Art_Critic Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I think a degrading letter will affect his self esteem. Narcissists have a very fragile self esteem from what I've come to understand. A degrading letter would affect just about anybody's self esteem Narcissist or not.. A degrading letter says more about the person who wrote it than the person who receives it. Why write a letter to justify how you feel ?.. Why give the other person that power over you ?
Author uniqueone Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Yes and no. They do justify a lot to themselves but if you know their weaknesses well enough, you can get through. Keep your facts straight. Exactly! This is what I've learned about them as well.
Author uniqueone Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 A degrading letter would affect just about anybody's self esteem Narcissist or not.. A degrading letter says more about the person who wrote it than the person who receives it. Why write a letter to justify how you feel ?.. Why give the other person that power over you ? I don't see how it gives them power over me. I also don't see how it says anything bad about me. It says that I'm sticking up for myself, Art. It says that I'm telling the person that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And is the letter I propose writing really degrading....or is it just factual?
blueberry sundae Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I don't see how it gives them power over me. I also don't see how it says anything bad about me. It says that I'm sticking up for myself, Art. It says that I'm telling the person that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And is the letter I propose writing really degrading....or is it just factual? It is not factual because if you write a letter stating "You treated me like crap," that is your opinion. Plus, you have already written him "nice" emails and have received no response. You can safely take this as an implicit request to not contact him any further. If you write him a letter, email or whatever, especially one that is negative and criticizing him, that is pretty much harrassing him. He doesn't want contact. Respect that. Listen to Art.
blueberry sundae Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 He might not even open the envelope, if he sees it is from you from the return address. He probably blocked your email a while back.
ktkingster Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 the simplest reason not to send it: take it from someone who has written a letter and never sent it ... a year later when u go back and read that letter i promise you that you will be SOOOO glad it is still only in your possession ----- i know u dont think so now .. but u also probably dont think u'll ever get over this right now .. u will
ninjaturtles Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I am going to give you my opinion. In the past, i have sent different types of letters to different exes. Sometimes ago, I sent a letter...it was not a degreading letter but it was sorta telling him that theyway he treated me was not nice fair etc...(we were not officially over, but we were sort of over). He never replied....about 5 months later, when i just let go and lived my life, he wanted to talk about everything. I then asked him..'why did you not reply me then'? His response was that he was busy and was not in the mood to hear all that etc'...Basically his reponse was that he really could not be botherd to reply cos he did not want to hear all of that then. I thought to myself..'how selfish, but he had a point'...I then asked him why he wants to talk now.(although at this point, I was not interested in talking to him anymore)..He then said the time and space apart was probably the reason. More recently, I sent a letter to an ex after we split..I sent it about 2 weeks after the split..there was NC prior to this. In the email...I highlighted the good times, I mentioned a few of the 'problems we had', and said that i wondered what really went wrong..what was so bad that led us to that point', was it someone else??...(note that these 'problems' were minor arguments sometimes...thats all!), i told him that i longed for closure sometimes, but now i had faced reality and was going moving on, i acknowleged the good things he did for me in the relationship and fun times, i did not for once try to make him look bad even though i felt like....It was just an email letting my feelings out.... The reason i sent this email was NOT to get back as i stated in the email that I would never ask someone to take me back..etc, the email was to remind him about the good times and the fact that i did not know what went wrong etc....I felt i needed to do it.... He replied via text..I did not reply him though......his reply seemed a bit sensitive..like the reason why he did not contact me after the split was because he thought it would be harder for both of us to move on etc, he also mentioned that the memories were very nice etc. He asked me if i understtod why he behaved that way after the breakup(very cold)... I did not reply this text cos as i mentioned earlier, the purpose of the email was simply to get these thoughts across to him. I did not expect a reply to be honest cos i ended the email in a way that didnt ask for one... Even though this guy wronged me in many ways, I ensured i did not send him an email criticising him..I didnt want to give him a reason to justify his breaking up with me...these people know they have wronged you...sending them messages criticising them, may anger/irritate them..They may not understand your reasoning, they may not see things the way you see it..on the OTHER HAND, he may see where he done wrong and feel bad..(but this depends on how you word the email..dont make it vicious/angry/vulgar).... Still, in all honesty, I would advice you not to send a letter talking about the way he mistreated you. At this point, he may not even care..he may think you are bugging him as you he did not even reply your previous messages. I know how to feels to be treated in such a badway., how it feels to want to make someone understand the hurtful way he treated you...but another thing i know is that humans can be very selfish...he may not agree with the letter..he may not see things the way you want him to....the letter may not have any positive impact whatsoever..... Having said that, its your choice, so if you really really want him to know what he did wrong etc, then you can send it...... In my opinion though, if you sent him nice messages and he did not reply, sending him this one sounds like a bad idea.. Instead it would be better to just take the rest of your dignity and walk away....He is out of your life anyway, he prolly doesnt care much anymore..I would just leave him alone..but then do what you really want to do.xxxxx
Author uniqueone Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 It is not factual because if you write a letter stating "You treated me like crap," that is your opinion. Plus, you have already written him "nice" emails and have received no response. You can safely take this as an implicit request to not contact him any further. No, I wouldn't put anything subjective, such as "you treated me like crap." Just the facts.
