Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Hey, so here's the issue. I was sleeping with this guy 3 years ago and stopped because things ended on a somewhat bad note. We still kept in touch, even after i got back with my ex and he went overseas to Iraq for a year. For all 3 years I thought about him every day. It was hard not to. I realized that I wasn't in love with my bf, so i broke it off. Now I'm seeing this guy again. Every other guy I've seen and slept with I really could care less about. In fact i can sit here and think about my ex (who I was with for 5 years) having sex with someone else and it doesn't bother me at all. But if I think about this guy and another woman, I freak out inside. Nobody has ever had this kind of pull on me before. I don't really like it, but I do at the same time. So here are the issues, first, he is a bit of a whore. He's very honest about it and doesn't hide anything. I just don't know how much I would be able to trust him if we did try and be together. Second, he lives in Orlando and in less than two weeks, i'll be moving to Tampa. It's not THAT far away, but still. He's told me he loves me and I've said the same, but I got out of a relationship not all that long ago, and he just got divorced and has been burned by women before. So I just don't know whether or not to trust our feelings at this point. He just has this pull on me that I can't explain. What can I do?
plainoldjared Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Hey, so here's the issue. I was sleeping with this guy 3 years ago and stopped because things ended on a somewhat bad note. We still kept in touch, even after i got back with my ex and he went overseas to Iraq for a year. For all 3 years I thought about him every day. It was hard not to. I realized that I wasn't in love with my bf, so i broke it off. Now I'm seeing this guy again. Every other guy I've seen and slept with I really could care less about. In fact i can sit here and think about my ex (who I was with for 5 years) having sex with someone else and it doesn't bother me at all. But if I think about this guy and another woman, I freak out inside. Nobody has ever had this kind of pull on me before. I don't really like it, but I do at the same time. So here are the issues, first, he is a bit of a whore. He's very honest about it and doesn't hide anything. I just don't know how much I would be able to trust him if we did try and be together. Second, he lives in Orlando and in less than two weeks, i'll be moving to Tampa. It's not THAT far away, but still. He's told me he loves me and I've said the same, but I got out of a relationship not all that long ago, and he just got divorced and has been burned by women before. So I just don't know whether or not to trust our feelings at this point. He just has this pull on me that I can't explain. What can I do? ok just my take on things, did you have a happy sexual relationship with your bf of 5 yrs? if you didnt, that could be why this army guy is so appealing, you have a great sexual relationship. and before this you had a boyfriend so is it safe to assume that you havent been single for long periods of time? besides the good sex how is your relationship with eachother? does he respect you or do you feel like youre in competition with his other ladies? that could be a reason youre so interested you could subconsciously be trying to beat those ladies. do you have good times when youre just hanging out and not having sex? i
Author Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 We get along great. We have a lot in common and when we arn't having sex(which yes is amazing) we watch movies, make jokes and all that. And yes I kind of do feel like it's a competition between me and the other girls. It's not that I want to compete, I just don't want there to be a competition. I feel like if I am everything I should be and everything he wants me to be, then why am I not enough? Why am i someone that needs to be "considered".
plainoldjared Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 We get along great. We have a lot in common and when we arn't having sex(which yes is amazing) we watch movies, make jokes and all that. And yes I kind of do feel like it's a competition between me and the other girls. It's not that I want to compete, I just don't want there to be a competition. I feel like if I am everything I should be and everything he wants me to be, then why am I not enough? Why am i someone that needs to be "considered". Despite his honesty theres a part in you that hopes that he'll realize that you do have a great relationship with eachother and he'll drop the other women. Its only natural that you would feel so hooked, he still makes you feel important but its just not enough to stop sleeping with other women. You express yourself very clearly and logically, do you want this army guy to be your bf? Are you looking for exclusivity? If so, have you talked to him? What happened if you did? If you didnt, why havent you? Has he hinted to the fact that HE is not looking for exclusivity? If he has, as hard as it is to let go because you've never felt this way, your mind will start playing tricks on you, you'll start rationalizing situations to suit your irrational behaviour. My crazy gf just sent me a picture of a frickin kitten, what the hell is that? Im so angry, I know its best that I dont talk to her because I feel disrespected so I'll end up saying "what the f are you sending me kittens pictures for, when the f are you going to explain to me what the hell happened to us?" Dont get to this point, I dont want to make you paranoid but I cant help but relate everything to my current situation. I never had a sign that something was wrong, if I had I might have been able to avoid these kind of feelings sooner...
Author Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Yeah I understand. For you, just ignore the damn picture for now. She'll start to get the picture the more you ignore her. As for me, I do hope he will be with me. He's told me he loves me and I've said the same thing and we talked about what we should do, but the conversation was just left hanging. I don't know if I'll be able to trust him if we do start a real relationship. I hate secrets and lies. Even with my ex of 5 years I never lied to him except for the last month we were together and I hated that month. I want to be exclusive, and I know he wants the same things. I just think he might be too damaged to let himself have it. I'm so confused. I think I need to finish that conversation with him, I just don't know how to bring it up and I only have a week and a half before I move. BTW do you have a myspace?
