shadowplay Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 This doesn't happen so much in real life, but often when I'm having a conversation on im I'll blurt out something that I know is self-destructive because I'm less inhibited over the internet. Then for days after I'll kick myself for what I said. I'll try desperately to damage control, but that seems to only backfire. Tonight I was talking to my boyfriend online and impulsively asked him something I later regretted. I asked him about his ex girlfriend. I asked him what attracted him to her and worse, if she was pretty. He said "Yes, she was." But then he went on a little rant about all the things that irritated him about her. Finally he said "Can we change the subject, please?" I apologized for asking him and he responded "No, it's ok...I just felt bad about going on a diatribe about her even though there were some things I liked about her." After that I sensed the tension of another person's ghost between us. I felt terrible for bringing her up and just wanted to say to him "I love you and I don't know why I asked you that." Yet I knew saying that would only prolong the topic and make things worse. Is it possible to damage control in such a situation? And why do I keep doing things like this? I'm reluctant to admit this on here because I know I'll probably get scolded, but I have a lot of trouble with jealousy. As luck would have it all the other guys I've dated had no serious girlfriends before me. So this is the first time I've dealt with an ex. I've seen her myspace page, and she seems like the kind of person I'd dislike in real life: self absorbed, vain, attention seeking, loud and bitchy. Her personality comes through in her pictures/profile and fits exactly with the description he's give me. I can't stand the thought of them together, and of course I have a vivid mental picture of it because I know exactly what she looks like. I'd rather that she were a sweet person...somebody I liked. But it bothers me to no end that she seems so undeserving of him. Is it bizarre to be jealous of someone in his past even if she has no presence in his future? I keep wondering how he thinks I compare to her, if he loves me more, etc, etc. It's a sickening train of thought. Also, when he says bad things about her, I think to myself "what traits of mine is he filing away to rant about later if/when we break up some day?" He mentioned that despite her being pretty she had really bad teeth (they were grey). My immediate thought was what physical flaws of mine has he picked up on and not told me about? What is wrong with me? Why do I torture myself like this and how do I overcome these destructive thoughts?
shadowofman Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 This is a tough one! For once I feel like I don't have the answers.
compassion42 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 He's with YOU now and chances are, her flaws are only emphasizing the great qualities that you have. I think you should feel good about the fact that he was able to see her true colors and broke up with her. He probably was so critical of her because he didn't know what else to say when you asked that surprising question.
oppath Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 There is nothing wrong with asking that question. It's normal in relationships to ask about past relationships, their significance, and the reasons for the breakup. It's part of getting to know someone. What you don't want to do is to CONTINUE talking about it. You asked a harmless question, and once he revealed his history, he decided "it's time to change the topic." The ghost you mention: you most likely asked him to reveal a painful part of his life, so it was a bit uncomfortable.
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Shadow, I have to know why you would even look at her MySpace page. I know you have insecutrity issues that run deep, and I'm sorry for that. But seeking things out that will give you more to think about is just destructive. What did you hope to accomplish by doing that?
Star Gazer Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 ....she seems so undeserving of him. And she isn't, otherwise she'd still be with him, regardless of who broke up with who.
Kamille Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 dear dear dear. I understand. I just saw a picture of the guy i'm dating's ex and my mouth nearly dropped - she was so gorgeous. Positively sex-kitten. And, she broke up with him. And now I feel like googling her - but like Krytie said, it wouldn't bring me much. Or would it?? I agree that the question was normal, but I think the reason that you feel so flumoxed about it is that you are looking for some kind of certainty in your relationship. Perhaps you can't believe that he finds you so unique as to want to be with you and only you. And so, when you ask about his past, what you are really asking is for reassurance that his love for you is truly unique. Now I for one believe that all love is unique and what matters most is how you go about establishing a healthy relationship. In your case, I would say that you need to learn to be able to not rely on him so much to dispell your own feelings of insecurity. Tell yourself that it is ok to be jealous, that it is ok to feel insecure sometimes but that there isn't much he can do to dispell those feelings. When those doubts gnaw at you, sit down, take a deep breath and remind yourself that those feelings will pass. Let them go. Also, focus on the things he says and does that show he does care for you. He choses to be with you and he loves you. You will just have to decide to believe him and decide to trust him. And believe that you do deserve his love.
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Ladies, pictures show only one side. Beautiful only goes so far, no matter who dumped who. Like I have said before, my ex-wife was very beautiful woman. The most beautiful of anyone I have ever dated. That doesn't mean there wasn't a time that I couldn't picture her and become literally nauseous. There is so much more to someone than looks. Yes, even for many men.
Star Gazer Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I'm stealing Tan's comment from another thread about worrying about cheating, which is still somewhat applicable to your fears: "You could get on a plane tomorrow, crash, and die. You can't prevent it if that's what's going to happen and if you waste all your energy worrying about the turbulence you'll be too distracted to enjoy the view of the clouds." Profound. Really. Think about it, Shadow.
oppath Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 It doesn't sound like you are worrying about him cheating; it sounds like you are worried about "how could he love me if he loved another?" Again, it is perfectly normal for you to ask him about past relationships and some details of the breakup. It is normal to ask those things once a relationship develops. You don't want to do it too soon (other than maybe asking when was your last relationship), but it is a normal thing to ask. Don't worry about it. Skeletons didn't come out of the closet. We all have pasts. He hasn't given you any reason to believe the past is impacting the present.
jcster Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 It's easier said than done, but it's a matter of not comparing yourself to other people. We all do it, but as you can see, it causes a lot of pain and insecurity. Your guy is with YOU now, and you will have to trust that he sees many things in you that he enjoys. Put that other person out of your head, she has no bearing on the present or the future.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 As luck would have it all the other guys I've dated had no serious girlfriends before me. So this is the first time I've dealt with an ex. I don't know if I'd call you "lucky" so much as "lacking experience." Just wait until you get older and everyone has a past!
Author shadowplay Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Thanks for the advice everyone. I like that quote by tanbark you posted, Stargazer. This topic isn't about cheating but it a fear of mine. I mean how can you ever completely trust someone? I read so many stories on hear about men cheating on their girlfriends and lying through their teeth about it...it's scary. I guess it's a fear I just have to learn to live with and ignore unless there's legit evidence.
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