byebyebeautiful Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Here i why i think my girlfriend of 6 months, who just told me she loved me (she says she has never said this to anyone before, is outright lying to me: -She will not let me meet her friends: She has said i am more than welcome to for over 2 months yet hasn't made any opportunities to do so available -The only friends of hers i have met aren't particularly close friends, one of them was a chance meeting, all three times she was a bit stand-offish -Even her close friends who are supposedly aware of my presence aren't at all interested in who she is seeing as long as she is happy. Who isn't nosey about who their friends are seeing? Her sister (who has just moved to the country) supposedly knows about my presence yet doesn't seem particularly interested in any details. Who isnt especially nosey about who their siblings are seeing? -When i am on the phone to her and she is in company she is always a bit stand-offish -She takes her ex to a party with uni friends in 5h train away despite the fact she said no guests were invited and even though she has always said she keeps her friends and private life seperate. -When i surprised her by going to her work she got uber upset and got me to wait inside the station when her ex gave her a lift from work because it wouldn't be appropriate for us to meet due to the fact he still had feelings for her and had just found out he was seriously ill. -She had a bag full of half logs type things and leaves for an art project and said they come from her ex’s garden despite the fact she said she had only just finished work and her ex had driven her straight to the station. She just happened to remember they were in his shed from the previous year and asked him to bring them.[ -Her ticket back was one way, if she had been at home where she said she was the night before why wouldn't she have got a return that morning? -She takes her ex out to meet a friend of hers he has not met before, is at two parties with him , said friend and her sister when she says she hasnt been out because she's tied down with work. She says when I confront her about the first time she knows more than one person called Dxxxxx yet I now know for a fact he is not another Dxxxxx; he's her ex. -She gets a message yesterday from the friend who hadnt met him until recently asking her too come out for drinks and "bring dxxxxx if he's in town" -She said him and her sister knew each other from school; she went to an all girls school -She has said her ex is still hung up on her and is single, despite the fact he has "in a relationship" on his MySpace pagewhich I found after a bit of digging. -She has deleted every single one of my messages on facebook (there have been alot) since we met and not appeared to delete anything else -She is completely unavailable at weekends due to work (where her ex happens to live) which seems to last from morning to night and never seems to pick up her phone on saturday nights. She gets the job at this place near her ex literally a week after she moves away from the area. -For the last few weeks has only been available for literally a couple of hours a week. Is anyone that busy (she is busy admittedly with her final year of uni which she is very dedicated to and is looking after her sister who has just moved to the contry) -She untags herself from the only photo of her and I on Facebook because she doesn't think it's a great photo of her ; it's not but she has left worse ones on there. -She refuses to add me to her reltionship bit on FB because it will "make people message her asking questions", yet says her friends aren't interested in who she sees as long as she is happy. -She has cheated on her ex once before but said it's the one thing in life she feels most ashamed of and would never do it again -She is reluctant for me to spent time at hers, one time the reason was that the internet men were apparently there (despite having told me earlier they were coming round to install it the following week), one time her landlord was due there to sort out a prob in the flat at that exact time and wouldn't appreciate my presence (i insisted that time, and only one of her flatmates was in – no mention of landlord. -She says she will call and doesn't - i might go a few days with nothing but a "hope you had a good night, i love you x" text. Ps we live within 35 mins of each other so this is not a long distance thing or anything like that. Doesn't look particularly great does it?
