I'm sure this is a common topic...

[kissingchaos]

I know it is, because I've read it here before. I've been coming to this site for a while, to satisfy my own curiosity about certain things in my life. Well, let me explain why I'm here today.

 

First of all, I am a 25 (26 in Dec) year old woman. My husband and I have been married for 9 months and we've always had a fantastic relationship. I married him because he made me feel secure, confident and safe.

 

However, over the past few months I've found out that he looks at porn on the internet. Ok. Honestly? I don't want to care. I want to be confident enough with myself that I don't care WHO he looks at, because he wants me.

 

But I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I'm good enough.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I just had a baby 4 months ago. I lost ALL of the weight that I gained and I think I look damn good personally.

 

HOWEVER.....I feel like something isn't satisfying him. My husband is the most giving, sweetest, honest man I've ever met, and he's so gorgeous to me, that it breaks my heart.

 

I feel like upon discovering this, that he's hiding something. I told him that if he's into porn then it's FINE, I will try not to compare myself to those women. Actually I'd rather spoon my eyes out than have to look at what I don't have. It's the hiding and lying about it that really bothers me. (When I asked him he lied to me over and over again.)

 

It's tearing me up and I'm probably diving deeper into this mess than I need to.

 

My husband and I always have the best sex of my life, we are always doing new things, (toys etc) and every time we have sex it's something different and I'm SO into that and he tries to satisfy that too. I'm probably the more dominant one in our sexual relationship, which is why I don't understand his fascination with porn? Is he offended by the changes my body have gone through since pregnancy? Why can't we do it together? Am I too much for him? Am I intimidating him? What's going on?

 

I'm really developing a complex about our sex life. This is why. I have always had more drive than him, and I always feel like I'm begging him to have sex with me, we do it once a week. (Once a week? WTH?)

If he's got the drive to look at porn, why do I have to beg for sex????????

 

Does he like it when I beg? Or does he not want me? Every time I ask him, he tells me that I'm thinking too much and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything.

 

I just need someone to tell me why all of a sudden he's started doing this (which he's probably always done it, I just never knew) and do you think it's something I'm doing wrong? My only goal here is to please my husband and if I'm lacking or not performing the way I should, then I need to fix it.

 

Thanks

 

ETA**

 

A little history here; I've always battled my self esteem, it's an ongoing internal issue. My ex used to look at porn and make me stand in front of a mirror and point out my flaws and compare me to other women. This is why I left the jerk. It scarred me in some ways.

 

I always feel confident and sexy around men, I've never had a problem feeling that way. And when I met my Husband I had no problem feeling confident. Now that I've discovered the porn fascination, I'm starting to resurface all of my insecurities. GOD, I don't want to be this way! I don't want to resent my Husband for the crap I've been through in my PAST.

 

We've talked about it in depth and I feel like he doesn't hear me. Why does this make me feel awkward and insecure? I feel insufficient, and ugly when it comes to the man I love. It's ruining me, and I need to get over it.

 

Maybe I'm just overanalyzing.

-Sarah

[Cobra_X30]

I just need someone to tell me why all of a sudden he's started doing this (which he's probably always done it, I just never knew) and do you think it's something I'm doing wrong? My only goal here is to please my husband and if I'm lacking or not performing the way I should, then I need to fix it.

 

Ok,

 

Your correct, he has probably done this since before you met. Yes, it sounds like this is sort of demolishing his sex drive. Yes, he probably loves the fact that you initiate, because that makes him feel wanted.

 

Yes, he needs to get off his tush and fix this situation before it becomes a problem. I dont think he compares you to the girls in the porn the way you think. More than likely he is addicted to the fantasy involved.

 

Bottom line. It's affecting your marriage, He needs to take steps to fix this behavior. You can be supportive and demanding, but in the end He is the one who needs to take action.

[Triarge]

I think alot of women needlessly worry about men looking at porn. I dont think theres a man out there that can honestly say that he doesnt or wouldnt if he could get away with it.

 

For a man, porn is normally very visual without any sort of emotional attachment. Its a fix thats forgotten as soon as its over with. I would think that this is very normal and natural for most men. If it starts to become addictive though, there lies the problem of it stealing his drive away from your mutual sexlife.

