xsianx Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 ....why do they cheat/feel a need to turn to another woman? I got caught up in what you might call an EA with a MM and an EA that lasted quite a few months. It was NEVER and didn't become physical, we are long distance, although we arranged and had planned to meet in November this year, however I managed to end it before it went that far. I know that people hear this all the time, but we did start out as friends. He wasn't looking and neither was I. It began as a completely innocent friendship and along the way, developed into something a little more....I'm unsure how that happened? He would text and call me a lot, he'd be on the phone for hours, say he had feelings for me and he knew I had them too. And thus eventually, it reached the stage where there was talk of meeting. Throughout the months I knew this man though, he always maintained that he was happy in his marriage, they had a good lifestyle, he had everything he'd ever wanted and he never once, put down his wife or claimed that he was unhappy. He's been with his wife for ten years. There were also times, when he would say to me, that he'd be willing to give it all up for me, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and he seemed to be struggling between right and wrong. I know this because he tried to say goodbye to me a lot of times throughout the months I knew him and he'd be gone for around two or three days, but then he'd always get back in touch again. He'd call me on the phone crying, saying his head was totally screwed up because of me, how he couldn't let me go, etc... Likewise, there were times when I tried to say goodbye to him and the NC would only last two days and I'd be going crazy because I used to miss him a lot. He also wouldn't let me say goodbye. If I didn't call him after two days, he'd call me. I guess we were both trying to fight the feelings we had for one another, with little success.... What I don't understand is, is that if this guy was so happy in his marriage like he'd claimed, then surely he'd have been immune from ever getting caught up in this emotional entanglement with me?? If he was so happy, then why text/call me, arrange to meet? Happily married men don't act this way, do these things....do they? Or at least you wouldn't expect them too. Just for the record, we've been NC for over three weeks. It's not the longest we've been NC tho....he did come back once after 6 weeks of NC and I caved, but if there's a next time, I won't be caving.
White Flower Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 They turn to another woman because everything is not perfect. It is perfect to a degree (if that makes sense!) but something is missing and they feel you can fill that void. I'm still looking for my own answers; wish I could help you more. If he really wants to trade it all in for you, then let him do it before a full on A happens, IMO. Otherwise the turmoil will all but kill you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 1. What I don't understand is, is that if this guy was so happy in his marriage like he'd claimed, then surely he'd have been immune from ever getting caught up in this emotional entanglement with me?? 2. Happily married men don't act this way, do these things....do they? Or at least you wouldn't expect them too. 1. Not necessarily. Sometimes a man can be perfectly content in his marriage, have no intention of ever leaving it, but simply want some objective ego stroking from an outside source. Kind of hard to fulfill that objective need from a purely subjective marriage, eh? 2. Some guys want to know they still 'have it' in terms of being able to seduce a woman, and make her fall madly in love with him. Some men are content and happy in their marriages, but find the sex, while pleasant and something he still does - to be getting a little stale for him, and he wants to try out some new sex with someone else. Doesn't mean he is unhappy in his marriage - just personally bored - there are only so many ways you can couple with a person over an extended period of time, and for some the sex might be superhot - but its still sex with the same person you've been with for years. They want to hold on to the married sex they have, and revisit the 'stranger sex' they had before marriage. Same for emotional involvements. Married love is comforting and supportive and plenty of guys are happy with that. That is what keeps them married regardless of how much they profess to 'love' the OW. The love for OW is a hot, new, passionate, lustful type of thing - the sort of crush love that fades in a long term relationship. It can be addicting - that rush of the new. Doesn't mean they want to give up what the married love though. That's why they stay married. Many an OW has the mistaken notion that falling in love with her means that he will fall out of love with the wife and leave his marriage. MM don't think in terms of 'either/or' they think in terms of 'both'. He gets his needs from two sources, and he wants and needs them both. He has a marriage he is content with, and happy in within the married context, and he has an OW he is content with, and happy with within the affair context. So, why would he choose? Unless he is forced to, he won't. The hard part is when the MM convinces you that he is desperately unhappy in his marriage, that he wants out, and that he is stuck, blah, blah, blah. He has to say that stuff - it makes it easier to keep you around. If he gets caught, he will say equally unflattering things about you - so that he won't lose his marriage.