oppath Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 You feel INVISIBLE, don't you. Look, it doesn't matter if she is cheating or not physically. She does not make you visible. Clearly, she values her ex's feelings over yours. What defines for you, a healthy relationship? For me, a healthy relationship makes me feel VISIBLE. I feel like our relationship is a priority equal to friends, family, and career -- not greater -- but that I am present in her life and she wants me present in hers. A healthy relationship is one where I meet the important people in my gf's life, ex's included even if it is uncomfortable or awkward, because I want to meet the important people in my gf's life and she is welcome to meet the important people in mine. For me, a healthy relationship is one where if I'm not doing anything, I can say to my gf "I've never met your friends, you talk about them all the time. I'm not doing anything. Can I tag along" and the answer will be YES. A healthy relationship is one where my gf will take me around her friends, coworkers, and family with a big smile on her face and say "LOOK AT WHAT I GOT!!!!!!" She's keeping you invisible. She's keeping your feelings second to those of her ex, her friends, and other people. You aren't meeting the important people in her life. Yes, I believe she is cheating. At the very least, she is HIDING you. Why? To protect her ex's feelings because he would feel bad knowing she had moved on? NEXT!!! That's such horse crap her eyes must be brown. It doesn't matter if you've been exclusive for 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years, if you are exclusive, you treat your other person in such a way that makes them VISIBLE. I suggest you sit her down and tell her: this has gone on too long and I feel really hurt. I want to meet your friends, and if you are going to continue seeing your ex, I would like to meet him too. I feel disrespected and I feel invisible. I feel like I am not a priority. I want to meet the important people in your life because you are a big part of my life. And when she hems and haws, tell her "this isn't a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, I would have met your friends and I'd be more visible. This relationship is over. You aren't treating me with the respect I deserve." You need to be able to walk away from bad treatment. She is not treating you as you want to be treated. Grow some balls. Some brass balls. Whip them out and drop them on her. She won't be able to handle them. And the time she spends with her ex, even if they aren't F*CKING, is inappropriate. She is in a relationship with you. There is no reason for her to see him other than for work purposes unless you can meet him too. His feelings don't matter. You do. She is actively lying about you to him. Not sparing his feelings are a load of crap. If he is going to occupy a space in her life, your feelings come first. If they weren't in contact, it would be cruel to rub it in his face, but she does not treat you with the visibility that a healthy relationships has.
Author byebyebeautiful Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 She has said from day one availability would be an issue when she starts her last year of uni (her parents have paid alot of money for her to be there so she owes it to them as well as herself to do as well as she can). She has also said from day one that her private life and friends are things she keeps seperate as some kind of self defence mechanism - she has been hurt before. Do i sound like im making excuses for her? I'm going away with her this weekend for a mini break (will be the first time i have spent more than 3h at anyone time in her company for almost a month) so perhaps then will be the time to do/say something....
oppath Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 She has said from day one availability would be an issue when she starts her last year of uni (her parents have paid alot of money for her to be there so she owes it to them as well as herself to do as well as she can). She has also said from day one that her private life and friends are things she keeps seperate as some kind of self defence mechanism - she has been hurt before. Do i sound like im making excuses for her? I'm going away with her this weekend for a mini break (will be the first time i have spent more than 3h at anyone time in her company for almost a month) so perhaps then will be the time to do/say something.... yes, you are making excuses for her. She is not giving you what you want and need, and I can tell from your initial post, she is not treating your relationship in a way that you feel is healthy, which is why I asked "why is your idea of a healthy relationship?" I think this trip is a good thing. Ask her "why do you need to keep your romantic and social lives separate." Validate her reasons, but then say "while I understand, that really hurts me. I'm requesting that you involve me more. It's important to me, for our relationship to go forward, that you involve me more in that part of your life. I request that you do this for me." If she is unwilling to meet you halfway (if not more) towards your idea of a healthy relationship, you have a big problem. Seriously, don't you want someone who says "LOOK AT WHAT I GOT!!!" to everyone in her life? Tell her "I understand if you've been hurt before, but I want to be included in that part of your life." If she is unwilling, then yes, you are making excuses for her, and not very good ones. Her sharing that part of her life with you is something YOU NEED!!!! It doesn't matter why she neglects her needs. All you can do is express it to her "I request this because it is something I NEED." If she is unwilling to meet your needs, that is a big problem.
Author byebyebeautiful Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 yes, you are making excuses for her. She is not giving you what you want and need, and I can tell from your initial post, she is not treating your relationship in a way that you feel is healthy, which is why I asked "why is your idea of a healthy relationship?" I think this trip is a good thing. Ask her "why do you need to keep your romantic and social lives separate." Validate her reasons, but then say "while I understand, that really hurts me. I'm requesting that you involve me more. It's important to me, for our relationship to go forward, that you involve me more in that part of your life. I request that you do this for me." If she is unwilling to meet you halfway (if not more) towards your idea of a healthy relationship, you have a big problem. Seriously, don't you want someone who says "LOOK AT WHAT I GOT!!!" to everyone in her life? Tell her "I understand if you've been hurt before, but I want to be included in that part of your life." If she is unwilling, then yes, you are making excuses for her, and not very good ones. Her sharing that part of her life with you is something YOU NEED!!!! It doesn't matter why she neglects her needs. All you can do is express it to her "I request this because it is something I NEED." If she is unwilling to meet your needs, that is a big problem. She said her ex has recently been diagnosed with a serious disease (cancer). I encouraged her to be there for him (not to lie to me about it however). She has also said i can meet her sister as soon as her sister moves out of her room she is temporarily sharing with her until she finds her own place. I'm probably in denial here, i just wanted to believe that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything and that im paranoid. Perhaps im not.