 

I think a parners non-acceptance can actually make matters worse by driving it into secrecy and making it something thats 'out-of-bounds', 'elicit' and 'exciting' just because its naughty and not allowed.

 

Tell him you dont mind about the porn so long as it doesnt affect your needs. Offer to watch it with him. Make it all ok and it will loose alot of its appeal over the real thing

[norajane]

Has he always looked at porn, or is this new since the baby? I'm guessing he's always looked at it, and he's lying about it because he knows you don't like it and would rather avoid being questioned about it.

 

The 'real' problem, though, is that you are unhappy with your sex life. Focus on that with him, rather than the porn. If your sex life has diminished since the baby, maybe he now sees you as 'mother' and has a harder time seeing you as a sexual woman. Or maybe when he wants to get off, you have to do mom things, so he turns to the porn as a quick, easy way to get off...it could just be timing.

 

You need to sit him down and talk to him about what's happening with your sex life since the baby. Don't focus on the porn, but on what you are missing from him.

[kissingchaos]

Our sex life is amazing. Always has been. He always seems satisfied and never complains.

 

I don't know.

[PandorasBox]

I'm not sure what to really tell you. Maybe you could google the effects of porn and maybe let him read that. Might would let him know upfront how it could possibly affect the relationship if it were to get worse. However, if he is really into that or is possibly addicted it may not matter to him.

[michaelk]

However, over the past few months I've found out that he looks at porn on the internet. Ok. Honestly? I don't want to care. I want to be confident enough with myself that I don't care WHO he looks at, because he wants me.

 

I feel like upon discovering this, that he's hiding something. I told him that if he's into porn then it's FINE, I will try not to compare myself to those women. Actually I'd rather spoon my eyes out than have to look at what I don't have. It's the hiding and lying about it that really bothers me. (When I asked him he lied to me over and over again.)

 

As I've said many times on this forum, porn in and of itself isn't usually a problem. Chances are you don't have anything to worry about, because he's been looking at it all along. However, this doesn't mean that he's going to immediately be open and comfortable about it now that you've found out. More likely than not, he's always hidden his porn/masturbation, all the way back to puberty, and he may even feel a sense of shame regarding it. This is a product of the environments that many of us were raised in.

 

In light of this, you shouldn't expect him to open up about it right away, and you will have to keep letting him know that you're fine with it. Your actions will speak loudest here. If you say it's okay but act like you're upset by it, he'll continue to be secretive - understandably so.

 

My husband and I always have the best sex of my life, we are always doing new things, (toys etc) and every time we have sex it's something different and I'm SO into that and he tries to satisfy that too. I'm probably the more dominant one in our sexual relationship, which is why I don't understand his fascination with porn? Is he offended by the changes my body have gone through since pregnancy? Why can't we do it together? Am I too much for him? Am I intimidating him? What's going on?

 

I'm really developing a complex about our sex life. This is why. I have always had more drive than him, and I always feel like I'm begging him to have sex with me, we do it once a week. (Once a week? WTH?)

If he's got the drive to look at porn, why do I have to beg for sex????????

Everyone's sex drive is different. Doing it once a week isn't nearly enough for me, but it seems to be fine for others. And as long as he's breathing, he will have the 'drive to look at porn'. The question is how often is he masturbating to porn vs. having sex with you?

 

If you have sex once a week and he uses porn a couple of times a week, I wouldn't worry about it. If you have sex once a week and he uses porn daily (or more), it would seem he's not as 'into' your sex life as he could be. The reasons for this could be many, and it's up to you to figure out what they are. Possibilities include: he doesn't like your dominance, something physical about you bothers him, he views you as a mommy and therefore non-sexual, or he doesn't like the constant variety as much as you do.

 

A little history here; I've always battled my self esteem, it's an ongoing internal issue. My ex used to look at porn and make me stand in front of a mirror and point out my flaws and compare me to other women. This is why I left the jerk. It scarred me in some ways.