norajane Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Because it's not a problem within the marriage - it's a problem within the MM. When faced with the opportunity to have more than what he already has, his desire for it is greater than his integrity and honor. Ever see a kid playing with a toy and perfectly content with it? But then he sees another toy and wants that one TOO. Not instead of, but in addition to the one he already has and would not give up for the second toy.
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 What I don't understand is, is that if this guy was so happy in his marriage like he'd claimed, then surely he'd have been immune from ever getting caught up in this emotional entanglement with me?? If he was so happy, then why text/call me, arrange to meet? Because having someone new flirt with him was an adrenaline shot to his ego. Some folks just tend to get a bit too carried away with that sort of stuff until they actually begin to lose their minds ... and sometimes everything else in the process. Well, at least until they’re eventually hit with a leveling dose of reality which knocks them out of La La Land and back onto their proverbial butts. The “high” is one kicker of a joyride, but it’s the free fall back to earth that’s the killer. Happily married men don't act this way, do these things....do they? Or at least you wouldn't expect them too. Well, you wouldn’t think so. But it happens all the time. Besides, what’s “rational thinking” to someone whose head is all muddled up and they can’t decipher the line between reality and fantasy in the first place? After all, what sane and emotionally stable adult would be willing to give up EVERYTHING for someone online who they’ve never actually met in person (???) Anyone with an average I.Q. and just a little common sense would know this individual isn’t playing with a full deck. Listen to your internal jerk-O-meter and continue to steer clear of this one. There are still plenty of emotionally well-balanced singles out there to choose from. Although I agree that the pickin’s these days seem to be growing slim, so long as you remain more patient and selective than the Bimbo beside you, you’ll get lucky enough one day to land one of those rare quality men of you own.
Author xsianx Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 After all, what sane and emotionally stable adult would be willing to give up EVERYTHING for someone online who they’ve never actually met in person (???) Anyone with an average I.Q. and just a little common sense would know this individual isn’t playing with a full deck. Uhm, exactly! And when he would talk of giving all up, I used to think wtf??? and tell him not to be so stupid! But he could've been and probably was talking bull crap when he would say these things. Unsure why he'd want me to think he was about to throw his life away though, because this was just an online thing.....it's not like he was saying those things to have me believe I meant something to him, to hang onto the sex or anything. All he was getting from me, was regular conversation . Listen to your internal jerk-O-meter and continue to steer clear of this one. There are still plenty of emotionally well-balanced singles out there to choose from. Although I agree that the pickin’s these days seem to be growing slim, so long as you remain more patient and selective than the Bimbo beside you, you’ll get lucky enough one day to land one of those rare quality men of you own. Oh I intend to steer clear And thanks
norajane Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Uhm, exactly! And when he would talk of giving all up, I used to think wtf??? and tell him not to be so stupid! But he could've been and probably was talking bull crap when he would say these things. Unsure why he'd want me to think he was about to throw his life away though, because this was just an online thing.....it's not like he was saying those things to have me believe I meant something to him, to hang onto the sex or anything. All he was getting from me, was regular conversation . Well, he was trying to meet with you. And I'm sure he was wanting to have sex then. It is possible he was saying a lot of that stuff to get you to a point where you'd want to give him sex, too.
Author xsianx Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Well, he was trying to meet with you. And I'm sure he was wanting to have sex then. It is possible he was saying a lot of that stuff to get you to a point where you'd want to give him sex, too. Well one minute he was wanting to meet, the next he wasn't, then he was, then he wasn't. He seemed to be conflicted, over what he wanted and didn't want. But on the offchance this meet had happened, I guess he was saying these things to secure sex perhaps. Half of the things he'd say, went in one ear and out of the other, but that didn't stop me from really liking this guy. I just wasn't daft enough to believe everything he said.
