Very cold between us... 12 years later and a kid!

[lovecat]

I am in a relationship for 12 years (married), we have a 6 years old child. We lived with his parents for 6 years in the begginning and it was then that I felt we began to have small problems in our relationship. When we moved out, I thought it would be much better, but it proved to be worse actually, as I saw it.

 

From my point of view it proved that things were not going as I expected. I mean, I wasn't expecting extraordinary things - just for us to be a couple that deals with everything together. But I was with the house stuff and my job and he was with his stuff. Then the kid appeared. He seemed to care

about his own activities more that mine/family's and had his mother do things he was supposed to - the help I needed from him. It's not like I needed him to climb 3 mountains, win the Olympics and then come home and attend the kid, I was not asking very much, just to participate in small things, in everyday stuff I did and maybe spend 1-2 hours with the kid while I relaxed and recharge my batteries. But he was always too tired from work and just came home and watched TV and then fall asleep. On weekends we didn't go anywhere because he had other obligations related to work. All my

very young years (I got married at 19) we went to as many parties as you could count on your fingers. We did not get out much, we did not do very much together.

 

Now I wonder, did I have too many illusions or expectations?

 

Obviously, I began to feel that we were drifting apart more and more and did not feel a sexual drive anymore. Our intimate relationship grew colder.

 

And then, three years ago I met this guy who I didn't like at first. We worked together and I noticed he liked me. He was extremely attentive and did many small things for me. I started to like him a lot - him being so sweet, the way he treated me, common interests, many things I admired about him - but I thought he was infatuated with me and I just did nothing and waited for it to pass. But soon enough we met on IM and were both surprised that at hours when "normal" people should enjoy life more we

just had nothing better to do than stay on IM... Thus we started to talk a lot. About work at first and then about all kinds of things, we found each other's company very agreeable and fell in love with each other. In daytime we met at work, at night we met online... It was only natural to get to the "next level". We started to meet at his place and had great sex (this made me feel better about my own sexual health as I was beginning to wonder whether I had a health problem - frigidity or smth). This has been going on for the past three years. He has been very patient and waited and waited during all this time... and I feel so bad I did not offer him a normal relationship...

 

The normal thing for me to have done would've been to go my way with him. Instead, like the jerk that I am, I went on living in the same house with my hsb. Well, I have been JUST LIVING with him in the same house and told him that I felt no longer like a wife should and that the only relationship I can see with him would be a "brother and sister" type. I mean I care for him but cannot approach him at all physically anylonger... He would not let go, he tries to reccuperate by being more nice than before (but not too well..., not very different). On the other hand, I have a hard time causing so many people trouble by leaving him - the kid first and foremost and then the parents... Plus I am not in such a good social and financial position as he is and am very insecure about the future of the child, whether I would be able to provide for her so that she feels OK and not only financially but also emotionally.

 

This whole situation and my feeling of guilt has become very very hard for me and I am depressed most of the time. Feel powerless, everything - small or big - seems very hard for me... I don't know how to deal with it.

 

What would you do...?

 

(sorry for such a long story... I wouldn't normally do this but I wanted to be as explanatory as possible and I would really treasure your opinion)

[MattN]

All I really read from this is I I I I I I I I I I I I I

 

Who doesn't have small problems or problems period in a marriage? I mean what exactly did you expect marriage would be like? Everything would just work out fine without any effort at all? I mean I'm sorry to hear you didn't go to enough parties and got married young but the reality is you made the choice to get married and made the choice to have a child and start a family so you must deal with that.

 

So your marriage wasn't perfect and your solution was to divert your emotions to a co worker and have a 3yr affair? Do you not have any guilt for that at all?

 

You don't honestly think this other guy really loves you do you? Let me tell you something he doesn't. When a man truly loves a woman he shares her with no other man. I don't care if you and your husband live in seperate wings of the house. Oh ya he has been patient alright he has it freakin made he gets sex from a woman and then gets to ship her off back to her husband. He has it made but I'm sure you think he is just wonderful and oh so understanding.

 

I mean you really want to be with a guy thats been screwing another mans wife for 3 years? You two aren't even living in reality and your relationships foundation is build off of lies, deceit and infedelity. The perfect way to start a solid relationship.

 

You know whos really gonna be hurt the most from all this your 6 yr old daughter. I can't even begin to imagine the effects this will have on her.

