fabulousgal Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I'm trying hard to accept that it is over. It just bothers me that I long for someone to be sorry for the hurt they have caused. But at the same time when I have these thoughts, I find myself telling thinking suddenly STOP HAVING THE FANTASY OF MAKING UP, ITS DONE. Anyone else have struggles with 100% mentally accepting that its done? I have a few dates this week. Maybe that shall help the acceptance process.
Curious139 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Absolutely. It is human to hope and I still do. However I'm not living my life on Pause because I know that is unhealthy and unattractive if there is ever a chance with her in the future. She needs to see me as attractive, not a pathetic pining wimp. And if it never happens, other good things will. Be strong and look after yourself.
sedgwick Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Mine left me on July 16. The last time we spoke was Aug 28. I miss him every second of every day, and I long to think it's not over. I can't imagine ever loving anyone like that again, and if I can't love that deeply, I don't want to at all. It's like now I know what it can be, and I'd rather just go without love in my life than settle for any less. But I'm not where I was three months ago. Three months ago I cried until I puked, then cried some more, then puked some more. I didn't eat for two full weeks. At least I'm getting on with my life now. It's such a major step up from where I started. I'd say the pain is now at only about 75% of what it was, and that's a huge improvement.
Bosiell Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Its damn hard accepting. My head 100pc tells me its over and I am trying my damn best to listen to it, get on as best I can, keep positive and look forward, well you know the drill. But christ my heart still wont let go, still aches for her. Still find it so difficult at this times believing I will meet anybody like her, that anyone will make me feel that way. She was a dream come true in my otherwise mundane existence. Its been 7 weeks, hardest of my life. The sadness has now kicked in which I expect means that I have started to or have accepted its over. And its horrible. I hate it. But I am aware that is at least part of the recovery process. I am trying as best I can, thats all you can do really, on keeping moving forward and that time will heal, god I hope so!
Scorpio13c Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Hi Fabulous, I believe it is a completely natural part of the grieving process you are decribing. It means you are slowly but surely getting better! I'm glad you are able to tell yourself to stop fantasizing, that tells me that you have self respect & inner strength, good for you! Btw, yes, i too have felt the same way & have done what you have done. Now it's merely a sad thought of the good times every now and then. I sincerely hope the dating helps you rebuild your ego, it's certainly helped me. Just focus on having fun & don't put any pressure on yourself, then soon enough, you'll feel much better. I know you will! Scorp
ncpd25 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I went through hearing the sterotypical "I'm in love with you and I don't ever want to lose you" to "I have mixed emotions and I need to work through baggage from my ex b/f"all within a few days. My ex g/f told me her ex b/f stopped over her house 5 days before she dumped me. She said that he explaned why he lied and cheated on her and she felt bad for him......Go figure! I initially didn't believe her when she said, she had to work through issues. I started beating myself up saying "What's wrong with me, what did I do wrong?" After a little while, I began to realize that she most definitely ran back to her ex. As mean as it may sound, I find comfort in that. Unfortunately for her, she will regret her decision eventually. Her ex b/f cheated on his wife and cheated on my ex. I doubt he's going to change anytime soon. I feel it's just a matter of time, before he starts wandering and lying again. I don't mean to wish hurtful things on her but, she didn't hesitate to lead me on, drag me through the mud and walk all over me. So yes, I still beat on myself and then the thought of her running back to her ex and waiting to be cheated on again runs through my head and I figure "It was her decision, she has to live with it". As cruel as it sounds, it puts a little spring in my step. I go back and forth with thse thoughts all day long. I'm confident, we'll all get past these feelings and eventually, we can all look back on nothing but a faint memory of our exes!!
angie16 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 oh man, its been 2 months exactly , 6 weeks since I've seen him, but i fight every day with the two sides. the one that says. get on with your life, and the other that says, any day now he'll be back. it sucks. this constant reflux of rejection. it hurts. good luck, i don't want to ever be hurt like this again, i feel for everyone that is going through this.
KittenMoon Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Let me tell you, it's no better even when they know the hurt they've caused. In fact, it's worse. Indifference is easier to accept than lingering emotions in the long run.
badnewsbeers Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I know exactly how you feel. It's awful when you don't really want to move on, but you know you have to. I wish I knew how to make that internal decision... sorry to not be able to offer advice, but at least you know there's someone else in the same boat!
