Why Not Send The Letter?

[uniqueone]

I don't want advice on this....I already have an opinion on it. I'm just curious about what others answers might be.....

 

When people go through a breakup or something and want to contact the person, the advice given is to write their ex a letter but DON'T send it to them. I'd like to hear explanations on why not to send it.

 

Here's what I think....I think people give that advice because they've heard it given before and it's become a cliche' with no good reason behind it.

 

I also think that people don't send it because for some reason we associate silence with virtue. We think of silence as being more noble and as having more dignity.

 

I think that people don't send it because of they're afraid of how they might look to the other person.

 

Well....to ME anyway......silence isn't virtue and doesn't show dignity. And who really cares how you look to the other person (the ex) anyway? Either they'll like it or they won't and that really isn't any different than they way things were before you sent it, right? In other words, it can't hurt.

 

I think that the BIGGEST reason people say not to send it is due to our puritanical views that silence equals virtue. Where's that silence gotten ya, so far, I ask?

 

In recent relationships, I've written letters....AND sent them. And you know what? The world didn't explode. And sometimes I got results too. I'm friends today with an ex because of it. Had I just vanished silently, we wouldn't be friends right now.

 

Think about it....what is communicating going to hurt? If you don't try, you'll NEVER know. You'll NEVER know what could have happened.

 

And if you DO try, what's the worst that could happen?

 

 

I might write my ex a letter telling him all of the stuff that he did to me. In fact, I've had it written for awhile. I might send it. What is there to lose? Give me one good SOLID reason.

 

....and not the reason of "moving on" .

 

First of all, you can send the letter AND move on just as easily as you can not send the letter and move on. No difference in moving on there.

 

Secondly, moving on is a PROCESS. It doesn't happen instantly. Relationships are dynamic so "moving on" is not like turning a light switch off.

 

And finally...if the person really treated you badly...why not make them face it?

[reboot]

Sending the letter gives them power. It lets them know you're thinking about them. If you're thinking about them, you care about them. I think that's the rationale anyway.

[dropdeadlegs]

I tend to think more like you do. I write letters. Sometimes I send them and sometimes I don't. Each is written with intent to send, but I always make myself wait a day to be sure I really mean what I've written. there have been times when my emotions ran high momentarily, whether that be from anger, pain, or loneliness. raw emotions need to be tethered by a day for me.

 

At no time has the world exploded.

 

As for results, I have encountered both positive and nothingness. Still, I do not regret a single letter that has been sent.

 

If you have been sitting on one for awhile, I say send it. I'm not all that interested in power or virtue when it comes to how I feel about someone. When I make an ass of myself, I accept that I have done so, and rarely regret it.

[uniqueone]

Sending the letter gives them power. It lets them know you're thinking about them. If you're thinking about them, you care about them. I think that's the rationale anyway.

 

 

 

I see what you're saying....and that has a point in some situations. I guess the part that bothers me is how people apply this rule to ALL situations--even when they don't know all the details of that person's situation.

 

In MY case, I've already sent him letters --- only they were "nice"....so he thinks I think of him nicely and that he did nothing wrong.

So, I guess in MY situation, he already knows that I'm thinking about him anyway, so it doesn't matter.

 

But I DO know that what I'd say in the letter I want to send would be a big blow to his self esteem. And that just might ruin his confidence with all the ladies he has. Bummer.

[Trialbyfire]

If you're sending the letter with a tiny hope of reconciliation, don't do it. As referenced by reboot, there's the above reason and, you stand a very good chance of no response.

 

If you can handle this, by all means, do it. Sometimes venting on the source of your displeasure can be quite therapeutic.

[oppath]

Here's why: because you don't just want to tell him off. Deep down, you want some kind of response.

 

You want him to know how much he hurt you and why so that you are VISIBLE. Essentially, you want your feelings of hurt to be validated. You want him to feel bad, and hopefully, say "I'm sorry. I take responsibiilty." I don't doubt for a second, knowing your story, that you aren't hoping he takes responsibility and acknowledges your feelings.

 

That is why you don't send letters. It has nothing to do with power. You don't send them unless you are cool not getting the response you seek.

 

I sent my ex a letter or two too, and I got no response. It killed me. I so desperately wanted her to validate my feelings. I wanted her to understand how and why she hurt me, and for her to say "I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to treat you that way." I was imploring her to give that so I could heal. I wanted her acknowledgement and for her to validate how and why she hurt me.

 

This IS what you want.

 

I ask you: are you really prepared for no response? Are you prepared for an angry response? If you don't get the response you are looking for, will you really be ok?

