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Posted

I would strongly suggest that you go to a therapist yourself, with or without your wife. You have 24 years worth of deception to deal with, and that is no small task.

 

Has your wife terminated the communication with the other man? You mention that it was an emotional affair. Did it include discussing being together or after 24 years was it only(?!%^%) a hidden friendship?

Posted

Communication has been cut off to the best of my knowledge. She had a loving husband and family and a guy on the phone who told how great she was and much more I am sure. So she had the best of both worlds.

Posted

If you read my trials and tribulations that our unfolding (one week removed from d-day) I got ruined in a very bad way:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135048/

 

I am trying to learn to forgive for my daughter. I do not hate my wife or hold too much anger now. My alternative is my daughter lives in a broken home when with her and a sane home with me. I am trying to save my wife for my daughter. She has severe mental issues I believe at the core of all this.

 

I am still struggling with true forgiveness as i was hurt as if I had died.

Posted
I think that a refusal to forgive only hurts the person that forgiveness is sought from...

 

Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you let people walk all over you, it just releases the power of what they did from continuing to hurt you...

 

And you can forgive someone and then walk away...IMHO...

 

It does release the awful poisonous feeling. Forgiving is the compassionate and loving thing to do, that doesn't mean we all can do it.

 

I think I am still on the journey of living with the decision to stay and work on our relationship and TRY to forgive. But there is a catchall in the bit-by-bit forgiveness. On any given day I may feel like I want to retract, just due to feelings and memories that swell up. Have I forgiven 100%? probably not, and as Silktricks so eloquently states it, situations change as do our lives over time.

 

Heftysmurf, I can relate. My daughters would have drowned if I had decided to end the marriage, and for the most part I am happy where I am at present. My H has worked hard to atone for his awful "indiscretion". The pain does get smaller. Hang in there.

Posted

What if your spouse doesn't work at healing the hurt? I don't understand why she just ignores me when I bring it up. Is she trying to tell me something and I am missing it. Obviously she just wants it to go away it would be easier on her.

Posted
What if your spouse doesn't work at healing the hurt? I don't understand why she just ignores me when I bring it up. Is she trying to tell me something and I am missing it. Obviously she just wants it to go away it would be easier on her.

 

 

Unfortunately, you can't control how she feels, and I'm sure you're frustrated with asking yourself WHY over and over again, she wont do this or that. The best thing to do is work on yourself. If she chooses to work on herslef, thats wonderful, if not, theres not alot you can do. Hang in there.

Posted

Planofool-

 

Enigmasmuse is right, you can only work on yourself. It is probably too painful for your wife to face what she has done, so avoidance is easier. You don't have to decide anything right away. She might come around, it may take a long time. And you will hopefully learn what you can and can't put up with, while you work on "yourself". Best of luck. You've come to the right place to sort this stuff out. A good therapist could be invaluable.

Posted

You guys couldn't be more right. We had a long talk this weekend about her past and what has happened this year. I didn't get lies or the run around I got true feelings and learned things about her past I probably didn't need to know. She isn't trying to pawn things off on revenge or other BS. We even talked about how long it has taken to get to this point of better understanding of why things happened. I just hope she doesn't take a step backwards when he calls again because I know he will call.

Posted

What IS forgiveness? I mean, how does one forgive? What happens mentally, emotionally, physically, when one DOES forgive?

Posted
What IS forgiveness? I mean, how does one forgive? What happens mentally, emotionally, physically, when one DOES forgive?

 

Forgiveness is a choice that you make. As someone who has really struggled with forgiving someone, here is what I have found.

 

You know you have forgiven someone when you realize that you given up your destructive thinking, and know that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

 

Forgiveness feels great and is liberating! You no longer drag around the anger, bitterness, and resentment for that person.

 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget, it just means that you give yourself permission to move on and let go, thus getting rid of the toxic resentments you harbor.

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