Author uniqueone Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 the simplest reason not to send it: take it from someone who has written a letter and never sent it ... a year later when u go back and read that letter i promise you that you will be SOOOO glad it is still only in your possession ----- i know u dont think so now .. but u also probably dont think u'll ever get over this right now .. u will I've sent them before and I'm glad I did and they had good results too. In fact, they respected me more for doing so.
Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 YOU want to send the letter to regain CONTROL. However, it will have the opposite effect.
Author uniqueone Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I am going to give you my opinion. In the past, i have sent different types of letters to different exes. I know how to feels to be treated in such a badway., how it feels to want to make someone understand the hurtful way he treated you...but another thing i know is that humans can be very selfish...he may not agree with the letter..he may not see things the way you want him to....the letter may not have any positive impact whatsoever..... Having said that, its your choice, so if you really really want him to know what he did wrong etc, then you can send it...... In my opinion though, if you sent him nice messages and he did not reply, sending him this one sounds like a bad idea.. Instead it would be better to just take the rest of your dignity and walk away....He is out of your life anyway, he prolly doesnt care much anymore..I would just leave him alone..but then do what you really want to do.xxxxx Thanks Ninjaturtles...that was a very helpful post...thanks for taking the time to write that. I like posts like yours. First, I will only list the facts in the letter. He can't deny them. For instance, my saying how he acted the first day I got there..going through the drive through and not asking if I wanted anything, making me feel like i was there to fix his computer, later offering me a frozen dinner or a PBJ sandwich. (keep in mind, this guy makes six figures) When I tell him this, it WILL bother him. It won't bother him because he cares about me (because he doesn't). It will bother him because of how he perceives himself. It ruins his image he has of himself. Same with the other stuff I'd say. It's all factual. None subjective. As far as the poster who said it would be harrassment. He wouldnt give me my things back. I have a right to them and I've asked for them and gotten no response as to whether or not he even had them. If a person stays at someone's house and returns and is missing some things and the other person is the one who packed their suitcase, then I think that person has a right to ask where some missing things are. A lot of you have dealt with basically nice people in your breakups and you're thinking of him in those terms. I don't think that this was a basically nice person who just had a bad day one day. He's a narcissist....a textbook cerebral one, in fact. I don't know if narcissists are truly bad or not but I do know how cold they can be. Chances are, a letter like mine will affect a narcissist at least at first. He'll then have to go out and find people to puff his image back up again till it no longer affects him. But he'll need more puffing up than he did before.
underpants Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Unique, You can send it or not. I was involved in an email and (him visiting me) exchange for almost a year after the official break up. It is futile to try to communicate with a narcissist. It really is. The bigger question is why invite that flavor of crazy back into your life? There are just too many mind hatches that they go through to avoid accountability. Even if you lay it out for them. Selective memory, twisting your words around so that you are the (insert deflective adjective here). Suggesting that perhaps your feelings stem from something outside of their actions. My personal favorite is total delusional unaccountabilty and magical thinking. *shakes head* What is this stuff that he has of yours? Is is that important? My ex has stuff of mine (and one thing of my Dad's). I asked on 3 seperate occasions for a return since he is so "honorable". He offered and never followed through. He can keep it (consolation prizes), I hope every time he sees those things it reminds him of everything I called him on the carpet for and for which he could not directly reply to. You know what though. He doesn't. He probably looks at those items as trophies and smiles and somehow compartmentalizes it into a fond memory. He is now onto a whole other ex girlfriend. I believe this is the 3rd ex after dating me (one is married). He plays several against the other and revels in the eye of his contrived drama. His merry go round definately goes backwards. He is basically just an empty and sad old man. I would say don't send it. I am afraid if yours is any where near as difficult as the dude I dated then there will not be any resolution. Good luck either way.