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Sorry BBB, but I really don't think you are being paranoid. I can't imagine treating anyone that way, especially not someone I claimed to love.
nicki Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Really, her behavior looks like she is still seeing the ex. She is socializing with him. He sees her friends. He is on her facebook, too, right? She treats him like a boyfriend. She treats you like the guy she's having an affair with, not her primary man. Talk to her, lay out what you think a relationship looks like and how people act when they are in one. Refuse to be disrespected. That means don't agree to a lopsided relationship, or to one that makes you feel you aren't special. You've already received great advice. I don't have anything to add except to say listen to it.
tanbark813 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 It sounds like her "ex" isn't an ex at all. I'm guessing she moved away, is maintaining an LDR with her "ex" who is actually her current bf. You're just some guy on the side for when she feels lonely. She's probably cheating on both of you with the other.
tanbark813 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Really, her behavior looks like she is still seeing the ex. She is socializing with him. He sees her friends. He is on her facebook, too, right? She treats him like a boyfriend. She treats you like the guy she's having an affair with, not her primary man. Great minds...
oppath Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Sorry BBB, but I really don't think you are being paranoid. I can't imagine treating anyone that way, especially not someone I claimed to love. Word. My ex treated me this way. She had a group of friends she kept me hidden from, because they were best friends with her ex of 5 years, and she didn't want her ex to find out about me because he'd be really hurt. At first I was cool with it...except she kept up a close friendship with him. I'd stand up for myself and say "I feel disrespected" but I wasn't willing to walk away. Eventually, it reached a point where I said "we've been dating 6 months, you claim to love me, yet you've hung out with these people a handful of times since we were exclusive, you talk about them all the time, and I haven't met them and I don't even think they know about me. There is no reason for me not to have met them (the context was she was too busy to exchange x-mas gifts and celebrate my birthday because she had made plans with them and didn't want to cancel). You have gotten to meet the important people in my life, and I want to meet the important people in yours because I want to build a life with you. I want to meet the people you care about because I care about you and want to share in that." We broke up a week later. She was unwilling to do this for me. In hindsight, I realized how me not being willing to walk away earlier in the relationship allowed me to be hurt. Now, as soon as I am exclusive with a girl, if she has hung out with a group of people 3-4 times, I expect to meet them, and I expect to be invited every 2-4 times too. I sat down and wrote out the traits that to me, define a healthy relationship. It's not a list of controlling demands, it is a list of traits that I want to be present, and if they are not, I know to walk away. I'm not going to give that list to a prospective gf, but if she's not behaving in a way that meets my definition of a healthy relationship, then I will walk away. My feelings > feelings of an ex, even if he is hurt by the breakup and has a terminal illness! If they are not, then the girl I am dating is not ready or not willing to be in a committed relationship with me.
paddypencil Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 you poor thing,well first of all its really obvious she's still with her so called "ex", they never split up in the first place. i do think she has feelings for you,if she didn't she'd have finished with you long ago,but not enough to finish with her "ex". id say just move on and things will work out. i was with a fella for4years, we were engaged,i found out he had cheated on me with a local s***,been on an internet dating site,slagged me off to my sisers fiancee,texted other women,put me down to his friends (when i done nothing but try to please him),and used me for money, i also have the chance of having contracted an std even though he's the only guy i've ever slept with, but do you know what? i feel so much better now, he's no longer ther to slag me off and call me ugly (i'm far from it) and call me fat (even though i've gone from 9 & 1/2 stone to 8 stone &i'm 5"7), my advice to you is you're better off without her, she's only making you worse in the long run and you can do soooo much better~!! chin up, keep smiling..
Ponzoli Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 seriously dude, listen to Oppath on this one. You gotta make a stand here. This is your Stalingrad, draw a line in the sand and don't back down. Good Luck!!!
Author byebyebeautiful Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Would contacting her "ex" directly (i have his email) be a good idea to ask him what role he plays in her life? If this situation is as people have asserted, i feel he has a right to know. Either way that will end things for me, he will say he is involved with her, or he will say he isnt, tell her i went behind her back and she will end things.
