Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Wow, spookie. I hope that you have learned from this experience. You do know it never should have gone beyond the first sexual encounter, right? You should have had him arrested.
blueberry sundae Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 You're not convincing anyone when you state that you have no desire to see him again. You weren't really ending anything because he had already ended it. I always think it is odd when people say "well, I'm breaking up with him/her" when they've already been dumped.
lino Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Man, now I feel like a psycho for just ending it instead of having a conversation first or putting a halt to behaviors I didn't like. But I shouldn't, right? I shouldn't want to be with someone that is capable of this kind of treatment. Right? You've always seemed reasonably level-headed to me from what I've read of your posts on here. No offense, but I can't believe you're even questioning yourself about this!! I read what you wrote about your bad situation with money & a moron like this guy isn't gonna help it at all. Surely you can meet someone much better. You were also feeling used by a room mate of yours before no? I think you're letting guys walk over you too easily & from the impression I get from you on these messageboards you shouldn't be letting that happen. IMO you should focus more on sorting your financial situation 1st and if you really do want a guy in your life you need to stick up for yourself. Best of luck
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I think i understand at least a bit what you're going through spookie. Except my guy just puts on an act like an ass. But the first time I slept with him there was no condom and I had no idea until I felt it and it was too late. Fortunatly he was clean. But I get why you didn't stop. you felt like it had already happened once and you desperatly wanted there to be something. So you let it go for then. You have the same problem I have sometimes, we just let things happen. We don't say yes, but we also don't say no. I'm trying myself to work on this, so good for you on taking action. I just have to figure out what I'm gonna do.
Author spookie Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 I guess my problem with myself in this situation is that first I failed to set up any boundaries with this guy and then I got upset when he crossed them. It's kind of like setting up one set of rules for a person and then, with no warning, changing them entirely so that they lose. Does that make sense? And I almost feel like, had I set the right rules up earlier, he wouldn't have broken them. This is really something I need to work on. I've made the same mistake many times with many different people, and it's like I don't learn. I seem to have this naive belief that drawing lines is unnecessary because the *right* people won't cross them if they care about you. And while I know several people ethical enough not to wrong others simply because they can, experience goes to show that many, many more will take as much as you give.
Ali4134 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 This is always true. However, you are right that if you find that right person you will be on the same level and those boundaries should fall into place pretty easily. Especially if the two of you get to know each other well enough, people will be able to sense. Not only that, but if they care about you they will ask about questionable things before just doing them.
norajane Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 you desperatly wanted there to be something. So you let it go for then. Spookie, this is what I see in almost all your posts about guys. You ignore your discontent, your misgivings, your unhappiness because you desperately want there to be something with the guy. Maybe you should back off guys until you figure out why you are ignoring your gut instincts which are warning you when something is wrong. You need to know and trust yourself before you can make good decisions about the men you let into your life and your body. I know you're in a rough place these days, and you need something/someone to make it better, but allowing yourself to get involved with loser guys just to have something/someone only makes it worse in the end. I'm glad you stopped this one in its tracks so quickly.
Kamille Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I guess my problem with myself in this situation is that first I failed to set up any boundaries with this guy and then I got upset when he crossed them. It's kind of like setting up one set of rules for a person and then, with no warning, changing them entirely so that they lose. Does that make sense? And I almost feel like, had I set the right rules up earlier, he wouldn't have broken them. . I disagree. When dating, you are dealing with mature adults, not school children. You are allowed to reflect on things, change your mind and bring up topics that disturb you once you realize they disturb you. You are allowed to say - you know what, you did this and it bothered me. Besides, it's not about winning or losing, it's about communicating and building relationships (be it friendship or love) where you feel safe and respected. That's what a few of us mean when we say good relationships are about standing up for yourself and self-respect. If a guy feels threatened because you express yourself, your needs and your boundaries, then run Spookie run. This is really something I need to work on. I've made the same mistake many times with many different people, and it's like I don't learn. I seem to have this naive belief that drawing lines is unnecessary because the *right* people won't cross them if they care about you. And while I know several people ethical enough not to wrong others simply because they can, experience goes to show that many, many more will take as much as you give I somewhat agree with this. As*holes will take as much as you give. That's why it's important to speak up and impose your boundaries because it is the best mechanism to weed out as*holes. They will flee or try to bring you down. Your cue to leave. I don't know it this makes sense to you, but I had a phase in my life when I thought that I had to win a man's respect. I now expect a man's respect. There's a huge difference between the two. The first one would put me in the position of always questionning myself. The second puts me in charge of how I chose to be treated and who I let into my life. edit: just want to add that perhaps what you need to realize is that there are some really great men out there... Mature, open-minded, caring, respectable and respectful men. you shouldn't let yourself get involved with any man who isn't one of them.