 

I always feel confident and sexy around men, I've never had a problem feeling that way. And when I met my Husband I had no problem feeling confident. Now that I've discovered the porn fascination, I'm starting to resurface all of my insecurities. GOD, I don't want to be this way! I don't want to resent my Husband for the crap I've been through in my PAST.

 

We've talked about it in depth and I feel like he doesn't hear me. Why does this make me feel awkward and insecure? I feel insufficient, and ugly when it comes to the man I love. It's ruining me, and I need to get over it.

Well, this certainly tangles the situation up a bit. Since we're looking at the situation through the eyes of your insecurity, it's difficult to know whether your H has issues with your sex life, or you feel that he does as a result of your self-esteem issues.

 

I can see that this will make the porn much harder for you to feel comfortable with, and thus for him as well. But you have to know that despite what your ass**** ex did, your H is not looking at pictures of other women and wishing you were them. He is engaging in a fantasy that we use to satisfy our desire for sexual diversity. I'm sure your H loves you and would never make the kinds of hurtful comparisons that your ex did.

 

You need to be confident in the fact that you are attractive and worthwhile - after all, he married you didn't he? Don't let what your ex did drive you crazy and ruin your current sex life. Be assured that you are okay, that the porn is not a reflection on you, and then deal with your lack of satisfaction (infrequent sex, having to initiate) with a clear head.

 

Communication is the key. Tell him what you're dissatisfied with, find out what he's dissatisfied with (if anything), and then work together on fixing it. And if you feel that he isn't hearing what you're saying, let him know just how upset you are about this. If it's important to you, you can't just let him brush it aside. He may get upset at having to deal with it (guys aren't always good at this sort of thing), but you both will have to face it at some point. The longer you wait, the harder it will get.

 

Best wishes!

 

MK

[norajane]

Our sex life is amazing. Always has been. He always seems satisfied and never complains.

 

I don't know.

 

I thought you said you weren't happy with your sex life:

 

I have always had more drive than him, and I always feel like I'm begging him to have sex with me, we do it once a week. (Once a week? WTH?)

If he's got the drive to look at porn, why do I have to beg for sex????????

 

Have you always had to beg, and has it always been once a week? If nothing has changed about this in the whole time you've been together, it's not the porn that is causing the issue. The issue was already there.

 

If this is a recent development and he used to be into having sex more than once a week, and you didn't have to ask for it, then yes, masturbation could be an alternative to having actual sex with you. NOTE: I said masturbation, not porn. He only uses the porn as a tool for masturbation. The porn is not the issue - it's why he would rather masturbate than have sex with you more often.

[kissingchaos]

Jesus. What I meant was that when we DO have sex, it's always great.

 

Forgive me for having alot on my mind. I'm not so sharp today.

 

Nevermind this whole thing. It's so hard for everyone else to understand what's happening without being here firsthand. I don't know why I assumed there would be open ears and open minds.

 

-S

[JackJack]

Jesus. What I meant was that when we DO have sex, it's always great.

 

Forgive me for having alot on my mind. I'm not so sharp today.

 

Nevermind this whole thing. It's so hard for everyone else to understand what's happening without being here firsthand. I don't know why I assumed there would be open ears and open minds.

 

-S

 

Excuse me? I read through the replies, and I'm not sure what kinds of answers you were expecting or looking for. Some gave you good advice.

[popey]

Jesus. What I meant was that when we DO have sex, it's always great.

 

Forgive me for having alot on my mind. I'm not so sharp today.

 

Nevermind this whole thing. It's so hard for everyone else to understand what's happening without being here firsthand. I don't know why I assumed there would be open ears and open minds.

 

-S

 

I honestly don't see what is written here that would evoke this remark. I think folks are thinking openly and sincerely, and have been offering some reasonable input. Don't know what you were expecting.

[Kenyth]

You know, give her a break here. She's not being unreasonable at all. She's not sayig the porn is "cheating" or anything else unreasonable. She's saying she doesn't like it and that there's really no excuse for it. That does look to be the case. She's also saying that she is sexually unfulfilled. I'd say she has good reason to be miffed! The porn is affecting his sex life, so I'd say he needs to clean up his act a bit. Most married guys would would jump at the chance to have sex three or more times a week with variety and wouldn't give the porn a second thought.