Jmina Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 you will decide to let go when you are ready. youre not ready yet, your still hurting. its in the horizon for you because you can see it and want it for you know you will be free of your ex but at the moment you wnot accept it because you dont want to accept it because that means saying goodbye and maybe no reconciliation. focus on yourself. if you are meant to come back together as friends you will just like when your other friends have drifted in and out your life. paths do cross again, and there are times when they have to seperate. this is the time for you to be apart. and for you to grow. accept that. first be willing then the rest will come. just give yourself time its been almost 6 months for me and only recently am i truly accepting it. Jmina
Biker2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Looks like all the usual suspects are here… The moments just before I get out of bed are the hardest. My mind runs through different scenarios of what I would say to her if I were to ever see her again. I replay all the moments where we started to break down and I ask myself what could I have done differently. I am tearing myself apart sometimes w/ these thoughts. To get out of this abusive cycle, I recite the Lords Prayer over and over to try to get this crap out of my head, and I am not a religious person!! Some times I just keep telling myself, “she is gone…over and over. I suppose I am having a hard time accepting the fact that my partner in so many things (century bike rides, running marathons, xc sking, --G rated version) is gone. She had a sparkle in her eye when I made her smile, and now I have to accept that is no longer for me! It’s been 2 months (8/20) since my last contact w/ her and that little milestone hit me like a ton of bricks this last weekend. I have a date this upcoming weekend, and I could care less. My head is ready for this “personal growth” opportunity to end, but the heart is not so willing…anybody know where the off switch is for this pain??
badnewsbeers Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Well, something happened for me... up to this point I had pretty well no self confidence or respect. Today I was looking at myself in the mirror before hockey and I finally realized I have a lot to offer somebody. I think I'm fairly good looking, I'm athletic, I'm in my 4th year of engineering, etc etc etc. These thoughts all kinda flooded through me and I suddenly felt like I had my confidence back. And with that, I felt like a part of me that had been missing since the break up came back and I feel so much stronger. So my advice is to go look in the mirror and recall all the things about you that other people find attractive. At the same time, try to picture the REAL girl that is right for you. Typically, I have found that a lot of what I missed about my relationship wasn't necessarily there - it's simply a projection of what I really WANT on what I had, and the two don't often line up. There's someone out there better suited to you, and you need to construct her in your mind. Helped me immensely today.
tinke Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 after many yrs. together, yes, i still think of him....i still miss him. i was left confused by his coldness and avoidance which makes moving on even more difficult for me. however...after 7 mo., i have come a long way! i do not suffer the physical pain, the gut-wrenching ache, the loss of appetite, etc. i am able to sleep for more hrs. without interruption. thoughts of him do enter my mind on a daily basis, but mostly, due to unanswered questions.......i am not given the opportunity to have a final discussion. the thoughts are not constant, as before...so, they do lessen. i relish in my good days, slowly, they are becoming more frequent!
thrustrebel Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Yep, I'm newly single. We split on Wednesday a week after our 6 month anniversary (having been best friends for 4 years), and by Saturday she had kissed one of our mutual friends. About a month ago we were chatting our long future together and how happy we were. Fortunately for me, I have had a lot of experience now with hard breakups. I know that doesn't sound like it should be a 'fortunately', but what can I say... It has taught me how to cope. So how do I cope? Logic. When I wake up in the morning alone, and my mind fills with thoughts about how she has probably just done the same with some guy next to her, I snap myself in to shape. "So what, she left you, so she couldn't have loved you as much as she said. That makes her both a lyer and would have had a negative on your self-respect". Then you think about what someone has already said in this thread... "I, on the other hand, was a devoted, nice person. I'm relatively good looking, fun, and have a lot going for me". Sometimes its good to be overly crude with yourself I find. It's denial, and it may not even be part of your character but it helps me to contemplate going off the rails. Dates are DEFINITELY good, nice little ego strokes right there, they help. Basically what I'm saying, is I keep myself happy with 2 tactics. Optimism (primarily imagining characters older then me in romantic films and thinking, that could be me in the future...) and a lot of self love (in both definitions, haha). These emotions and feelings of heartbreak sting like hell, and as I sit here rambling on, I make no denial of the fact that I still feel them all the time. I just try and fight these emotions with cold logic. Hope that helps :-S J
nemo28 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Tinke: I was reading your post and had to do a double take as i thought i had written it myself! I too am nearly 7 months n/c. Still miss him, still love him but for the last 6 and a half months he has not said so much as a hello to me. It would be alot easier if he didn't work for my family business. I have to see him every day. Up until Monday last i would say hi to him everytime i see him but he always looked away and wouldn't say hi to me.. It hurts so much. I don't know what it is i've done to make him hate me so much and i feel that until i get the answer i can't move on. Do you feel the same?
kirikat Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I think this is one of the problems with no contact. I'm not saying that you should be in contact immediately after a break up.... but, at some point, contact should be made. The reason? Well, we build our ex's up in our minds. When they are all alone with us in our heads, we focus on all those lovely hormones and chemicals - as we fantasize, we only remember the good and loving moments.... My recent experience with re-contact was this: After 6 weeks of no contact, he wasn't as handsome as I remembered. He wasn't nearly as smart, nor sweet as I thought he was. He no longer made my knees weak.... And as light contact is continuing, I am discovering that, well - he's kind of a jerk. He's thoughtless. He continues to share disgusting bodily information that I didnt want to know WHILE I was loving him. The other thing I learned in contact is this: it no longer matters what he does or says (even if he said 'be my love, marry me...') we are lost to each other. The trust and the connection was broken, and those things I thought we had are simply gone, dead, and cannot be resurrected. Had I not gotten back in contact, I would have continued to mourn someone who wasnt who I thought he was when my brain and hormones were telling me he was the love of my life. I would still be in love with someone who simply doesn't exist. If you can, have faith in the universe - just a little - and picture him with hemmerhoids to boot. That helped me a lot Even if you had stayed together for your whole life, he would have turned into a funky, smelly old man, with a beer gut and BO, whose socks you'd have to pick up, and whose fanny you'd probably eventually have to wipe. Now, why would you want to do that for someone who - really - isnt all that hot to begin with, and who caused you pain. Personally, I dont much care for people who hurt me.