Meaplus3 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 ....why do they cheat/feel a need to turn to another woman? I got caught up in what you might call an EA with a MM and an EA that lasted quite a few months. It was NEVER and didn't become physical, we are long distance, although we arranged and had planned to meet in November this year, however I managed to end it before it went that far. I know that people hear this all the time, but we did start out as friends. He wasn't looking and neither was I. It began as a completely innocent friendship and along the way, developed into something a little more....I'm unsure how that happened? He would text and call me a lot, he'd be on the phone for hours, say he had feelings for me and he knew I had them too. And thus eventually, it reached the stage where there was talk of meeting. Throughout the months I knew this man though, he always maintained that he was happy in his marriage, they had a good lifestyle, he had everything he'd ever wanted and he never once, put down his wife or claimed that he was unhappy. He's been with his wife for ten years. There were also times, when he would say to me, that he'd be willing to give it all up for me, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and he seemed to be struggling between right and wrong. I know this because he tried to say goodbye to me a lot of times throughout the months I knew him and he'd be gone for around two or three days, but then he'd always get back in touch again. He'd call me on the phone crying, saying his head was totally screwed up because of me, how he couldn't let me go, etc... Likewise, there were times when I tried to say goodbye to him and the NC would only last two days and I'd be going crazy because I used to miss him a lot. He also wouldn't let me say goodbye. If I didn't call him after two days, he'd call me. I guess we were both trying to fight the feelings we had for one another, with little success.... What I don't understand is, is that if this guy was so happy in his marriage like he'd claimed, then surely he'd have been immune from ever getting caught up in this emotional entanglement with me?? If he was so happy, then why text/call me, arrange to meet? Happily married men don't act this way, do these things....do they? Or at least you wouldn't expect them too. Just for the record, we've been NC for over three weeks. It's not the longest we've been NC tho....he did come back once after 6 weeks of NC and I caved, but if there's a next time, I won't be caving. What I don't understand is, is that if this guy was so happy in his marriage like he'd claimed, then surely he'd have been immune from ever getting caught up in this emotional entanglement with me?? You have KNOW idea how many times I have asked that same qeustion on this board! I was in a very long ea with a mm who claimed everything was peachy keen and still would say that till this day. I myself could not understand why he needed me so mcuh for emotional support and excitement if everything was all well and good at home, it did not make sense and nearly drove me nut's. After much feedback from LS poster's, my therapy visit's and close friend's, I am can tell you the honest answer. Everything is NOT perfect within the marital Relationship, something is just not right between the H and W. I think that alot of times these mm who get involved in ea's resent their W for some reason or another. The ea is an escape for them from the daily pain's within the marriage. These mm IMO don't really feel guilty about the ea, because in their mind oh well they did not really cheat on their W and break their marriage vow's due to the fact that they did not have SEX. An Emotional Affair is a form of cheating and that's a well documented fact. But unfortunatley some men don't see it that way. AP:)
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Well one minute he was wanting to meet, the next he wasn't, then he was, then he wasn't. He seemed to be conflicted, over what he wanted and didn't want. But on the offchance this meet had happened, I guess he was saying these things to secure sex perhaps. Half of the things he'd say, went in one ear and out of the other, but that didn't stop me from really liking this guy. I just wasn't daft enough to believe everything he said. If he’s into chat lines and phone fantasies, give him a 1-800 number and call it day. Unless you have access to his credit card number and charge by the minute, your energy would be better spent fluffing a guy who is actually free and available to enter a genuine, full-time relationship with you. Anything else would be a shameful waste of your precious feminine talents. No charity cases or pro boners ... PLEASE!
