Some real red flags

[spookie]

I know a lot of you think I fabricate my own reality in order not to deal with rejection or something, but here is why I ended it with A:

 

-Unprotected rape: this happened a couple of weeks ago, and I know it shouldn't have taken me this long to process it (guess I was smitten by his good qualities) but the first time we had sex, he had me pinned down to where I could not move, and though I was protesting he stuck it in without a condom, thrusted a few times with me still pinned down, and then pulled out to cum on my stomach. Rape is too strong a word to use for what happened (because we had been messing around and I was willingly naked and horny) but the incident left a bad taste in my mouth for several reasons. One, someone who genuinely cared about me wouldn't have done that, and two, if he's done it with me he's done it before and what kind of person has unprotected sex?

 

-I continued having sex with him after that. Every time, after we do it, he immediately rolls over and switches on the TV. If I request it, he'll cuddle, but I have to explicitly ask and he makes fun of me for asking.

 

-He is always demanding to know how I feel about him without volunteering any info regarding his own feelings. In the month-and-a-half that we've been seeing each other, there have been no romantic gestures on his part and maybe three things said to me about the fact that he likes me. On the other hand, he's said hundreds of abusive things jokingly.

 

-He always goes out of his way to fart in my face. Today, after we woke up and he farted, he told me that while I was asleep he rubbed his butt on my face and farted all over it. WTF.

 

-He says he still loves his ex, that she is his best friend, and he hasn't "ruled out" ending up with her.

 

Alright guys... don't judge me too harshly for not leaving earlier (as I mentioned before, he IS smart, funny, cute, charming, fun to be around, and I'm kinda crazy myself), but I'm done now. This is not someone I want or need in my life.

[reboot]

Uh. Rubbing his butt in your face and farting all over it is smart, funny, cute, and charming?

 

I think I have to agree with your statement "I'm kinda crazy myself".

 

Please do leave.

[oppath]

Unprotected rape: this happened a couple of weeks ago, and I know it shouldn't have taken me this long to process it (guess I was smitten by his good qualities) but the first time we had sex, he had me pinned down to where I could not move, and though I was protesting he stuck it in without a condom, thrusted a few times with me still pinned down, and then pulled out to cum on my stomach. Rape is too strong a word to use for what happened (because we had been messing around and I was willingly naked and horny) but the incident left a bad taste in my mouth for several reasons. One, someone who genuinely cared about me wouldn't have done that, and two, if he's done it with me he's done it before and what kind of person has unprotected sex?

No, that is rape. He should only be doing that if you are saying "yes, I want it."

 

Remove yourself from his life COMPLETELY!!!!!!!

[Timberlane]

What a disgusting creep.

 

Glad you are ending it.

[Trialbyfire]

What a complete pig. No woman deserves this kind of treatment. I would have filed charges.

[spookie]

No, that is rape. He should only be doing that if you are saying "yes, I want it."

 

Remove yourself from his life COMPLETELY!!!!!!!

 

Done. I'm not going to pick up his phone calls and I've just deleted him on facebook.

 

I know it's crazy that it took me 1.5 months to realize this is unacceptable, but now that I know it as more than just "gut feeling", I'm not going to make any kinds of bargains with myself or with him. Even if I "let" myself be treated this way by not always acting in a manner "deserving" of respect (ie going to hang out with him late nights), I think the fact that he was willing to do the things he's done says more about him than about me.

[oppath]

What a complete pig. No woman deserves this kind of treatment. I would have filed charges.

No PERSON deserves that kind of treatment. It is abhorrent.

 

I know it's crazy that it took me 1.5 months to realize this is unacceptable, but now that I know it as more than just "gut feeling", I'm not going to make any kinds of bargains with myself or with him. Even if I "let" myself be treated this way by not always acting in a manner "deserving" of respect (ie going to hang out with him late nights), I think the fact that he was willing to do the things he's done says more about him than about me.

Absolutely, but make sure you learn from this.

[Trialbyfire]

No PERSON deserves that kind of treatment. It is abhorrent.

I 100% agree.

[Ponzoli]

Spooky, you deserve so much better than this jerk! This man is an animal and needs to be stopped before he does this to someone else. Report this JERK to the proper authorities and be done with him!

[spookie]

I don't know if he was kidding about having rubbed his butt in my face while I was asleep. It could go either way but even if that was a "joke" it's disrespectful, not funny, not to mention that he's always trying to fart as close to my nose as possible and making me smell it.

 

At first I made allowances for this stuff because I realize some people have a weird sense of humor (I sure do, but it's nothing like this) and are into all kinds of kinky crap, but there's a line between kink and sociopathic behavior and I'm confident that he's crossed it.

[Ponzoli]

Spookie, he corssed that line a long time ago. Tell this LOSER to hit the bricks! You deserve SOOOO much better than this, and I have no doubt that a special lady like you will find her Prince Charming eventually. There was no excuse for his rubbing his butt in your face, or for farting on your face, let along raping you!

[Kamille]

I know you're asking us to be indulgent with you and I congratulate you for realizing he wasn't treating you right but what worries me is that you allowed him to treat you this way.