Author uniqueone Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Unique, You can send it or not. I was involved in an email and (him visiting me) exchange for almost a year after the official break up. It is futile to try to communicate with a narcissist. It really is. The bigger question is why invite that flavor of crazy back into your life? I don't think it will bring him back. There are just too many mind hatches that they go through to avoid accountability. Even if you lay it out for them. Selective memory, twisting your words around so that you are the (insert deflective adjective here). Suggesting that perhaps your feelings stem from something outside of their actions. My personal favorite is total delusional unaccountabilty and magical thinking. *shakes head* You've got it down to a science! I've read and read and read and I think I've read everything there is out there on N's at this point. You definately know your stuff about them. What is this stuff that he has of yours? Is is that important? My ex has stuff of mine (and one thing of my Dad's). I asked on 3 seperate occasions for a return since he is so "honorable". He offered and never followed through. He can keep it (consolation prizes), I hope every time he sees those things it reminds him of everything I called him on the carpet for and for which he could not directly reply to. My point was that she said it was harrassment and if I've never gotten an answer about my things, then it's really not. I mean, if that poster wants to go that far and get technical about making charges against people, then I could charge him for stealing (or something similar). I'm definately not going to go there. My point was that I don't want someone saying that I'm gong to be accused of harrassment when I have valid charges myself. See what I'm saying? You know what though. He doesn't. He probably looks at those items as trophies and smiles and somehow compartmentalizes it into a fond memory. He is now onto a whole other ex girlfriend. I believe this is the 3rd ex after dating me (one is married). He plays several against the other and revels in the eye of his contrived drama. His merry go round definately goes backwards. Mine can't have one at a time. The more the merrier. He's open about it though...however, he made me feel as if I was special and he could commit to me. But really it wasn't even the romance part at all. It was the friendship. We were never lovey dovey and not even all that flirty. I don't know if he was with the others (it didn't seem like he was cut out for it). It was really the friendship bond that her tore that really hurt me a lot.
underpants Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Unique, I can't comment on one poster's view versus your opinion. What I can ask you is why you value a friendship with someone who has such disregard for your feelings and/or how his actions hurt you? Personally, I can't look up to someone who looks down on me. (darn, I should have included that line in one of my response letters.) My ex (obviously now I see) can't have one person either. He rotates and keeps each on some sort of emotional string with no regard for their partners or in some cases husbands. I consider myself lucky to have gotten away. (I am the only ex he has not gotten back...and he was so smug to think he could) Different cases are different but when you boil it down. Look at his character, his core. Is that someone you really want in your life as a friend even? You really can do better then that. We all can.
dropdeadlegs Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Unique, I can't comment on one poster's view versus your opinion. What I can ask you is why you value a friendship with someone who has such disregard for your feelings and/or how his actions hurt you? Personally, I can't look up to someone who looks down on me. (darn, I should have included that line in one of my response letters.) My ex (obviously now I see) can't have one person either. He rotates and keeps each on some sort of emotional string with no regard for their partners or in some cases husbands. I consider myself lucky to have gotten away. (I am the only ex he has not gotten back...and he was so smug to think he could) Different cases are different but when you boil it down. Look at his character, his core. Is that someone you really want in your life as a friend even? You really can do better then that. We all can. uniqueone, I think I have already questioned the need for friendship with this man, but felt that needed to be revisited. underpants has made some valid points in this area of discussion. I have little to say about narcissism, but they are very tough nuts to crack (pun intended.) Think about the time and effort it would take to make an impact, if impact is even possible. No offense, dear, but you are likely beating against a brick wall. I'm all for letters, but some are better left "unmailed." Letters are cathartic to write, but be careful of the expense versus the worth.
Author uniqueone Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Unique, I can't comment on one poster's view versus your opinion. What I can ask you is why you value a friendship with someone who has such disregard for your feelings and/or how his actions hurt you? Personally, I can't look up to someone who looks down on me. (darn, I should have included that line in one of my response letters.) My ex (obviously now I see) can't have one person either. He rotates and keeps each on some sort of emotional string with no regard for their partners or in some cases husbands. I consider myself lucky to have gotten away. (I am the only ex he has not gotten back...and he was so smug to think he could) Different cases are different but when you boil it down. Look at his character, his core. Is that someone you really want in your life as a friend even? You really can do better then that. We all can. The thing is, most of the time he was great. So how do you overlook THAT?
Author uniqueone Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 uniqueone, I think I have already questioned the need for friendship with this man, but felt that needed to be revisited. underpants has made some valid points in this area of discussion. I have little to say about narcissism, but they are very tough nuts to crack (pun intended.) Think about the time and effort it would take to make an impact, if impact is even possible. No offense, dear, but you are likely beating against a brick wall. I'm all for letters, but some are better left "unmailed." Letters are cathartic to write, but be careful of the expense versus the worth. Could you explain this a little more, DDL?
dropdeadlegs Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Could you explain this a little more, DDL? Based on the assumption that this man is a true narcissist, I don't think that anything you could say that would intend to negate his self worth would actually "hit home." If you can accept no response whatsoever, send the letter only in the event you will feel "purged." The fact that he was "great" most of the time is still not erasing the not so great times you have posted. Yes, it's much easier to see that when on the outside looking in.
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