 

Sometimes people do need to be told off. **** power. It's not undignified to tell someone off even after the fact. But if you will be hurt if you don't get the exact response you desire, then it is best to stay silent.

[uniqueone]

I tend to think more like you do. I write letters. Sometimes I send them and sometimes I don't. Each is written with intent to send, but I always make myself wait a day to be sure I really mean what I've written. there have been times when my emotions ran high momentarily, whether that be from anger, pain, or loneliness. raw emotions need to be tethered by a day for me.

 

At no time has the world exploded.

 

As for results, I have encountered both positive and nothingness. Still, I do not regret a single letter that has been sent.

 

If you have been sitting on one for awhile, I say send it. I'm not all that interested in power or virtue when it comes to how I feel about someone. When I make an ass of myself, I accept that I have done so, and rarely regret it.

 

 

Amen to that!!! I with you 100%

 

As for the letter where I point out what he's done....I've written that a couple of times so far. The reason I haven't sent it is because I still wanted the chance of being friends with him again. I guess it's stupid of me to want to be friends with someone who (1) told me what I did for a living wasn't impressive enough to him, (2) after I travelled thousands of miles to see him, bought something to eat for himself and didn't offer me anything and then asked me if I'd fix his computer for him (3) while we were vacationing together, he abandoned me in a hotel room at midnight, because I got upset that he was emailing other women on his laptop after I'd come thousands of miles to see him. Well...those are just a few of the highlights anyway....... Problem is, there were a lot of good times that made me want to be friends still.

 

I've hesitated writing this one putting into print what he did. He's a narcissist (almost a textbook one) and he won't like what I tell him he did.

 

Maybe it's mean of me to want to ruin his confidence (Mr. Playboy with all the women) but I don't care.

 

I know one comment that would really do it. He's in a very prominent profession---a specialty. He lives in a remote area. He's the only person in his area that does the type of work he can do. In other words, if people want what he does, they HAVE to go to him.

Yes he's successful. But he's also a monopoly.

He basically called ME unsuccessful (this was well before it ended)

 

I would point out in my letter how if I were the only one in my field in his remote area, I TOO would be a success and how easy it is to be a success when you're a monopoly. And how it's different for those who try to make it in the REAL world.

 

Yeah...Mr. successful rich guy might not be feeling so full of himself after that.....

[uniqueone]

If you're sending the letter with a tiny hope of reconciliation, don't do it. As referenced by reboot, there's the above reason and, you stand a very good chance of no response.

 

If you can handle this, by all means, do it. Sometimes venting on the source of your displeasure can be quite therapeutic.

 

I guess the way I look at it is, being nice hasn't gotten me any reconciliation so why not do this? Either it will get his attention or it'll knock him down.

[uniqueone]

Here's why: because you don't just want to tell him off. Deep down, you want some kind of response.

 

You want him to know how much he hurt you and why so that you are VISIBLE. Essentially, you want your feelings of hurt to be validated. You want him to feel bad, and hopefully, say "I'm sorry. I take responsibiilty." I don't doubt for a second, knowing your story, that you aren't hoping he takes responsibility and acknowledges your feelings.

 

That is why you don't send letters. It has nothing to do with power. You don't send them unless you are cool not getting the response you seek.

 

I sent my ex a letter or two too, and I got no response. It killed me. I so desperately wanted her to validate my feelings. I wanted her to understand how and why she hurt me, and for her to say "I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to treat you that way." I was imploring her to give that so I could heal. I wanted her acknowledgement and for her to validate how and why she hurt me.

 

This IS what you want.

 

I ask you: are you really prepared for no response? Are you prepared for an angry response? If you don't get the response you are looking for, will you really be ok?

 

Sometimes people do need to be told off. **** power. It's not undignified to tell someone off even after the fact. But if you will be hurt if you don't get the exact response you desire, then it is best to stay silent.

 

 

Truth be told I have sent him a few emails in the past month or so and got no response. Of course I was very nice, blah, blah, blah.....

 

I wasn't talking about relationship (I did say I missed his friendship though). I didn't ask any questions about getting back together. It was pretty light and friendly. I did put a few things in there about how I hoped he didn't take a few things I said (at the end) the wrong way. (once again, *I* was taking the blame for things....WRONG of me, I know......it's wrong because I didn't say anything bad to him but I was worried that HE took it the wrong way because HE was so ULTRA sensitive about everything (a true narcissist). But I kept things upbeat and friendly.

 

I pretty much didn't expect a response. I guess I thought...well at least he's reading it and maybe it will eventually kick in and I'll hear from him at some point.