Trojan John Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Would contacting her "ex" directly (i have his email) be a good idea to ask him what role he plays in her life? If this situation is as people have asserted, i feel he has a right to know. Either way that will end things for me, he will say he is involved with her, or he will say he isnt, tell her i went behind her back and she will end things. Forget about him. He will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. You need to focus on her, confront her. However, she will probably tell you whatever she thinks you want to hear, also. You see the red flags just as clearly as the rest of us. This will only end poorly for you. Before you start feeling any worse, pack up your dignity and move on.
tanbark813 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Would contacting her "ex" directly (i have his email) be a good idea to ask him what role he plays in her life? If this situation is as people have asserted, i feel he has a right to know. Either way that will end things for me, he will say he is involved with her, or he will say he isnt, tell her i went behind her back and she will end things. That's not too bad an idea. If I had to bet money I'd say he doesn't even know about you.
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Do i sound like im making excuses for her? Sure do. She said availability would be an issue, but she sure seems to have plenty of time for her ex. Dude, demand more. And by that, I don't mean from her, but from someone else. This kind of behavior isn't superficial, it runs deep for her. You won't be happy if this continues and it doesn't get easier to break up if you wait. Don't worry about the ex. Contacting him won't make her like you any more. I can't really see that there's anything here to hang onto. Make a break and expect more from those you date.
tanbark813 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Contacting him won't make her like you any more. But it will f**k up their relationship. Maybe that's just Evil Tanbark talking...
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 But it will f**k up their relationship. Maybe that's just Evil Tanbark talking... I don't agree. If I was banging an ex and her boyfriend contacted me asking silly questions about what we are, what makes you think I would stop banging the ex? Only now it would be more fulfilling
tanbark813 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I don't agree. If I was banging an ex and her boyfriend contacted me asking silly questions about what we are, what makes you think I would stop banging the ex? Only now it would be more fulfilling Except in this case it would be the other man contacting you about banging your gf. Important distinction.
Krytie TV Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Except in this case it would be the other man contacting you about banging your gf. Important distinction. Maybe offer to share and be done with it? OK so sorry OP. Yes, I still think there is nothing there for you.
oppath Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I don't agree. If I was banging an ex and her boyfriend contacted me asking silly questions about what we are, what makes you think I would stop banging the ex? Only now it would be more fulfilling That depends. If you were banging her because you wanted her back, it might devastate you to know that she had a bf and that she was lying to you. Now, if you were through with her and just banging her, yeah, you wouldn't give a ****. My ex was in this situation with her ex. Dude proposed to her, 6 months after their breakup, when he sniffed she was dating someone new. Not that she had told him, even though she had plenty of opportunities in the 6 months I dated her. She never told me about the proposal and when I learned, I figured she cheated on me, because they would hang out when he'd fly into town. She had the chance to tell him it was over, and clearly lied about my existence. I threatened to tell him about me when I learned a couple weeks later, but then was a pussy and apologized my ass off for it, as if I had crossed some line. I'm still tempted, 9 months later, to email the guy and tell him "she started talking to another guy about being FWB BEFORE your breakup" and tell him times she outright lied to him, just to destroy their friendship. It is very tempting. I felt INVISIBLE when the breakup occured, and I want that visibility somehow, proof I guess that our relationship wasn't a lie. I want her to be accountable for it. But in the end, it is best to move on to women who only talk to their ex's once every month or two via email, and if they have a more close relationship with their ex, make sure I get to meet the dude to witness they are just friends. If she can't do that once we are exclusive, they are not just friends.
Author byebyebeautiful Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 I don't agree. If I was banging an ex and her boyfriend contacted me asking silly questions about what we are, what makes you think I would stop banging the ex? Only now it would be more fulfilling Yeah just to clarify, if anything is going on with her "ex" i am 99.9% he does not know about me. In fact i am 99.9% sure that alot of people don't know about me, or at least in what capacity i supposedly exist. If something is going on then my reasons for contacting him would be purely because he has a right to know, as someone else who will have been lied to. Less than 48h til i see her now, and i'm getting quite restless. I think i will ask her outright if she took her ex to that party and give her the opportunity to at least try and explain this bizarre situation. If she lies to me, i will tell her that i know for a fact that it is him and ask her what reasons she would possibly have for lying to me about that when i encouraged her to be there in his "time of need" from the word go. Either way, i will insist that this whole secrecy thing needs to change, and that whilst i respect her privacy this is something i need and if i don't get soon, will be forced to walk away for good.
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