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 No man should make a woman feel like she is in competition with another woman. It's his insecurities that he is spilling on you and that's not fair. Get rid of him and find someone new.
plainoldjared Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Yeah I understand. For you, just ignore the damn picture for now. She'll start to get the picture the more you ignore her. As for me, I do hope he will be with me. He's told me he loves me and I've said the same thing and we talked about what we should do, but the conversation was just left hanging. I don't know if I'll be able to trust him if we do start a real relationship. I hate secrets and lies. Even with my ex of 5 years I never lied to him except for the last month we were together and I hated that month. I want to be exclusive, and I know he wants the same things. I just think he might be too damaged to let himself have it. I'm so confused. I think I need to finish that conversation with him, I just don't know how to bring it up and I only have a week and a half before I move. BTW do you have a myspace? Oh see thats it right there, you need to finish that convo. I'd bring it up no problem, its not a weird conversation its actually very important and it will leave you both in a clearer directionl I think once this conversation starts up you'll be able to tell if you can trust him, he'll see that you are serious and if he isnt willing to leave the meaningless sex (thats all it is) for a good woman then you shouldnt be willing to settle for a jerk... I used to have a myspace but I deleted my account long ago, I got on it once in a blue moon... I know everyone and their mother has a myspace
Author Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 I only ask because I'm on there and if you needed someone to talk to one on one, you could always find me there. Let me know if you get one again. As for Blue eyes. I just don't know. I don't think he means to make me feel this way. He's emotionally a wreak too. Neither of our faults really at this point, just a sucky situation. Maybe I'll talk to him tonight.
popey Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 a male friend of mine once offered an interesting theory. Said that if you have a genuine interest in a guy, but don't recieve the level of attention/response from him that you would expect, it makes you curious... hmmm. If you are a curious person about social science, and the like. Your thoughts about it will spark additional thoughts about it, etc. Now your new found thoughts, will be intermixed in your mind with his future observable behaviours.... causing you to ... think more. Eventually this cycle results in you thinking, "I think about him ALL THE TIME." In addition, we are extremely interested in ourselves and want to know why we don't move him to NOT want to be with someone else.... this plays into the idea of him being w/ someone else driving you so crazy.... b/c you don't know if this is caused by some un-named "inadequacy" on the part of you. I know this may not be the situation at all, but I find it a very interesting theory.
Author Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Absolutely. Thats a well put together theory. And is usually the case, the way to test it is to remove yourself from the person and see how you feel after occupying yourself with something or someone else for a while. But, he has told me he feels the same way about me.....he's just a little emotionally challenged and doesn't really trust woman.
jcster Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 So I just don't know whether or not to trust our feelings at this point. He just has this pull on me that I can't explain. What can I do? It sounds to me like you have a nice case of obsession going on. I've been prone to that in the past, too, and a sure sign that it's obsession rather than love is the uncomfortableness of it. You posted that you don't like feeling this way, and it sounds like your gut is trying to tell you something. I suggest that you take a litte time off from this guy. Take a vacation from him and really sit down and have a talk with yourself. What is it that makes you question what's going on? When you start having obsessive thoughts about him, distract yourself and see if your thinking changes.
plainoldjared Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Absolutely. Thats a well put together theory. And is usually the case, the way to test it is to remove yourself from the person and see how you feel after occupying yourself with something or someone else for a while. But, he has told me he feels the same way about me.....he's just a little emotionally challenged and doesn't really trust woman. If he's still emotionally unavaliable, and he doesnt trust women youre going to have a hard time getting the type of interraction that you would like. He's probably operating off defense mode which isnt him and after a while it gets hard to discern between defensiveness and a natural reaction... Maybe after you converse tonight you'll realize that moving and putting a little distance between you two is the best for now...
Author Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Yeah, I know it will help. I was actually supposed to move in december, but I moved it ahead to seperate myself from this situation. I just keep trying to remind myself that I have a lot to offer and hopefully some day someone will notice.
popey Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Absolutely. Thats a well put together theory. And is usually the case, the way to test it is to remove yourself from the person and see how you feel after occupying yourself with something or someone else for a while. But, he has told me he feels the same way about me.....he's just a little emotionally challenged and doesn't really trust woman. Be careful. I had a very similar situation once. Turned out that was using the "emotional scars" as an excuse to be able to not behave like a committed man, b/c he couldn't committ. He already had. He would tell me that he "loved" me, but was scared, and kinda screwed up, and if I felt the same for him, I"d be supportive, and give him the time and space he needed.
plainoldjared Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Yeah, I know it will help. I was actually supposed to move in december, but I moved it ahead to seperate myself from this situation. I just keep trying to remind myself that I have a lot to offer and hopefully some day someone will notice. Deep breathe, youre doing the right thing. Its killer thought, huh. Oh and be warned, I think people will say and do anything to keep a situation going that they are pleased with. If he starts acting weird, aloof, defensive whatever it is just keep your cool and listen closely.
Author Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 I know. I read people really well, and like the night before last, he was really upset when me moving was mentioned. He didn't say anything, but I could see it in his eyes. He tells me a lot that he doesn't want me to go. But that kind of makes me want to go more. To prove to him that I'm not his puppet and will do things for myself despite what he wants sometimes. I want him to know that I am strong and that I will give only if I get back the same. If he moves to Tampa with me, then we'll see. But I'm going to be with my family and no emotional wreck is going to make me stay.
plainoldjared Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I know. I read people really well, and like the night before last, he was really upset when me moving was mentioned. He didn't say anything, but I could see it in his eyes. He tells me a lot that he doesn't want me to go. But that kind of makes me want to go more. To prove to him that I'm not his puppet and will do things for myself despite what he wants sometimes. I want him to know that I am strong and that I will give only if I get back the same. If he moves to Tampa with me, then we'll see. But I'm going to be with my family and no emotional wreck is going to make me stay. Thats what he needs to see, it'll be a wake up call for him when you make the move. This is totally the right move. When you say move with you, do you mean move into a space together or move into the same city? I hope its the latter...
Author Ali4134 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Thats what he needs to see, it'll be a wake up call for him when you make the move. This is totally the right move. When you say move with you, do you mean move into a space together or move into the same city? I hope its the latter... Yeah, definately same city.
peace_pipe Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 first, he is a bit of a whore. We have a lot in common. :laugh::laugh::laugh:
Author Ali4134 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 :laugh::laugh::laugh: Ok, you got me....I'm awhore...lol.
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