 

I sort of put the bad things he did on the backburner. I didn't want to think about them because, if I wanted to be friends with him again, I couldnt' deal with that stuff.

[oppath]

I would point out in my letter how if I were the only one in my field in his remote area, I TOO would be a success and how easy it is to be a success when you're a monopoly. And how it's different for those who try to make it in the REAL world.

 

Yeah...Mr. successful rich guy might not be feeling so full of himself after that.....

He's not going to give a rat's ass about that.

 

Wouldn't you be better off saying: "it really hurt me that you insinuated I was too unsuccessful for you, and I ask that you put yourself in my position: how would you feel if you were to travel long distance for a woman you were really hopeful about, but she was emailing other dates in your presence? I felt incredibly disrespected that you basically abandoned me because I was upset about that. It bothers me. I feel that behavior is wrong and I didn't deserve to be treated that way."

 

The time to knock him down with harsh words would have been SHORTLY AFTER THIS HAPPENED. Focus on how you actually felt. You felt disrespected. You felt angry. You felt taken advantage of and deceived. You don't need to say anything other than that.

 

My ex was probably cheating on me with her ex. I still want to contact him and tell him about me, to get my revenge because he proposed to her when he sniffed she was dating someone new (ummm, we dated 6 months!), but if I were to say anything to her, I would leave it short: "I felt USED, OBJECTIFIED, DENIGRATED, DISRESPECTED, INVISIBLE, BETRAYED, and that our relationship was FRAUDULENT." I'd say little more than that. Acting out those emotions won't make the picture clear. It would only make me psycho and she'd not validate them and say "I understand, it was wrong how I treated you."

 

You're not going to hurt this guy. If he was capable of doing what he did, he's not going to be hurt by it.

[oppath]

and the fact that you tried to be nice, and he didn't respond, so now you want to be mean, that PROVES you are depending on him giving you a certain kind of reaction for you to heal.

[dropdeadlegs]

Amen to that!!! I with you 100%

 

As for the letter where I point out what he's done....I've written that a couple of times so far. The reason I haven't sent it is because I still wanted the chance of being friends with him again. I guess it's stupid of me to want to be friends with someone who (1) told me what I did for a living wasn't impressive enough to him, (2) after I travelled thousands of miles to see him, bought something to eat for himself and didn't offer me anything and then asked me if I'd fix his computer for him (3) while we were vacationing together, he abandoned me in a hotel room at midnight, because I got upset that he was emailing other women on his laptop after I'd come thousands of miles to see him. Well...those are just a few of the highlights anyway....... Problem is, there were a lot of good times that made me want to be friends still.

 

I've hesitated writing this one putting into print what he did. He's a narcissist (almost a textbook one) and he won't like what I tell him he did.

 

Maybe it's mean of me to want to ruin his confidence (Mr. Playboy with all the women) but I don't care.

 

I know one comment that would really do it. He's in a very prominent profession---a specialty. He lives in a remote area. He's the only person in his area that does the type of work he can do. In other words, if people want what he does, they HAVE to go to him.

Yes he's successful. But he's also a monopoly.

He basically called ME unsuccessful (this was well before it ended)

 

I would point out in my letter how if I were the only one in my field in his remote area, I TOO would be a success and how easy it is to be a success when you're a monopoly. And how it's different for those who try to make it in the REAL world.

 

Yeah...Mr. successful rich guy might not be feeling so full of himself after that.....

Okay, I stand by my previous post, but I do wonder why you would want to be friends with a man who has treated you so. In this case I would definitely choose to be silent, because I think silence speaks much louder than any words can ever speak. I don't think that a degrading letter will affect him in any way. It's called indifference, and I acknowledge that it is hard to achieve, but also that it gives YOU the higher ground/better hand.

 

Still, if it would give you some kind of closure, I might send it.

[blueberry sundae]

Dear Ex,

You farted in my face and that was very disrespectful to me. Oh, and there was that little matter of the rape. That was pretty unpleasant. Just letting you know.

 

Love,

Uniqueone.

[dropdeadlegs]

Dear Ex,

You farted in my face and that was very disrespectful to me. Oh, and there was that little matter of the rape. That was pretty unpleasant. Just letting you know.

 

Love,

Uniqueone.

I think you have the wrong thread, bs, that reply belongs on spookie's thread

which is located at: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1375015#post1375015

And what does Krytie's opinion have to do with anything here?

 

Maybe you should start your own thread. (Oregon Blackberry)

[blueberry sundae]

Oh, Oops. actually though the details are different, the letter actually does make the same point in writing such a letter.

You think I'm trying to hide anything? Guess what? I'm not.

[shadowplay]

Send it. I always feel better when I do, even if I don't get the response I'm looking for.

