birdmadgirl Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 First of all, here's a bit of background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133019/ To bring you up to speed, we've seen each other a half-dozen times since the original post. Last Thursday, he came over with a book he had bought that listed a few different exercises to try with a partner in order to overcome performance anxiety. We tried one of the exercises that night, but after about an hour, he started feeling fairly anxious. I was perfectly fine to let him do whatever he needed to do in the time he needed to do it. On Saturday, he accompanied me to an event organized by the band I'm in (he and I are both musicians, which is how we met). He was openly affectionate and interacted with me and my bandmates as though he belonged there. That night, we went back to my apartment, snuggled and watched a movie, and promptly fell asleep. No attempt was made with any of the exercises. Last night, after his band had finished rehearsing, he stopped by. It was rather late when he arrived, so I figured we'd probably just go to sleep. Imagine my shock and surprise when he initiated some of the most incredible sex I've had. Sorry to be so graphic. I suppose I was expecting it to be very awkward. It couldn't have been further from that. So... great, right? I mean, he achieved enough of a comfort level to have been able to perform (without so much as a hitch in the action, I hasten to add), which can't be a bad thing. I think I'm just a bit taken aback by how suddenly he seemed to overcome his anxiety, as well as the fact that this now ends the magical getting-to-know-you period that he and I were pulling off without sex involved. That was a first for me, and to be honest, I quite liked it. Today, I am filled with this sense of impending doom. I can't say why, really... I just wish I could feel completely good about the step he's taken and not try to analyze it so much. Any thoughts?
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 hmmm. So his desire to wait for sex was linked to performance anxiety? Then I'm very happy for you both that he got over it. Now as to the feeling of impending doom... Is this perhaps just your way of trying to protect yourself because you are falling for him? It's sometimes easier to imagine the worst-case scenario (impending doom) then to face one's growing vulnerability. Just think of it this way. You are still getting to know each other, sexually, intellectually, musically. The magical getting to know you part is definitely not over. In fact, it's still just getting started.
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 hmmm. So his desire to wait for sex was linked to performance anxiety? Then I'm very happy for you both that he got over it. Yes, that is what he tells me. At first, I was unsure about whether or not to believe him, but he did genuinely seem very uptight about being intimate. Then, I thought it might have something to do with me. After last night, however, I am no longer afraid that he's not attracted to me, but I'm wondering how someone who was once so nervous could, for lack of a better way to describe it, absolutely rock my world. Now as to the feeling of impending doom... Is this perhaps just your way of trying to protect yourself because you are falling for him? It's sometimes easier to imagine the worst-case scenario (impending doom) then to face one's growing vulnerability. You're exactly right. I am falling for him in a major way. Now I'm fighting the urge to tell him this. Just think of it this way. You are still getting to know each other, sexually, intellectually, musically. The magical getting to know you part is definitely not over. In fact, it's still just getting started. Once again, you make an excellent point. I'm very much looking forward to seeing where this goes. Thanks for your response, Kamille. I appreciate it.
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 I'm posting this here rather than create a whole new thread in which I have to reference two other posts. Long story short, the guy in question called me the night I posted this and wanted to talk about the "close moment" we shared. He said he really liked me and wanted to continue in this, felt I was a positive influence in his life, and so on and so forth. What puzzles me is that there were a handful of times he said something to the effect of, "Even if we just remain friends, I'll always care about your well-being," or, "I'll be in your corner no matter what, because you're a very cool girl." I suggested that he come over last night after both of our bands finished practicing, but I heard nothing from him until this morning, when he sent me a quick message telling me that he left his phone in the studio and decided to go home. Those who know us both have suggested that his insecurities may have temporarily gotten the better of him, and that I should simply be patient with him. I am thinking he's probably just decided he's Not That Into Me (*gag*). I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel that whatever I do here, it's going to be the wrong thing. So I've just decided to do nothing... ...unless there's some sage advice anyone would like to impart. ;-)
peace_pipe Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 So I've just decided to do nothing... Just so you know, doing nothing is a decision within itself.
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 You are absolutely right, Peace Pipe, but I have grown incredibly fond of this man. The last thing I want him to do is make him feel pressured. If he calls and would like to see me (which he did last night, by the way), then I would be more than happy to oblige him. I guess what I'm struggling with is how to interpret the lack of contact when it occurs. Is it because his interest is waning? Is it because he wants to gauge my level of interest? If I make the contact and it's the former, then he'll be turned off and I'll seem pushy when really, I'm just trying to touch base. If it's the latter and I don't make contact, then that will be interpreted as a lack of interest on my part, and he'll move on. This is why I say it's difficult to decide what to do, and why it seems so tempting to remain inert until he makes a move.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 Wait for him to call. If he has anxiety issues, you do not want to add to this. He probaby needs a bit of room to process what just transpired. Go out with friends, bandmates, etc. Don't sit around and get anxious yourself.
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 He probaby needs a bit of room to process what just transpired. This seems to be the general consensus of those who know us both. He did seem excited to see me last night, although we were both so tired by the time he got there that we pretty much went straight to bed (and merely slept, hehehe). I invited him to a Halloween party this weekend and he eagerly accepted, so perhaps I don't have anything to worry about. It's just been such a long time since I've felt safe enough to really, really like someone that my own anxiety level is sky-high. Sad, but true. Thank you for your response.
Recommended Posts