[PandorasBox]

You know, give her a break here. She's not being unreasonable at all. She's not sayig the porn is "cheating" or anything else unreasonable. She's saying she doesn't like it and that there's really no excuse for it. That does look to be the case. She's also saying that she is sexually unfulfilled. I'd say she has good reason to be miffed! The porn is affecting his sex life, so I'd say he needs to clean up his act a bit. Most married guys would would jump at the chance to have sex three or more times a week with variety and wouldn't give the porn a second thought.

 

 

No one is disputing the fact that she needs to be "miffed." She feels frustrated and porn is not helping. She was given advice on thiings to do or try. No one can help how she might respond to that. Personally, I don't see what it was that people said that bothered her.

 

If she could come back and point out what upset her in the post, that might help.

[kissingchaos]

Let me clarify.

 

I didn't mean to snap, but I'm having a hard time coping. My apologies.

 

So, my problem is this...

 

I'm willing to do and try ANYTHING my Husband wants. I have thrown ideas out there and he's too reserved to try anything a little risque. I take sexy pictures for him on a weekly basis. I buy new toys, he always says he loves watching me us them on myself and using them on me. He's always satisfied with our sex. But the frequency is lacking. He only wants to do it certain times and certain days. There really isn't any spontaneaity. It's starting to feel kind of sterile and 'planned'. I like the up against the wall, rip my clothes off, breathe in my ear kind of sex. He does too, but only on occassion.

 

So, my problem is....why is it that he's fantasizing about other women, when I'm here and willing any moment, any day, any time? I've always been a sexual person, and he's always known that. Aside from our hangups on sex, our marriage is perfect. I wouldn't be bothered by porn at all if he would do it with ME. But he won't. He's embarrassed that he's turned on by it.

 

I'm not embarrassed by anything, he's seen every single inch of my body, yet now I'm starting to feel awkward and I've noticed subconsciously I'm covering up my breasts when we're having sex. They're nowhere near as large as the women he's looking at.

 

I've developed a complex about my body, when I've always been comfortable. It's deteriorating my self esteem and it's ruining my attraction for him.

 

What gives him the right to have wandering eyes? But I'm supposed to be 100% faithful? Seems quite selfish to me.

[PandorasBox]

Let me clarify.

 

I didn't mean to snap, but I'm having a hard time coping. My apologies.

 

So, my problem is this...

 

I'm willing to do and try ANYTHING my Husband wants. I have thrown ideas out there and he's too reserved to try anything a little risque. I take sexy pictures for him on a weekly basis. I buy new toys, he always says he loves watching me us them on myself and using them on me. He's always satisfied with our sex. But the frequency is lacking. He only wants to do it certain times and certain days. There really isn't any spontaneaity. It's starting to feel kind of sterile and 'planned'. I like the up against the wall, rip my clothes off, breathe in my ear kind of sex. He does too, but only on occassion.

 

So, my problem is....why is it that he's fantasizing about other women, when I'm here and willing any moment, any day, any time? I've always been a sexual person, and he's always known that. Aside from our hangups on sex, our marriage is perfect. I wouldn't be bothered by porn at all if he would do it with ME. But he won't. He's embarrassed that he's turned on by it.

 

I'm not embarrassed by anything, he's seen every single inch of my body, yet now I'm starting to feel awkward and I've noticed subconsciously I'm covering up my breasts when we're having sex. They're nowhere near as large as the women he's looking at.

 

I've developed a complex about my body, when I've always been comfortable. It's deteriorating my self esteem and it's ruining my attraction for him.

 

What gives him the right to have wandering eyes? But I'm supposed to be 100% faithful? Seems quite selfish to me.

 

First off, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I honestly do not know waht to tell you. I don't think the porn is about you really. That is as far as why he looks at it. I'm sure that is hard for you to beleive at this point.

 

However, I do feel that porn is such a big topic and has been for so long, and it can and has destroyed relationships, especially when two people are not on the same page about it. The only thing I know of, is what I had suggested earlier, and google the effects of porn. Maybe if he saw and read about it and sees how you feel on the matter, it would help him see things more clearly. Hopefully others might have some more suggestions as well.

