Northern Girl Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I've been in a LTR for over a year and a half. We plan to marry (someday). Both in our 40's - have our own homes - kids - jobs - busy schedules, etc. We normally only see each other on weekends, however on occasion when my children's father takes them during the week, I am available... Last night was one of those nights. He knew I did not have the kids with me and was home alone. We had plans for me to come over to his house when he got home from running an errand with his daughter. It would be 9P when he got home. I was ready... as usual spent time on "myself" to get ready ... waiting for his call .... very happy and excited to see him. He called at 9 only to tell me that "he is just going to take a shower and call it a night because he is tired". Basically telling me he now did NOT want me to come over. Being the emotional person I am I started to cry. My whole evening was planned around going to his house. I could have done something else... or relaxed... etc. I was very upset and very emotional... He ended up hanging up on me because he thought it was ridiculous. He got angry with me for being upset. Therefore - making me feel guilty for having feelings and emotions - and I END UP APOLOGIZING!!! He also said something about me being mad because he spent time with his daughter, and how it is always "all about me". Ugh! I am so confused... am I crazy to have reacted that way? I'm 40-something and feel like a confused teenager today.
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I understand completely how you feel. It's all the woman factor. That and it's already frustrating enough when you're looking forward to something and it falls through. When it's a man you love, it makes it worse. Instead of being in their arms and happy, you have to be all by yourself thinking about him. Men don't get this. Also, he was out and doing things and his mind wasn't on the night. He got tired and wanted to sleep. Whereas you had been waiting for hours. If you explain it in that way, it would make more sense to him. Just take a deep breath and compromise. It's hard but try and think like a man so you can explain how it made you feel as a woman. We all do it. Unfortunately we can't see the crazy in it til after.
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. It doesn't sound like you get nights like that often to look forward. From your viewpoint he sounds pretty selfish. Not just the cancelling but waiting until 9PM to do it. How much of this do you have to tolerate with him?
Author Northern Girl Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Thank you for letting me know it is ok to feel that way... I needed to hear that! Yes, the thought of him being selfish crossed my mind about a thousand times during the night while I didn't sleep... The audacity of him to say "It's all about you"! What exactly WAS "about me" last night?? I did want to be a PART of his night, and that didn't even happen. Normally we don't even make plans - because he can't. He can't deal with it... I can't even mention an upcoming weekend without it causing problems. He likes to make plans and decisions at the spur of the momemt... more like.... how HE feels at the moment. Ugh. And no, we do not get many nights like that often, which made it so much more difficult for me to deal with. He made a comment about it "not being a big deal". ~sigh~, well, it was to me...
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I think I've written this about 20 times so far... Why do people continue to be drawn to those that have no room for hem in their lives? It's a very masochastic dating strategy.
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Men don't understand that something that isn't a big deal to them almost always is to us. I don't think he meant to be selfish, after all he wa with his daughter, but you were patient and completely fine with waiting til 9. You probably need to talk to him and tell him that he may not like plans, but to be happy sometimes you need them. Tell him you both need to compromise and sometimes make plans and other times be spontaneous. If you are reasonable and make sense, he can't argue. And if he does then he is selfish and you'll need to address that with him.
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I think I've written this about 20 times so far... Why do people continue to be drawn to those that have no room for hem in their lives? It's a very masochastic dating strategy. Because sometimes you get drawn to people you don't want to be drawn to. You hurt yourself because it hurts more to be alone. It's not always healthy, but it's human. And man does it completely suck.
popey Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I think Ali's responses are very wise. I would add that men do not realize all the things we may go through to get ready if we're going to see them. If they were going to see us at 9, their evening until 9 wouldn't be drastically different then if they weren't. Maybe the difference between taking a 3 minute shower or not. But I also think it was pretty selfish to just call unapologeticly stating that he has changed the plan. Not asking if he could make it up to you another night, or maybe offer that he's really tired, can it be a low key night. nothing, just decided as if the decision only applies to him and his feelings. rude.