Author spookie Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 I don't know it this makes sense to you, but I had a phase in my life when I thought that I had to win a man's respect. I now expect a man's respect. There's a huge difference between the two. The first one would put me in the position of always questionning myself. The second puts me in charge of how I chose to be treated and who I let into my life. edit: just want to add that perhaps what you need to realize is that there are some really great men out there... Mature, open-minded, caring, respectable and respectful men. you shouldn't let yourself get involved with any man who isn't one of them. That makes perfect sense to me and I can see that that's a healthy outlook. Though I've never consciously thought about it, I guess I do feel that I need to "win" people's respect, and that does automatically place me in a situation where I'm constnatly doubting whether my actions AND inactions are worthy. I'm going to try to think your way. I know there are good men out there. I've met more than a few. Unforunatley, all the good ones I'm meeting are eitehr taken, don't mesh well with my perosnality, or have dated me already and not ahd it work out for one reason or another. But I know it's important to also keep in mind that love is valuable BECAUSE it is so rare. And that, therefore, it SHOULDN'T be easy to find a great guy to fall in love with. I have to have patience instead of thinking every ******* I meet can be my husband.
Author spookie Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Spookie, this is what I see in almost all your posts about guys. You ignore your discontent, your misgivings, your unhappiness because you desperately want there to be something with the guy. Maybe you should back off guys until you figure out why you are ignoring your gut instincts which are warning you when something is wrong. You need to know and trust yourself before you can make good decisions about the men you let into your life and your body. I know you're in a rough place these days, and you need something/someone to make it better, but allowing yourself to get involved with loser guys just to have something/someone only makes it worse in the end. I'm glad you stopped this one in its tracks so quickly. You have some very good points. When I'm not intoxicated with one man or another, all this is clear to me. Unfortunately the minute I meet someone new, all this good logic goes out the window and I'm ready to overlook all my misgivings once again. I'm going to back off the dating thing for now, though. I really am.
Author spookie Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Update: he called and left a voicemail, basically saying that he got my email and that he hopes I give him a chance to talk to me before writing him off. That he isn't mad and hopes we can "get past this" like mature adults. He asked me to call him back, if not to talk then to arrange a time when I can give him back some stuff of his that I have. I haven't called him back yet and to be honest I don't know that there is anything he can say that would make me feel better about some of the things he did. As I mentioned before, more than his actual actions, I was disturbed by his ability and willingness to perpetrate them. Quite frankly, there's a part of him that scares me. I think I'm going to text him back to come pick his things up when my roommates are home and I'm not.
Replicant Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Man, now I feel like a psycho for just ending it instead of having a conversation first or putting a halt to behaviors I didn't like. But I shouldn't, right? I shouldn't want to be with someone that is capable of this kind of treatment. Right? It sounds like this guy couldn't have cared less about you really. If anything it seems like he was trying his best to demoralize/abuse you and found the outcome funny. Nobody but you of course knows why you tolerated that, and only you know where to draw the line. To let it go on, means the possibility for it to continue and if not worsen. Hell if you wish to date some dude who park's his a$$ in your face and farts while you sleep let alone straight up rape. That's entirely your choice.....
reelwoman Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 spookie, I would mail him the stuff or give it to friend to give to him. There is no reason you should have to even talk to him. I'm glad you're not considering "giving him another chance," because this guy is a nightmare! And PS, some boundaries should go without saying....you shouldn't blame yourself for not telling someone that treating you like s*it is not OK. But norajane and others are right, you might want to take a break from guys and spend some time getting to know yourself and learning to trust your instinct to value yourself, instead of looking to others to give you value. No one can do that for you except you.
Author spookie Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 I called him back but kept it brief. "Hey" "Hey" "When do you want to come get your things?" "Not now, I'm busy, but we'll be done in like an hour and I'll give you a call then." "Ok" "Bye"
blueberry sundae Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Don't worry about his things. Is there really anything that expensive that he needs? Put it in a box, out of your way, and don't contact him again. Don't use the stuff as an excuse to call him again.
Author spookie Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Don't worry about his things. Is there really anything that expensive that he needs? Put it in a box, out of your way, and don't contact him again. Don't use the stuff as an excuse to call him again. I won't be calling him again, this was a courtesy call because he did ask me to call him back regarding the things several times in his voicemail. My ex ignored my requests for my things after we broke up and that pisssseeed me off. I wouldn't want to do the same to someone.
lino Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I won't be calling him again, this was a courtesy call because he did ask me to call him back regarding the things several times in his voicemail. My ex ignored my requests for my things after we broke up and that pisssseeed me off. I wouldn't want to do the same to someone. Why are you even giving this guy any attention? You don't wanna piss him off by ignoring him to give back his stuff because you feel it's bad? What about all the crap he did to you?!?!? Who cares about him & his feelings the guy treated you like sh*t! Put his crap in a plastic bag & leave it out of your property for him to worry about. If you've got a shirt of his wipe your a*s with it because he practically did the same with your face! Sorry if I sound harsh Spookie but you seem like someone with so much potential, who deserves a great guy & it frustrates the sh*t out of me to read that you're even dignifying his presence after how he treated you. You're still so young don't waste your time with low lifes when you should be doing so much better. Man now I'm 100% sure I made the right decision months ago to stop being a nice guy
Ali4134 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Thats true, but the reason she has so much potential is because she doesn't stoop to his level. Get yourself that closure spookie by getting his things out of your place. I agree with you though that he should come and get them and when the roommates, and not you, are hom. Good call.
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