[Ladyjane14]

I've developed a complex about my body, when I've always been comfortable. It's deteriorating my self esteem and it's ruining my attraction for him.

 

What gives him the right to have wandering eyes? But I'm supposed to be 100% faithful? Seems quite selfish to me.

 

You know what I've noticed over the years? .... that women don't have the corner on the market when it comes to insecurities. Pound for pound, it's soooooo much easier to f*ck with a man's mind than it is a woman's, especially when it comes to being insecure. One or two well aimed barbs about the size of his wienie or the way he uses it and he's a trembling pile of male anxiety.

 

Women process emotional data faster, and when we 'go for the jugular' in emotional terms, you can bet your ass we hit what we shoot at.

 

The difference though is that we commonly DON'T do it. Not speaking for every woman of course, but for the most of us, we have an awareness of what is going to cause the MOST damage, and we refrain from going there.

 

The point isn't that porn is nasty or whatever... it's that the OP seems to be genuinely hurt by her husband's frequent use of it coupled with his lack of attentiveness. His behavior is damaging the relationship. In this, he's kind of taken a circuitous route for her "jugular", whether he fully understands it or not.

 

Frankly, this is the stuff of which EA's are made.

You let some other guy come along and bolster her flagging self-esteem, treat her like she's special, show some care for her feelings... and she'll be gracing our infidelity forum next thing.

 

NO ONE should be forced to tolerate pornography in their life or in their home if they don't want to, or... if it's causing marital problems. Porn isn't a genuine need. And for any who believe it is, then I'd encourage those ones to get some help pronto.

 

My best advice to you, Kiss... is sit him down and hash this thing out. Take off the kid gloves if you have to, but be insistent on addressing the issue. When your choice becomes a matter of confronting conflict or harboring resentment, the healthier choice is to face the conflict. People can kiss and make up after a spat, but built-up resentments are marriage-killers.

 

If you'll type into your browser the words, "policy of joint agreement, marriagebuilders", you'll find an article describing a nifty method of hammering out something that'll be fair to both of you. Maybe you can print out a copy, share it with him, then.. get back to the drawing board and work on it until you've both agreed with the results.

[annieo]

I think another aspect of this is that it is coming on the heels of the birth of a baby. You've changed (become a mother, he's a father), so the status quo is upset.

I do know what you mean about feeling (sometimes) insecure about my body, but you must know, deep down, that this isn't about how you look (for him).

This post prompted me to ask mt husband how often he whacks off with the computer. I asked him to be brutally honest, and I also admitted that I have done it on occassion (which is true, maybe once every month or two, when I have some privacy and the mood strikes). He said it varies: sometimes every day for a couple of days, then nothing for a couple of weeks. I can live with that, and I can especially live with it because he's being honest with me. I think sneaking around, about anything sexual, is the most damaging thing.

I think this sort of behavior is very common in men, and not so uncommon in women as some might think.

[Mr. Lucky]

But the frequency is lacking. He only wants to do it certain times and certain days. There really isn't any spontaneaity. It's starting to feel kind of sterile and 'planned'.

 

Finally, the real issue. It's interesting what a straw man porn can be. This thread for example:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132833/

 

It's entitled "Porn Question" and yet the marital issues seem to be more greatly impacted by the fact that the OP is having an affair with the MM next door !!!

 

So kissingchaos, my question for you is this: If your marital sex was still lacking in frequency and spontinaeity, but your H was NOT looking at porn, would you be happier? Case closed? Problem solved?

 

Mr. Lucky

[michaelk]

So, my problem is....why is it that he's fantasizing about other women, when I'm here and willing any moment, any day, any time?

 

No matter how hot you are, he'll be fantasizing about other women from time to time. The question you need to be asking is whether he fantasizes about you, and if not why not?

 

What gives him the right to have wandering eyes? But I'm supposed to be 100% faithful? Seems quite selfish to me.