[blueberry sundae]

Don't send it! Get a good therapist instead! You WON'T feel better. IT WILL ONLY CONFIRM, TO HIM, THAT HE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION TO DUMP YOU.

[madgun68]

When people go through a breakup or something and want to contact the person, the advice given is to write their ex a letter but DON'T send it to them. I'd like to hear explanations on why not to send it.

Most of the time, the response given is ego based. I.E. not giving the other person the satisfaction of knowing that the loss still impacts you in any way.

 

End of the day, however, I think sometimes we lose sight of the fact that what we're seeking (or giving) is just advice. Just because you seek it or give it, doesn't mean it needs to be followed. (Ever hear 'We told you what to do!'?)

 

I do think waiting to send a letter is a good idea. Think about what you're hoping to achieve and then about whether or not the letter will have the desired impact. It also gives the sender a chance to let their charged emotions subside.

 

Seek opinion. Weigh it against what you feel you want to do and set a course of action based on what you feel is best. If you were to base all your actions on the opinion of others, are you really living your own life?

[uniqueone]

He's not going to give a rat's ass about that.

 

Wouldn't you be better off saying: "it really hurt me that you insinuated I was too unsuccessful for you, and I ask that you put yourself in my position: how would you feel if you were to travel long distance for a woman you were really hopeful about, but she was emailing other dates in your presence? I felt incredibly disrespected that you basically abandoned me because I was upset about that. It bothers me. I feel that behavior is wrong and I didn't deserve to be treated that way."

 

The time to knock him down with harsh words would have been SHORTLY AFTER THIS HAPPENED. Focus on how you actually felt. You felt disrespected. You felt angry. You felt taken advantage of and deceived. You don't need to say anything other than that.

 

My ex was probably cheating on me with her ex. I still want to contact him and tell him about me, to get my revenge because he proposed to her when he sniffed she was dating someone new (ummm, we dated 6 months!), but if I were to say anything to her, I would leave it short: "I felt USED, OBJECTIFIED, DENIGRATED, DISRESPECTED, INVISIBLE, BETRAYED, and that our relationship was FRAUDULENT." I'd say little more than that. Acting out those emotions won't make the picture clear. It would only make me psycho and she'd not validate them and say "I understand, it was wrong how I treated you."

 

You're not going to hurt this guy. If he was capable of doing what he did, he's not going to be hurt by it.

 

 

What does the time difference make? I DO know it would hurt him because I'm saying stuff about him--that he's not really as much of a success he thinks he is. That has nothing to do with how he treated me. He might not care how he treated me but he WILL care about himself and his image.

 

I can't say "put yourself in my position" because narcissists are incapable of doing that.

[uniqueone]

Okay, I stand by my previous post, but I do wonder why you would want to be friends with a man who has treated you so. In this case I would definitely choose to be silent, because I think silence speaks much louder than any words can ever speak. I don't think that a degrading letter will affect him in any way. It's called indifference, and I acknowledge that it is hard to achieve, but also that it gives YOU the higher ground/better hand.

 

Still, if it would give you some kind of closure, I might send it.

 

 

 

I wanted to be friends because the majority of the time he treated me fine and because I clicked really well with him and I am not clicking with anyone else whatsoever.

 

I think a degrading letter will affect his self esteem. Narcissists have a very fragile self esteem from what I've come to understand.

[uniqueone]

Most of the time, the response given is ego based. I.E. not giving the other person the satisfaction of knowing that the loss still impacts you in any way.

 

In my particular case, I've already fed his ego quite a bit unfortunately and it didn't do any good.

 

So call me a b!tch, but now I'd like to crush it and maybe he won't be so confident to pick up all the women that he picks up.

 

After all, this is a guy who mentions how he has a great job, a great salary, lives in paradise and has women falling at his feet.

[reboot]

If he is really narcissistic, no letter is going to affect him. A narcissist is never going to believe anything bad about himself.

[Trialbyfire]

If he is really narcissistic, no letter is going to affect him. A narcissist is never going to believe anything bad about himself.

Yes and no. They do justify a lot to themselves but if you know their weaknesses well enough, you can get through. Keep your facts straight.

[reboot]

Yes and no. They do justify a lot to themselves but if you know their weaknesses well enough, you can get through. Keep your facts straight.

My opinion, not fact. I'm no psychologist.

[Trialbyfire]

My opinion, not fact. I'm no psychologist.

Oops, I just realized some of my text is ambiguous. You might have thought I meant for you to keep your facts straight but I actually intended that to mean for anyone, approaching a narcissist, to keep their facts straight.