lexi29 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Ex left me three weeks ago, dating someone else already, in NC for a week. I went to see a counselor yesterday, saw a different one last week. First time in counseling so I wasn't sure what to expect. When I made both appointments I was in week #1 after the breakup. I was crying, emotionally a wreck, couldn't eat or sleep. Now i"m doing better (crying is maybe twice a week now except when I have dreams about him, then I'm depressed the entire next day) but I still need someone to talk to, to work thru this. My friends (as great as they are- are in a different place in their lives, mostly happy places (just got married, just moved in with SO, just had a kid etc) so they have had enough of my sob story. Posting on here has really helped though and I want to thank everyone who had a kind word, shared their experiences and pain, or offered advice. you've all been a lifesaver. The counselors have not been what I've expected. I basically just wanted someone to talk to, to tell my story, to get my pain and frustration out. Who better than someone who is paid to listen?? The first woman, I saw last week. She let me tell my story and she kept telling me "you have a good head on your shoulders, you should realize you are so much better off without him" She kept putting my ex down and saying why would I want to be with a guy like that and that I'm LUCKY he left me. I got really angry because I didn't want to hear that. After crying uncontrollably for a week, not being able to eat, tortured in my sleep by dreams of him, waking up to the bleak reality that my life has totally changed, having panic attacks, being flooded with memories of our good times and missing him like crazy etc I do not feel "lucky". She just didnt' seem to understand why I wasn't rejoicing the loss of this "loser". The counselor I saw today was nice. She kept getting lost though. I would tell her the story (together 3 yrs he has a son etc) and it was like she wasn't even listening!! She asked if I was sleeping ok and I told her yes but I hated to sleep because almost every night I dream about him and his son or him and HER and I wake up and am miserable and haunted the rest of the day. She kept saying everyone needs 8 hrs of sleep and if lack of sleep is interfering with work I need to see my doctor about sleeping pills. I kept trying to tell her I have NO Problem falling asleep or staying asleep, I'm just bothered by these dreams. She would then say I should take benadryl or something to help me fall asleep. I don't know if its because I'm in sucky mood but it just frustrated me (and normally I'm a very reserved polite person) and I just wanted to yell at her!! This was my first meeting with her and I told her it had only been three weeks since he left me and she started talking about "is there anyone who is interested in dating you or you think would date you?" Why would there be anyone interested in dating me? I'm an emotional mess!! And i've been in a relationship the last 3 years why would I have any prospects in mind? I told her I'm not ready to date yet and she said it would make me feel better. She suggested taking classes or joining a gym. Great ideas if I had any energy!! I'm not ready to meet new people yet, I'm introverted anyway so meeting new people is a challenge and one I"m not ready for. I mean I feel very down on myself right now and beat up and don't need anyone else rejecting me at the moment. I didn't really go to the counselor looking for advice or for them to put down my ex to try to make me feel better (it doesn't make me feel better because I picked him, I dated him, I spent three years of my life with him, I loved him and we had great times together. I know he's not the person I thought he was but it doesn't help to hear someone saying what a loser he is etc because that makes me feel bad that I dated someone like that, like I have horrible judgement) I just wanted someone to listen to me vent. Isnt' that what counselors are supposed to do?? Any experiences? Has anyone been to see a counselor? Did they have any good advice? Did it help?
Sanslatete Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 It all depends what kind of counsellor you go to see really. A person-centred one is probably what you need if you just want to talk and not be given any 'advice'. Humanistic counselling, (Rogerian) is long-term and involves just talking about your problems. The counsellor doesn't offer any solutions, they just listen and try to encourage you to find your own. If it's a quick fix you're looking for, Cognital Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is probably what you need, it's very short (usually between 6-12 weeks) but involves 'homework' tasks. Hope this helps?
sedgwick Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I did DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy, longer version of CBT) and it helped me TREMENDOUSLY! But before I found it I saw several sucky counselors. You'll know when it's right. Don't hesitate to try a few; it's okay to interview them!