Whoa! Be careful here. You cannot equate his looking at other women, whether on the street or as a masturbatory stimulus, with being unfaithful. I defy you to find a man who's eyes don't 'wander' over the women he sees. Even if it isn't porn, it'll be some half-dressed actress on screen or a model in a Victoria's Secret catalog. This is not a constructive line of thinking.

 

I wouldn't be bothered by porn at all if he would do it with ME. But he won't. He's embarrassed that he's turned on by it.

This confirms my earlier comments about how he might be ashamed of masturbating to porn. You need to be understanding and non-confrontational. He may eventually become comfortable enough to do it with you (I still feel funny sometimes doing it with my wife), but it will take work to get there.

 

But the frequency is lacking. He only wants to do it certain times and certain days. There really isn't any spontaneaity. It's starting to feel kind of sterile and 'planned'. I like the up against the wall, rip my clothes off, breathe in my ear kind of sex. He does too, but only on occassion.

If he doesn't want to do it very often, and he doesn't seem passionate or spontaneous about it, then there's something lacking in it for him. Refer to my earlier post. And if you're the initiator with the high sex drive and you're losing your attraction for him, this is serious and needs to be dealt with now. Find a way to talk to him and get to the root of his feelings. Without that, we can only speculate on how to solve your problem.

[smartgirl]

It is hard to tell from your posts what might be going on with you H specifically, but I'll tell you about some interesting recent studies and other reading I've done that might play a part here.

 

There are indicators of increasing lowered sex drive among relatively young men. There are some indications that the evolving sexual dynamic between men and women might be the source. Namely, the more sexually aggressive women become, the more disinterested men become. Some are motivated by the feeling of the hunt and lose interested when they feel compelled to perform to a female's expectations.

 

I know that will inflame a lot of people because, taken out of context that way, it sounds awful. But I wonder if there isn't something to it. I've been with my H, dating or married for over 30 years and I know when my libido has been highest and I want it all the time he almost shuts down. When I've been uptight because of work or whatever and my libido starts shutting down and he has to really work to initiate with me it seems like he wants it every night. I happen to know that my H generally responds poorly when he feels expected to do something, so this kind of makes sense to me.

 

I've read other things from men whose wives wants sex frequently and though they are thrilled at first, after awhile they grow weary of the constant expectations and would really rather have it be more pushing on their part.

 

It might be something to discuss with him if he is self aware enough.

[annieo]

"Whoa! Be careful here. You cannot equate his looking at other women, whether on the street or as a masturbatory stimulus, with being unfaithful. I defy you to find a man who's eyes don't 'wander' over the women he sees. Even if it isn't porn, it'll be some half-dressed actress on screen or a model in a Victoria's Secret catalog. This is not a constructive line of thinking."

 

I completely agree. Men look and hold onto your socks!!! women look, too. Looking is not doing. It means your alive and not blind. It only crosses the line for me if you follow up with chatting up talk, or are paying for a dance.

[popey]

So kissingchaos, my question for you is this: If your marital sex was still lacking in frequency and spontinaeity, but your H was NOT looking at porn, would you be happier?

 

also ask, if the sex was all as you would like, and he occasionally looked at porn, would the porn viewing still bother you?

[kissingchaos]

Finally, the real issue. It's interesting what a straw man porn can be. This thread for example:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132833/

 

It's entitled "Porn Question" and yet the marital issues seem to be more greatly impacted by the fact that the OP is having an affair with the MM next door !!!

 

So kissingchaos, my question for you is this: If your marital sex was still lacking in frequency and spontinaeity, but your H was NOT looking at porn, would you be happier? Case closed? Problem solved?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually, NO. I wouldn't be happier. I feel like it's a responsibilty on both parts to put in equal effort.

[kissingchaos]

also ask, if the sex was all as you would like, and he occasionally looked at porn, would the porn viewing still bother you?

 

Only if it was secretive.

[Mr. Lucky]

Actually, NO. I wouldn't be happier. I feel like it's a responsibilty on both parts to put in equal effort.

Then I think you have a bigger issue than whether or not you and your H agree on porn. Was the timing of this related to your pregnancy or any other event in your relationship? Have you always been the "initiator"?

 

Mr. Lucky