MattyTee Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Hello everyone, I've been posting around for a little while. I'll summarise here as much as possible (any questions please feel free to ask). I was together with my ex for nearly 8 years (engaged for the last year and a half). We met online and out of the 8 years have spent maybe 3 living together, the rest was long distance. Oh and she is also younger than I am. She broke up with me 2 and a half months ago - we'd been arguing a lot and both had issues with depression. If I'm honest I had reached a point with very low self-esteem and a lot of issues coming up from childhood (really I should have been going to counseling). It actually took the break-up to shake me awake and realise that I should be doing something to help myself. I had been quite jealous and therefore controlling / manipulative of her and I realise that must have been very hard. I kept light contact with her for a few weeks and then went fully NC about 4 weeks ago. I found the light contact wasn't letting me move on and it seemed unfair on her for me to still want more. I did talk to her before we went NC and explained that I wanted to be her friend but needed time to heal. She let me know that if things changed then perhaps we could work things out - but she also said she might date other people. Obviously as I'm posting here I want to try again with her. We really loved each other and had a lot going for us. I'm not ready yet, even if she asked, to get back together - I am still in therapy and I need to give that time. I genuinely believe that we had a good core relationship which was made more difficult than it should have been by our individual circumstances. I guess I'm just looking for advice on whether I should start light contact with her again and try and be friends?
niceguy27 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 ONly if you have indifferent feelings for her. Its been 2 months for me and my ex and there is NO way I could be friends with her. I still want her. I always will. If you've been out on dates and done an honest effort at moving on and bettering things and you still want to see her...I say do it. If you feel confident enough that you can stand up and keep things yourself composed why not? Call her and catch up a bit then ask her to go out for a coffee or something. Keep it short and sweet (the meeting) and a week or so later call her again and do something else. Fun, new, exciting dates. Dont bring up stuff from the past. Remember...Your a new person now. Past is the past. Good luck
Author MattyTee Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Hey Niceguy! Well I'd be plainly lying if I said my feelings are indifferent to her. I've changed a lot over the past few months but I'm not interested in dating - I don't need it (or find it appealing) as a method to get over her. I feel as you say in your post, that I will always want to be with her. I'm going to be stubborn here and say that just isn't going to change. I've been through 2 months of therapy, self-help books, exercise and activities - and I'm a better person for it, but my heart hasn't moved a bit. As for the confidence, I'm just not sure I have it yet - not if I get in contact only to find she has someone new already. Unfortunately we're long-distance (like 5000 miles) so I'm not able to afford the coffee idea (we're talking like £600 for a coffee date). So any contact has to really be through email. I had a panic attack today because I found out that she had met a guy on a dating site and they were hanging out. It wasn't until a little later on that I found out the guy has a girlfriend and they were both just looking for friends. It made me feel a bit better. I am however worried that this is what's sparked me wanting to get back into contact. I guess I know the answer to that one ... Bah, why does it have to be so hard!
niceguy27 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 That makes it a lot tougher. Having a face to face conveys the nonverbal messages that will show an improvement in self confidence. Maybe wait until you have business/travel plans to talk to her. Gives you a little more time to get ready. As far as a "Hey how are you" email or call, nothing wrong with that. Just pick up the phone one day and call her. Dont plan it, just do it on the spot. Good luck!
Author MattyTee Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Yeah, it's not easy. Damned stupid world! Ah well, thanks for the pep niceguy I'd always had in the back of my mind that I wouldn't contact her before Christmas. That would give her a decent bit of space and would allow me to move on enough that I could cope with the fact she might have someone else by then (I'm still pretty angry that she's been able to move on so quick - or that she's ready). I'll give it some more thought, perhaps I'm not ready.
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