Author xsianx Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 If he’s into chat lines and phone fantasies, give him a 1-800 number and call it day. Unless you have access to his credit card number and charge by the minute, your energy would be better spent fluffing a guy who is actually free and available to enter a genuine, full-time relationship with you. Anything else would be a shameful waste of your precious feminine talents. No charity cases or pro boners ... PLEASE! Errm, there was nothing ever sexual discussed on the phone, we weren't having phone sex, I'm not into crap like that. We just used to talk about everyday things and everyday life and I certainly wasn't fluffing him lol... Men who have a phone fantasy and who are into chat lines, talk to a different female every time they call. I was the only one he was wanting to talk too and did talk to for months. Regardless that was then and he's no longer around, my decision.
Author xsianx Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 The ea is an escape for them from the daily pain's within the marriage. AP:) So they are in pain, in the marriage then? So the chances are, is that this guy I was involved with, will and might end up cheating and having a full blown physical affair eventually?
TogetherForever Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 So they are in pain, in the marriage then? So the chances are, is that this guy I was involved with, will and might end up cheating and having a full blown physical affair eventually? Bingo! You've just hit the nail on the head. TF
Meaplus3 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 So they are in pain, in the marriage then? So the chances are, is that this guy I was involved with, will and might end up cheating and having a full blown physical affair eventually? Yes I very much believe that if this mm was involved in an ea with you then he must be having some kind of issues in his marriage with his W. And YES, if he does not work on those issues he will continue down the same path and eventually wind up in some one elses bed it's just a question of when and how safe he feel's that he won't get caught. AP:)
Impudent Oyster Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 . What I don't understand is, is that if this guy was so happy in his marriage like he'd claimed, then surely he'd have been immune from ever getting caught up in this emotional entanglement with me?? If he was so happy, then why text/call me, arrange to meet? Happily married men don't act this way, do these things....do they? Or at least you wouldn't expect them too. Actually, happily married men DO act that way sometimes, especially if they are bottomless pits when it comes to a need for attention. Doesn't it feel soooo good to have someone flirt with you, and boost your ego, and make you feel good about yourself? Some men (and women) can't get enough of that feeling, so they'll take it from anyone who's willing to give. The fact that this hasn't crossed over to a PA means this guy is concerned about preserving his marriage, and he's just telling himself that he's done nothing wrong. In fact, some would argue that he hasn't. Isn't he trying to end all contact with you? If so, just believe him and end it sooner rather than later. He doesn't want a relationship with you, he just loves the rush of having someone new pump his ego.
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 i dont think any marriage is perfect. creating a sense of perfection i believe is trying to in effect fill a void. when there is love in a marriage, there is usually a vast swing of emotions. the facade of perfection is really the product of a bland and boring marriage that has no ups and downs.. only stagnant and remains on an even keel due to indifference. is it really perfect when he tries to nab you in the sack? everything is perfect in his marriage except for the small fact of it being short of love and any fragment of selflessness.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Mine's never claimed that, so I wouldn't know...
Author xsianx Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Yes I very much believe that if this mm was involved in an ea with you then he must be having some kind of issues in his marriage with his W. And YES, if he does not work on those issues he will continue down the same path and eventually wind up in some one elses bed it's just a question of when and how safe he feel's that he won't get caught. AP:) Well that could've easily been me, had I lived closer to him, because if I'd lived closer, a few months ago I'd have been daft enough to go off and meet him. He's likely already got some other woman to replace me/or he will search for one to replace me, if he's got issues! Even though it's been nearly three weeks, I still miss him terribly, wish he'd call etc.. yet other days I'm fine. Three days ago was my worst day yet.....but I have strong willpower and there's no way I'd call him, no matter how bad I was feeling. I know I will get over it and through it. I've been in much worse places and got over that.