 

This is what I would do..You need to tell your husband about your affair and start facing the music because he deserves so much better than this. You may feel that I'm being very harsh on you but trust me you have some serious visits from mr reality coming up so buckle up cause its gonna be one hell of a ride..

[notspiritual]

This is a very common story. The husband is working his azz off to provide for his family while the unappreciative wife is sleeping with another man.

 

Your husband is tired from a very hard day at work. He falls asleep because he is damn tired! You should have been appreciative of his sacrifice and help him relax when he got home instead of nagging him. He is the giver and you are the taker in this unbalanced relationship.

 

I wish men can recognize these types of women very early and have the strength to drop them without mercy.

[Cobra_X30]

IThis whole situation and my feeling of guilt has become very very hard for me and I am depressed most of the time. Feel powerless, everything - small or big - seems very hard for me... I don't know how to deal with it.

 

What would you do...?

 

Ok, Look your going to have poeple bash you for what you've done. Ignore the ones that just want to make you feel it. Focus on the poeple that want to help!

 

So lets get the basics out of the way. You cheated on your husband and your child. Instead of working on your marriage as you should have, you chose the wrong path. Ok, it happens.

 

So, the question is how do you fix this situation. Your husband has a long standing pattern of neglect... but if I read you right he is now trying to work on it. It's really to late for that and you and I both know it.

 

Do you think that your stringing your husband along? Doesnt he deserve a shot with someone who really loves him?

 

Do you fear the financial situation for you or your daughter?

 

It's much more important that you provide your daughter a loving home than $$$. Right now your teaching her very bad things! She needs to see a marriage that works and a mother that is honest with her family!

 

I think the best way to fix this is to leave your husband, doesnt matter if you tell him about the affair or not so long as you leave. Take your child and show her what love really looks like.

 

Please pay attention to me when I talk about the children! I was in your daughters position once. We pay for the sins of our parents... if you love her you will make things right!

[notspiritual]

Sorry I bashed you because you reminded me of my unappreciative wife.

 

It is not fair to stay with your husband just for the money. I would suggest that you divorce him. Please don’t take all his money when you divorce him, it is not fair.

[lovecat]

Thank you all for taking the time to get into my problem. I really appreciate your comments and I partially agree with each. They make me see things more objectively.

 

I should make this clear: This is nothing about me caring for my H's money, (if that were the problem, I wouldn't be writing all these here) it's about me worrying about the child. I have a job too. We both work. Of course, he always makes fun of me for earning less than he does, but that's another story. What I haven't told you either is that for quite a while I was earning more than him and then after a while he began to make more. Not much relevance, just to make an idea.

 

I understand those of you who gave me negative feedback had bad experiences in their own lives themselves. You probably are right but I wonder if you really tried walking in your partner's shoes for a little while.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to defend my actions. There is not one day that I do not feel awful because of the situation I've created. At the same time it seems to me that when things go very wrong between two statistically normal partners (I mean, no extreme situations, no problems of any other type to interfere), they both have a part of guilt. With me, for example, things had been going really bad for almost 3 years before I got involved into this other relationship. When there is a problem within a couple you don't blame it entirely on your partner, do you? In my case, when things weren't so great with sex life, my hsb advised me to see a doctor, he suggested the problem had the origins exclusively in me... Not fair I'd say.

 

MattN,

I know that there are also bad times in every marriage. That's what I was telling myself all along when these appeared and I continued to do so for a long while, but when they turn into a permanent state... I don't know. Did I think that marriage was wonderful... well, I kinda did at 19 ... But still, a marriage is about two people caring for each other enough to support each other in everything, especially at emotional level - what matters the most to me.

 

What I missed in my relationship with my husband was the emotional connection, it was only when this was gone that I allowed myself get involved with someone else. But this was not premeditated. We once had something in common but we drifted apart. I feel we belong to very different worlds...

 

Thank you all very much.

 

Special thanks to you, Cobra_X30, it seems that you empathized with me the most, your answer means very much to me, especially concerning the child - to know that you were once in this position and that you would have the maturity to choose the human factor - understanding and love - to an apparent stable situation within a marriage with problems.

[lovecat]

Hm, thinking harder, I came to this: Yes, all right I made a mistake living like this, I just still had a small hope for my marriage inside.

 

Still I have a right to comment on what you guys said (I mean NS and MattN).