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 But I also think it was pretty selfish to just call unapologeticly stating that he has changed the plan. Not asking if he could make it up to you another night, or maybe offer that he's really tired, can it be a low key night. nothing, just decided as if the decision only applies to him and his feelings. rude. Very true. He probably hasn't thought about it that way. If you bring it up to him like this and give him valid reasons as to why you're upset then if he really cares about you, he'll understand and apologize.
Star Gazer Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 The audacity of him to say "It's all about you"! What exactly WAS "about me" last night?? I did want to be a PART of his night, and that didn't even happen. An angry comment like this isn't based on just one particular event, but a series of events and conflicts throughout the course of the entire relationship. I think you need to look beyond your disappointment of this one isolated evening and look at the bigger picture.
popey Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 An angry comment like this isn't based on just one particular event, but a series of events and conflicts throughout the course of the entire relationship. I think you need to look beyond your disappointment of this one isolated evening and look at the bigger picture. How do you know what his comment was based on or not based on? What you're saying may be dead on, but I there are many other possibilities. he could be down right spoiled, and so the first time she expresses feelings about what she want's, he deems it "all about her"... or he could be thoughtless, egocentric and devoid of reason, and therefor if he does something to upset her, he shuts off his brain and just declares angrily "its all about her." Who knows?
jcster Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I can completely understand that you were upset by this change of plans, and his seeming disinterest in seeing you. I have shed a few tears over situations like this myself. However, by crying TO HIM over the phone, you took it from the realm of disappointment. Even though it might not have been your original intent, you were obviously angry and disappointed and wanted him to know it. You wanted him to realize how much it hurt you to be brushed off. I've never known a single man who will react well to this. They view it as manipulation, and if we are honest with ourselves as women, sometimes it is. I'm not saying that there isn't a bigger issue at stake here (his not making time for you), but that is something that you really need to work out rationally and with your needs at heart. Crying at him over the phone will just impede communication.
Author Northern Girl Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 It's just how I am.... I cry very easily. It's my nature, and he should know that about me by now. Especially at certain times of the month, it's worse. That isn't an excuse... it is a very common factor for women. Unfortunately. There was no intentional crying at him over the phone... it just happened. My emotions are all over the place when I'm hurt or disappointed about something, I hate that about myself. My previous boyfriend understood me, and was compassionate. He loved my emotional side and told me the reasons why. He said it was something about me that I can't help, and it just showed him I was genuine. I wish this man would understand me that way. Instead.... he gets angry when I'm emotional.
popey Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 There could be many reasons for this. Maybe it makes him feel inadequate when you get upset.... he let you down again. Many men really are not good at handling this, b/c unlike women, male friends don't tell eachother "you really let me down... hurt my feelings... dissappointed me... etc" right? And so they walk the world thinking they do nothing wrong.. their great- no one tells them otherwise. Maybe, he just doesn't understand the emotions and is frustated by being at a complete loss, and needs help understanding how to better deal with this. Maybe he's a selfish prick, and is quite simply angry at your nerve to burden him with your wants and feelings. You need to talk in an un-attacking manner to find out where he is.
jcster Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 It's just how I am.... I cry very easily. It's my nature, and he should know that about me by now. Especially at certain times of the month, it's worse. That isn't an excuse... it is a very common factor for women. Unfortunately. I understand...I am also very emotional. I don't like it either, but I cry very easily. There was no intentional crying at him over the phone... it just happened. My emotions are all over the place when I'm hurt or disappointed about something, I hate that about myself. Again, I understand, and I have done a decent amount of this in the past as well. I've learned to anticipate this in myself, however, and now I will excuse myself rather than break down in front of someone. I also find deep breathing and derailing the "emotional avalanche" in my thinking also helps. My previous boyfriend understood me, and was compassionate. He loved my emotional side and told me the reasons why. He said it was something about me that I can't help, and it just showed him I was genuine. I wish this man would understand me that way. Instead.... he gets angry when I'm emotional. This is going to be a problem. Even if he doesn't understand, he should at least give you the benefit of the doubt. Do you cry around him a lot? This might explain his response.
Author Northern Girl Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 No, I don't cry around him a lot.... actually I've probably done the "break down" thing like last night a total of 4-5 times in the year and a half we've been together. All for different reasons. He always says I'm too "easy going", so whether or not THAT is good, at least he doesn't think I'm high-strung!
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