bluebluesky Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 What I don't understand is, is that if this guy was so happy in his marriage like he'd claimed, then surely he'd have been immune from ever getting caught up in this emotional entanglement with me?? If he was so happy, then why text/call me, arrange to meet? Happily married men don't act this way, do these things....do they? Or at least you wouldn't expect them too. Well, lots of things can happen, and it probably comes down to a combination of them. I'm not sure that there's a fine line between happily/unhappily married. Those are two extremes, but I think there's a gray area called "satisfied" in between the two. And I think that's where the danger is. Those are the fence sitters. Or cake bakers, or whatever they're called. These men are satisfied just enough to stay in their marriage (and they may even claim to be "happy") but unsatisfied enough to stray.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 NOTHING is perfect. It's not reality - it's fantasyland.
Meaplus3 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Well that could've easily been me, had I lived closer to him, because if I'd lived closer, a few months ago I'd have been daft enough to go off and meet him. He's likely already got some other woman to replace me/or he will search for one to replace me, if he's got issues! Even though it's been nearly three weeks, I still miss him terribly, wish he'd call etc.. yet other days I'm fine. Three days ago was my worst day yet.....but I have strong willpower and there's no way I'd call him, no matter how bad I was feeling. I know I will get over it and through it. I've been in much worse places and got over that. Well just be glad it was NOT YOU! Think of how much worse thing's would be. I know it's early at the end of this ea, but now is the time to forget! If you keep going with this in your mind it will take so much longer and trust me I know first hand. If I had accepted and forgot alot sooner I would be in a much better place right now in my mind and with my marriage. When you say he's probably got some one new, you are most likely correct. This is how this type of mm with issues will contiune to operate until one day he is MAN enough to face his problem's in his marriage or he finally has a pa, get's caught and get's kicked to the curb! His problem's not yours!! AP:)
Author xsianx Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Well just be glad it was NOT YOU! Think of how much worse thing's would be. I know it's early at the end of this ea, but now is the time to forget! If you keep going with this in your mind it will take so much longer and trust me I know first hand. If I had accepted and forgot alot sooner I would be in a much better place right now in my mind and with my marriage. When you say he's probably got some one new, you are most likely correct. This is how this type of mm with issues will contiune to operate until one day he is MAN enough to face his problem's in his marriage or he finally has a pa, get's caught and get's kicked to the curb! His problem's not yours!! AP:) I hear what you are saying, but thoughts and feelings can't be switched off like a lightbulb can....if only they could. I'd have been in a much better place right now, had he not come back a few months ago and instead stayed away! I told him 3 weeks back, he shouldve stayed away for good and when I said goodbye. I don't think he believed me when I said goodbye.....all he replied via the mail to my goodbye, was "LOL"....but he's not been in touch regardless and neither have I. Now he's prowling a profile I have on the net, every so often....he could be prowling these forums even!! I know he has posted on infidelity forums, unsure which ones though!!!
Author xsianx Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Well, lots of things can happen, and it probably comes down to a combination of them. I'm not sure that there's a fine line between happily/unhappily married. Those are two extremes, but I think there's a gray area called "satisfied" in between the two. And I think that's where the danger is. Those are the fence sitters. Or cake bakers, or whatever they're called. These men are satisfied just enough to stay in their marriage (and they may even claim to be "happy") but unsatisfied enough to stray. Hmmm, he's probably in the 'satisfied' bracket ~ like you say, these men are satisfied enough to stay in the marriage, but unsatisfied enough to stray or 'physically' stray perhaps. Hence is why, one minute he wanted to meet me, then he didn't, then he did, etc, etc. This particular man, has however cheated to a certain extent, he has 'emotionally' cheated on his wife. But men don't view 'emotional' cheating, as having cheated or betrayed. It's only cheating to men, if it was physical. When people keep secrets from a partner, it is a betrayal. His wife actually knew about me. She knew that we'd become online friends, but she doesn't know how far it all went/how long it lasted. She thinks we stopped chatting months ago.
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