MattyTee Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Well, it's been nearly 3 months for me (4 weeks NC) and I have improved. I went through the same as everyone else: crying for hours on end, not eating, not sleeping and all those sodding dreams!! I'm still not 'over' her. I broke down the last two nights just thinking "How the hell did I get here?". It was only a few months ago we were discussing when we should get married and moving in together. I know I'm not ready to let go yet. For a long time I tried to force it, I would tell myself that she wasn't worth it, didn't love me enough, etc. But that just didn't work because really, I don't believe it. I've forgiven her and made peace with what is for now. I realise that this is my time, time to get fit, read more and polish the bits that need polishing - that's not a euphemism I've even started to rather like myself! And, yes I'm a silly and hopeless romantic who is still holding out hope. I know that even if it doesn't work out I'll be in a much better place.
tomwiz Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 The day I finally accepted its over was a great day, I'm looking at the world in a whole new way, I was consumed with trying towin her back, and overanalyzing her everymove and I was frekaing miserable. Now that i've accepted that its over and that I dont need her, I "want" her a little bit. Ironically, it seems like she's making more of an effort than ever. Shes going to have to move a mountain to make me believe she cares again.
lexi29 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 It sounds like you are well on your way to accepting its over. I wish I was in your shoes. Its hard for me to accept its over even though he's already dating someone new (started dating her right after he left me) She is already totally entwined in his life, just stepped right in doing everything I used to do with him and his son. So I pretty much have to accept that its over. His new girl is very needy, not very attractive and has a very young daughter so she doesn't have a lot of other prospects so I can pretty much predict that she will stay with him for quite a while. I wouldn't be suprised if he marries her within the next year (he just turned 30 and feels he should get married, he was actually talking about getting engaged to me two weeks before he left me.) So I'm trying to prepare myself for that possibility. Its hard for me because every single one of my exes have ALWAYS come back after I left them or he left me. Some it took only weeks, some it took a few years but everyone has come back and wanted another chance. So I hold out the false hope that maybe he will realize what he's missing. But I have to let go because even if he did come back things would never be the same. I could never love him like I did before because of how he's hurt me and what I've found out about him.
tinke Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 nemo28....yes exactly, those unanswered questions keep the thoughts alive. i can only describe then as a sudden death...no preparation, lots of wonder. kirikat, i would have to agree, N/C does help to an extent, but what if there is never the chance to speak again, never any discussion of any kind due to his avoidance? not accepting any contact? then, there really isn't that opportunity to discover..what was it i saw in him anyway. does this make sense?
sao2 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 If your ex does not make themselves available to try and work things out then quite simply YOU DON"T THEM BACK. Even if the situation was difficult, no matter what the circumstances of your break up. If they don't want to try anymore then regardless you have to move on. I don't know about everyone else but I am too old to be trying to convince someone that has been with me for some time to give it another shot. I am willing to work at it but if they are not then there is nothing left to say.
Steffie575 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I'm trying hard to accept that it is over. It just bothers me that I long for someone to be sorry for the hurt they have caused. But at the same time when I have these thoughts, I find myself telling thinking suddenly STOP HAVING THE FANTASY OF MAKING UP, ITS DONE. Anyone else have struggles with 100% mentally accepting that its done? I have a few dates this week. Maybe that shall help the acceptance process. Wow, so I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend of six years dumped me and immediately has a new girlfriend. I want him to look at my pictures and feel BAD. I want him to think of me and feel horrible for the hurt they are causing me. After our history together....telling me he wants to marry me etc...then just up and falling for someone else. When I picture her holding his hand or kissing him...i literally wanna scream and punch the walls. I cant even let myself think about them being together sexually without crying my eyes out.... I cant accept its over. And I honestly dont have any real advice for you....just know that other people know your pain all too well...and your hope.
mikesinclair Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I have just done the worst thing and callled my ex, after seeing on myspace that she is planning on moving to Australia. She originally split with me to go back to her home country as she misses her family and friends and speaking her native language. so me, mr idiot calls and asks why she didnt tell me about the move and did she plan this when we were together... so, tears come out and im told i have no right to make her cry and im making all this up in my head, and if i do make stuff up then i have to keep it all to myself... turns out she is thinking about oz but is still undecided. so what do i do... say sorry on msn, then call her again this time for 45mins and we get on really well, she even says when we talk like this its like we are back together.. i then procceed again with asking her back and come and make a fresh start in london ( her reply. i need to think about it ) Im so confused and my brain is playin tricks on me and i cant stop thinking, seriously p*ssing me off now. i can see her on MSN now, do i block her ? please advise
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