 

Sincerely, I was trying to understand the bitterness beyond your words and saw that you've actually been in a similar situation, only on the other side of the road and it was just normal to spit up at me all the stuff you'd have said to your wives (or probably you did so).

 

I have only these to ask you, guys:

 

Do you really think that bringing home the money is all there is to a good relationship? You think that work, TV and sleeping on the couch are the secrets of a good marriage? Cause, well, if you really think so, I think you have a big problem. Look no further to what caused your marriages to break... part of the answer is in you. I have just one piece of advice to give you: go quickly, prepare yourself, dig a hole and lie in it until the end, cause you're already dead! Inside. Sorry to be me who breaks this bad news to you!

 

I mean, working to pay the bills (yours too!) is OK, we all do that, but it's not all about a marriage. OK, you go to work, I go to work too, we are both tired when we get home. Still, if you care about me you'd still want to be with me keep me company while I do this or that trifle or help me with small things, wouldn't you? Well, I would! There's little things like these that make two people bond.

 

Mind my words, maybe you didn't get the chance to talk to your wives and did not know what do these annoying creatures want in fact from you as long as you paid the bills!

[MattN]

My response to you has nothing to do with my ex wife at all. I have no bitterness towards her at all. I'm happy with my life and it had nothing to do with me be the only one working or anything like that.

 

The fact is you had problems in your marriage and instead of turning towards your husband you started a 3yrs affair with a co-worker. Of course you don't have an emotional connection with your husband.

 

Slice it anyway you want and justify it anyway you want to make it right it your head thats fine its your life but what you need to do is leave your husband and start owning up to the decision you have clearly made.

 

I wish you all the luck.

[lovecat]

OK, thanks, Matt.

 

Before judging this, let me tell you that there was no one else but H for me. He was my first man and my only man for 9 years. Well, I wouldn't describe myself as the easy type.

 

My mistake, I haven't told that I have been trying to make things right ever since they began to turn more serious. I see myself as being a giver for a long time and the only one to really be concerned about day to day family problems. I always asked him if there was something he needed and I didn't do and, in my turn, suggested him what I needed in our marriage, I even sent him URLs with very good material on marriage and divorce and saving a marriage.

 

I had put great hopes in this marriage and in the beginning was convinced and strongly believed that ours was meant to be forever. I wanted us to be a team. After all, I see great marriages as great working teams. I worked on this, after such a long time together it proved that he is not such a great team player after all. I think that, up to a point, I was the one who invested more emotionally in this marriage and the only one who was really involved in raising our child. And then I guess I just had no more power left.

 

This is why I hurt very badly right now. I wished things didn't go so far. Unfortunately things don't happen the way we hoped for all the time.

 

When I began to fall for this other guy I really felt that I had lost a lot of time in my life and that life can have after all more beautiful moments than sad and tormenting ones and is worth living and there's so much more to it than I knew. Life is not just to be lived in fear from one day to the other and is not only frustration. My lust for life came back to me.

 

Don't get me wrong, it was not about sex. For me sex is just the fulfillment of a great relationship in every other way. If there's something wrong in a relationship, their sex lives will have problems too, that's what I think.

 

I suppose that all those feelings of fear of life that I had in me before came also as a consequence of extreme religiosity that had been at a time strongly cultivated by MH. I have nothing against religiosity, I AM a believer (and this makes all the situation so much more hard for me) but I don't believe in extremes or in blind dogma. I believe that ours should be a mission of love in this world, the purest form and I don't believe in extreme confinement. But this is already another topic.

 

Fact is that I am very much torn between duty and heart and there are times when I truly wonder if I am of any use being the way I am or if I should just disappear and cause no more trouble. But I have a child to care for.

 

Thank you, guys, whether you think I am wrong or not. It means a lot to me that I can "talk" to someone about it. This is really therapy. I am so much hurt by this and ashamed, that I cannot talk to anyone about it. This is how I end up with huge posts like this, sorry about this and thanks again.

[mylifewillgoon]

This is why I hurt very badly right now. I wished things didn't go so far. Unfortunately things don't happen the way we hoped for all the time.

I suggest you need to come forward and start from there. Living in a lie for 3 years is totally not fair for both of you. He certainly deserves the honesty and dignity to know the truth. Imagine the anger you would have if he has been cheating for 3 years.