but I read your first thread to see what you did...and you did blow it. Once trust is broken it is hard to get back. I was in a similar situation with my bf. He broke my trust 8 times (i know, I am an idiot) , he blamed me and I believed it was my insecurities for a while. Now i know better.

 

The part of your last post you said "I thought if you truly love someone you do your darndest to make it work, but i guess she did not truly love me" and that is such crap. I loved my bf so much...soooo much! He meant the world to me. We lived together and I wanted to marry this man...but he broke my trust too many times and i recently realized...I deserve so much better!

 

It has been 2 and a half weeks since the break up..and i still get very sad, but if you look at my myspace or see me out I wouldnt seem happier. I love him! But I deserve better and that in itself helps the process.

 

Just wanted you to kind of hear it from where your gf probably stands. She loved you...probably still does, but trust is huge.

 

Love does NOT conquer all.

[BrianG]

Oh Brian! I am sorry you are going through a hard time, but I read your first thread to see what you did...and you did blow it. Once trust is broken it is hard to get back. I was in a similar situation with my bf. He broke my trust 8 times (i know, I am an idiot) , he blamed me and I believed it was my insecurities for a while. Now i know better.

 

The part of your last post you said "I thought if you truly love someone you do your darndest to make it work, but i guess she did not truly love me" and that is such crap. I loved my bf so much...soooo much! He meant the world to me. We lived together and I wanted to marry this man...but he broke my trust too many times and i recently realized...I deserve so much better!

 

It has been 2 and a half weeks since the break up..and i still get very sad, but if you look at my myspace or see me out I wouldnt seem happier. I love him! But I deserve better and that in itself helps the process.

 

Just wanted you to kind of hear it from where your gf probably stands. She loved you...probably still does, but trust is huge.

 

Love does NOT conquer all.

 

Oh I know I blew it, trust me i do and i know the value of trust in a relationship. I put myself in her shoes and it made me feel even worse. ive been beating myself up over this since it all happened. See im one that is to blame for my broken heart and I know she is probably feeling the same exact way that she deserves better, and you and her are right.

 

Im just really sad and upset now because I doubt she will ever give me another shot. All i can do now is work on myself so that i never happens again. Im trying a lot of different things on working on being a trustworthy person. I started reading self- help books and seeing a counselor to help me with it. But it doesn't help with the grief of losing someone you love more than anything. I guess in my case i just have to move on and whenever the next person comes along make sure i dont make the same mistakes. Just sucks because I wish it was her!