Double D Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I did CBT like a week after my break up and it helped loads. Like what others said it just a matter of getting the right one and once you do im sure it will help.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Unfortunately, there are a lot of duds out there. When I chose a therapist, I picked one who specialized in grief counseling. She knows the stages and the steps, knows how holidays/anniversaries, etc. may affect me, and can offer encouragement so that I feel more "normal" about where I am in my process. She also doesn't let me beat myself up and encourages me to go through my own personal healing process as I need to. Please keep trying. A good therapist can be so very invaluable. I think one could especially help in your case. Good luck and keep us posted.
Curious139 Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I have a good counsellor so they do exist. Try another. An effective counsellor is one who listens, picks up on key words, repeats them back to you and asks you to explore what you mean. A counsellor shouldn't criticise you or your ex unless you need support to recognise the ex was bad for you. A good counsellor will allow you to vent, encourage you to cry, be angry, laugh, whatever. Their job is to guide you to release your deeper emotions and beliefs - things you aren't even aware of. The value of a counsellor is that they are non-judgemental and there for you but don't have any other agenda. Friends and relatives can't be as objective. CBT etc works well for many people although I'm more inclined to psychodynamic therapy which is a type of psychoanalysis.
Darkzen Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 A good counselor will be honest with you... although, being honest isn't usually a good practice with paying customers. This is why many counselors suck. Any counselor that offers advice or berates the object of your problem(s) is a fool. They have to be objective and try to understand the situation to the best of their ability. Otherwise you're just paying for a "yes man". Someone to offer you emotional support, that you've paid for. The truth hurts everyone, it's why very few people are honest with others (let alone themselves). People need to see their problems in order to fix them, yet most make excuses so that they don't have to. I don't fully know your story, nor do I want to know it. You have issues, just like we all do... you can't fix what other people do, but you can make strides to correct your deficiencies. Counselors are there to listen to you, to give you an outlet for contemplation. Not to offer advice or tell you that you're right/wrong. They are there to ask questions, in an attempt to lead you on a path of self-discovery... to allow you to see things from other perspectives (or at least somewhat objective ones).
Author lexi29 Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 ok so I went to see the first counselor a 2nd time and she was a lot better, didn't give advice just listened. She practices CBT theory for cases like mine. One thing that affected me is she kept saying I had a lot to offer someone new, that I had good qualities etc and that made me cry. Just made it hurt worse that he didn't want me. Very weird. The "funny" thing is she asked me what would I do if my ex called and wanted to get back together. I told her there is no way that will happen (well maybe years from now) because he has a new girlfriend and they've only been dating three weeks and they have a lot in common- both have kids etc and they are in the honeymoon stage of dating so he probably never misses me. She told me well just think about it and be prepared. Well that evening after i saw the counselor my ex called me! He said he misses me, doesn't really think its going to last with the new girl. Said she is happy but he isn't. He siad he isn't what he expected and doesn't really enjoy being with her. he said he misses talking to me, misses the sex. He told me he missed me at the end of the call too. Well this morning his girlfriend called me and left me threatening messages. I called him and he said he broke up with her today. He said again that he really misses me and asked me to go trick or treating with him and his son next week. he just texted me and asked me if I have feelings for anyone else. I asked him if he misses me and he texted "hell yeah". I don't know what to do. Its the dreams I've been having turned into reality but I"m scared. I don't know whether to ignore him and run for my life or give in and make all this pain go away. I'm also afraid he and her will make up and I'll get hurt again.
k10k Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Hey Lexi, I think you should maybe give it some time and really think about it - Make sure that this is what YOU want, and take things slowly. He has really hurt you and I think that what he has done to you is awful.. if you really do want him back, you need to be 100% sure that he understands how much he hurt you, is truly sorry, and that he won't do this to you again.
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