 

You're in college right? Is there much party and trying to figure out who you are going on? BTDT and here is what I wish someone had told me.

 

The sooner you learn how to respect yourself, the easier it will be to establish healthy relationships in your life.

 

You sound like someone very creative, very unconventional and very analytical also. But learn to trust what your gut feelings.are telling you. If someone does something you know isn't right, call them on it. Protect yourself (in all sense of the word). Don't accept their behavior on the basis of some higher ground or some allegiance to thinking differently.

[shadowplay]

Why didn't you mention any of this stuff in your other threads about him? Were you embarrassed to be with him despite all those red flags? I'm not trying to criticize you, just curious. You did the right thing, btw. You should have told us this earlier, though.

[spookie]

Why didn't you mention any of this stuff in your other threads about him? Were you embarrassed to be with him despite all those red flags? I'm not trying to criticize you, just curious. You did the right thing, btw. You should have told us this earlier, though.

 

I guess I knew that if I mentioned these things, no one on here would support me staying with that guy. Plus, it's embarassing.

 

I also really believed until today that even though the things he did *sounded* bad, once you interpreted them in the context of our quirky relationship, they became ok. But ya know... EVEN if that's the case, I don't want a relationship "quirky" in those kinds of ways.

 

It would be one thing if I was getting something positive out of it along with all the crap. But the only "positives" I can see is that he is somewhat accepting of my quirks (this is important to me, but I'm finding most people are), understands me, is good in bed (minus the rape... haha.), and a "good catch" until you realize how much of a sociopath he is. And even with all that weighed in, I'm not really getting anything out of being with him.

[Trialbyfire]

There are unusual relationships and dysfunctional interactions. He treated you like dirt. I'm glad you kicked him to the curb.

[dropdeadlegs]

Maybe I should have quoted Kamille since she said much of what I think.

 

You're going through a very rough time based on recent posts. Please don't keep this boy in your life. I chose the word boy because a man wouldn't do that to you.

[oppath]

Krytie, I'd like to hear your take on this. Is she being a bit too picky?

Please refrain from taking your beef with someone else onto an unrelated thread.

 

Spookie, quirks aside, he treated you poorly. I know you probably feel bad right now and I'm sorry for you. I do want you to examine the roll you had in this. I am not implying anything is your fault. I am saying, identify what the red flags were and how you ingored them, and what you are unwilling to accept next time. Also, in what ways did you behave that could have made him disrespect you, and even want to do so in his sociopathic way. I ask that you do that so you can identify what a healthy relationship is and how to avoid douchebags in the future.

[allina]

Done. I'm not going to pick up his phone calls and I've just deleted him on facebook.

 

I know it's crazy that it took me 1.5 months to realize this is unacceptable, but now that I know it as more than just "gut feeling", I'm not going to make any kinds of bargains with myself or with him. Even if I "let" myself be treated this way by not always acting in a manner "deserving" of respect (ie going to hang out with him late nights), I think the fact that he was willing to do the things he's done says more about him than about me.

 

I'm really proud of you for ending it with this creep. A lot of women stick around in unhealthy, abusive situations for years and years without getting the courage to leave, I'm glad you won't be one of them *hugs*

[spookie]

Man, now I feel like a psycho for just ending it instead of having a conversation first or putting a halt to behaviors I didn't like.

 

But I shouldn't, right? I shouldn't want to be with someone that is capable of this kind of treatment.

 

Right?

[shadowplay]

Man, now I feel like a psycho for just ending it instead of having a conversation first or putting a halt to behaviors I didn't like.

 

But I shouldn't, right? I shouldn't want to be with someone that is capable of this kind of treatment.

 

Right?

 

No, you shouldn't. What did you say to him and what was his response? Did you call him on the rape?

[daZed&confUsed005]

like you said i am thinking why the hell didn't you leave him before..he sounds like a jerk off..good thing you ended things with him now..like they say "better late than never." so you made the rite choice.

[spookie]

I sent him an email basically outlining everything I did in my original post. I know email is the cowardly way to go but he said himself last night that "we aren't in a relationship," so I thought it was ok, especially given how strong my resolve was not to see him again because of the reasons I stated earlier.

 

I mean, I know he isn't the right person for me. The right person, when he comes along, is going to be a lot more gentle with me, a lot more considerate. And maybe it's a self-centered way to think, but if I didn't end it tonight the way I did, I may not have ended it for a while, or I may have gotten sucked back in, and I KNOW this wasn't healthy for me. I know I need to learn how to look out for myself without hurting other people in the process, but #1 priority is still looking out for myself, so even if I handled that badly, I still did the right thing. (Right?)

 

Ok, I feel better now.

[spookie]

Oh, and he hasn't replied yet, though I'm guessing he's read the email (he checks email compulsively).

[Trialbyfire]

You gave him finality, which is more than he deserved. If nothing else, hopefully it helped you. If he responds, for the love of all that you hold dear, do not, I repeat do not, go back to this loser. He's a self-entitled little pig.

[dropdeadlegs]

"Self centered?" I say you need to be even more self centered in the future. More precisely, "self centered" is referred to as self respect, in your case.

 

Please make him gone.